• Member Since 16th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Prism Sparkler


Everyone, I promise I will have my OC as my avatar soon, I swear I haven't forgotten about her.

T

Thank you to my wonderful editor: Jiren! Feel free to support them and their stories!

Milky Way is just your average unicorn, she has friends, family, and is decent with magic. The only significant thing about her was her ability to read the stars using herbs to tell fortunes for some quick bits. But that will soon change when she passes through a strangely placed mirror in the Everfree Forest after gathering her herbs from Zecora. She awakes to find multiple injuries on new body parts including arms and hands, and flesh. But she loses it when she finds that she has no magic. Instead, she has... Something else... Something dangerous... Will the habitants of this strange new world help her figure out a new life and how to get home?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 10 )

Interesting... hope to see more on this soon...

I can not fault your grammar, nor your syntax. However, although it is technically correct, this unfortunately is, for lack of a better word, bland. Which is of course frustrating, I see the promise in this and yet you are just short of something wonderful. My advice would be to avoid words such as "Then," "And," "Also" or word combinations of the former. An elimination of redundancies would be advisable. A good Idea might be to use modifications to the tense of words and different punctuation. These are all traps that writers of all sorts fall into.

So the below:
I really did. Even though it hasn't even been 24 hours since arriving in this strange new universe, I was really loving it here. Everyone I met was so caring and thoughtful even though they barely knew me at all. We were all talking with each other almost as if we've known each other for years and years. Sure, this world might've taken forever to get used to. But I had wonderful new friends to help me out. I just wish...

Becomes:
I really did, though it hadn't been 24 hours since arriving in this strange universe, I loved it here. Everyone I met was caring and thoughtful even though they barely knew me. We were all talking with each other almost as if we've known each other for years. Sure, this world might take forever to get used to. But I had wonderful new friends to help me out. I just wish...

Just by eliminating a few redundancies and changing some punctuation and tenses you cut down on the static and Your voice as an author is revealed. You need to have more faith in yourself, Your author note had more personality then the story. Therefore the cleanup I did above is well withing your capabilities. Keep writing but more then that Read Everything and when you do pay attention to the narrative rhythm of the author. You have skill and a good editor, the rest is just practice and experience. I look forward to seeing where you take us readers. You have earned a Tracking and a follow from me.

I do apologize if I my tone seems a bit harsh. Truthfully, I only comment thus when I see something with promise, I have taken to many blows to the head to critique something I do not believe can be corrected. I have a great belief that this CAN and that you, along with your editor, are capable of doing so.

8837302
Thank you very much for your criticism, it really means the world to me! Schooling gets in the way, and I'm still a little young. But regardless, I'm glad that my work is worth critiquing, especially from someone who sounds to have a lot of writing under their belt! I'm definitely more talented in the visual artwork department, but I do love to write, and people like you really help to make the process easier. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to take the time to give me advice as a growing writer who just wants to make readers happy with what I write. Thank you for the track and follow as well. I will follow you back as soon as possible. Thank you.

Good Job. The story is much improved. I hear the startings of your own style and voice. There are some things that are truly wonderful and one of them is the finding of ones own voice. I look forward to the path this story takes and to where you as the author will lead us. I really am happy that this story returned and continued. The crush Milky Way has for Soul is cute and, if I'm honest. a good set up for conflict between Milky and Maka. I also like that Soul is recipricateing a bit, which can further set up conflict between all three. I don't know if you intend to explore this or not, which is your choice, but you did a good job of setting up the potential for it. Which can be the hardest part of a story. I look forward to how you improve and refine your style, as well as were this particular narrative leads.

8888230
Thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying it and seeing improvement! That's my main goal as a writer, and you're helping to make that process easier. Thank you for reading!

"So uncool, Milly... You made the coolest man alive cry..."

Dammit Soul, you took my line... :pinkiesad2:

Beautiful, if short, chapter.

Cute i really did enjoy soul eater maybe I shoul go a rewatch it now

8930462
Aww, thank you! I always love getting comments like this, and I'm so glad you're enjoying it!

8930808
Thank you! Funny story, when I wrote the first version of this story FIVE YEARS AGO, I forgot almost everything that was important to remember in Soul Eater, so I ended up writing a lot of things that did not make ANY sense at all :rainbowlaugh: So I'm very happy that that version is out of existence for good! But thank you for reading!

i got one word for Milky Way and Soul but first add Maka and no the word 'herd'

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