Moondancing

by Creativa-Artly01

Chapter 6

Two days later, Twilight waves Moon Dancer off as she hops on the train to Canterlot. She's glad her friend came to spend the week with her and she hopes they can do the same again soon. Unfortunately though, Moon Dancer is going to be off at Haycart University for the next five years. Once the train pulls out of sight, Twilight walks back to her castle in Ponyville. There, she gets back to sorting through her books. She's glad Moon Dancer is her best friend. Now, she has to let Moon Dancer continue the next step in her life, while she continues the next step in her own.

The End

Comments

[OmniFox]

That reminds me, Twilight Sparkle and Spike has never made amends with Lyra Heartstrings.

[nezumih]

Constructive feedback:
This story feels very rushed. You're also telling, not showing. There are some good ideas here, but try to be more descriptive so your readers can immerse themselves in the story. For example, here's some of your text from Chapter 3:

"And not long after that, several more Daring Do fans pour into the theater and about fifteen minutes later, the movie finally begins and all the ponies, true fans and casual readers shut up and enjoy the movie."

It's as if everypony, including the main characters, just show up and then do nothing (not even speak) for fifteen minutes. Why don't you go a bit deeper into the scene, with something like this:

"Moondancer had enjoyed reading the Daring Do series. Once. But she quickly grew bored as Rainbow Dash and Twilight excitedly recalled scene after scene from the book, debated whether or not each scene would have made it into the movie, and speculated on how their favorite story elements might appear. The minutes ticked by slowly as more moviegoing ponies arrived by ones and twos. They struck up their own conversations on a variety of topics, which Moondancer casually listened to until they all blended together into a quiet hubbub. Her eyelids started to droop, and she lifted a hoof to hide her yawn."

During each scene, think about what ponies would do, say, and feel. What is it like for them? Is there an image, sound, or other sensation you can describe to bring your readers in? Take the time to really draw the story out and make it an experience.

[Mystic Mind]

8448379
This! I was going to say much the same thing. It's a big trap that novice writers fall in to in which they write the story like a screenplay. The author states everything that happens, but has no details about what the characters are thinking, feeling, or descriptions for the scenes. This may as well be a script rather than a traditional novel.

There is potential in here, not least due to how the author writes fantastic chemistry between the characters. Just needs a bit of writing 101 to help.

[PaulAsaran]

You can has review!