• Published 22nd Jun 2016
  • 13,202 Views, 350 Comments

Rick and Morty Do Equestria - The card holder

Equestria has resources not found in any other dimension, so of course an alcoholic, mean-spirited scientist would get in on that and drag his grandson along for the ride.

  • ...

Equest-Rick-an Encounter

Author's Note:

I am not sorry.

Twilight Sparkle was having a good day. She had gotten all her books fully arranged, Spike and Starlight were both accompanying Rarity to Canterlot for the weekend, and there was not a hint of anything going horribly, horribly wrong in Ponyville.

That last one should have been a massive red flag to her, but, well, hindsight's 20/20.

She had just started to fall back into a chair and crack open a copy of Magic, and How Not To Use It For Literally Everything Ever when a giant green disc opened above the ground in front of her, causing her to simultaneously yelp, fall backwards over the chair, and send the book flying across the room.

She managed to untangle herself just in time to see a pair of bipedal, very strange creatures walk out of what was apparently a portal, which quickly closed behind them.

The shorter one was wearing a plain yellow shirt and pants, and was looking around curiously. The other, who was a head taller, wore a dirty labcoat, and smelled like a lot of alcohol and other substances, simply tucked a strange device back into his jacket.

"R-R-Rick, where are we?" the smaller one asked, looking around nervously.

"God, Morty, don't you urp," the taller one belched, but continued on, "ever listen to me? I told you we were hopping over to another dimension, we need to get some urp materials, for, you know, science stuff."

Since they apparently didn't notice her yet, Twilight decided to greet them. "Uh, hello?"

The tall one just looked at her, uninterested, while the short one jumped slightly. "Jeez! Oh, man, how long were you there?"


"Yeah, don't care," the tall one interrupted. "Isn't there a forest around here somewhere?"

Twilight hesitated before answering. "There's the, uh, Everfree Forest..."

"Perfect, come on Morty, we urp got work to do."

He walked off, and the short being followed shortly after, giving one quick look back at Twilight before they were out of sight.

Twilight couldn't help but stay standing in place for a minute or two.

"What just happened?"

"Gee, Rick, have you, like, been here before?"

Rick took a swig from his flask as they walked through the town, ignoring the stares the ponies were giving them. "A loooooong time ago, Morty. Thankfully, seems like not much has changed, they're still urp horse people."

Morty looked around at the locals, noting the combination of horned horses, winged horses, and normal horses, all brightly colored and looking on in shock. "Should we have, you know, talked some more with that other one? She seemed important."

Rick rolled his eyes. "What, because she had a wing and a horn?"

"And, well, she apparently lived in a castle, or something," Morty added, looking behind them.

"Morty, let me tell you somethin', I know that pony was impurpant, which is why I got us out of there. Portal into another dimension right in front of a supposed leader? That sounds waaaaay too simple and urp convenient, Morty, like a, fuckin', I dunno, a bad fanfiction or something."


Rick took another swig. "S'what they call themselves."

Morty took another look around the town. Sure, talking, multicolor horses were weird, but at this point he just sort of accepted whatever he saw when on one of these trips with his grandfather. It certainly made things a lot easier in the long run.

Soon, the two of them reached the edge of the town, and the buildings were replaced with foreboding trees.

"Alright, Morty, we're here, help me look for a urp blue plant, just make sure you don't touch it, like, at all."

"Wait, really? B-But why, Rick?"

"Cause some baaaad shit happens to you, Morty. Like, real bad. Just trust me."

"Oh... okay, Rick, I guess..."

Celestia looked out over the town of Ponyville, smiling. Today was another beautiful day, and for once she was able to get a decent sized break from day court, much to her relief. Somehow, the nobles manage to both make the most ridiculous demands, and make themselves completely and utterly boring or annoying.

As she scanned the town and the nearby forest, something in particular caught her eye. Curious, she pulled up her nearby telescope and aimed it at the edge of the forest.

There, she saw a small bipedal creature in yellow-

-and another in a white lab coat.

She gasped, and accidentally dropped the telescope onto the floor of the balcony, shattering the glass.

Almost immediately, she heard the door to her room open. "Your highness, is everything alright?" one of her guards asked.

"Cancel the rest of day court," she ordered quickly. "And awaken my sister at once and tell her to meet me here. Tell her it's urgent."

The guard saluted before galloping off into the hall. Celestia tried her best to calmly walk from the balcony to her room proper, but she found her hooves shaking slightly with every step.

After so long...

Before she could even finish her thought, there was a knock on the door, before a sleepy looking Princess Luna entered the room.

Celestia would have to remember to commend that guard for his speed later.

"Sister, what," Luna yawned, "pray tell, is the problem?"

"Luna... He has returned," Celestia said, bowing her head down.

Luna's sleepy demeanor vanished. "Sombra..." she muttered darkly.

Celestia's head snapped up. "What? No, not him."

Luna tilted her head. "Tirek?"

"No, not him either!"

The younger sister put a hoof to her chin in thought. "Oh! The stallion of the circular pastries!"

"No. What? No!" Celestia shook her head. "Nevermind, just come out here and look!"

She dragged her sister out to the balcony, and after a quick spell to repair the telescope, brought it up to Luna's eye, making sure to point it at the faint yellow and white blobs near the edge of Ponyville. "I mean him."

Luna searched for a bit, before her eyes widened. "You mean..."


"But... why now? After so very long?"

Celestia let her wings span out. "That is what we must find out."

"Jesus Christ, Morty, will you stop being such a big baby?"

"Shut up, okay?! You're not the one who got stung by a, lion, scorpion, bat thing!"

"And I shot it and cured the urp venom, right? You could at least be thankful."

"I only got stung because you pushed me into the damn thing!"

"And if I didn't, it would've gotten us both, so, just shut the hell up and carry the urp flowers."

Morty just grumbled as he followed Rick back into the town, occasionally scratching his arm where he was stung.

The second trip through the town was about the same as the first, though now Rick was looking through some hand-scribbled notes he had made.

"Let's see, got the flowers, now just need... and... Alright, Morty, you still with me?"

"It's not like I have a choice, or anything..."

"Great, because now we need to-"

At that moment, both of them were picked up in a cloud of purple magic, before they were pulled inside the castle they had wandered next to.

"Don't you two know you could cause a panic just wandering around out there?!" Twilight Sparkle shouted once she dropped them from her magic, causing them both to land less than gracefully.

Rick was the first one to get back up, dusting off his coat. "Yeah, well, here's a rebuttal: I don't give a urp fuuuuuck." Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he snapped his fingers in triumph. "Wait, this is perfect! Morty, come here!"

Morty rubbed his head as he got back to his feet. "What is it now, Rick?"

Rick wasted no time before shoving a cup and lid into his grandson's hands. "I need you to, to rub this pony's urp horn until, uh, stuff comes out and catch it into this jar!"

Twilight's face lit up in a bright blush immediately, while Morty recoiled is disgust. "Augh, what the hell, Rick! You want me to just, jack her horn off!"

"Exactly, Morty!"

"I don't- Rick, that's disgusting! Why would you even ask me to do that?!"

"Because, Morty, I know you've had plenty of experience polishing cylindrical objects."

Morty had no answer to that.

"W-Wait!" Twilight shouted, still blushing. "W-why would you even n-need to do that?"

Rick grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and got in her face, making her reflexively scrunch her nose from the smell. "Listen to me, uh, uh...."


"Yeah, whatever," Rick continued, "as strange as it sounds, I need your horn juice as an ingredient for something I'm making for my own dimension! It's urp like a, uh, super drug or something." He got even closer to her face. "Listen to me, Dwight, people will die if I can't make the, uh, thing! With your horn juice, Dwight!"

Frantically looking at Rick for a few seconds, Twilight then closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Alright. I... I guess I'll... d-do it..."

Rick almost threw her away from him. "Great! Thanks for your help, Dwight!"

"It's... Twilight..."

Now with some amount of context on why Rick needed this stuff, Morty was slightly less averse to the task ahead of him, but not by much. "A- Are you sure about this, Rick? I mean, couldn't we just, uh, ask her to, um, do it herself?"

"It doesn't work like that, Morty, it needs to be urp fresh from the source, and by another party!" He took a swig. "It's, like, magic or some shit, it just knows somehow, I dunno."

Neither Twilight nor Morty could stand to make eye contact with one another, the latter very uncomfortable and the former still blushing furiously. "W-W-Well, okay, I guess..."

He slowly brought his hand near her horn, but stopped, unsure how to proceed. Likewise, Twilight reflexively backed away a bit, equally unsure.

Rick rolled his eyes. "God, can you two hurry it up? It's like watching a pair of virgins."

Twilight's blush intensified while Morty gave the most hateful look he could manage at that moment.

Rick let out a sigh. "Whatever, while you two do that, I'm gonna urp get that other, thingy. For the drug."

With that, he walked outside, taking another swig.

By now, the citizens of Ponyville were slightly more used to the creatures walking around their streets, if only because they kept to themselves and never really said anything to them. They still gave Rick a wide berth though, partly from fear, and partly from the smell emanating from his person.

He didn't care, though. As far as he was concerned, this was a plus. He didn't feel like dealing with too much cartoon horse bullshit today. Sure, he had been here before, but that was so long ago he honestly didn't remember much. He had the feeling he was forgetting something vitally important, but he shook it off and took another drink. If it really was important, he'd figure it out before long, probably.

Eventually, he spotted a building that looked like it was made of gingerbread and other assorted sweets, so he walked inside.

"Heya! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!" greeted the mare behind the counter, who was far too pink for her own good, and was so caught up in her excited greeting that she didn't even open her eyes.

When she did, though, they widened considerably at the sight of Rick.

He was far less concerned, however. "Hey, pink horse, gonna need a box of..." He looked at the display case inside the counter and pointed to a plate of brownies, "those things, to go."

Though she wanted to ask many, many, many questions, the mare realized that business came first. "Coming right up, Mister Strange Creature!"

"Call me urp Rick."

"You got it, urp Rick!" the mare replied, mimicking Rick's belch.

Rick just stared ahead, unamused.

All at once, the pony became a pink blur behind the counter, quickly packaging up a box of brownies and bringing it with her to the register. "That'll be six bits, please!"

Rick patted his pockets. "You accept schmeckles?"

"...excuse me?"

"How about flerbos?"

She just stared at him.


"...we only accept bits, sir," the mare said, smiling awkwardly.

Rick was entertaining the idea of just taking the food and running, but then something occurred to him. "Wait, hold on, I'll urp be right back, pinky."

He took out a strange device from his coat, pointed it at the air next to him, and fired it at the air next to him, causing a glowing green disc to stretch into existence. He jumped through, and it closed behind him.

The mare just stared ahead, slack jawed. "How did he know my name?"

Suddenly, the portal opened again, and Rick returned, holding a pair of gold coins. "Alright, this is urp all I could find, these work?"

He tossed the coins on the counter, and the mare picked them up to inspect them, before letting out a massive gasp. "These are old Equestrian bits! They're worth a fortune!"

"That's a yes then!" Rick nonchalantly took the box and started walking out, leaving the dumbfounded mare behind as he laughed.

Back in the open air, he was starting to head back to Morty and Dwight when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

On the side of a nearby mountain, there was a castle, which was odd enough, but even more odd were the two blobs approaching from it, one white and one dark blue.

Curious, Rick slowed his walk slightly as he looked closer, trying to see what they were. As they got closer, he couldn't shake the feeling that something about them felt familiar...

And then his eyes widened in recognition.

"Ooooooooh shit!" he cried out, now breaking into a full sprint back to Morty, not caring about how his actions caused surrounding ponies to begin crying out in fear and running away.

Rick wasted no time in bashing through the door to the castle, finding a heavily blushing Twilight and a very uncomfortable looking Morty holding a sealed cup of a glowing purple substance.

"O-Okay, Rick, I got-"

"No time, Morty!" Rick shouted, startling them both. "We have to go, now!"

"Wait, wha-"

Morty was cut off as Rick fired a portal into the air behind him and threw Morty in, before jumping in himself.

The moment they were both through, the portal closed, and shortly after the front door was blown off its hinges by the sudden arrival of Celestia and Luna.

"Where did he go?" Celestia asked, looking around frantically.

"Twilight, tell us!" Luna said, getting into her face.

Twilight, to her credit, managed to keep her cool more than most ponies would. "What the everloving hay is going on?!"

The moment Rick and Morty were back in their garage, Rick let out a victory yell. "Alright! We did it, Morty! We urp got the things! Suck my diiiiiiiiiiiick, cartoon horses!"

"Rick, what the hell was that about?" Morty asked, putting the jar of horn extract onto Rick's work table. "Why did we have to leave so quickly?"

Rick paused. "Uh, horse cops. Yeah, that's it. Trust me, you don't wanna go to urp horse prison, Morty. It's like normal prison, but everything's bigger where it counts."

"What do you..." Morty trailed off as understanding washed over him. "...oh. Gross."

"Don't worry about it, Morty," Rick said, putting everything onto his work table. "Now we can make some mad bucks!"

"What?! You said this would save lives!"

Rick scoffed. "Yeah, Morty, our lives. I can make some killer ripnaxaline, that shit fucks you up!"

"And how in the hell does that help us, Rick?!"

"Because it urp sells, Morty! Just one batch can get us, like, at least three thousand schmeckles!"

Morty let out an anguished cry. "You mean I jerked off a unicorn for nothing but a quick buck?! I can't believe you, Rick!"

After that, Morty stormed out of the garage, while Rick just rolled his eyes and took a drink, before eating a brownie right after.

"Oh, shit, these are good. Should probably urp go there more often."