makota
Joined 2nd Apr, 2015 ·
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Sequels1
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makota · 9.4k words · 48 views
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Why are you having second thoughts on the title?
8217924
Well, I was having second thoughts on the title cause it makes it seem like the story is only about Simon when there are going to be other’s from his world coming through.
How long until it's acknowledged that he didn't attack first?
8231229
I'm not sure if it will ever be acknowledged or I might just keep it as a running gag
need MOAR!!!!!
woot~!
8334051
I'm glad that you enjoy this silly little story and I am working on more.
8335658
yeah dude its great, hope you could give or add visuals on some descriptions of the magi-tech he has im kinda having a hard time with my imagination!
i.imgflip.com/le5v7.jpg
woot~!
8335980
Well I will do better trying to describe it as for pictures I can't draw but I might get something on a blog post that's some of the more common tech used
Dude this is a good story and I can not wait for moar
8400958
I'm glad you like it and the next chapter is almost done
8402176
Sweet!
Love this story so far, keep it up!
8411909
I thank you for the continued support I was unsure of how well this chapter was going to go over I'm glad there are some people enjoying it
8412632
Are you a first time writer or do you have exp in storys?
8416400
Well this is the first really, the only real experience I have in writing was a class I took in high school
8417279
Well I tell you what, you are good
8417296
Thank you very much I know there are errors but I do try my best
This is a very creative story however you have a major problem with run-on sentences I believe that it is because you are pausing in your head as you read your paragraphs while in real life you aren't using commas periods etc the reason that this strikes me this massively is because I am blind my Mac actually reads me whats written and when a computer reads these stories writing mistakes really jump out at you. Here is a good example
Again, I do like this story. However you need to clean this up by quite a bit. I recommend asking around for an editor/proof reader. There are many people on this site who would be happy to help you.
I am not n English teacher, but this is what feels more natural.
"The last few months, my sister and I have been detecting the opening of rifts in magic from another world. We have been able to close them as they opened, but we can no longer deny that something is opening these rifts on purpose." Twilight was taken back by this. She knew the princesses had a tough job, but defending them against other worlds was not something she expected.
The Monk
8454014
I Thank you for your honesty and little corrections you have offered. right now I am trying to find new editors after my last ones bailed on me
While this story shows promise , I have noticed grammar issues such as not capitalizing the first letter at the start of a sentence and not capitalizing proper nouns . I strongly suggest availing yourself to the services of an editor .
8564089
Yes I know I have a lot of those as well as run on sentences, I do try my best as for an editor I am trying to find one but I don't have money to pay one for their services and I would hate to ask one to do so for free. I do go back every once and a while and fix what I can.
8564498
Check your word processor. A good one has the option of automatically capitalizing the first word of a sentence, fixing that problem for you. If yours doesn't, consider downloading the FREE LibreOffice which does.
Run-on sentences cure: if a sentence is longer than 1.5 times the width of your editing screen (assuming 80 character width), then SHORTEN THE SENTENCE! You will find some you can't do that to, but this will work 90% of the time. If you have used a comma more than three times in a sentence, you've used it two time too many (unless you are listing things). If you have more than one and in a sentence, the second and should be the start of a new sentence (and not using the word and).
Another trick is one verb per sentence. When you change a thought, you need a new sentence. Take a good look at the edits rikithemonk suggested below in message #20. you'll see each of the periods he suggested marked a change in thought.
Finally, when someone suggests an edit change -- do it! your readership is low enough that making the edits in chapter one will have a big impact on future readers staying with the story.
8945671
Thanks for the advise I will definitely keep that in mind as I edit the chapters.
Looks like a sequel is in the works...nice
9339965
Sequel?... Sequel Sea-quill... I do not know this word Sequel
9340369
Suurreee you don't lol
SEQuaaaaal,
10/10 ign from the cat on your keyboard apisdjasdoasdpasod
9356089
Error code not understood activating Cat+Alt+F4
9356028
There is no war in Ba Sing Se
Does the Equestria Girls world exist in this universe?
11496021
I'm going to have to say no. I haven't seen any of those movies therefore I don't know enough to incorporate knowledge pertaining to them to any characters.
Edit: the world exists in this multiverse its just the events of the movies didn't happen
8217924
he been thinkin alot lately so much so he thinks twice as much as before fr
id like to imagine simon as key huy quan, dont know why
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/092/841/facedown.jpg
so good. simons a total menace.
11740636
What can I say My main inspiration for Simons personality was Vash from Trigun