• Published 22nd Jun 2016
  • 9,523 Views, 423 Comments

Rick and Morty Do Equestria - The card holder

Equestria has resources not found in any other dimension, so of course an alcoholic, mean-spirited scientist would get in on that and drag his grandson along for the ride.

  • ...


"WHAT?!" Morty screamed, shattering the silence that had fallen over the group.

"Jeez, Morty, calm down," Rick calmly said, taking a swig. "Not like you haven't found out stranger things about me."

Morty's shock died down slightly. "I, I know, Rick, but still, this is... How?! Why?!"

"Long story, Morty. Would take a while to get all the way urp through it."

"We have time," Luna said. "After all, we still need to ask you some questions of our own, father."

Rick sighed. "Alright, I guess it's story time. See, when I came here for the first time, I was still a different person." He took another swig. "I hadn't accepted the inevitability of death and the overall pointlessness of prolonged existence yet."

"Oh, uh, wow, Rick, that's pretty depressing," Morty commented.

"Welcome to the club, Morty. Anyway, I found this urp dimension by chance, and honestly Morty the ponies were pretty fucked back then, what with them constantly on the edge of a race war and with the sun and moon on a decaying orbit."

Twilight looked confused, before turning to Celestia. "You didn't tell me-"

"Shut up, Dwight, I'm not finished," Rick interrupted. "Anyway, being the naive scientist I was back then, I decided to give the ponies a leader, or two, or something." He took another swig, then motioned at both Celestia and Luna. "Took some bits of unicorn, pegasus, and, uh, the third one-"

"Earth pony," Celestia helpfully added.

"Yeah, that one, took DNA from all three and funneled them into a gestation machine, along with some human DNA. And since I was the only human here..." He shrugged. "And next thing you know, bam, I got these two."

Morty was mortified. "You mean these two were the product of, of, like, some sort of sick science project?"

"Nothing wrong with gestating life remotely via collected DNA, urp Morty," Rick said. "The tricky part was trying to figure out their bullshit 'magic' enough so they could literally move the sun and moon with telekinetic force."

Morty looked at the two princesses. "And, and you two are okay with that?!"

"Father told us our origin fairly early on," Celestia said. "While I certainly had a small crisis upon learning it, in hindsight I appreciate the honesty."

"But there's one thing I don't get," Twilight spoke up. "That was thousands of years ago, Rick. Where were you in the meantime?"

"Yes, father," Celestia added, "where exactly were you?"

Rick stopped mid-swig. "Wait, thousands? I was only gone for, like, forty-something years." Suddenly, his eyes widened slightly. "Wait, Morty, how urp long ago did we come here?"

"I dunno, a few days, I think."

Twilight tilted her head and arched an eyebrow. "But you two were just here this morning..."

Morty just looked between Rick and the three ponies, confused. "Rick, what does that mean?"

"Well, clearly, Morty, this dimension exists in such a way that its timeline in relation to our own changes exponentially," Rick explained. "A few days in ours is a few hours here, but the longer we stay in our own dimension the more time will pass here."

Everyone was completely silent for a moment.

"R-Rick, that makes no sense!" Morty finally said. Rick only shrugged in response.

"But I must know," Luna said, taking a step forward. "Why now, father? Why choose to come back now?"

Morty realized something, and he grew a small, smug smirk. "Yeah, Rick, you gonna tell them why you came here?"

"Shut up, Morty," Rick said. "Anyway, I just needed to grab some things for a business venture."


"Honestly, I had... well, kinda forgotten about you two," Rick continued.

Celestia gasped. "How could you forget us, father?"

"Look, a loooooot of shit happened in the time since I left, and, hell, I'm getting kinda old, too." He pointed at Morty. "Speaking of, meet my grandson, Morty."

Luna and Celestia looked at each other, before Luna spoke. "Grandson? We have another sibling?"

"Well, I mean-"

"You came here on a business venture?!" Twilight suddenly asked, her face bent in fury. "You mean I did... that for you just for a profit?!"

"Did what?" Celestia asked.

Rick ignored her. "Don't act like it was that bad, Dwight. I'm sure Morty urp enjoyed it, at least."

Morty's smug expression was replaced with one of shock and rage. "Oh no, Rick, don't you dare think about throwing me under the bus, you son of a bitch! You used me, too! Just so you could make your, your stupid space weed!"

"God, what is everyone's problem with this? One time I use horn extract, and now everyone's jumping down my throat!"

"Horn ext-" Luna blushed slightly when understanding hit her. Celestia reached the same conclusion at the same time. "Oh."

"Anyway, Luna, yeah, I had a daughter. At least a 'real' one." Rick took another drink. "Then she married an idiot who got her pregnant, and once they had one kid they decided to have another for some reason. That's urp Morty."

Morty paused. "Wait, does that mean... these two are like, my aunts?"

Rick shrugged. "Sure, I guess, if you wanna get technical."

"Are we all just going to gloss over how I was used?!" Twilight shouted angrily.

"Join the club, pal," Morty said. "Worst part is, I've seen Rick do, like, way worse stuff for less."

Celestia and Luna shared a look.

Rick looked at one of his many watches. "Welp, we spent enough time on this reunion, I think," he said, before pulling out his portal gun and firing it next to himself. "Let's go, Morty. Later, Luna and Tia! Wubba lubba dub dub!"

Rick didn't wait for any responses as he jumped through the portal, and Morty only gave a look back as he followed, and it closed.

Now that there were only three of them in the room, Luna let out a sigh. "He has changed, hasn't he, Tia?"

"Indeed. I do not remember him being so... What is the word I'm looking for?"

"Callous?" Twilight spat out.

"Careless?" Luna offered.

Celestia shook her head. "No, it was like... it felt like he had just... given up at some point."

Luna's ears drooped. "On us?"

"No, on... everything, I suppose."

"Hmm. It is true I don't remember him... drinking so much," Luna conceded.

"At least his grandson- or, our nephew, I suppose, seems nice enough," Celestia said. Suddenly remembering the other pony in the room, she turned to Twilight. "So what was this about the both of you 'being used'?"

Twilight blushed and looked away. "I don't wanna talk about it."

When Morty and Rick reappeared in the garage, neither of them said anything at first. Once Rick had placed both sets of items they gathered on the table, however, Morty found his voice.

"Say, Rick, what did you need the apples and feathers for, even? Making some, like, space heroin? Or some sort of multicolor cocaine?"

"Nope," Rick said simply. "The car needs gas. The stuff I can brew up with these lasts for, like, a year, Morty."

Morty was shocked. "...oh, huh. Guess you aren't selling this one, then?"

Rick scoffed. "God, no. I'm not letting any of those dumbasses get ahold of this stuff."

"You know, Rick, you have, um, some really weird priorities, sometimes, you know?"

"Bite me, Morty."

Morty was about to go inside the house, when he thought of something else. "Say, are we... going to tell Mom?"

"About what?"

"About... well," he looked around before speaking more softly, "my... 'aunts'?"

Rick paused in his work. "Look, Morty, how about you keep your mouth shut about that for now, urp alright? This family is already on the brink of shattering without me bringing horse experiments to the table."

With no further rebuttal that could be made on the subject, Morty went inside.

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