• Published 23rd Jul 2017
  • 416 Views, 3 Comments

Tales of Paradise - unknown Graces



This is the story of lance a wolf raised in equestria working the royal guard. however after he meets another wolf by the name of iris he is soon thrusted into a journey of self rememberance of control vs freedom

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chapter:3

I woke up to the annoying sound of birds and sunlight stinging my eyes as I stretch and move groggily move out of bed. I move through the castle slowly, getting hellos and glances on my way to the kitchen. When I got there cadence was drinking, what I can assume is tea with silver strings and scarlet.


“Morning Lance.”


I say nothing to them as I walk over and face plant onto the table with a loud thud. I can hear plates clatter and the smell of an omelet in front of my face, which I happily dig into.


“Geez, you look terrible, did you stay up all night?


“I couldn’t get any sleep because the party was too loud.”


I can hear them jokingly fawn over me, but I'm too tired to find a comeback, so I focus on eating my meal, devouring it. Stopping only to breathe and drink water.


“Well, I'm sure you’ll get plenty of sleep on the way to las Pegasus later.”


Cadence says, patting my head as she passes by me, moving to her seat. Honestly, I had forgotten about the trip, my mind being preoccupied with other “problems” of late. Though it’s more like a given vacation, that celestia couldn’t go on so she gave it to cadence and armor. So i get to come involuntarily to a beach in one of the hottest summers ever, "yea".


I finish eating as Fury walks into the room talking to a stallion deep blue Pegasus talking away about the schedule while he and the others are gone for the next month and a half. From what i heard from fury, he, scarlet, guilds, and strings are all going to the continent west of equestria for recon.

“Hey cadence, where’s that stallion friend of yours? I have something to tell him.”


“He should be here soon.”


Just then a maid walks in announcing that armor was in the main hall waiting for cadence, in which she immediately got up to go followed by fury.


“Come on lance!”


I sighed, getting up to follow the two along with grabbing a cinnamon bun out the way out. ***


When I get there armor is saluting fury and then moves into hugging cadence. I move up next to fury who clears his throat, effectively ending the scene of affection as the two share an awkward blush.


“Alright, shining armor. You are going along with Cadence and lance as a guest, so behave yourselves you two. Moving on from that, shining you'll be taking Lance's place as Cadence's guard since lance will be joining us on our mission.”


“WHAT?!”


We both look at him with wide eyes. I, myself more angry than surprised. Fury waited patiently for us to stop throwing questions his way. When we finally calm down, he began to explain.

“Look, it is what it is we need you with us, so lance you're going to show him the ropes and help out with anything that comes up until we ship out, that's an order. If you excuse me.”


Fury leaves me with silence and my thoughts. Armor and cadence walk right past me chatting away. I sigh slowly walking back with them.***


We got on the train heading for las Pegasus, fury and the others would catch up with us later that night. The car we were in was completely quiet except the sound of the rails clicking along the wheels of the train. I was sitting on the left with the ponies were on the right.


Armor and Cadence were playing cards as I was trying to sleep, but honestly, I wasn’t getting any. I was still upset really, I've gone from a guard dog to being replaced completely by him of all ponies. Am I that useless now, a tool passed around where needed?


“You got any threes?”


“Nope, go fish.”


I look back at those two laughing, smiling enjoying themselves. Would she even miss me at this point I mean if I stopped being there would she even notice? Still, I don’t feel comfortable leaving them alone. I sigh again, this time loud enough for the two to hear me.


“ Lance are you-”


Before cadence can finish her question the train begins to come to a stop as we reach our destination. We get out of our train car with ponies rushing on and off the train before it sets off again.


“Lance, are you going to be okay?”


“I’m fine cadence, just fine.”


I say bitterly moving to the edge over the loading and unloading platform with cadence behind me.


"We have to walk to the hotel, no coches left. It looks like it will be at least a mile walk from here


I can hear armor say leaving the station with cadence and I following behind him i can see cadence stare back at me one more time before her gaze leaves me.***


Thus, the three us began walking on the road going to the hotel, it was pretty quiet between the three of us, not like there was anything to talk about really nor did I want to talk anyway but of course armor opens his mouth fixing for a question.


“So, lance you ready for tomorrow?”


Armor asks me looking behind him to see me. Sighing, i roll my eyes and him walk past him and cadence, getting ahead of both of them.


“If you mean, I'm ready to be fired and replaced by someone I can't stand and feel is completely inadequate for the job he's being hoof given. then yes, armor I can't freaking wait to go on a month's trip into a barren wasteland.”


I say sarcastically, making overly dramatic motions and gestures as I do, ending up with facing armor and locking eyes with him.


“Okay, what is your issue?


Armor yells me now annoyed. I look back at cadence for a second trying to form an answer, seeing her concerned face before turning around, my back to them.


“You wouldn’t get it even if I told you.”


I start walking, ignoring cadence’s calls That was when I heard it, a sound none like I've heard before carried by the wind, coming from a place nearby. So I follow the sound up a hill. Reaching the top I saw a huge meadow of flowers, all in bloom throughout.

There in the center, I see her, a light grey wolf wearing a large red handkerchief around her neck. She had her head pointed up to the orange sky above, the sound she was making was amazing. I was mesmerized, I took a step forward towards her, causing her to stop and set her gaze on me.


“Are you lost?”


“Huh, did you say something?”


She shakes her head walking up to me, now that i get a better look at her even though she seems older she was the same size as me if not a little bigger. I also notice that under the handkerchief there was a stripe of black fur.


“I said are you lost?”


She gives me a soft smile staring at me with her light blue eyes. I guess trying to get a read on me.


“No, I'm not my friend is at the bottom of the hill. Anyway, what were you doing earlier?”


“What you mean howling? I do it sometimes when I'm frustrated about something, you like it?”


I nod and she laughs and smiles. But she stops and looks at me.


‘Oh yeah, I’m iris by the way. You?”


“Lance.”


Our conversation is cut short by armor and cadence coming over from climbing the hill. Cadence landing on the ground while armor huffed the last steps up the hill.


“Lance there you are! Oh hi, i didn’t see you there.”***


“So iris, what are you doing here?”


Cadence said, sitting amidst the blooms of flowers along with armor who was getting a breather, and myself.


“Well, right now I’m searching for a flower that ponies say have been growing on this hill, and to no avail because I still haven’t found it yet.”


“ So you're a florist?”


Iris stays silent as if pondering what to say like she wasn’t asked that question before.


“Nope, I'm more a researcher of old myths and legends from around the world. The one I’m working on now kind of revolves around this specific flower.”


Iris explains excitedly, looking out over the setting sun over the horizon. Before getting up and walking over to the entrance of the hill.


“Well, it's getting late if we want to get back to the hotel by nightfall we better go now, if you don’t mind me tagging along?”


We all got up in agreement, preparing to go with armor being first.


“Don’t worry girls, after all you've got one of the best knights in the army protecting you.”


Armor says chest puffed out in confidence causing the girls to giggle a little, passing him by with cadence giving him an eye roll.


“Oh, why thank you my knight.”


We leave with me following behind slowly as we head for the hotel. With and cadence occasionally looking back at me, I can only assume that they want to talk about my earlier outburst but don't want to in iris's company. I can only sigh knowing what they were going to say when we got to the hotel, but I'd be gone by morning so it would matter anyway.

***


When we got back to the hotel it was twilight with the sun setting down. We decided that cadence and armor would share the room we originally got and iris and I would share her room, though I found it odd that she let me stay there after we met only a few hours ago.


“Thanks for letting me stay here and all iris, but I still don’t get why you want me here.”


Iris was sitting on the bed adjacent of mine, she was messing with some cards that looked longer than normal ones.

“To give you a break, it seemed like you needed some space from those two. Given how you were yelling back there."


She smiled at me before looking out the window where cadence and armor were sitting on the beach watching the stars. The more i watched, the more annoyed I got at well, everything and I hated it.


“I have a question for you, you said your group was heading for the continent west of here right?”


Iris gets off the bed, stretching out and yawning, jumping down and heading to the balcony. Her fur glistening brightly under the moonlight. She gestured over to me to come to her.


“I was wondering if I could tag along for the ship ride over there. Plus I was wondering if you would like to come along with me when I separate from your group.”


I looked at her with her stern face waiting for my answer. I stay silent, thinking it over. I mean there’s nothing left for me besides watching those two move up in the world, growing old with fury in retirement. But that means throwing away the life I have now, then again, there's not much left of that now though.


The room is quiet as only the wind and the waves can be heard between me and iris.


“Iris, don’t you think this is a little sudden. I mean we literally met today and you want me to go off on an adventure with you? A person you barely know.”


Iris opens her mouth to answer before she can say anything a loud scream can be heard from outside. I immediately got out of bed and moved over to the balcony to see armor on his back in the sand with cadence right at his side. Though there was too much sand and dust to see what was happening, ignoring all common sense, I jump from the second floor on to the soft sand below.


The scene before me was, a hooded figure floating in mid air. With armor knocked out cold in the sand and cadence huddled over him. So really what I would be expecting of him in this type of situation. I can hear iris behind me as the hooded figure flew away the moment she got there.


“Hey, where are you going?”


I chase after him leaving iris with armor and cadence. It seems like whoever it was is heading for that hill we were at earlier.

“iris, Take care of them, I'm going after him!”

I say chasing after the hooded figure. I wasn't aware of it at the time but this is when my story truly started. On my last peaceful day on equestrian soil.

Comments ( 1 )

I'm here in response to your post on The Self-Doubting Writers Group MB from about two weeks ago. I don't know how many people, if any, have actually decided to look at this, or whether my input is warranted or wanted. But, you're starting your career as a writer, and I'm looking to do some free gratis work as a reviewer-slash-editor, so hopefully we both get what we want out of this exchange. :twilightsmile:

First off, I'd suggest your story is a bit tag-heavy. Just because you can use a tag doesn't mean you have to. If the gore in your story isn't particularly gorey - no explicit details about what got mangled or crushed - then you don't really need the gore tag. It may be that you're going to capitalize on all of these tags in your story, but that would take a lot of work, and I'm frankly dubious you could pull it off on your first draft.

Let's look at the long-form summary, since that's the next thing potential readers are going to see after your tags.

Paradise: a mythical place that is said to be the birth place for the world. where wishes are granted by a goddess named Gaia. a world without wars, sickness, death. But if a world like this truly exist then why, is ours so broken.So full of pain, of hate, of suffering?
For lance the wolf this legend is the last remaining memory of what he lost, working under the equestrian guard until he meets another wolf by the name of iris thrusting him into a adventure around the world to find the legendry paradise.

In this context, birth-place is one word. Whether you choose to hyphenate it or leave is as "birthplace" doesn't matter. You also used 'place' twice in the first sentence; a mythical realm, a mythical land are two alternatives I came up with off the top of my head that allow for more word variety. 'Where wishes are granted...Gaia' is a dependent clause, and should be linked to the first sentence by a comma. 'A world without...death.' can work on its own, even though it's technically wrong to leave it as it is. Drama can excuse a lot of grammatical errors, but only if you do it right. I'd also suggest adding 'suffering' to the list, and adding 'and' before the final entry in the list. A world without wars, sickness, suffering, pain, and death. 'why is ours so broken' is a question, and the clause before it doesn't change how the sentence should end; replace the period with a question mark. You can cut off the next question. It's unnecessary, as all those qualities (so full of hate, war, etc.) are presumed by the preceding question (in contrast with Paradise, why is our world so broken?).

For Lance the wolf - I presume that's his name, anyway - this legend is the last remaining memory of what he lost. Full stop there. Now all you need to do is reword the rest of your run-on sentence and explain that he is: working in the Equestrian Guard; encounters another wolf named Iris; and embarks on an adventure with her to rediscover Paradise, or whatever. I'm sure you're creative enough to come up with better wording for this, to make it sound less... awkward might be the best word.

But enough toying around; let's get right into the story, shall we?

Rain- a force that can wash away everything. Pain, memories, regrets, under the rain all of them are nothing but dirt to be cleansed. A flood that takes those things with them, but in the end, I still remember., a bright gray Pegasus is lying there in the dirt she smiled at me while holding her stomach.

Honestly, it isn't bad. You've got a solid grasp of similes, and the styling is pretty good. A little spit and polish, and this would shine. What is the acceptable level of cheesiness allowed? You could go full Ham in the fist paragraph, so long as its adequately depressing and/or mysterious, and I think you'd still turn out okay.

"Sis!"

Maybe it's my autism talking, but whenever I hear someone talking to, at, or about their siblings, they always use first names. Or, if they're too lazy, or trying to be vague, they say 'my brother' or 'my sister'. That wouldn't work here, though, since it's an exclamation. I have to ask; if this character is so important to Lance, why did you not bother to give her a name? If Lance is genuinely that close to his sister, fine, but... it just sounds awkward to me. I can't be the only one, right?

In front of me stood a large white unicorn stallion who had a full beard around his muzzle and an eye patch on his left eye.

A good rule of thumb when it comes to describing your characters; the more in-depth their description, the less the reader cares. Thankfully, you didn't fall into the trap every novice writer falls into. White, beard, eye-patch. Got it. Good job.

It felt warm like I was rapped in a huge warm blanket as he settled me on his back.

Wrapped.

I'm going to say this now, since I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. I'm sure you have descriptions in your mind about how these characters think, behave, act, etc. You know what their personalities are already. So to you, it's just a matter of making them go through the motions. Your readers don't know anything about these characters going in, and as the writer, it's your job to not just introduce your characters to your readers, but to let your readers get to know your characters. Give the audience time to get inside each important person's head, don't just explain what they're thinking at any given moment. I feel like you're rushing through the story, when what you should be doing is letting the story develop at its own pace. A fantastic example of this is whatmustido's magnum opus, Diaries of a Madman. It is definitely not safe for work, and is definitely not for all audiences, but it does characterization extraordinarily well. If you can read it, are allowed to read it, and are fine with the occasional bit of clop (all of which you can skip, I believe), this is a great how-to for character development.

The point I'm ultimately getting at is this: you can't develop a character in one chapter, and you're doing yourself and your audience a disservice by rushing the story to get to the good bits.

You're writing a lot of run-on sentences. A good rule-of-thumb is to let one sentence represent one thought. If two or more thoughts naturally flow into one-another, then use a comma to link them together, and it will greatly improve your writing.

Another thing that's been grinding my gears is your absolute refusal to start a new paragraph when someone begins speaking. This...

Walking out of the castle in the busying streets of canterlot, my eye ponies shopping , talking, and hanging out like they usually do. Positive, carefree, and sometimes asking to pet me which I admit is probably one of the only good things about being confused for a dog. I can hear cadence chuckle as we walk past some mares "What's so funny?" I ask as cadence who was resettling her tri color mane of purple, gold and pink in a ponytail mane style.

...should look like this...

Walking out of the castle in the busying streets of canterlot, my eye ponies shopping , talking, and hanging out like they usually do. Positive, carefree, and sometimes asking to pet me which I admit is probably one of the only good things about being confused for a dog. I can hear cadence chuckle as we walk past some mares.

"What's so funny?" I ask as cadence who was resettling her tri color mane of purple, gold and pink in a ponytail mane style.

If you don't think that reads better, then... well, it's ultimately up to you to decide how you write your story.

I finished the prologue. It's promising; you've put thought into the characters and story, and you're at least a competent writer. Unfortunately, you're rushing through your story, and it shows in your writing. When you started the prologue - when you took your time - you wrote something interesting. It needed polish, but what was there was interesting nonetheless. As the prologue drug on, I can tell you got more and more impatient. Your grammar started slipping. The interactions between characters became more awkward and stilted. You need to take your time.

Also, proof-read your story, and maybe look into a thing called "Grammarly". It's apparently some kind of free, automated proof-reader, and it can automatically fix minor grammar mistakes. All I know about it is what I saw in ads on YouTube, so take my word with a grain of salt.

So... I guess if you've got anything to say, let me know. I'm not new to the critiquing thing, but if I'm wrong about you not taking your time, tell me and I'll fix/remove my review. Sorry if this sounds discouraging. Nobody wants to admit they're not at the top of the mountain already, but the best thing about learning a new skill is the constant, unending pursuit of perfection. Good luck with your author thing, and sorry I didn't get to the fight scene. Someone else is going to need to cover that.

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