• Published 22nd Jun 2016
  • 13,201 Views, 354 Comments

Rick and Morty Do Equestria - The card holder

Equestria has resources not found in any other dimension, so of course an alcoholic, mean-spirited scientist would get in on that and drag his grandson along for the ride.

  • ...

The Rick-turn

Author's Note:

psst the title is supposed to be a pun with the word return if you didn't get it okay I'll leave now

"NO, Rick!"

"Oh come on, Morty, don't be like that!"

"You made me perform a sexual act just so you could earn money! You- You literally whored me out, Rick!"

"Alright, fine, I'm sorry. Happy now?"

Morty just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that helps a looooot."

"I swear to god, Morty, one of these days I'm just gonna urp smack the shit out of you."

"I'm still not going back just to help you turn another profit, Rick."

Rick threw his hands up in the air. "I don't see what the fucking problem is with getting some cash out of our little adventures!"

"At least don't lie to them about it!" Morty shouted back.

"Would you two stop yelling so much?!" Summer shouted from the kitchen, "I'm trying to do homework!"

"It's a matter of exploitation!" Morty shouted back.

"It's a matter of Morty being a giant pussy!" Rick yelled in return.

"Shut the hell up, Rick!" Morty rebuked.

Suddenly, the door to the kitchen slammed open, revealing a very angry Summer. "Oh my God, both of you shut the hell up!"

"But he-"

"I don't care, Morty, just go with him! We both know Rick won't listen to any moral reasoning we try!"

"It's true," Rick replied, taking a swig.


"Morty, stop being a little bitch and go!" Summer yelled.

"Yeah, urp Morty, stop being a little bitch!" Rick added.

Morty let out a strangled cry. "Fine, I'll go along with your stupid, lying, whatever plans, Rick!"

"Finally!" Rick took out his portal gun and opened one up in the floor. "No time to waste, let's go!"

With that, he grabbed Morty's arm and jumped right in, the boy's scream cut off by the portal closing.

Summer huffed. "About damn time..."

Rick and Morty emerged from the other end of the portal in much the same way they went in, with Rick calmly landing on his feet while Morty screamed until he just barely managed to hit the ground with his feet first, wobbling slightly to keep his balance.

"Could you stop, uh, pulling me through portals, Rick?" he asked. "It makes it a lot harder to, you know, land on my feet."

"Shut up, Morty, look!" Rick said, pointing around him.

Their surroundings were entirely comprised of apple trees, each one packed with over a dozen of the bright red fruits. The apples themselves were a bit larger than normal apples, being big enough to almost not fit in one hand.

"See those apples, Morty?" Rick asked. "I need you to, uh, grab me, like, a bunch."

"Really, Rick? Apples? Why are we coming here just to do grocery shopping?" Morty picked a stray apple off the ground and looked at it. "Although, they do look kinda good, I guess..."

He was about to take a bite out of it, when suddenly Rick smacked it out of his hands.

"Wha- Hey, what the hell, Rick?!"

"Don't eat the apples," Rick said simply. "They have some chemical in it that causes a literal dependency on these specific apples. It wouldn't be so bad at first, but if you went about six months without having a single bite of another one, you would urp literally die, Morty."

"Wh- What?! Why would they do that, Rick?"

"I don't fuckin' know, they just grow like that," Rick answered. "Now come on, I still need you to grab some for me."

"Have you seen any signs of him since?"

"I'm afraid not, Celestia. It was like he just vanished into thin air."

Celestia put a hoof to her chin in thought. Across the table, Twilight shifted uncomfortably.

"You know, I never got to ask," Twilight eventually said, "why do you care about these creatures so much? I mean, sure, they appeared out of nowhere and then left just as quickly, but-"

"It is just the one creature," Celestia interrupted. "The taller one. Luna and I had not seen him for thousands of years."

Twilight balked. "He was here before? And that long ago?"

Celestia nodded. "It may take a while, but I would like to explain the true nature of that creature."

Twilight leaned forward, eyes sparkling with barely restrained joy.

By now, Rick had a full bag of apples, and Morty was busy removing various twigs and bits of leaves out of his hair.

"Jeez, Morty, have you never climbed a tree before?"

"We have computers and TV, Rick, why would I ever climb a tree for fun?"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Kids today, I urp swear..."

The two of them continued towards the same town they visited last time. Once they were close enough to clearly see the ponies, something occurred to Morty.

"Say, Rick, how come some of the ponies here are, like, unicorns and, um, pegasuses, like myths we have on Earth?"

"First, it's pegasi, Morty," Rick corrected, "second, it's a coincidence. You get infinite universes, some of them are bound to have another universe's bits as pieces of fiction."

"Huh, I guess that makes sense..."

"Plus, this dimension is basically an alternate version of our own, so there's that."

"Wait, what? Does that, uh, mean there's a, like, pony version of us here somewhere?"

"I dunno, maybe."

Unable to argue with such a response, Morty stayed quiet the rest of the way through the town, both of them ignoring the looks from nearby ponies.

"So, uh, Rick, what's the other thing we need?"

"A few pegasus feathers."

The moment he said that, every pegasus in earshot turned tail and flew away, screaming.

"Oh, dammit." Rick took a swig out of mild defeat.

"Well, you screwed that one up, Rick," Morty said, failing to not be smug.

"Shut up, Morty, we can still urp get results out of this." He snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "I know, we can visit your girlfriend again!"

Morty frowned hard enough to make a certain pink pony shiver uncontrollably, despite Rick's laughter. "Not funny, Rick."

"Haha, it's pretty damn funny, Morty! Want me to mathematically prove it to you?"

Morty just said nothing as Rick continued laughing, and soon they were once again at the same castle they arrived in last time.

"Shh, Morty, wait," Rick said, just as Morty was about to knock on the door. "Look over there."

Morty looked, which was hard not to do because of Rick moving his head for him, and he saw a blue pegasus sleeping on a low-flying cloud, its mane and tail very, very brightly rainbow hued.

"Uh, okay?" Morty said, confused. "What about it, Rick?"

"Don't you remember what I just urp said? We need pegasus feathers! Go get 'em, Morty!"

Morty's eyes went wide. "Rick! You can't just, like, send me after every pony you need something from!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Okay, jeez, I'll handle this one, then."

He started walking up to the sleeping pony, not bothering to be sneaky. When he got up to it, he nudged it awake.

"Huh... uh... what...?" she asked, groggily bringing her head up.

Rick didn't even answer as he pulled something out of his jacket and touched it to her, causing her to jerk wildly before falling off the cloud and hitting the ground, out cold.

Morty let out a small scream. "Oh my God, what the hell did you do, Rick?!"

"Calm down, I just tazed 'em," Rick explained, already kneeling down to take some feathers.

"Why would you do that?! You can't just taze people on the street like a, like a maniac!"

"Look, Morty, people have tried to kill us for far less than what we're doing here," Rick explained, pocketing a handful of feathers he grabbed. "The way I see it, we might as well keep going while we urp still have the culture difference excuse on our sides."

"What the hell are you talking about, Rick?!"

Twilight sat back, dumbfounded. "I... I had no idea, Celestia."

The white alicorn nodded sadly. "Now you know the truth. Which is why we must-"

Suddenly, the two heard shouting from outside. After a moment, Twilight's eyes lit up with recognition.

"Wait a second, that's the voice of the one that was with him!" she said.

The two raced to the nearest window, where they spotted those same two creatures, who appeared to be arguing about something while standing some distance away from an apparently sleeping Rainbow Dash, who appeared to have fallen off her cloud at some point, somehow.

Though Twilight had many questions, which seemed to be a constant with these two creatures at all times, Celestia's eyes narrowed. "Is Luna awake?"

"I am, sister," Luna answered from behind them, trotting up to the window as well. "Do we have a plan?"

"We could pull him inside and restrain him," Celestia offered. "At least long enough to get him to talk to us."

"...why wouldn't you just go out and talk to him?" Twilight asked. "Is he dangerous, or something?"

"No!" both princesses answered sharply, causing Twilight to shrink back.

Celestia looked away sheepishly. "I am sorry, Twilight, but... well, you understand, do you not?"

"I... yes I do, Celestia."

They all looked out the window just in time to see the taller being begin to pull something out of his jacket.

Twilight's eyes widened, and on reflex she extended her magic towards him, causing him to stop what he was doing and look at the glow surrounding himself worriedly, and they could faintly hear him shouting in surprise.

Twilight then quickly pulled him through the door, closing it once he was through. The other being let out his own scream, before running after his partner and beating on the door. The three princesses ignored him, however, in favor of the creature struggling against Twilight's magic hovering just off the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Rick asked, mostly directed at Twilight. "Put me down!"

"Not until you tell us some answers," Celestia said, walking into Rick's line of sight, causing him to cease struggling and shouting.

Slowly, Twilight released her magical hold, lowering Rick to the ground. When he didn't try to run away, she let go completely.

Luna now stood alongside her sister. Rick looked at them both, his face steady.

At that point, Morty managed to break down the (unlocked) front door. "Alright, let Rick go or I'll... I'll..."

He faltered at the sight of three princesses looking at him, as well as Rick, who was not struggling, being restrained, or even very angry, from the looks of things. "Hey, Morty," he greeted, nonchalantly.

"Well, it's been a long time, Celestia, Luna," he continued, nodding at both of them in turn. Morty said nothing, confused as to where this was going.

Celestia nodded back. "Indeed it has...