• Member Since 16th Jul, 2017
  • offline last seen Oct 22nd, 2021

unknown Graces


T

Paradise: a mythical island that is said to be the birthplace for the world. where wishes are granted by a goddess named Gaia, A world without wars, sickness, death and suffering. But if a land like this truly exist then why is ours so broken? So full of pain, hate, and despair.
For lance the wolf this legend is the last remaining memory of what he lost. He Works under the equestrian guard, protecting princess cadence. After he meets another wolf by the name of iris, he is trusted into a adventure around the world to find the legendry paradise.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 3 )

Hi I'm new to the site and the fandom

Welcome to the family :twilightsmile:

As for the story, it sure is an interesting concept and i wish you the best of luck going forward, though i will not continue it ( don´t think anything of it, it just isn´t my cup of tea).

Some things that stood out to me during reading the first chapter :

Rain- a force that can wash away everything. Pain, memories, regrets, under the rain all of them are nothing but dirt to be cleansed.

I like that, a compelling way to start the story.

"Lance, please five more minutes. "She muffled through the covers

paints a cute picture of cadance in my mind, certainly not something i´m opposed to.


I´d say my main criticism would be that the writing is sometimes a bit confusing. An example would be this :

"That dream again, wait, what is, time is it?"

in the end there is only one comma and one "is" too many, but it does force one to read that sentence twice as it completely rearranges it.
Little mistakes like that are spread all throughout and really pulled me out of the story.

I´d say get an editor, but i am currently looking for one myself and know first hand how fruitless of an endeavour that can feel like if you´re new on this site. My suggestion would be to just proofread your story a couple times before publishing.

Welp, those were my two cents, have fun writing :twilightsmile: !

8345591
thank you for your advice. I didn't even know about that last sentence, anyway I'm glad you liked what you read cause for a while I couldn't tell if I was doing okay or not because I was getting no feedback. so again thank you!

I'm here in response to your post on The Self-Doubting Writers Group MB from about two weeks ago. I don't know how many people, if any, have actually decided to look at this, or whether my input is warranted or wanted. But, you're starting your career as a writer, and I'm looking to do some free gratis work as a reviewer-slash-editor, so hopefully we both get what we want out of this exchange. :twilightsmile:

First off, I'd suggest your story is a bit tag-heavy. Just because you can use a tag doesn't mean you have to. If the gore in your story isn't particularly gorey - no explicit details about what got mangled or crushed - then you don't really need the gore tag. It may be that you're going to capitalize on all of these tags in your story, but that would take a lot of work, and I'm frankly dubious you could pull it off on your first draft.

Let's look at the long-form summary, since that's the next thing potential readers are going to see after your tags.

Paradise: a mythical place that is said to be the birth place for the world. where wishes are granted by a goddess named Gaia. a world without wars, sickness, death. But if a world like this truly exist then why, is ours so broken.So full of pain, of hate, of suffering?
For lance the wolf this legend is the last remaining memory of what he lost, working under the equestrian guard until he meets another wolf by the name of iris thrusting him into a adventure around the world to find the legendry paradise.

In this context, birth-place is one word. Whether you choose to hyphenate it or leave is as "birthplace" doesn't matter. You also used 'place' twice in the first sentence; a mythical realm, a mythical land are two alternatives I came up with off the top of my head that allow for more word variety. 'Where wishes are granted...Gaia' is a dependent clause, and should be linked to the first sentence by a comma. 'A world without...death.' can work on its own, even though it's technically wrong to leave it as it is. Drama can excuse a lot of grammatical errors, but only if you do it right. I'd also suggest adding 'suffering' to the list, and adding 'and' before the final entry in the list. A world without wars, sickness, suffering, pain, and death. 'why is ours so broken' is a question, and the clause before it doesn't change how the sentence should end; replace the period with a question mark. You can cut off the next question. It's unnecessary, as all those qualities (so full of hate, war, etc.) are presumed by the preceding question (in contrast with Paradise, why is our world so broken?).

For Lance the wolf - I presume that's his name, anyway - this legend is the last remaining memory of what he lost. Full stop there. Now all you need to do is reword the rest of your run-on sentence and explain that he is: working in the Equestrian Guard; encounters another wolf named Iris; and embarks on an adventure with her to rediscover Paradise, or whatever. I'm sure you're creative enough to come up with better wording for this, to make it sound less... awkward might be the best word.

But enough toying around; let's get right into the story, shall we?

Rain- a force that can wash away everything. Pain, memories, regrets, under the rain all of them are nothing but dirt to be cleansed. A flood that takes those things with them, but in the end, I still remember., a bright gray Pegasus is lying there in the dirt she smiled at me while holding her stomach.

Honestly, it isn't bad. You've got a solid grasp of similes, and the styling is pretty good. A little spit and polish, and this would shine. What is the acceptable level of cheesiness allowed? You could go full Ham in the fist paragraph, so long as its adequately depressing and/or mysterious, and I think you'd still turn out okay.

"Sis!"

Maybe it's my autism talking, but whenever I hear someone talking to, at, or about their siblings, they always use first names. Or, if they're too lazy, or trying to be vague, they say 'my brother' or 'my sister'. That wouldn't work here, though, since it's an exclamation. I have to ask; if this character is so important to Lance, why did you not bother to give her a name? If Lance is genuinely that close to his sister, fine, but... it just sounds awkward to me. I can't be the only one, right?

In front of me stood a large white unicorn stallion who had a full beard around his muzzle and an eye patch on his left eye.

A good rule of thumb when it comes to describing your characters; the more in-depth their description, the less the reader cares. Thankfully, you didn't fall into the trap every novice writer falls into. White, beard, eye-patch. Got it. Good job.

It felt warm like I was rapped in a huge warm blanket as he settled me on his back.

Wrapped.

I'm going to say this now, since I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. I'm sure you have descriptions in your mind about how these characters think, behave, act, etc. You know what their personalities are already. So to you, it's just a matter of making them go through the motions. Your readers don't know anything about these characters going in, and as the writer, it's your job to not just introduce your characters to your readers, but to let your readers get to know your characters. Give the audience time to get inside each important person's head, don't just explain what they're thinking at any given moment. I feel like you're rushing through the story, when what you should be doing is letting the story develop at its own pace. A fantastic example of this is whatmustido's magnum opus, Diaries of a Madman. It is definitely not safe for work, and is definitely not for all audiences, but it does characterization extraordinarily well. If you can read it, are allowed to read it, and are fine with the occasional bit of clop (all of which you can skip, I believe), this is a great how-to for character development.

The point I'm ultimately getting at is this: you can't develop a character in one chapter, and you're doing yourself and your audience a disservice by rushing the story to get to the good bits.

You're writing a lot of run-on sentences. A good rule-of-thumb is to let one sentence represent one thought. If two or more thoughts naturally flow into one-another, then use a comma to link them together, and it will greatly improve your writing.

Another thing that's been grinding my gears is your absolute refusal to start a new paragraph when someone begins speaking. This...

Walking out of the castle in the busying streets of canterlot, my eye ponies shopping , talking, and hanging out like they usually do. Positive, carefree, and sometimes asking to pet me which I admit is probably one of the only good things about being confused for a dog. I can hear cadence chuckle as we walk past some mares "What's so funny?" I ask as cadence who was resettling her tri color mane of purple, gold and pink in a ponytail mane style.

...should look like this...

Walking out of the castle in the busying streets of canterlot, my eye ponies shopping , talking, and hanging out like they usually do. Positive, carefree, and sometimes asking to pet me which I admit is probably one of the only good things about being confused for a dog. I can hear cadence chuckle as we walk past some mares.

"What's so funny?" I ask as cadence who was resettling her tri color mane of purple, gold and pink in a ponytail mane style.

If you don't think that reads better, then... well, it's ultimately up to you to decide how you write your story.

I finished the prologue. It's promising; you've put thought into the characters and story, and you're at least a competent writer. Unfortunately, you're rushing through your story, and it shows in your writing. When you started the prologue - when you took your time - you wrote something interesting. It needed polish, but what was there was interesting nonetheless. As the prologue drug on, I can tell you got more and more impatient. Your grammar started slipping. The interactions between characters became more awkward and stilted. You need to take your time.

Also, proof-read your story, and maybe look into a thing called "Grammarly". It's apparently some kind of free, automated proof-reader, and it can automatically fix minor grammar mistakes. All I know about it is what I saw in ads on YouTube, so take my word with a grain of salt.

So... I guess if you've got anything to say, let me know. I'm not new to the critiquing thing, but if I'm wrong about you not taking your time, tell me and I'll fix/remove my review. Sorry if this sounds discouraging. Nobody wants to admit they're not at the top of the mountain already, but the best thing about learning a new skill is the constant, unending pursuit of perfection. Good luck with your author thing, and sorry I didn't get to the fight scene. Someone else is going to need to cover that.

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