Homebound

Just after summer vacation starts in Canterlot, Sunset Shimmer is contemplating leaving to go to Equestria permanently. However, if she were to do that, she would have to leave her girlfriend, Twilight Sparkle. She will try as hard as she can to keep her but it will be hard to accomplish.

Since this is my first fic, comments saying what could be improved are appreciated

Chapters (3)

Part 1 · 20th May 2017 · 2,005 words
2,005
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Part 2 · 22nd May 2017 · 1,433 words
1,433
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Part 3 · 24th May 2017 · 779 words
779
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Comments ( 16 )

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Viper Pit

Viper Pit #1 · May 22nd, 2017 · · · Part 1 ·

interesting very interesting you have my interest please do go on

Windsor

Windsor #2 · May 22nd, 2017 · · · Part 1 ·

Sunset trying to bring Sci-Twi with her to Equestria? Now that is a very rare idea. Okay, I want to read more of this.

RodTheBrony

RodTheBrony #3 · May 22nd, 2017 · · · Part 1 ·

8180704 don't worry. I am currently working on part 2. It should be out by next week

Mist

Mist #4 · May 22nd, 2017 · 2 · · Part 1 ·

Okay, spelling and grammar checks are needed badly. There's a spelling mistake in the description even (it's spelled permanently). There are tons of points of dialogue that feel redundant as well...

Also many places where there is a period that a period should not be.

OmniFox

OmniFox #5 · May 22nd, 2017 · · · Part 1 ·

There's a reason the portal is a top secret level S.

RodTheBrony

RodTheBrony #6 · May 22nd, 2017 · · · Part 1 ·

8181097 thanks for the feedback. I will try to fix those things for pt 2 and 3

Viper Pit

Viper Pit #7 · May 23rd, 2017 · 1 · · Part 2 ·

so far im enjoying to story i just hope not telling the dad wont bit them in the ass

everydaygamer

everydaygamer #8 · May 24th, 2017 · 1 · · Part 3 ·

It wasn't perfect but for a first effort it was pretty good. Definitely earned points for the premise, I've seen stories where Sunset never left Equestria and stories where she visits Equestria but never a story where she moves back especially not with someone it tow. It's a good idea I wish more people would explore.

Still good job and I'll keep an eye out for your next story.

EASTON

EASTON #9 · May 24th, 2017 · · · Part 3 ·

Need sequel. PLEASE!

MySisterBroughtMeHere

MySisterBroughtMeHere #10 · May 24th, 2017 · 1 · · Part 3 ·

This story and its premise are good, but there were some things that could have used a bit more development such as why Twilight's parents seemed to have a vital and driving opinion where Twilight goes while she apparently is able to live on her own, having her own house and all.

Anyway, keep up the good work. Looking forward to that next story you're hinting at.

RodTheBrony

RodTheBrony #11 · May 25th, 2017 · · · Part 3 ·

8185377 ;-)

Viper Pit

Viper Pit #12 · May 25th, 2017 · 1 · · Part 3 ·

the end or is it thats almost as bad as a life changing decision being made with no answer for a ending I LOVE IT

DarkHooves

DarkHooves #13 · Jul 7th, 2018 · · · Part 1 ·

If I can help you, I'd like to offer some criticism.

“ Sure. Go ahead.“ Twilight responded

“Wha?t” Twilight had a shocked look on her face. “Why? What’s wrong”?

First is two minor errors. It's nitpicky, but very noticable.
Like Mist said, spelling and grammar is very important as it sets the bar of "writer" and "non-writer".
-

The next day in the afternoon, Sunset was playing some Call of Duty online with Rainbow.

Here, I'd consider putting an empty line, a dash, horisontal rule or something else to separate it from the previous line. Maybe even having The next day as its own line.
This is to make the transition from one day to another more apparent, as you risk having people miss it like I did when I first read it.
-

As Twilight opened the door, her face lit up with pure joy. Sunset was going to say something until Twilight grabbed Sunset’s arm and dragged her into Twilight’s bedroom. As Twilight closed the door, Sunset said something.
“Are your parents here?” Sunset asked.
“No." Twilight replied.
“WERE they here?” Sunset was getting louder.
“ No." Twilight replied.
“Good. Why did you tell them”? Sunset was getting even louder without realizing it.
“It was eating me up. I didn't want to tell the girls so I called them. It just a coincidence Shining was dropping off something. They were my only option. I'm sorry I should've talked to you instead.” Twilight said softly
“It's fine. All we have to do is--"
“NO IT IS NOT FINE” Twilight said as loud as she could interrupting Sunset.

And for my last critique, I have no idea what is happening in this section. Maybe it's just me but I don't get if Sci-Twi's sad or happy, how her parents found out, who she called, where Shining fits in all this or why she's shouting at the end.

But the story's got potential from what I read! I'm intrigued where this'll go and I'll keep reading it at the very least.
Keep it up and hope I didn't come across as too harsh.

ScisetShimmerEvan

ScisetShimmerEvan #14 · Jun 22nd, 2022 · · · Part 1 ·

“It's always clothing with you,” Applejack replied. “Especially in the summer months. I however am going to do some hard work on the farm. Like I do every summer.”

What did you expect AJ, it's Rarity we're talking about.

“Thanks,” Twilight said, “I will think about coming with you. It would be hard for me but, if that means it would make you happy, I’d do it. For you.”

This will certainly be a tough decision Twilight will have to make in regards to her relationship with Sunset and her life in general as well.

Sunset put her phone on the couch. She didn't know what to do. She started to tear up. There was no way in hell she could convince Twi’s parents. She would try. She probably would fail. If I'd did fail, she had 2 choices. Ethier leave for Equestria without Twilight. Or don't go at all. Either route she didn't like either of them. She didn't even know how she was going to say about her leaving to the rest of the girls at the start and now she has this issue to add on to that. At the end of the day, she would go for the path that would make Twi most happy. Even if that meant no going back to Equestria.

You got two choices to decide from Sunset. Either return to equestria without sci twi or stay in the human world to continue your life there and your relationship with Sci Twi. Imo, I kinda prefer the second option as imo, it's always important to choose the side of love, even if the sacrifices you'll make will be tragic.

“And I'll be most happy if you are happy. Therefore you should go.” Twilight said a little louder.

Maybe it's for the best this happens Sunset, I'm sorry.

ScisetShimmerEvan

ScisetShimmerEvan #15 · Jun 22nd, 2022 · · · Part 2 ·

After she was done comforting Twilight, Sunset rode her bike over to Twilight’s parents house as fast as she could. She wanted this conversation to be as peaceful as possible when talking to them. She didn't want to mess up any chance Twilight had coming with Sunset to Equestria. When she arrived at the house, she put her bike beside their driveway and started walking up the driveway. When she got to the front door and rang the doorbell. There was no response.

Huh, was expecting Twilight was still living with her parents in this story but apparently she's not.

Twilight.V smiled. “C’mon in, whatever you need you need, we can talk about it inside.”

I really don't think you need should there twice as it just sounds so weird and confusing.

“You made a solid point,” Twilight.V said calmly. “Twilight can go with you.”

Seriously! She's just letting her go just like that!?!?

Twilight smiled and then went into her house with her book in hand. Sunset smiled. Everything was going as planned. She wasn't expecting things to go this smoothly but it had. All she needed is to get the girls over and she could do something she has been wanting to do for a month now. Propose to Twilight.

😦

https://m.