• Published 22nd Jun 2016
  • 9,507 Views, 423 Comments

Rick and Morty Do Equestria - The card holder



Equestria has resources not found in any other dimension, so of course an alcoholic, mean-spirited scientist would get in on that and drag his grandson along for the ride.

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Ricks Up Their Sleeves

Author's Note:

I'm at the point where I'm just trying to think up halfway-relevant puns for chapter titles, so don't expect much there anymore.

"Morty! Stop fucking whining and shoot them!"

"I- I'm trying, Rick! But they're too fast!"

"Shoot where they will be, not where they urp are!"

"This would be a lot easier if you would stop driving all over the place!"

Rick just rolled his eyes as he also rolled his car, evading another set of lasers from their pursuers. They were checking out another distress signal, and it turns out it was a trap set by space pirates, something which Rick pointed out had a one in ten chance of happening, anyway.

Morty didn't much care about the odds of the scenario, however, in favor of doing his best with the rear-mounted gun to keep them away. Though he never scored any hits, he did prevent the pirates from lining up a good shot by forcing them to keep performing evasive movements.

Eventually, though, Morty's half of the ship went quiet. "Morty, I'm not hearing shooting back there!"

"The- The gun's jammed, or something!"

Rick turned, and could see the barrel of the gun spitting out black smoke on the outside of the ship.

"God dammit, that's the last time I buy ship guns from Razzledroop Five..."

"W-w-what do we do, Rick?!"

"We're not going to die here, Morty," Rick said, already flipping several switches. "I got an idea, just hold onto something."

Getting back in the passenger seat and strapping himself in, Morty could only watch and try to hold in his stomach as Rick redoubled on his dodging, the pirates not ceasing in their pursuit.

One of them flew close to the top of the car, in an effort to ram them, but Rick dodged quickly, though recognition flashed on his face after doing so.

"Oh, shit, I know these guys," he said.

"What do you mean, you know them?!" Morty asked, already somewhat angry in preparation for Rick's response.

"I've run into them before, and it went about as well as expected. Plus, they can travel through dimensions, too, so we can't just zap ourselves home."

"Then where do we go?!"

Rick didn't answer for a bit, trying to think of a solution. Then, suddenly, he spotted his salvation up ahead. "Look at that, urp Morty! An asteroid field!"

"Why is that good?!"

"Because we can lose 'em in there!"

Before Morty could object any more, Rick careened right into the belt, now dodging both lasers and giant space rocks. Morty screamed the whole way, convinced that any moment could be the moment he dies.

Thankfully, the pursuers seemed to be having an equally hard time, and more than a few collided with an asteroid, reducing them to burning rubble in space.

A rather large asteroid lay ahead of them, and Rick took the chance. "Hold on, Morty, we're going in!"

"In?! Are you-"

Morty's whining was cut off as Rick sharply turned towards the asteroid, keeping just above the surface as if it were a really small planet.

The moment they entered a deep crater-slash-cavern on the rock, Rick quickly flipped several switches, and a glowing green portal was fired in front of them.

Even as they flew right through, Morty screamed the whole way.


Twilight Sparkle was having a good day. Spike and Starlight were back from Canterlot, she had just defeated a wild Ursa Major with the help of her friends yesterday, and she had finally managed to reorganize her entire library alphabetically by the authors' last letters in their names.

There was no way anything could go wrong today.

Recognizing that he was summoned to do his thing, Fate quickly got to work, and soon came up with the perfect plan to panic the pony princess.

A large green portal opened up in the air above the bookshelves, and before Twilight could realize that it looked familiar, a large unidentified object flew through, heading right for her. Twilight let out a yelp as she reflexively teleported away, ending up on the other side of the object. Her relief was short lived, however, as she could only watch in horror as the ship crashed right through all her hard work, scattering books and pieces of books everywhere.

Once the ship came to a stop, she ran up to it, just in time to see the cockpit open up and two very familiar figures to stumble out.

Morty was the first one out, looking like he just got off the world's worst roller coaster and was thankful to even be alive. Rick, as always, was nonchalant, and only took a swig from his flask as he hopped out of the ship.

"What?!" was the only thing Twilight's brain could manage to vocalize.

"Hey, Dwight, mind if we crash here a bit?" Rick asked, before suddenly smiling. "Heh, get it?"

Morty just looked at him. "Rick, that was terrible, for, like, a lot of reasons."

The door to the library burst open, and Starlight ran in with Spike on her back, both looking ready for either a fight or running away, depending on who you asked. "Twilight, are you okay?! We heard... a..."

Both of them could only stare at the new bipeds in the room, who looked back, mostly uninterested.

"Oh look, extras," Rick commented, taking another swig.

Starlight just looked back and forth between the three of them. "...Twilight? Who are they?"

Twilight chuckled nervously. "Well, you know about those strange... guests I said showed up while you were gone?"

Starlight eyed Rick uneasily, as he just looked around, seemingly bored. "Yes...?"

"Well..." Twilight smiled sheepishly and swept a hoof over the two. "Meet, er, Rick and Morty."

"H-Hey."

"Yo."

Starlight looked over the carnage behind them, as well as the crashed ship, and slowly nodded. "I'm just gonna go, to, uh... friendship problems."

She quickly dashed out of the room, leaving a confused Spike to fall on the ground, no longer on top of a pony. He just stared at the two humans, before following after Starlight. "Hey, wait up!"

Now that it was just the three of them, Rick turned back to Twilight. "So, Dwight, is that a yes?"

"My name is Twilight."

"That's not a no!"

Before she could raise any objections, Rick picked up a nearby fallen chair and sat in it, taking a deep drink from his flask.

Twilight just groaned, realizing that Rick likely wouldn't leave, even if she asked. "Why do you need to stay here, anyway?"

"Gotta lay low from some space pirates, we urp pissed them off."

"B-But Rick, couldn't we just, um, go home?" Morty asked.

"No can do, Morty. I've ran into these guys before, and they know what dimension I live in."

"W-What?!"

"Don't worry, this isn't the first time this happened, and they never involve innocents, even if they logically should. They're pirates, but they're morally upright pirates." He took another drink. "They'll just watch our house and hope we come back at some point, until they either get bored, or someone else pisses them off. They're, uh, very single minded."

"And about how long would this take?" Twilight asked, trying and failing to hide the irritation in her voice.

"Given the time disparity between our dimensions, I'd say... about a day here should be enough for the heat to die down."

Morty was just starting to calm down, but suddenly started to look nervous again. "Oh, Rick! What if, like, they follow us here?!"

"Don't worry, they can't track my every dimensional jump, and this dimension is far off the charted ones." Rick got up and walked over to the front of the car. "We'll be fine."

Twilight, meanwhile, was stuck on what he said. "Far off the charted... dimensions?"

She was ignored as Morty walked over to Rick. "What are you doing, Rick?"

"Trying to get the TV working," he answered, as if it was obvious.

"...you have a TV on the outside of the car?"

"I don't remember you being my urp mom, Morty," Rick countered.

"TV?" Twilight asked. "But how will you be able to get any stations? It's all cable here."

"One, that's terrible," Rick explained, finishing up whatever he was doing. "And two, I got this baby set up to pull shows from, like, every other dimension. It's pretty fuckin' sweet."

Now genuinely intrigued, Twilight trotted up just as Rick finished, and a screen extended from the ship. After a bit more fiddling, the screen turned on.

"Bingo!" Rick celebrated, reclaiming his seat. "Time to needlessly pander to the masses in the interest of padding out time with cheap comedy!"

"Wait, what-"

Twilight's question was cut off as Rick used a remote to change the channel.

"Are you tired of rampaging grumpleboxes ruining your zigzagros? Well, look no further than Stinky Pete's Insurance! We'll cover anything that could conceivably happen to your property, and then some!"

"My house was demolished by a gang of rowdy dinophradites, but thanks to Stinky Pete, now it's like nothing happened! ...except it smells."

"So come down to Stinky Pete's, where we, uh, replace your stuff and, well, stuff."

Twilight just stared in awe at the vast range of lifeforms and objects she just saw, trying and failing to comprehend it. Rick, meanwhile, just rolled his eyes. "Damn scam artists, the lot of those insurance people."

He once again changed the channel.

"Today, on How They Do It, we'll be looking at how Villizan machines are made. First, we-"

"Seen it," Rick interrupted the TV, as he changed the channel.

"Hey, I wanted to see that!" Morty complained.

"Well tough shit, it's my car, ergo my urp TV."

Twilight just said nothing as she kept watching the screen.

"From the people that brought you Ball Fondlers, comes a new show that we guarantee will blow your genitalia away: Pretty Little Horse Vampires."

As the screen showed an almost saccharine scene of boring characters, Rick scoffed. "Wow, that looks like shit. Who would want to see a show about multicolored horses doing multicolor horse things?"

"Well, Rick, maybe some people, uh, like that sort of thing, I guess?" Morty suggested.

"Well, they'd be fucking disgusting, if you ask me," Rick countered.

Twilight, meanwhile, suddenly felt very self-conscious for some reason.

"God, nothing's on!" Rick complained, as he quickly flipped through channels.

"What would you say about-"

"-only work on high-"

"-first, we need to talk about p-"

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"-right, let's check it out..."

"-with the all new-"

Eventually, Rick finally found something he decided was worth watching. "Oh, hell yes, Ball Fondlers is on!"

"Oh, sweet!" Morty said, grabbing his own chair and sitting next to Rick.

While the two of them basked in the sheer masculinity of the action onscreen, Twilight could feel her head starting to hurt. "Well, uh, I'll be... somewhere else."

"Yeah, cool, Dwight," Morty said, making Twilight frown as she walked out.

Back outside the ruined library, Twilight came face to face with Starlight, who was looking behind her, curious. "What are they...?"

"Watching TV," Twilight deadpanned, rolling her eyes.

"But... why are they here?"

"Apparently Rick, the tall one, made some pirates angry, and he's hiding out here for a little while."

Starlight looked between Twilight and the two humans. "Do you want me to get Spike, so you can tell the other princesses?"

Twilight thought for a bit. "No, I don't think that will be necessary." She didn't think dropping Rick's family ties onto Starlight would end very well, just yet...

Rubbing her head in frustration, Twilight walked past Starlight. "If you need me, I'll be having a drink."

"Wait... since when do you drink?"

"Since five minutes ago."

Starlight just watched Twilight slink away, before peeking back inside the library, where Rick and Morty were cheering after a particularly gory explosion on the TV.

Maybe she should start drinking, too...

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