The great Ponyville snowball war.

by The wandering commenter

The battle

---- In the noblebrightness of the present, there is only snowball fights.----

The Cutie Mark Crusaders and Rumble were hunched behind their snow fort. They'd been in battle with Princess Twilight for what seemed like hours now, and their snowball supplies were running dangerously low. Snowball after snowball flew over their heads as Twilight, who had somehow turned evil, threw countless numbers of them incessantly, almost never giving them a chance to return fire. Twilight's eyes had turned a dark purple, glowing brightly in the light. As a pair of ponies walked past behind her, Twilight whipped around and pelted them with snowballs until they ran away screaming.

"Incoming!" shouted Apple Bloom as another wave of snowballs pelted there position. Sweetie Belle used her magic and threw five snowballs back. The others threw a snowball each.

"Muhahah! You call that snowball fighting? " gloated Twilight Sparkle as she threw a massive snowball at the wall.

"One more hit like that and we are done for!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle.

"Scootaloo, if this is really the end, I need to tell you something." said Rumble quickly in between throwing snowballs and ducking for cover.

"What is it Rumble?" asked Scootaloo.

"Well, I really like you and I think you are really cool!" Rumble blurted out.

"You really think that?" Scootaloo said and blushed as more snowballs came in.

"Yeah! I've seen the stunts on that scooter that you do, there awesome!" said Rumble.

"Heh, thanks." Scootaloo blushed and smiled. Rumble smiled back and held her hoof. Rumble leaned in gave her a wing hug.

"So. Do you want to do that thing that grownups do?" Rumble asked her.

"You mean kiss?" Scootaloo responded.

"Yeah, you silly filly." Rumble blushed and leaned in for a kiss. Scootaloo was doing the same.

As they were about to kiss for the first time, tragedy struck.

"Ahhhh!" Sweetie Belle yelled. She was hit by a snowball.

"Sweetie!" Apple Bloom yelled. "You're going to be ok. You can't die on me!"

"I'm sorry." Sweetie Belle coughed out. "Keep on fighting you can't have Twilight win!" uttered Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle then lit up her horn for one last time and then just laid there in the snow.

"Sweetie belle? Sweetie Belle!? Sweetie Belle!!" Yelled Scootaloo. But alas, Sweetie Belle was dead. Or at least she was pretending to be dead.

Things went from bad to worse when Twilight smashed open the wall with a massive snowball. She had another snowball right over there heads. "Any last words?" asked Twilight in a mocking tone of voice.

"Yes!" exclaimed Rumble. "I love Scootaloo!" Rumble said and kissed Scootaloo. Scootaloo blushed and held Rumble.

"Aww, how cute!" commented Twilight breaking her evil character for just a minute. "But it's not going to save you." Twilight mocked.
"None can save you now! Muahahah!" exclaimed Twilight.

"I wouldn't say that, my student." called a voice from the sky.

"Prepare thyself for snowball animation Twilight Sparkle!" exclaimed another voice.

It was Luna and Celestia coming out of the sky! They rained snowballs upon the evil Twilight.

"Ah!" Twilight yelped. "I surrender!" Twilight said while flying a white flag.

"Well, good game Twilight!" said a no longer dead Sweetie Belle as she hoof shook Twilight.

"That's great and everything but how in Equestria did you know we were in trouble Princesses?" asked a inquisitive Apple Bloom.

"I think your once dead friend contacted me via magic messaging." responded Celestia.

"Something about snowball soldiers needing help." continued Luna.

"Well, I think that we all need some hot chocolate." stated Twilight. " My treat, after all you did just win the snowball war." Twilight offered with a smile. "All in favor, say aye."

"Aye!" said everyone.

---

Back in the castle, everyone was having hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and whipped cream.

"So, pray tell sister, did thou and Twilight do this during my banishment?" asked Luna.

"Yes, we did this every winter." Celestia told her sister. " I always pretended to turn evil and she always beat me." Celestia continued.
"Then we always had hot chocolate to celebrate her victory."

"Well, I'm glad to see that I could be apart of this tradition" stated Luna.

"And I'm glad to keep the tradition going." said Twilight with pride. She then pulled the two other alicorns in for a hug.

"So, Rumble, did you mean what you said back on the battlefield?" asked Scootaloo.

Rumble blushed and said "Yep. I love you." Rumble said and drank his hot chocolate.

Scootaloo giggled and said "Well, I love you too. But you got whipped cream on your nose."

Rumbled then blushed even harder and tried to lick off the whipped cream.

This just made Scootaloo giggle harder. "Your a silly filly." Stated Scootaloo.

"Not as much as you." Rumble responded. He took a bit of whipped cream from his nose and put it on his hoof. He then proceeded to boop Scootaloo with the whipped cream hoof.

This made the new found couple both laugh and smile as they both tried eating the whipped cream from each others noses.

"So, you like my stunts right?" asked Scootaloo.

"Yep!" Responded Rumble.

"Then let me tell you about the time I was shot out of a cannon to eat a cake." Scootaloo started to tell the story of a crazy thing that happened to her on her best day ever while pulling her new coltfriend in for wing hug.

"Those two are perfect for each other." stated Luna with a smile.

"Yep." stated Twilight. "I wonder who helped with that?" She said as she glanced off to the direction of the Crystal Empire.

---

Cadence watched as via a love magic orb as the new couple was giggling at each other.

"Yes!" Exclaimed an excited Cadence. "Another couple made! Just as planned!"

"Now, to get that marshmallow one a boyfriend with that video game playing one." Cadence cackled and schemed.

Comments

[Red Does Reviewing]

you know how there are Crack fics these are more like Speed-fics I read a paragraph and had to stop and comprehend what ive read cause it goes by so fast. its just point to point then done.
Unfortunately not the best way to right a story.

[The wandering commenter]

7742610

I meant for it to have a fast pace, it was a snowball fight after all.

But thanks for the criticism, was there something you liked or disliked in particular?

[The Abyss]

Since you reviewed my story, I'll do the same.

All in all, the story was rushed. You tried to fit in comedy and romance all in 1k words, something that you didn't really quite accomplish. The story didn't read like a comedy, nor did it read like a romance fic, so I was left feeling a little cheated. I suggest removing the Random, Comedy, and Romance tags due to this reason. Slice of Life is perfect for this little oneshot. While there might be a couple of funny moments in the story, that doesn't mean you can slap on the Comedy tag; same with the Romance tag. Don't ever use the Random tag, as people avoid stories that use that like the plague.

There was a lot of telling, misspellings, and an incomplete sentence or two. In the beginning, you just tell us that Twilight is evil, and then move on to the next sentence without really explaining why she was evil. I highly suggest that you read up on the writing guide here on fimfiction, found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue, as this little part would help your writing out in a significant way.

Also, finding a cover art would help your story get a lot more views, as I've found that people will just ignore stories without art. So long as you ask and/or give credit to whoever's art you use, you can use whatever you want.

As for your description, you tell us the entire story, so what would make a reader want to read it? You have to bait the reader; catch their eye to make them want to read the story, you know?

I'll help you out with the first paragraph.

The CMC and Rumble where behind a snow wall.

Unless it's in dialogue, never abbreviate anything. Instead of where, you should use were.

Protecting themselves from an onslaught of snowballs thrown by the evil snowball queen, Twilight Sparkle.

This is an incomplete sentence.

She was corrupted and turned evil and now she wants to pelt everyone in ponyville with snow.

In the first half of this sentence, you wrote in past tense, which is what you should be writing in, but then you switch to the present tense in the second half of the sentence. Never do that. Ever. You also did not capitalize the P in Ponyville. Locations always have the first letter of their name capitalized.

So with that in mind, your first paragraph should look something like this, and feel free to use it.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders and Rumble were hunched behind their snow fort. They'd been in battle with Princess Twilight for what seemed like hours now, and their snowball supplies were running dangerously low. Snowball after snowball flew over their heads as Twilight, who had somehow turned evil, threw countless numbers of them incessantly, almost never giving them a chance to return fire. Twilight's eyes had turned a dark purple, glowing brightly in the light. As a pair of ponies walked past behind her, Twilight whipped around and pelted them with snowballs until they ran away screaming.

[The wandering commenter]

7746574

Thank you for the review and your criticism. Thank you, I will use your first paragraph.

Might I ask, was there any particular part or area of the story that you liked or disliked the most?

[The Abyss]

7746701 Nothing really stood out to me in either regard.

[The wandering commenter]

7746733

One last question, was your overall experience with the fiction: positive, negative or, neutral?

[BronyDad]

Alright, this was pretty darn cute, and you got a chuckle out of me when Luna and Celly showed up and pelted Twilight, but I really wished you had taken the time to flesh this out. The POV was all over the place and as a result we got absolutely zero insight on anyone's emotions. Which sucks because this should have been a big emotional moment for Scoots and Rumble.

The two things that really drove me nuts are:

1. You capitalized words after dialogue.

"Incoming!" Shouted Apple Bloom as another wave of snowballs pelted there position.

This is all one sentence. The exclamation mark shows us that she is shouting, it doesn't end the sentence. So *shouted* should be lowercase. If the sentence would have been: *"Incoming!" The four foals covered their heads as another wave of snowballs pelted their position.*, then that would be two separate sentences and *The* should be capitalized. I hope this makes sense to you.

2. You use the word *there* a lot, and it is wrong about 90% of the time. This is exceptionally frustrating to me because all you have to do is slow down and read over it again to catch these type of mistakes.

So, overall I found it cute, but wished it was longer. I'll now give it a like for effort, and move on to other things. Happy reading/writing!

[The wandering commenter]

7753835 Thank you for the criticism.

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it.

I will edit it a bit to fix the issues you addressed.

[BronyDad]

7753868
One other thing I forgot to mention. I agree with The Abyss, you need cover art. Even something as simple as a pic of some snowballs. Anything to make it stand out. It really does help readers find you.

[The wandering commenter]

7753880
I will try to find some, but the search is not going well right now.

[Bronycommander]

Words cannot explain how much i love this!

[The wandering commenter]

7754894

Aww thanks!