Something, Something Giant Hat

by Commissar Rarity

Something Something Giant Hat

It was a perfect day in Ponyville, bright and sunny. This was largely because the pegasus cloud workers had received many complaints about the muggy rain that had permeated the last few weeks. The cloud shifts had been halved in response, and as such many pegasi had found themselves with a bit of time on their hands.

And so it was that Rainbow Dash found herself trotting up to the door of the Carousel Boutique, hoof poised, ready to knock on the door. She took in a deep breath, and rapped on the door as rapidly as she could. For the longest time there was no reply. The cerulean mare breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Rarity (far from it), she just didn’t want to put up with the unicorn feeling she had been left out of Dash’s fun times. Now that she had made an effort, small it may be, she could go back to having fun with Pinkie Pie, or something that didn’t involve-

The door burst open and a haggard-looking Rarity stared wide-eyed and unblinkingly at Dash, one large dark blue eye twitching. “Ohhhh, it’s you,” she said. Her mane was disheveled, more so than even Dash’s. “You came just in time darling. I’m about to put the finishing touches on my (hehe) magnum opus.”

“Magnum opus?” Dash asked, raising an eyebrow.

That twitch again. “It’s taken me all week. I haven’t slept. I ran out of food days ago.”

“Er… What have you been eating in the meantime?”

“Opal doesn’t need all her food, silly!” Rarity threw back her head and laughed, glasses falling off the precarious perch of her muzzle and bouncing off the carpet to the cobblestone beneath Dash’s feet. The pegasus picked the glasses up in her mouth, careful not to dirty the glass itself.

“That doesn’t sound too healthy…”

“Doesn’t matter!” The unicorn mare grabbed Dash and dragged her inside. The pegasus was surprised at her friend’s manic strength.

“Rarity, what’s goin’ on? You’re acting really weird.”

“What’s going on? What’s going on? Why only the most spectacular thing that’s happened to fashion in, um, ever. Right here! Right here in Ponyville! Right here in my store, the uh… the... My store!”

“Is this another dress thing?”

“Oh not at all! It’s even more fabulous!” Rarity almost tripped over Opal, who was scurrying off from the room they were now entering. Dash raised a blue hoof to allow the cat to exit.

“More fabulous than dresses?” Dash sounded doubtful. “Count me out th-”

It was at that point Rainbow Dash saw it. It was of course, a ten-foot tall, twenty-foot wide hat, with the widest brim on the planet. She would later reflect on the utter impossibility of it fitting in the Carousel Boutique, but the shock of seeing it rendered her speechless.

“It’s magnifique isn’t it? No, no! It’s not that, I see it now! It’s… stupéfiant!” Rainbow had no idea what that last word meant, but she had to agree with the sentiment behind it. A big hat like that was… something. She didn’t quite know what, but it was something. “I mean look at these feathers! I had to order them special from Griffin Falls! I mean, quetzalcoatl don’t pluck themselves, darling.”

“Rarity…” The sheer absurdity of the thing had just struck Dash like a distracted duck during fall cloudkicking season. “What are you going to do with a giant hat? You can’t wear it.”

“You wouldn’t wear perfection!” The unicorn snapped, outraged at the very concept. “You gaze upon it! Allow its beauty to seep into your mind!” She grabbed Dash’s face, thrusting the other mare towards the towering hat. “Gaze, Rainbow! Seep! This is the type of beauty that comes around only once in a lifetime!”

“I’m gazing and it’s seeping, Rarity. It still seems silly to me.”

“Don’t argue with me, Rainbow! Neither you, or that giant glowing ferret on your shoulder can convince me that this was folly!”

Dash looked over both her shoulders, disappointed to find a lack of ferrets. Turning back to the twitching unicorn, she said, “I really think you need some rest, Rarity. Take it from me, I know a lot about sleep. And all my sleeping experience tells me you need some.”

“Sleep? Sleep! Haha, how can I sleep when Hoity Toity and Fancy Pants are coming all the way from Canterlot to view my masterpiece?”

“When are they coming?”

There was a sudden knock on the door, and two stallions entered, heads peering around for the unicorn.

“Right nooooooooow,” Rarity hissed, head cocked at a painful-looking angle. Her ear twitched.

Hoity Toity and Fancy Pants entered the hat room. Hoity nudged his glasses down the bridge of his nose, and Fancy Pants raised an eyebrow.

“That certainly is… something,” Hoity said, uncertainty in his voice.

“It’s… big,” Fancy Pants described.

“I haven’t the grasp of the language to describe it.”

“There aren’t enough adjectives to give it justice,” the unicorn agreed.

Rarity twitched again, this time her entire body. “Do you like it?” she asked, drawing every syllable out.

Hoity stepped forward and prodded the hat gingerly with a hoof. “I, uh… I don’t quite know the market for such a giant hat.” When he noticed the crazed look on the haggard unicorn mare’s face he added, “Giant but lovely.”

She giggled. “It certainly is.”

Fancy Pants frowned, scanning the hat up and down. “My dear, would you say this is… waterproof?”

“What point of a giant hat would there be if it weren’t?” She giggled again, more manic than before. Dash was starting to get worried. And irritated. Nopony was paying attention to her.

“Yes… yes…” The unicorn poked the hat thoughtfully.

“Who on earth could wear such a thing?” Hoity asked. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t see a market for this.”

“Wear? Who said anything about wearing it,” Fancy Pants turned to his companion. “Why, isn’t it obvious? You don’t wear it. You use it as a pool.”

“Eh?”

“You put it in the backyard. Fill it with water. Get a ladder and a springboard. Suddenly you are the talk of everypony in town. They’ll all want a giant hat of their own to swim in.”

Hoity rubbed his chin with a thoughtful look. “Why, you’re right. Why didn’t I see it before? It’s perfect.”

“Imagine it: Giant Hat by Rarity. ‘Get wet with the best’. We could sell thousands.”

“Thousands?” Rarity asked, voice breaking on the final syllable. “Thousands,” she repeated, eyes widening. Her pupils dilated until they were black little pricks.

“It’s lovely,” Fancy Pants continued. “I’ll take three of them. Then I can get to work mass-producing them, if that’s all right with you, dear.”

“Of course it is,” Rarity said, rocking back and forth on her hooves. Dash prepared to grab her if she started to fall. “I’ll get right to work.”

“There, see, I told you this wouldn’t be a wasted trip. Now I hear that bakery in town made some of that delicious cake Celestia’s always complaining about how she never got to eat.” Fancy Pants and Hoity Toity left, gossiping like a couple marefriends about Celestia and her odd obsession with sugary confections.

“Rainbow,” Rarity said, still rocking and twitching. Her voice was back to normal, or as normal as it could be right now. “Might you take me to bed? I’m afraid I’m going to pass out.”

She did. Dash managed to catch her before she hit the floor. Carefully, the pegasus carried her friend to her bed, and laid her down. Opal hopped up on the bed, prodded Rarity a few times, and shot a glare at Dash before laying down by Rarity’s front hooves. The unicorn drew the cat close to her in her sleep. Opal began purring.

The whole thing was so sickeningly cute, Dash had to make a quick exit. In her blind panic, she failed to notice one thing: The clouds outside had darkened. She ran straight into a surprise shower. She froze in surprise, mane starting to stick to her skin. There was a thud nearby. Turning, she was completely unsurprised to find Derpy, flat on her back, legs wiggling in the air like an overturned pillbug.

“Derpy! Rain isn’t on the schedule!”

“Sorry! I forgot!” The absent-minded mare smiled, blushing as she did so.

“Aww. You’re way too cute to get mad at, Derpy. What say we get these clouds cleared and catch a movie?”

“Sounds great,” Derpy said, still trying to roll back onto her feet. Dash helped flip her over, and the two sprang into the air. Dash did a somersault, but Derpy knew better than to try to match it.

It was a perfect day.

Comments

[Hat]

This was enjoyable and I liked it very much.

[Tinker301]

That..Was....Interesting? Moustache for you

[Cry Havoc]

Heh. Only Rarity can be that... Rarity.

[Less_than_good]

This sounds like a reference to "Friendship is Witchcraft"; Rarity's always going on about giant hats

[Bluenova]

This deserves the feature box, and to get put onto Equestria Daily.

[theswimminbrony]

Come on, Rainbow Dash. Just because you are upset does not mean you have to yell.

Great story, by the way.

[Purble]

791552
I was thinking the same thing!
Also, in Sweetie Bot's song, she sings "something something giant haat"
(proof: Sweetie Bot's Song~ *the first part* )

[SgtFrog]

Rarity is going to kill herself one of these days....

[Subbro]

When I'm feeling broken down
she has always got my back
mhmhmhmhmhmhm
mhmhm something giant hat
Yes, I love my sister Rarity

[Commissar Rarity]

791589

Y'know I'd like to do that just to say I have submitted something to EqD, but I have no idea how. My computer absolutely refuses to let me go to EqD for some unfathomable reason.

e: no wait just the front page is inaccessible

[Less_than_good]

791818
Didn't remember that, but you're right.
Giiiaant Haaats

[Garbo]

791552
That's what I thought.

[Commissar Rarity]

6455759 yes

and you're about 3 years too late to be first

not to mention saying "first" is stupid