The mane 6 are in a strange new land and have no idea how they got there. everything is block shaped and in 16x16 pixelation. little do they know they're in the Minecraft universe, and even more little do they know, there are dangerous creatures who come out at night. but one book they find has taught them the basic necessities of how to survive. (minus the baddies at night thing)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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this is going to be popular
Could use some work, but the idea is great
On the fence about this... IDK how to rate it or what to say about it, I require additional story to make a decision so for now this is read later
maybe set it as Teen if you are going to swear throughout it now and then
Just wondering, is this based off of something? Cause I remember reading something like this xD
Anyways, I look forward to the story.
This is exactly the same title as a friend of mines stories, lol.
791496 oops lol
I'm surprised your not going to have comedy in here. Judging by your tags.
791607 what do you mean? OF COURSE IT WILL HAVE COMEDY! just subtle comedy. or at least not enough to make add it as a genre.
I hope this story don't die off like so many other minecraft/mlp stories do
very nice! dont abandon it!
just one thing: when you say the story is for Everyone
then you dont write the word "Bastards"
ok?
791273 i agree
793652 the way i see it, half of today's youth uses more language irl than ill ever use in my story so.... we'll see.
second chapter isnt as good. but the third should be good.
Welcome to Minequestria!
The story is good, but the formatting is terrible. I had to force myself to read this chapter because the paragraphs and sentences were all outta wack.
834233 im new to it so sowwey
834271 It's cool. My advice? Go read some of the high rated stories and take notice on how they structure their paragraphs.
MOAR!
dash is in creative XD
Like it i LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOVE mincraft :D
This could work, except the grammar and sentence structure is terrible. I suggest reading Ezn's Guide for detailed instructions on how to write a good story. I don't care if it seems long, or if you have better things to do- having correct grammar and a well written story is essential to getting people to like it.
I'll still go through and do what I can to help you fix it though.
Opening your story with this? Bad idea. Instead of trying to show us the situation, you've just told us outright and already I don't have much of a desire to read this. Why the protagonist would say this I have no idea, and you could easily have written this out in thoughts or by detailing their surroundings.
A while now. Not awhile- that can be used in some circumstances, but certainly not here.
As Ezn rightly states in his guide, using ellipsis is often frowned upon in fiction, as it seems like a cheap way to get out of writing and can be easily distracting. Even letting that slide, there is no reason you cannot just use a simple three dots '...' instead of swarming the screen with them. It serves no purpose, it's not grammatically correct and above all it's just distracting.
Incorrect capitalisation of flew.
Hold on to your horses there, no pun intended. I strongly suggest you read the dialogue section on Ezn's guide, as this is a little bit on the incorrect side. It should be:
'Where could we possibly be?' I thought. 'We couldn't be THAT far away from Ponyville, could we?'
Again, there's no reason you couldn't have told us what she actually said. This is just skipping important parts of the story for no apparent reason other than laziness.
I'm not sure if you've ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell". The idea behind this is that you need to describe what the ponies are doing that makes them shocked, instead of just stating that "they're shocked" and leaving it at that. Try explaining how Rarity's eyes widened at the news, or Rainbowdash's wings sprung up protectively around her.
Firstly, who is 'I'? At first I thought 'I' was Twilight Sparkle, but apparently not, unless the story just randomly switched to third person. You really need to make this clear.
Second, incorrect capitalisation of said.
You've suddenly abandoned the past tense and emerged into present tense, and though this is debatably correct as you're explaining what it would do if you met it now, it's a hard thing to do right, and to be blunt, you've done it all wrong. You could easily have explained this in the stalking scenes, letting it carry through its stages one by one as it hunted the mane six. Also, the '...' was a terrible decision- like I said, it is distracting and pointless, and could easily be replaced by a simple comma.
Stop. Just please, please stop with the ellipsis.
This transition into present tense clearly wasn't intentional. This should really be "We found a cave and considered sleeping in there, seeing as the sun was falling. Strange really. It didn't feel like it'd been a day, but who knows how it's like here"
I made the last part red because I couldn't find any way to fix that without rewording it completely- it's an incredibly clumsy statement and should not be included. Try rewording your statements until you find something that fits.
Include the vote in your story, don't just sum it up in one sentence.
Seriously, try to keep your stories in the same tense. If it isn't automatic, I strongly suggest reading and writing more without publishing until you can hone your skills to the point where you don't make this mistake. It's annoying, unprofessional and it makes it seem as if you've put very little effort into your work (which, to be fair, you probably haven't).
"I stealthily flew in to check and see if it was safe. It was so dark though. I listened and heard nothing so I figured it must be safe. I yelled to the others to come on in. As they walked in, I could swear I saw (or could see) something in the corner move, but I thought nothing of it. We set our stuff down and rested for a bit until we got tired."
I have no words for that. You rested until you got tired?
Twilight should be capitalised, as it's a name, and says should be said.
1. Rarity should be capitalised.
2. Why did Rarity have to say that? Couldn't you say that in the story?
3. "20" should be "twenty"
4. Your little statement that "it smells like a cows ass" is both unprofessional, annoying, and I can see no reason why you couldn't describe what it smelt like instead of making a pointless and immature comment for the sake of (very badly) describing the setting.
5. I won't bother to correct the tense errors in this. You need the practice.
1. Tense. Fix. Please.
2. Twilight should be capitalised.
3. Having multiple exclamation marks doesn't add to your story, it makes you sound like a bad writer who doesn't know how to describe things properly.
1. The full capitals are unnecessary. You should be able to find a better way to describe it than that.
2. I swear to god, if I find any more tense mistakes I am going to hunt you down and hit you with my computer.
1. I'm lost here. Who's saying what now? Or did you just argue with yourself?
Fix the tense!
2. Twilight should be capitalised.
3.
4. Twilight is a damsel in distress. I suppose I shouldn't be complaining, there are worse points in the story.
5. A while. Not awhile. Awhile is for stretches of time: i.e, wait for awhile.
1. Ohhhhh, I'm Rainbowdash. Right. Probably should have told us that earlier, hm?
2. I swear, ellipsis should be made illegal to everyone who abuses them.
3. Though awhile is actually used in a context where it would work, it still seems lazy and unattractive. You should use something else- or if you can't, expand your vocabulary.
4. Te- Screw it, I can't do it anymore. Just in the name of all things merciful use proper tense!
1. Put a comma after say. Please.
2. Tense.
3. Pinkie Pie should be capitalised.
I can't be bothered fixing the rest, as it's all got the same mistakes.
Here's my overall advice for this.
1. You need to read more books if you want to learn how to write. What you have here is barely even a story- it's unprofessional, unpolished, frankly boring, jam packed with grammatical errors and the few places where you have attempted description are usually extremely basic and often immature. Don't publish stories until you've mastered the rules of writing.
2. For the love of all things holy, read the guide I sent you. It doesn't matter how boring you think it is, it contains invaluable information for you that you really, really need.
3. I am not going to be reading the next chapter, nor am I going to read any of your other stories. I try to be fair and forgiving, but I will not spend the time to help you again or bother to read anything else you publish. This was quite literally painful to read, though it pains me further to have to say that.
4. I cannot say how you got so many likes. My one guess is that the topic of "Minecraft" will immediately haul in viewers and likes, but do not expect that to always shield you. While the population of Minecraft may allow you to pass with this, I guarantee that if you try this on any topic which will draw in an older audience you will not be met with a positive response. The story is riddled with errors and bad storytelling, and it is quite honestly the worst piece I have read on Fimfiction so far. Call me a hater if you will, but I do not give such negative feedback lightly.