My friend, not yours

by Kunama Windrider

Post Epilogue: The time is now

I will rise, the time is now, thought Nightmare Storm. Ready, 3, 2, 1, he's coming! The jail master fell without a sound.

"Jail mates!" she cried. "I give you the chance to have revenge! All you have to do in return is let me and my mother lead. We will take over Equestria and rule forever! Wahahaha! Ha ha ha!" An uproar was made at her words and the army was formed.

---

"At last!" rasped Nightmare Moon. "My spawn, my child, she has made her move. She has them wrapped around her horn! She takes after me, her mummy, doesn't she? Well, who else could she take after? She has no father! Nightmare Moon created her out of magic!" Her evil laugh echoed through the dim, gloomy night. My domain. My world. And soon, my future, thought Nightmare Moon. Her new future. The words tasted good on her toungue. She could see it. Her daughter, leading them all, with Nightmare Moon as he 2nd. I've had my turn, thought Nightmare. But I'm getting another chance...

Comments

[Doubt]

Alright, so I skimmed through this, and I feel I should warn you that you're going to get a lot of downvotes, and most people will skip over your story entirely. So let's start with the number one thing that will turn people off:

Your chapters are too short. 70 words isn't a chapter, it's a paragraph. And even your longest chapter, at only 300 words, is still too short to contain any real substance.

Secondly, when people see that your story has coloured text throughout, they will immediately assume (and rightly so, might I add) that they should just go find something else to read. So while it might seem fun to have text to match the colour of the ponies in your story, most people will see it as a distraction from the actual story and just click away to something else.

I wish I could give you more advice beyond this, but at the moment, you are so far from hitting the mark, that it's hard to know which way to push you to get you moving in the right direction. All I can say is keep reading, and keep writing, and maybe you'll become a decent writer.

[Kunama Windrider]

Ok...

[Kunama Windrider]

8316433
I feel the need to tell you that you are wrong. Quite a few users added this to favorites.

[Kunama Windrider]

8316433
Excuse me, I am going to get a REAL book in the REAL world published and my grandmother, whose an author, said I'm a great writer because I read a lot! And if you think my stories are bad, go look a Cutest Boxer Dog Ever's stories.

[Doubt]

8332958
Well I didn't mean any offense, but the first step in improving is recognizing your faults, and by nearly every objective metric, this story falls short. If you need proof, I can provide you with specific examples from the story, but I get the impression that you aren't interested in constructive criticism.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that, and good luck with publishing your book.

[Kunama Windrider]

8332977
Sorry, it's just that on this website, I feel pressured instead of relaxed because there needs to be a specific number of words and I have to write about MLP.

[Cutest Boxer Puppy Ever]

magic!” her evil

[Cutest Boxer Puppy Ever]

Ha ha ha!” an uproar

[Kunama Windrider]

8337370
No, it is "Ha ha ha,!" An uproar was made at her words, blah blah.

[Kunama Windrider]

8337364
No, it is" ...magic!" Her evil laugh, blah blah blah.

[Cutest Boxer Puppy Ever]

8345345
Ok say so you're self if you think I’m wrong

[Cutest Boxer Puppy Ever]

8345334
Read it again I edit it

[Kunama Windrider]

8348381
I won't let you edit it because I know that all my punctuation is correct. Go ask a grammar expert!

[Twilight--Paladin]

8348381
I hate to brake it to you, but Kunama Windrider is right.

[RainbowSparkle3]

8333354
Umm, 1000 words isn't that much, and there are reasons it has to be that length. Also, if you don't wanna write about MLP, go to fanfiction.net. Also, about the story...I kinda agree with Doubt, it's definitely interesting, and has potential, but there are some problems like: Lightning is acting OOC, she wasn't kicked out of Cloudsdale, just the Academy. Also, Fleetfoot doesn't seem to be that nice in the show, so basically also OOC. Anyways, interesting concept, and I'm curious as to where this story will go.

[Cutest Boxer Puppy Ever]

8349150
Well I’m just trying to help her and also we are both school friends so we can talk about it at school just letting you know.

[Twilight--Paladin]

8417307
Okay.