Chapter Four
A shadow loomed over Equestria. The sun seemed to go out, but it was actually a precursor ship getting in the way, a ship two miles in length and shaped like a black gothic tuning fork.
"I regret everything." Spring Morning said quietly, her tail between her legs.
"That ship... it's bigger than I thought it would be!" Twilight said.
"Oh s***." Mark whispered, pulling a pair of assault rifles out of his head. He faked a grin. "Think they're compensating for something?"
"Like what?"
"Tiny ****s." Mark laughed.
"Why are you thinking of ****s at a time like this?" Twilight asked as a slot on the ship opened up, firing two shots to the earth.
"Because mine is huge!" Mark yelled, putting his hands to his head and beginning to craft a very large weapon. It looked like the internals of a car, and when the outer shell of a Jag formed over it, it became clear that it was a car. He spread his arms out and formed five more cars, and he used earth magic to form ramps in front of each one.
He pulled his foot up and charged his magic, then stamped down, his magic flooring it inside each car, sending them up the ramps and into the descending shots.
Most missed, but one flew right into the falling shot, and another hit its mark as well. "F*** yeah!" Mark shouted as Twilight gasped.
"Language!" Twilight said.
"Sorry, grandma." Mark said sarcastically, charging magic into his dubstep shirt and shooting a beam of wubs at the falling wreckage, disintegrating it all.
"Wait... is that it?"
"No." A man's voice said behind Mark, and he was punched in the back through multiple buildings.
Twilight and Spring gasped as they saw a human, one with green hair and a black cloak over a white suit. His eyes were gold, and he looked down at the ponies like they were nothing more than dirt. "You might have taken out two mechs with that trick, but I'm far stronger than a mech. Now, horses... are you ready to be broken?"
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- CasperSantiq · 5.8k words · 35 7 · 1.3k views
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Does this new format look better?
7644867 Looks pretty good.
PS, I assume this is just a portion of a new(hopefully almost complete) chapter?
7644868 I like to keep my chapters short and end them whenever something big goes down. Feel free to imagine the Roundabout "To be continued" meme on it.
Yo
This was awful.
Your self-insert Mary Sue is unlikable and the attempts at garnering sympathy fall flatter than a 2x4.
The plot is stale and seems to be driven by little more than wish fulfillment and power fantasy.
The dialogue is bland.
The pacing is awful.
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I honestly don't know how to improve this without scrapping the entire thing. There are editors on this site that may have a chance at fixing this, but that's on you. All I can do is leave my down-vote.
This... This is abhorrent. How did the admins even approve this? I'm not sure which is more frightening, your bland Mary sue of a self insert or the fact that 24 people liked this... Eldritch lovecraftian horror!
So this is awesome and he made the purple dildo sword from Saint rows I think it's three I'm not sure I have not played the game
cool story bro.
oh my fcking god look at the viewies
Love it! More please!