Together

by Alfoals Trottenbauer

IV - Awakening

They trotted toward another missing piece in the world. This time, things were different. To the farthermost side was a glass door. Naturally, they trotted towards the door. Ace used his horn to turn the knob, it was a very archaic door, round and flat. It seemed almost from the human-era. Ace stepped into the door.

Comments

[Huk]

OK, here is some (hopefully) constructive criticism and tips:

1. Start by reading this: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide - I know it's long but trust me, it's worth it.

2. I would suggest making your chapters longer - IMHO this story as well as "Alone" and "Illusion" should probably be chapters of the single story, instead of standalone stories themselves - it would make things a bit easier to read (this is not a critical problem but still...)

3. 'Show not tell' - this is explained in the guide from AD1, but the general idea is that - instead of writing something like this:

"You mean you're not phased by this?" She asked, shocked.

You write how Twilight would behave being shocked:

Staring at the scene before her, Twilight's eyes widen in horror, and her heart started beating faster. "You mean you're not phased by this?" she asked with trembling voice.

Please note - I'm a rather crappy 'writer' myself, so the above is not the greatest example of showing - still I think you should get a general idea.

4. Try mixing or replacing said tags with action tags - again see the guide for explanations and examples but my above 'showing' example actually uses a few. I find stories that have a good mix of said and action tags a lot easier and more enjoyable to read.

5. Try to use some more vivid and longer descriptions of locations and environment - however, don't overdo it either, you have to find the right balance.

OK, that's it for now - I hope you will find the above useful

[Alfoals Trottenbauer]

8018906 Thank you for the criticism, I guess.

[Huk]

8026070

I have a feeling that my remarks might have been discouraging - if that's so then that wasn't my intention, the last thing I want to do is discourage somebody from writing.

This is just a collection of tips you can use to improve your future work - I sincerely hope you will find at least some of it useful.

Bottom line - don't get discouraged, keep writing and improving

[Alfoals Trottenbauer]

8026949 Ok.