Where's the narrator!?

by WriterForFun

...

...

"Hello?"

...

"Anypony there?"

...

"(Oh,wait)AnyONE there?"

...

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

...

"MR. NARRATOOOOOR! THIS ISN'T FUNNYYYYY! WE HAVE TO START THE STORYYYYY!"

...

"Great... Now what?"

...

"It's not like there's much to do... I mean, I'm just in a white space."

...

"There's even echo in here! Echoooo!"

...

"Well, I'm not going anywhere until the narrator shows up!"

...

"I mean, what kind of story doesn't have a narration? That's just silly!"

...

"So all I've to do is wait for him!"

...

"Aaaaand it's boring already."

...

"Oh! I know! I'll just sing a song for no apparent reason! Ahem..."

I know a song that annoys everyone

"Pinkie!!"

"Oh, hi Dashie!What's up?"

"What's taking you so long? I'm tired of waiting for you to appear and start the scene!"

"But we just got here..."

"Exactly! Too long!"

"Well, we can't start the story! The narrator isn't here yet!"

"Really!? Can't we just start without him/her?"

"But Dashie, we can't have a story without narration! That'd be too silly!"

"Don't worry! We'll just have to find a replacement!"

"Great Idea! But who could possibly..?"

"Me!"

"Gah! Who's there?"

"It's your favorite mailmare,Derpy!"

"Okay, first of all, Isn't your name Muffins?"

"Try saying that to the fandom..."

"Second, you're our ONLY mailmare!"

"Nuh-uh! There's that-other-pony-whose-name-I-don't-remember-and-appeared-working-on-the-mail-more-than-I-did!"

"Nah, he doesn't count."

"Because he's a colt?"

"Because no one likes him."

"That sounds harsh on him."

"Nopony cares."

"I do!"

"Anyway, I have the perfect story to narrate!"

"It's about muffins, isn't it?"

"It's about muf... Seriously, how?"

"That's your answer to everything, Derpy!"

"Lies! I didn't use muffins to rebuild my house!"

"YOU REBUILT IT IN THE SHAPE OF A MUFFIN!!"

"So? It's not made out of muffins."

"Uuuuurgh... You're hopeless."

"How did you figure out my middle name?"

"Girls, we have to focus! We're just adding pointless filler to the story! That's just for meeting the minimum word count!"

"So what? The editor will just edit it out."

"We don't have an editor! This is literally the autor's first story!"

"Oh... Horseapples."

"Well then, without further ado, let's start "The adventures of Captain Muffin", by Derpy Ditzy Muffins Hopeless Doo Hooves!"

"Yay! Can I be Lord Cupcake? I'd make a very menacing villain!"

"What!? I'm not dressing up as a muffin with a cape! (And when did she have time to pull out that script?)"

"Oh, Rainbow, who said that you're the heroine? I am Captain Muffin!"

"Then what would be my role?"

"The pet sidekick, Chuckles the Wonder Goldfish!"

"..."

"He can breathe outside of the water! And make muffins!"

"..."

"..."

"... On second thought, it'd be better if we wait for the narrator."

"Oh, come on! My story would be totally a hit!"

"If by "hit" you mean "hitting rock bottom", then yeah, that's about right."

"Like your stories are any better, Ms. Prism Speed, Captain of the Wonderbolts!"

"Hey! Who said you could read my fanfictions?"

"...Pinkie."

"PINKIE!!!!"

"Uh... I can explain!"

"I really doubt it!"

"Oh, boy! Conflict! Can you do it slowly? I have to write all of it to use as inspiration for my next fic."

"I'm gonna make you confess everything!"

"Uh... Can't we just wait for the story to begin and forget everything that happened thus far?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Hey! Did you hear that?" Derpy noted.

"YAY! THE NARRATOR IS HERE!" Pinkie Pie celebrated.

The narrator take this moment between dialogues to explain that he was busy with other entertainment media in the world wide web and only now could appear to work.

"You mean you were watching videos on the internet and only now remembered that you have a story to narrate?"

...

The narrator tells Pinkie to shut up.

"Urgh! Let's just start the story! I have better things to do! Like napping!" Rainbow impatiently said with a frown.

Well then, the narrator will begin.

On a beautiful day in

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

...

"What was that?" Asked Rainbow.

Erm... It appears the time of work is up, so the story will have to wait another day. The narrator bids you all farewell and he/she will go watch videos attend important business elsewhere.

"WHAT!? AFTER ALL THIS TIME WASTED YOU JUST LEAVE? COME BACK HERE, YOU JERK!"

...

"Aaaaand he/she's gone."

"Great. I guess that's it, then."

"Yup! That's it!"

"What a waste of time. I didn't sign up for this."

"I did!"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun and has shenanigans! It's funnanigans!"

"Whatever."

"Well then, I'll just go and deliver more mail! Bye everypony!"

"Bye Derpy!"

"Bye!"

"..."

"..."

"So, about my fanfictions..."

"Errrrrm....

THAT'SALLFOLKSBYE!"

"PINKIE!! COME BACK HERE!! YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME HOW YOU'D FIND MY SECRET HIDEOUT!!"

Author's Note:

Well, my first story ever and it's a total nutcase (wonder what that says about me...).
Anyway, questions and good criticism on the comments below.(coughandpraisescough)
See you... I don't know when!

Comments

[Level Dasher]

Huh. Well, that happened. I guess if you're just getting started with writing, going with Pinkie and breaking the 4th wall isn't a bad way to begin.

There are plenty of constructive criticisms I could normally give, but given the premise of the story, most of them don't really apply...

But I can offer you these suggestions:

— When the narrator is a character in the story, I personally believe it's better to have them narrate in first-person. It makes them actually feel like part of the story instead of an outside essence, and even though they technically are, having them refer to themselves in first person just flows better. Instead of this:

The narrator take this moment between dialogues to explain that he was busy with other entertainment media in the world wide web and only now could appear to work.

I'd try something like this:

Sorry, everypony. I was busy with... other entertainment media on the world wide web, and only got here just now to work.

— I normally would point out that you should have someone edit, but given that one of the points made was that you don't have an editor, I'll redact that suggestion, since the occasional mistakes add to the story's viability as your first one.

— Instead of referring to the narrator as he/she—it looks weird, to be honest, and it's hard to imagine the characters actually saying "he/she"—I would have the characters have a little back-and-forth about the fact that they don't know the narrator's gender, then just settle on using 'they.' You could then potentially have one of the characters say something like, "Oh! It's a guy/girl!" when he shows up. Personal preference on my part, though.

That's all I can think of for now. Hope that helps. Good luck with your next one—this was a pretty good start!

[jack the blu-jay]

AMAZING

[jack the blu-jay]

8137754 I meant

[UniqueSKD]

But the author IS the narrator. If there's no narrator, then this story shouldn't even exist. Your description makes no sense and for that I'm gonna have to take four points from your overall score. I rate this story 5 out of 10. I took an extra point off because Mandopony is still alive and it made me mad.

Other than that, till a better story than 90% of the clopfics written by toddlers on this site. Well done you, author. Keep up the good work.

[UniqueSKD]

8137672

You could then potentially have one of the characters say something like, "Oh! It's a guy/girl!" when HE shows up.

So it's definitely a guy then, Level Dasher?

[Level Dasher]

8137796
... Mah bad.

8137790
There's fourth wall breakage going on here. Authors get narrators from other places all the time when that happens.

[UniqueSKD]

8137907 But that's got to be pretty effing costly, right? Like, I once wrote a story back in school and I wanted to get someone to read t out for me. But they charge a ridiculous amount of money an hour. So where is the logic in hiring narrators from other places when the rates are effed up?

[Level Dasher]

8137929 That's why there's outsourcing.

Sorry, WFF. Some of us are weird.

Some...

[UniqueSKD]

8137938 Sorry are you taking the piss out of me?

[Level Dasher]

8137947 ...

I can't tell if it was intentional, but I legit have no idea what you just meant.

If that was in response to the "we're weird" remark, then you just helped prove my point. Likely intentionally.

And just to clarify, I do include myself in that 'some.'

[King of Madness]

Well, this is a pretty good (not)story and it's a great starting point! It's very unique and well done, though I agree with Level Dasher's ideas. Good job and welcome to family!

[UniqueSKD]

8137968 No, my piss is going somewhere. I needed the loo and now I don't. It's definitely not down my trouser leg so my piss has to have gone SOMEWHERE.

Also I don't mean to be rude here or anything but I need to go away for a bit. I'm having a state of depression right now and I'm afraid I'll say some horrible things about myself in a minute. Things NOBODY wants to hear on a story rated E.

[Level Dasher]

8137978 Happy to have helped?

Alright dude, take your time. Good on ya for knowing when to just chill.

We can take convo elsewhere after this.

[WriterForFun]

8137672 Thanks for the criticism! And I'll try my best!

[WriterForFun]

8137790. Well, my idea was that the autor and the narrator are two separate entities. The autor creates the idea of the story and the narrator... Narrates.

[MarcterChief]

That was a great first shot, lots of witty little jokes in there :)

[UniqueSKD]

8138394 No. Sorry. It's gone way over my head.

[Battlecrank]

Not a bad first story; not bad at all.

Keep it up! You might make it to the heights of the greats someday.

[Skylarking the Stargazer]

Not bad, but...

who was narrating the narrator?

[WriterForFun]

8141578. Actually, the narrator is narrating in third person. Like Trrrrrrrrrixie!