• Member Since 24th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen Apr 19th, 2018

Stella Huntress


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Source

The Changelings have taken over Equestria, and Queen Chrysalis had set up a totalitarian rule. Anypony that tries to rally against her, gets brainwashed into doing her bidding. Unbeknownst to her, there is a growing resistance of ponies that work in the cover of night. There's only one way to dethrone the Queen, in the past.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

The plotline interests me. Now I wonder how you'll continue it. :>

The plot is original, but writing is so-so. You really should get yourself a pre-reader, it will help immensely. Will you really be having them go to Ponyville, because that would make no geological sense? You stated in chapter one that they were pushed to the edge of the country, but Ponyville is in the center of Equestria. It would make more sense if you were to move the location to the town Starlight enslaved.

Having read the first two chapters, I feel like there's a good idea here, but it needs quite a bit of polishing.

The most obvious issue is the grammatical errors, of which there are many. Problems of capitalization, punctuation, spacing, tense, when to use italics, and more are regularly coming up throughout the work so far. I'll echo a comment that someone else made previously and strongly suggest a pre-reader or editor to help you smooth these out. Fixing those will go a long way to improving what's here, which is a good thing; if your initial problems are mostly technical errors, then that means that the underlying idea is solid.

And to be clear, the premise that this story is working off of isn't a bad one. I'm going to assume that this is an isolated pocket of resistance from the "Chrysalis conquers Equestria" alternate future shown in The Cutie Re-Mark (i.e. the season five finale). Presenting that timeline as something that's going to be changed by its inhabitants - rather than something that was created by Starlight's messing with time, and avoided when Twilight stopped her - is a nice twist on the idea (a la the X-Men Days of Future Past storyline). That you're tying in Starlight's history (by having the main characters arrive in Our Town during her rule) gives you a lot of latitude to play with, in terms of messing around with how that universe came to be. So you've laid down a good foundation to build upon.

With regards to the story's actual presentation - that is, the presentation of information, pacing, plot structure, etc. - what you have here isn't bad, but there's room for improvement. You're doing a credible job of making the plot advance in a manner that feels logical, given what we're told; this is no idle feat, as a lot of new writers have a hard time with this. By having the characters act in a manner that seems plausible for the situations they're in, you're making a good start.

The flipside to this is the characterization, which is coming off as rather flat. The characters have essentially just escaped from a war zone, thrown back in time with very little guidance or direction, and yet they're incredibly competent, with no issues of disorientation or confusion or even planning as to what they should do now. They're apparently reacting how they are because that's what they're supposed to do; I understand that we're intended to think of them as soldiers who are reacting the way soldiers would, but we're not being shown enough of the decision-making process, and that's a very important part of understanding who they are and why they're doing what they do.

Another issue is Liza's internal dialogue, which sounds stilted. Things like:

“So how’d I do?” I questioned to see how my very first solo mission went.

...sound horribly wooden. First person narration, when used to talk about themselves, should make it about what they're thinking and/or feeling. I'd change that sentence to something like:

"So? How'd I do?" I tried not to grin as I asked him, sure that he'd say I'd been flawless.

As it stands right now, this problem is probably the biggest one (after grammatical issues) that the story is laboring under. There's a lot of narration that either doesn't need to be there, since it's not helping to establish the world as seen through Liza's eyes, or needs to be more directly colored by her perceptions. Your expository dialogue isn't bad, but for more active scenes this problem tends to rear its head quite often.

Overall, I'd say that you still have a ways to go with this, but you definitely have the potential to get there. For now, find a pre-reader and keep polishing your technique. I'd recommend the old trick of - once you've written a chapter - read it out loud to yourself. That will help you compare what you think you've written to what's actually on the page (and trust me, those are often not the same thing) and more importantly will help you hear how your writing, both spoken dialogue and narration, sounds to everyone reading it.

Good luck, and keep on writing! :twilightsmile:

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