The strange new land
Day 1
“We've been lost for awhile now. We have no idea where we are or how we got here. All we do know is that we will die soon if we don't get rescued. Fluttershy found a camera, so we will be documenting our survival in this strange new land so that if anyone finds this camera after we are......are........ dead, they'll know what happened to us.” I closed the camera and put it in Rarity's bag. Then Flew up into the sky. Higher than any pegasus has ever flown before, trying to find civilization, but I found nothing but cube like trees and terrain that looked like it was made of blocks. It was all so strange. This place looked like nothing in Equestria.
'Where could we possibly be?', I thought. 'we couldn't be THAT far away from Ponyville, could we?' I flew back down to the others and told them of my findings. They were all shocked to hear that they were no where near any sort of civilization, let alone not be anywhere near Ponyville.
“Then we'll just have to find our way back!” Twilight Sparkle Said, trying to cheer everyone up. “If we got ourselves here, than we can certainly make our way back.” We were confused, but we still wandered into the unknown with determination, not realizing we were being followed by a very dangerous creature. This creature was a tall upright, four legged figure with a permanent frown on its face. It is a sickening green color and is absolutely silent...until it attacks. It lets itself be known by making a horrifying “sssssssssssssssssssss” sound, then exploding in a kamikaze style. The thing followed us as we wandered into the forest...waiting for the right time to strike..
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We found a cave and consider sleeping in there, seeing as the sun is falling. Strange really. It doesn't feel like its been a day, but who knows how its like here? We had a vote and we all said yes. I stealthily fly in to check and see if it was safe. It was so dark though. I listened and heard nothing so I figure it must be safe. I yell to the others to come on in. As they walk in, I could swear I can see something in the corner move, but I think nothing of it. We set our stuff down and rest for a bit until we get tired.
“The sun sure did go down fast...” twilight says.
“I'll say! When we came to, it was around morning. Now only after about 20 minutes its almost dark.” rarity said, looking ever so disgusted with the smell of this cave. Can't blame her. It smells like a cows ass in here. Throughout the night I hear sounds that would sound like animal chatter. It sounded somewhat horrifying because it was very faint and ghostly. But I'm so tired, I cant go over there to check things out. So I just sit here hoping whatever it is wont bother us.
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“AAAAHHHH!!!!”
I'm awoken by the blood curdling scream of twilight. I immediately get up and fly over, only to find that she is being chased by green creatures.
“Dont just stand there, help me!!!!” twilight yelled at me.
“Huh? OH YEAH! HANG ON TWILIGHT!” I yell confidently. I fly over and kick one of the ugly green freaks of nature that was chasing her. It started hissing at me. “What? You don't like that? Too bad. That's what happens to bastards who mess with my friends!” I yell at it. Next thing I know, the thing explodes and sends me flying into a wall.
'What the hell just happened?' I think to myself. 'That doesn't matter right now! I gotta go help twilight!' I get up, dust my scratched body off and launch my self towards the damsel in distress. But as I go to flap my wings, my right wing locks up and I fall to the ground. 'must be from my accident awhile back. Dammit!' I get back up and run over to twilight and kick each one of those creatures as hard as I can. They start hissing and start to chase me. I run outside of the cave and wait. When they come out, I let them get close enough to start hissing, and then once they are about to explode, I lunge out of the way so I don't get hurt.
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After the coast is clear. I head back into the half exploded cave.
“Thanks for saving me, Rainbow Dash. Oh are you okay? Your wing looks pretty injured. Let me see if I can find a spe.... oh wait.... I dont have any books with me. Sorry.” Twilight says to me.
“It's alright. It's not too bad. I'll just be grounded for awhile is all.” I say in an exhausted voice.
“Say what's over here?” Pinkie Pie said while pointing to the area were the first creature had exploded. All of us came over to where pinkie pie had pointed.
“There's a book.” Fluttershy said. Twilight was automatically alerted and sprinted towards it.
“MINE!!!!!!” She yelled. I giggle to myself as she plows through everypony trying to get to the book. She jumped up over the hole and, almost if she had wings, lunged herself down on the book.
“'What is this place and what to do to get back home.' hmmmm... convenient!” Twilight said, happy as could be that she has something to read. We all help her up and go over to the corner to read the book with her. The book looked rather old, ripped in someplaces, and smudged in others. It was brown in coloration and rather basic in design. The writing was so bad, I have no idea how anypony could ever read this thing. Simply put, the words look like pinkie pie's diarrhea after too much candy. But sure enough, twilight dusts off and opens the book and begins to read the first page...
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this is going to be popular
Could use some work, but the idea is great
On the fence about this... IDK how to rate it or what to say about it, I require additional story to make a decision so for now this is read later
maybe set it as Teen if you are going to swear throughout it now and then
Just wondering, is this based off of something? Cause I remember reading something like this xD
Anyways, I look forward to the story.
This is exactly the same title as a friend of mines stories, lol.
791496 oops lol
I'm surprised your not going to have comedy in here. Judging by your tags.
791607 what do you mean? OF COURSE IT WILL HAVE COMEDY! just subtle comedy. or at least not enough to make add it as a genre.
I hope this story don't die off like so many other minecraft/mlp stories do
very nice! dont abandon it!
just one thing: when you say the story is for Everyone
then you dont write the word "Bastards"
ok?
791273 i agree
793652 the way i see it, half of today's youth uses more language irl than ill ever use in my story so.... we'll see.
MOAR!
dash is in creative XD
This could work, except the grammar and sentence structure is terrible. I suggest reading Ezn's Guide for detailed instructions on how to write a good story. I don't care if it seems long, or if you have better things to do- having correct grammar and a well written story is essential to getting people to like it.
I'll still go through and do what I can to help you fix it though.
Opening your story with this? Bad idea. Instead of trying to show us the situation, you've just told us outright and already I don't have much of a desire to read this. Why the protagonist would say this I have no idea, and you could easily have written this out in thoughts or by detailing their surroundings.
A while now. Not awhile- that can be used in some circumstances, but certainly not here.
As Ezn rightly states in his guide, using ellipsis is often frowned upon in fiction, as it seems like a cheap way to get out of writing and can be easily distracting. Even letting that slide, there is no reason you cannot just use a simple three dots '...' instead of swarming the screen with them. It serves no purpose, it's not grammatically correct and above all it's just distracting.
Incorrect capitalisation of flew.
Hold on to your horses there, no pun intended. I strongly suggest you read the dialogue section on Ezn's guide, as this is a little bit on the incorrect side. It should be:
'Where could we possibly be?' I thought. 'We couldn't be THAT far away from Ponyville, could we?'
Again, there's no reason you couldn't have told us what she actually said. This is just skipping important parts of the story for no apparent reason other than laziness.
I'm not sure if you've ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell". The idea behind this is that you need to describe what the ponies are doing that makes them shocked, instead of just stating that "they're shocked" and leaving it at that. Try explaining how Rarity's eyes widened at the news, or Rainbowdash's wings sprung up protectively around her.
Firstly, who is 'I'? At first I thought 'I' was Twilight Sparkle, but apparently not, unless the story just randomly switched to third person. You really need to make this clear.
Second, incorrect capitalisation of said.
You've suddenly abandoned the past tense and emerged into present tense, and though this is debatably correct as you're explaining what it would do if you met it now, it's a hard thing to do right, and to be blunt, you've done it all wrong. You could easily have explained this in the stalking scenes, letting it carry through its stages one by one as it hunted the mane six. Also, the '...' was a terrible decision- like I said, it is distracting and pointless, and could easily be replaced by a simple comma.
Stop. Just please, please stop with the ellipsis.
This transition into present tense clearly wasn't intentional. This should really be "We found a cave and considered sleeping in there, seeing as the sun was falling. Strange really. It didn't feel like it'd been a day, but who knows how it's like here"
I made the last part red because I couldn't find any way to fix that without rewording it completely- it's an incredibly clumsy statement and should not be included. Try rewording your statements until you find something that fits.
Include the vote in your story, don't just sum it up in one sentence.
Seriously, try to keep your stories in the same tense. If it isn't automatic, I strongly suggest reading and writing more without publishing until you can hone your skills to the point where you don't make this mistake. It's annoying, unprofessional and it makes it seem as if you've put very little effort into your work (which, to be fair, you probably haven't).
"I stealthily flew in to check and see if it was safe. It was so dark though. I listened and heard nothing so I figured it must be safe. I yelled to the others to come on in. As they walked in, I could swear I saw (or could see) something in the corner move, but I thought nothing of it. We set our stuff down and rested for a bit until we got tired."
I have no words for that. You rested until you got tired?
Twilight should be capitalised, as it's a name, and says should be said.
1. Rarity should be capitalised.
2. Why did Rarity have to say that? Couldn't you say that in the story?
3. "20" should be "twenty"
4. Your little statement that "it smells like a cows ass" is both unprofessional, annoying, and I can see no reason why you couldn't describe what it smelt like instead of making a pointless and immature comment for the sake of (very badly) describing the setting.
5. I won't bother to correct the tense errors in this. You need the practice.
1. Tense. Fix. Please.
2. Twilight should be capitalised.
3. Having multiple exclamation marks doesn't add to your story, it makes you sound like a bad writer who doesn't know how to describe things properly.
1. The full capitals are unnecessary. You should be able to find a better way to describe it than that.
2. I swear to god, if I find any more tense mistakes I am going to hunt you down and hit you with my computer.
1. I'm lost here. Who's saying what now? Or did you just argue with yourself?
Fix the tense!
2. Twilight should be capitalised.
3.
4. Twilight is a damsel in distress. I suppose I shouldn't be complaining, there are worse points in the story.
5. A while. Not awhile. Awhile is for stretches of time: i.e, wait for awhile.
1. Ohhhhh, I'm Rainbowdash. Right. Probably should have told us that earlier, hm?
2. I swear, ellipsis should be made illegal to everyone who abuses them.
3. Though awhile is actually used in a context where it would work, it still seems lazy and unattractive. You should use something else- or if you can't, expand your vocabulary.
4. Te- Screw it, I can't do it anymore. Just in the name of all things merciful use proper tense!
1. Put a comma after say. Please.
2. Tense.
3. Pinkie Pie should be capitalised.
I can't be bothered fixing the rest, as it's all got the same mistakes.
Here's my overall advice for this.
1. You need to read more books if you want to learn how to write. What you have here is barely even a story- it's unprofessional, unpolished, frankly boring, jam packed with grammatical errors and the few places where you have attempted description are usually extremely basic and often immature. Don't publish stories until you've mastered the rules of writing.
2. For the love of all things holy, read the guide I sent you. It doesn't matter how boring you think it is, it contains invaluable information for you that you really, really need.
3. I am not going to be reading the next chapter, nor am I going to read any of your other stories. I try to be fair and forgiving, but I will not spend the time to help you again or bother to read anything else you publish. This was quite literally painful to read, though it pains me further to have to say that.
4. I cannot say how you got so many likes. My one guess is that the topic of "Minecraft" will immediately haul in viewers and likes, but do not expect that to always shield you. While the population of Minecraft may allow you to pass with this, I guarantee that if you try this on any topic which will draw in an older audience you will not be met with a positive response. The story is riddled with errors and bad storytelling, and it is quite honestly the worst piece I have read on Fimfiction so far. Call me a hater if you will, but I do not give such negative feedback lightly.