Strange crimes have popped up around Equestria as of late; foalnappings abound, break-ins almost every other night, even outright assaults in clear sight. Yet nopony steps up to help calm this sudden uprise, this sudden rebellion against common sense.
Enter Twilight Sparkle- Equestria's only chance.
(For Pencil_Doodle, the newest winner of The Great Follower Project)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ok, i just finished reading this. And i must say, i am really happy with what you did here, especially with the topic that i gave you.
Not much in the way of editing issues though, i only noticed 3 minor one:
- In chapter 1, during Twilight and Fluttershy's conversation, you typed "Please don't stop", when (in this context) it should have said "Please don't, stop". Note the comma
- In chapter 1 again, during Lyra and Bon Bon's conversation, you made it so that Bon Bon demanded Lyra to go, when it was Bon Bon who walked off. This makes little sense, since if you're demanding someone to leave, the person demanding it has no intention of going anywhere, and wants to stay. It should have been Lyra that walks off, or she at least disobey's, frustrates Bon Bon, and then Bon Bon walks off
- In chapter 3 (i think, it might of been 2) you misspelled "succeeded", you wrote "suceeded"
Those are pretty much the only errors i noticed though. Thank you for doing this, and i hope to see you around
P.s. The avatar and is fine, and in fact, very well fitting
Also, i love the open-ending
926240
Thanks for all the input; I really appreciate it. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png
Intemeresting...
What? Wait? Vigilante? I'm exceptionally confused.
Wait - is that it? I mean, this story's marked complete...
930927>>930943
Care to explain? I'd be happy to help.
931231
Well, maybe I'm crazy, but I thought it would have been something causing this hostile behaviour, but as far as I can see, Twilight becomes a vigilante causing bodily harm (including cracking a skull), then it ended with the pony she rescued remembering her name? I'm probably just stupid, but I'm not sure what the hell happened.
931231
Well, maybe I'm crazy, but I thought it would have been something causing this hostile behaviour, but as far as I can see, Twilight becomes a vigilante causing bodily harm (including cracking a skull), then it ended with the pony she rescued remembering her name? I'm probably just stupid, but I'm not sure what the hell happened.
931231
Well, maybe I'm crazy, but I thought it would have been something causing this hostile behaviour, but as far as I can see, Twilight becomes a vigilante causing bodily harm (including cracking a skull), then it ended with the pony she rescued remembering her name? I'm probably just stupid, but I'm not sure what the hell happened.
931765
What bodily harm Twilight inflicts is totally up to the reader, but the pony at the end isn't the one she rescued. It's actually Choudchaser, who flew off to get the Royal Guard to catch Twilight. She noticed the cutie mark inside her thigh and stopped to ponder if she remembered who it belonged to. The colt she rescued was still trying to get onto the roof.
Hope this helped. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png
Despite the label, this is clearly incomplete. If your only goal was to show why Twilight became a vigilante/superhero, you need to have had her first mission solve the problem presented earlier in the story. As it is, this story is really unsatisfying, as readers have been presented with a setup problem with no conclusion. The narrative in this story is not one that can be left open-ended, despite what others may say. You have not resolved the hook sufficiently, if at all. What should have been the initial incident (Twilight becoming a superhero) is instead written as the climax of the story.
What seems to have happened is that you tried to write a story about why Twilight would become a superhero, but the hook you wrote tells the reader that the story is about why Twilight's friends are acting so strangely.