Wish Upon A Shooting Stallion

by Jet Cannon

Chapter 1: Air-To-Surface Pony

It was a beautiful summer’s day in Ponyville, and the town’s resident ponies were all out-and-about having fun in the light of Celestia’s Sun. In the park sat Twilight Sparkle and her friends Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, and they were all having a picnic.

“I say girls,” said Rarity, after taking a dainty bite from a piece of cake and wiping away any crumbs from around her muzzle, “I’ve heard that Equestria’s Midsummer’s Night Ball is coming to Ponyville this year!”

“PARTY!” screamed Pinkie Pie, who drew a cane, pinstriped suit and false moustache from nowhere before embarking upon an impromptu tap dance on the spot.

“Ah don’t really think it’s gonna be that sorta party, Pinkie,” said Applejack, who was at that moment lying on her back with her front hooves crossed behind her head, her hat over her face, with a blade of grass in the corner of her mouth. “It’s more fancy types’n’such, like the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“Aw!” said Pinkie with visible disappointment, as the cane fell to the ground and the moustache drooped at one side.

“Oh but Applejack,” said Fluttershy, “I don’t think it’s quite like the Gala. I mean, at least, I’ve heard that it’s less formal and more fun…”

“Yay!” The tap dance was resumed.

“Don’t get your hopes up, Pinkie,” cut in Twilight Sparkle. “This year’s Ball has an emphasis on couples, so-”

“Well that’s no problem!” Pinkie finally discarded her silly outfit, before sitting down next to Twilight and confidently saying: “All I have to do is find my special somepony, and then I can go to the Ball and PARTY!”

“And just how close are you to finding your special somepony?” Twilight’s question brought a frown to Pinkie Pie’s face, and she brought a hoof to her chin for a moment as she thought for a moment.

“I have no idea!” she said happily. Everyone else sighed.

“Pinkie Pie, darling, it’s not quite as simple as that.” Rarity stood up on her hind legs and motioned with her forelegs as she described what she meant.

“You have to find someone really special to be your special somepony! It can’t just be anypony off the street!” She clasped her hooves together and stared off into the distance with a dreamy expression on her face.

“A dashing stallion: dark and handsome, who is in every way the gentleman! Oh! And of course he would have to be sophisticated and refined, and have an appreciation for fashion.” Rousing herself from her fantasy with a slight blush, Rarity conceded that:

“Of course, that would be my idea of a special somepony. What about you, Pinkie? What would you look for in a boy?”

“Hmm, good question.” Pinkie thought for a moment, before standing up and hopping around in her normal fashion.

“Well, he’d have to LOVE parties of course! He’d be fun, funny, and always up for a practical joke or twelve! If he was like that, he’d be−”

“Exhausted, most likely!” Applejack sat up and Pinkie bounced over, saying:

“How about you, AJ?”

“Well now, let’s see: he’d have to be a big, strong, hard-workin’ kinda pony, the kind that ain’t afraid to get his hooves dirty if it gets the job done!”

“Kind of like Big Macintosh?” asked Twilight. Applejack considered.

“Yeah, I suppose kinda like Big Macintosh. Just not Big Macintosh, obviously. OK, Twi, your turn.”

“I think I’d want him to be smart enough to have an in-depth conversation about something, and preferably he’d be well-read and studious as well.”

“All of those things sound very nice,” said Fluttershy, “but as far as I’m concerned, all I’d want is for somepony who’s kind and caring, and who liked animals almost as much as I do.”

“Then that just leaves…” Pinkie began, and they all turned to Rainbow Dash, who wasn’t sure at first what they were looking at.

“Me?” They all nodded. “Oh come on! You guys know I don’t do that sappy stuff!”

“Rainbow Dash, darling,” tutted Rarity. “Everyone has their preferences when it comes to love, even the tough ones.”

“You know, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight prompted, “it takes real bravery and strength to admit to yourself that you actually like somepony, and even more to then admit it to them.”

“It does?” Rainbow Dash was not convinced.

“It sure does!” Applejack joined in. “Besides, we’ve all said ours.”

“Come on, Rainbow Dash!” they all joined in.

“All right, all right, I’ll think about it already!” She crossed her forelegs in front of her with a frown, and then she too brought a hoof to her chin to think.

“I guess,” she said after a few minutes, “if I was to like somepony, and only if, then he’d have to be really awesome! He’d have to try and keep up with me, for one thing, so he’d probably have to be a Pegasus pony too. And sweet moves would be necessary, of course−”

Rainbow Dash was cut off suddenly as an explosion of light burst far away in the sky and began spreading rainbow colours for many miles in all directions, followed by a rainbow which began to arc across the sky. Ponies all around Ponyville stopped what they were doing and gazed up at the sky.

“R-Rainbow Dash!” said Fluttershy. “Isn’t that−”

“Sweet moves!” Rainbow Dash hadn’t heard a word, she was too excited. “That’s a Sonic Rainboom! I’ve gotta meet this pony! Or, you know, whoever did it!” She was about to take off, but then Pinkie stopped her, saying:

“Whoa! Hold on Rainbow Dash, my Pinkie sense is going off like crazy!” Sure enough when they all looked her tail was twitching, like crazy.

“Something’s going to fall!” Rarity cried, and they all covered their heads and looked to the skies above them. Several seconds passed and nothing happened.

“Pinkie is your tail still twitching?” asked Twilight nervously.

“Yup, sure is.” They kept looking up, but nothing made itself obvious.

“Hey you guys, is it just me,” asked Rainbow Dash after a pause, “or is the rainbow coming towards us?”
As they looked towards the Rainboom’s rainbow they saw a dark shape at its tip, which rapidly grew in size as they watched.

“Look out!” squealed Fluttershy, and everyone jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being crashed into as the shape slammed into the ground with a yell.

As the dust began to clear they heard muffled groans and grunts, and before long a recognisable form was revealed to them.

“It is a pony!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“A Pegasus pony!” Rainbow Dash added, before admitting to herself “Well, duh.” and hoping that none of her friends had heard her.

“A really big, stallion pony!” was Applejack’s analysis, as she could see he was at least as big as her older brother. He had a shiny black coat, partly covered at each side by his saddlebags, and a flowing tail of striped gold and silver, and adorning his flank was:

“He doesn’t have a cutie mark?!” cried Twilight. This was perhaps even more surprising than his unusual method of entry.

“Never mind that, Twilight, look!” cried Rarity, indicating towards his forequarters. “He’s stuck!” His head was indeed embedded in the ground, and the grunts and groans accompanied his efforts to free himself.

“Dash, c’mere and help me pull him out.” Applejack and Rainbow Dash both grasped his hindquarters and pulled, with Rainbow Dash flapping her wings to help, but to no avail. The stallion then stuck his foreleg into the air, as if to say “I’ve had an idea!”, and motioned them away. A second later the earth around his head exploded in a red flash and he was free.

“He’s not a Pegasus pony,” Twilight realised. “He’s an alicorn!” The horn on his head was still glowing red, but it soon faded back to black.

“Never mind that, Twilight, look!” Rarity now indicated that Twilight should look lower as the pony shook out his mane. “He’s gorgeous!” The six friends stared open-mouthed at his proud head, crowned with the mane of silver and gold, his handsome face and his deep amber eyes. He was not as large as either Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, but he was certainly one of the largest, and most well-built, stallions any of the friends could remember seeing.

“Phew!” He smiled at them all. “That could have gone better!” He noticed their expressions and asked, in concern: “What are you all looking at? Do I have something on me?” He turned his head to look around himself and inhaled suddenly, his eyes wide and teeth clenched.

“Ah! Neck!” he groaned through gritted teeth, followed swiftly by: “Ah! Leg!”, “Ah! Wing!” and “Ah! Everywhere!” after which he collapsed in a groaning heap on the ground.

“Well I guess that’s not surprising. I mean, he did just crash face-first into the ground at high speed.”

“Spike!” Twilight and the others were all momentarily distracted by the baby dragon’s sudden appearance.

“When did you get here?”

“Well, just now really. I brought those muffins you asked for!” and he held out a basket containing the aforementioned baked items, which did look delicious, but Twilight just said:

“Thanks Spike, but we can’t have them just now.” Then she and her pony friends all gathered around the mysterious handsome pony and started fussing over him.

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike shook his head. “Oh boy, this is gonna be trouble..."

Comments

[Viper9172]

From the desc it seems kinda....Gary/Mary Stu-ish.

[Jonny5300394]

The description made him sound very Gary Stu like. So I gave it a read over. About half the page in and he pulls off a sonic rainboom.

Really?

And they all fell for him immediately. This "story," if I can deign to call it that, reeks of wish fulfillment.

If you still want to keep writing this, I recommend and complete and totally remake. After a complete and total reevaluation of this alicorn character.

And a few other things.

[Dark Lightning]

images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110628233344/icarly/images/2/29/THIS.gif
And from your description, your character is WAS Gary Stuish, just saying.

[Patient X]

Please take this test. The test consists of several categories of traits an OC exhibits.

[LadyGrey]

I'm afraid i have to agree with the others.... i smell a gary stu....

[Jet Cannon]

Okie dokies, you all make the (very valid) point of saying it sounds very Gary Stu. With this in mind, I was considering writing something in the description, and seeing the feedback so far I may just go do that. Please trust me, this is intentional, but will only go so far.

He is meant to seem a bit "too" perfect, and this will begin to play a part as the story proceeds. Just give me a chance, and I will attempt to alleviate some of your doubts.

As to Jonny5300394's comment (don't know how to actually reply to that properly yet, I'll go find out), I was kind of going for a reversal of the "guy/guys see hot chick, jaw drops to floor" type of image. They are yet to actually fall for him, if that happens at all.

[Jet Cannon]

814147 Woot! Figured out replying! Okay, onto business:

In actual fact, I had been playing around with a few ideas in my head for a while, which could make it darker and (hopefully) better. Although, in all honesty, it wasn't initially going to be, as you may have feared, a "Gary Stu does awesome stuff and everypony falls for him", upon reading your advice I think I shall alter some fairly major aspects of the story. With any luck this new direction will impress you more. Hopefully.

[Featherprop]

You know... if you leave the story at THIS, and remove any reference to the character being a self-insert, and clean up the end with perhaps some tension between the main characters... this is kinda funny, it's a good first three-quarters of a one-shot. It's an obvious one and a facepalmer, but maybe you could have this dude be interested in Big Mac, to the chagrin of the Main Six.

An upvote for ya because I liked the way it headed to an obvious comedic conflict at the end!

[Jet Cannon]

2275913 Hmm, maybe... (If only there was some sort of "thinking" emote, it would go perfectly here! )
To be perfectly honest, despite my protestations in previous comments, this really was heading towards a pretty Gary Stu-type story, I was just in denial at the time.
Interestingly enough, I have actually considered reusing the bulk of this chapter, without changing all that much (even the Gary Stu-ness), in another story. But here's the thing: this time the girls' inexplicable desire for him would have a much darker cause, and he's actually not who he appears to be at all, but some type of evil monster come to...eat their souls, or something? I dunno about that yet, but Spike would play a large role, would maybe even be the protagonist, as he tries to save them from this thing.
Whilst it would probably be a long one-shot, it is still rather on the back burner for the moment. If I do get round to doing it, I'll try and remember to let you know!
And I apologise for the experience of reading the first piece of drivel I posted up here, you have more guts than I do.

[Featherprop]

2276248

It's always easier to see your errors when you've let something sit for a while, so no surprise that you'd change your mind on that. I know stuff I set aside for a month or so looks awful to me when I come back around to it.

Sounds like you have some interesting ideas about how to use this concept, there's some danger and an interesting role for Spike in there if you can develop it.

And dude, this really wasn't bad. Keep in mind I read it without really going over your description, so my opinion is just based on the chapter itself. I saw humor, some intentionally obvious foreshadowing, and in general thought it was quite readable and decent. Being critical is good when you can be objective, but don't be TOO hard on yourself and overlook what you're doing right (or at least not wrong!)

[Jet Cannon]

2276672 I suppose so, the writing of it is at least decent enough. I think.

[Bed Head]

The writing structure and grammar aren't too bad, though the OC is clearly the same overpowered mistake a lot of first-time writers would make. Which is a given seeing as this is such an old project that I'm probably beating a dead horse just commenting on it.

But...

And this is just me throwing out a 1 AM idea, this would be great groundwork for a parody/deconstruction of overpowered OC's in fanfictions.

[Jet Cannon]

6727274 I do have an idea for something which could come from this, a play on the whole idea like you suggest, although my current plan (such as it is) has a bit more of a serious and scary tilt to it. Very much not-even-on-the-back-burner-but-in-the-freezer kind of thing for now, though.

Thanks for commenting your thoughts.