Trapped forever in the pages of a storybook.
Warning: Mild Language and Blood
Celestia is alone. The Crystal Empire is gone, her sister is gone and with her the Elements of Harmony. Frightened, alone and scared for the future of Equestria, Celestia attempts to bring her beloved sister back. Even if it means sacrificing the trust of her teacher and even the loss of her life.
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I am... very intriqued
I'm with FE on this one. I am ... very intrigued.
this is pretty good/
very interesting story, Will we see more of it or is it done?
8078625 Its done. forgot to change the status. im interested in doing an epilogue but thats all. wish people would comment more so i know what they like and didnt like since its a new take for me. helps improve writing and such and clear up misunderstandings if there are any.
I can't be of much help with the 'technical' aspect of writing, but I must say I really enjoyed it. Even though what kept the tension was the mystery surrounding the spell, which was kind of spoiled with the title and image, you managed to keep the story flowing.
8086888 Glad you enjoyed it but the spell? I'm assuming you thought she was using a meta-morphing spell or something but lol everything actually went wrong if you caught that part. she was trying to bring her sister back yeah but not in a sense that they'll be one.
8088084
As in the result, not the intent. But yeah, I was confused for a bit.
Although I like the premise for this story, I've reluctantly got to give this a downvote. I went into this wanting to like this, but I just couldn't get past the grammar. There are things like a lack of commas where they ought to be and sentences that aren't complete, as well as a typo or an awkward-sounding phrase here and there. These things may not be that bad on their own, but combined, they are very noticeable. The result was that I was distracted from the story, and I spent as much time trying to determine how a sentence was supposed to be read as I did actually reading.
8144527 May you show me a few examples?
8144527
Same. I went through the entire thing on this. I've had this on my to-read for ages because I liked the premise and was rather disappointed and incredibly distracted throughout it.
This is everything I could find and suggestions for fixes, so this is going to be one of those comments that most readers hate.
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The opening line could be split from a comma spliced, run-on sentence into two lines:
Into (or something like it):
Other errors/suggested rephrasings:
"Shall" should be "should".
Either "lit her horn" or "with a yellow aura". It doesn't read quite right - it's a bit wordy with the current phrasing.
This would be better as "Seeing this, Celestia moved her horn, causing a beam of light to follow its direction."
This is read a bit redundant to my head? It might be correct, but glowing strongly has swelled in brightness? Maybe something about... glowing strongly before intensifying? "newly-made star glowed strongly before intensifying", for example.
"She heard a few locks click and after a brief pause, the double doors opened slowly to expose room, creaking softly before stopping." (I went with "creaking softly" because you want to give more description to the soundtrack in one's head as they're reading.)
Change the period to a semi-colon (;) and drop the case on "paper".
This. Reads weirdly? (I say as I use Internet-based grammar.) Personally, I'd write it as "With or without the Elements' help." to give it a sense of finality.
". . . room, unraveling the scrolls and taking one last look at them . . ."
Typos:
- Forced
- Wounds
- Grievous (took me ages to get this right)
- Her eyes. Unless you want to change the pronoun prior to "its head".
- Unnecessary period? Unnecessary extra words?
- Missing a comma. "Most of the time, if not always,"
- Again, missing a comma since you're listing items. "studies, books, and handiwork".
- You either need to add a comma or remove the comma. "Celestia, however, thanked" if you want to add it.
- Change the period to a comma and drop the case on "causing".
- Needs a comma to split this.
- Split this with a semi-colon.
- This reads like a name, it should have a comma to split the descriptor away from the name. "Smiling, Celestia took".
- "arranged". Also needs a comma before "but".
- Case on "Elements".
9488727
Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. The comment you responded too never got back to me as to what I could improve on which I find to be poor criticism. Criticism isn't constructive if no one is willing to offer improvements. Note that this is a pretty old story and thankfully, my grammar and sentence structure has improved since then. It will be a while before I will bother to get back to it however. Thank you very much for the comment, truly.