The AfterParty

Pinkie Pie, a former employee to Sugar Cube Corner, flips through the memories belonging to a life she once had, and a life yet to come.

RealityPublishing presents, "The AfterParty", a fiction representing a recurring metaphor in our relevant lives.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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Wiggidy

Wiggidy #1 · Oct 29th, 2016 · · · The AfterParty ·

Well, the first thing to note is that there are a few grammatical issues. Most importantly, you shouldn't use a comma to end your sentences before dialogue starts up.

That aside, I'm not quite sure what you're going for here. Is Pinkie supposed to be regretful over the decisions she'd made in her past, or is she mourning over the fact that she and her friends have (and I'm just guessing here) grown apart over the years? Is there some part here that I haven't really seen that is supposed to expand on what is causing Pinkie to feel this way? The main problem that I have is that I don't see the cause for this effect. The only two major pieces of information I have for this are Rainbow leaving, and Pinkie quitting her job at Sugarcube Corner, but those don't seem to be things that would have such a profound influence on her. I'm also not sure if this a traditional-but-depressed Pinkie, or if this is the more unhinged Pinkamena, because there are some instances of both personality types in this story, and that really messes with my sense of continuity here.

Either way, it's a good attempt at a sad Pinkie, but it could use a bit of expansion and editing. I like the concept of it, but the backstory wasn't quite as fleshed out as it might need to be to make this situation believable. Commendable effort, though.

Pinkie Pie is Dumb

Pinkie Pie is Dumb #2 · Oct 29th, 2016 · · · The AfterParty ·

As Wiggidy said, you should not use a comma to end a sentence when dialogue starts up. Just wanted to hammer that home for ya.

Anyways, others things I found were this:

“There’s always another time, isn’t there?” Pinkie sighed, grabbing a broom that leaned against the casher’s counter.

Cashier, not "casher."

These next two quotes show another problem I have with the story:

Pinkie Pie, though hurt, hardly knew Rainbow; there wasn’t a time to judge.
“It’s a cookie!” She growled, “I’ll bake you into a cupcake. . .”

“Just eat it. You’ll like it, trust me,” she winked, giving up the bag.

What is the deal, Lucille? Which Pinkie Pie is this? Cheery or psycho?

Other problems I noticed were formatting. Do not get it twisted, it is great that you indented your paragraphs. But the format came off as funky for me. Try to use a proper amount of space when starting up dialogue. Allow me to set an example:

The next morning, Pinkie opened the shop, and to her surprise, met the colt from the day before.
“Oh, There you are! I was just wondering if you had anymore of those cookies!” The colt gleamed.
Pinkie checked behind her.
“Yeah, I’ve still got them.”
The colt grinned.
“Great, I’ll take three! I want to share a few with my friends; these cookies have an amazing aftertaste!”

That is better formatting than what has been shown in the story.

All in all, a below-average story. Its only saving grace is that Pinkie Pie is in distress. I will put this story on my neutral list.

RealityPublishing

RealityPublishing #3 · Oct 29th, 2016 · · · Author's Epilogue ·

7680102 Good catch on the "cashier", I'm afraid I didn't see that one! Always good to have another set of eyes. As for the interpretation of Pinkie's sanity, there isn't one. As I believe I mentioned in the summary, (and the Author's Epilogue. I made sure to include it everywhere) the story is a metaphor, a mere interpretation of situation. 7679805 Pinkie is nothing more than a place holder, and while I could've chosen Rarity, Pinkie Pie's overall character seemed to have more of a "follower attribute" that suited the story nicely. So to wrap that one in short, Pinkie Pie's appearance and involvement was just a better way to speed the visualization and help satisfy FiMFiction's strict, "Relevancy Laws". I feel as though the readers of this site's fictions are so indelved in their own head-canon that they can't see characters as just that: characters. It's almost as though each reader expects an already established personality that sets the story's heading into motion, rendering the fiction's goal useless for any other purpose than satisfying for yet another, "Psychotic Twilight Rides the Bus" fiction.

As for the format of the story, I appreciate you calling me out on the "comma mishap". I never realized it was actually incorrect; and after overlooking some printed pieces of literature, i realized I was living a lie. So I thank you for that. Unfortunately, I cannot take your second piece of advise to heart. Though you may not have recognized it, I write all of my fictions in a "Novelist" style, or rather, the format many printed books have been modeled after. I understand your presented format is easier to read, but I often find double spacing a cheap way to make the paper seem longer. I'm sure double spacing is written somewhere in the "Universal Guide to Writing Fanfictions", but I'll just have to go against the grain on this one.

Thank you for your criticism! It really helps future production!

-RealityPublishing

Pinkie Pie is Dumb