• Member Since 27th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen September 12th

BurningBright


T

Not every Stable was made to hold ponies. From the depths of Stable 204 between Whitetail woods and Vanhoover. Whiteberry , and her best friend Fern are sent out into the wastes.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 4 )

"War. War never changed"

Little irritated that I am immediately disinterested with this story with these following clich├ęd words being the introduction to what could be an interesting adventure. This isn't even the most eye burning part either. Following suit with those notoriously overused four words, you decide to give a rehashment of the background behind the Canon, original Fallout: Equestria story, which is yet another major cliche that isn't needed. If I wanted to know how the war came to be, I would go to the canon source, not read this. You should be giving an introduction about your own story, not someone else's.

Other than that, there's the issue with the major amount of grammatical, capitalization, punctual, and spelling errors. You should grab an editor to fix that.

I feel no connection with the main character. Personally it feels like Littlepip 2.0, Deer version. It's extremely off putting and dull, cause it just feels like a revamped, beloved character of the original story.

Also, "The Cleaner" isn't an eye catching title of a foe sidestory. Personal preference, maybe, but it doesnt look like there was any creativity put there.

Comment posted by BurningBright deleted Dec 7th, 2016

7777983 You do make some good points , gonna start work on the redraft now that the word count is a lil higher.

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