Chapter: 13

by Chapter 13

[From Nothing] Writing Exercise

Author's Note:

Just a little exercise to help dust off the gears in my head. It's repetitive, but it was fun to write. Meh.

Do you know what it feels like to be nothing? To be a mind without a body; a soul without a form? It is odd. It doesn’t feel how you would expect, nor could I even properly explain it even if I tried. It’s just something that is simply beyond our comprehension -- like infinity. But that was what I was: Nothing. Not in the figurative meaning, but the literal one. How long I had been nothing, I couldn’t tell you. There was no time, as the was nothing to judge it by. Just… nothing. Would I be nothing forever? What was it like to be something? I felt like I was something, once, but I had no memory. I had no beginning. There was now. No past, no future. Only now.

Feeling.

It came to me like a fleeting thought. Suddenly, I could feel: touch, smell, taste, sight, sound. All of it. I felt none. I had nothing to touch. I had nothing to taste. I had nothing to smell. I had nothing to see. But they were there. The promise of feeling yet to come. It was odd, unexplainable. But so was everything. I was impossible. I was scared.

I was alone.

There was nothing, not even myself. Nothing could be more lonely. I would cry, but I had no tears. What were tears? I wanted to cry. Why did I want to cry?

I tried to think. I tried to remember. I needed to remember. What was I? Who was I? How did I get here? What was ‘here’? Questions without answers. Would I get them? Could I get them? Would I recognize them if I did? Would I understand them?

That was when I felt it: emotion. A foreign, yet welcoming feeling. It enveloped all that I was. It gave me something. But what did I feel? I gave it a name: Fear. It seem to fit. Was it a name that I made up, or did I just know it? Whatever the answer, fear overtook me.

Soon, I was blinded. It hurt. Was this what pain felt like? I had no eyes, but I could see. What were eyes? I tried to focus, but I couldn’t. I tried to stop it, yet I couldn’t. It was there. Light. It was a color, but what color? I gave it a name: black. It was overstimulating. It was painful. I liked pain; it made me feel.

I heard something. Sound. It was strange. It was quiet. I tried to give it a name, but there was too much. Unlike sight, sound was more complex. It wasn’t just a single color, but a millions of different, unique bits of informations happening at once. It was like a song. A symphony. What was music? It did not sound good, but I liked it. It was new.

I tasted something. Like sound, it was more complex. I wanted to give it a name. This time, I could: Sour. I felt something. It was like pain, but not. Repulsion? No, that did not feel right. Discomfort? That felt closer, but not right. I would question it further, later.

I smelt something. Everything seemed complex. So much hit me at once. Again, I felt that which was not pain, but was close. I chose discomfort, but it was not completely correct. I gave it a name: decay. More words came to mind; rot, death. It was a pungent odor that made me feel sick. What was sick?

I felt. I liked this one the best. It was not just complex, it was fulfilling. I felt complete, now. Like I was whole. But, unlike everything else, the feeling was pain. I welcomed pain. I did not like it. It hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted it to stop… yet, I didn’t. If there was no pain, there was nothing. I wish it was less.

That was when I felt it. Something was there, now. All my senses suddenly had an origin. Everything came into place. I had something, but I didn’t know what it was. I gave it a name: body. I had a body. It was complex; there was more too it. Hooves, head, legs. And much more. Much more. It was foreign, until it wasn’t. Everything made sense. I knew how to move. I knew how to feel. I knew how to use my ‘body’. But how? Why?

I saw something. It was more than black. Grey? I was learning new words. Or was I remembering them? It was hard to tell what I knew and what I remembered. Was there a difference? I felt like there was, but I couldn’t put words to it. Had I just not remembered them yet? The grey got more complex. More colors. Shapes. The colors made shapes. They were fuzzy, and shifted. Why did they shift? I wanted to blind, and I did. Nothing cleared.

The pain faded. It wasn’t a single feeling, anymore. It was like thousands of tiny feelings all wrapped into one. They painted a picture. They told me that I was wet. They told me that something was not right. They told me that I was in trouble. They told me that I was going to die.

More words filled my mind. Panic? I felt panic. Or was I panic? No, I felt panic. I told my body to panic, and it did. I felt my hooves shake. My head rattled. My voice tried to scream. I felt tired. Something was wrong. I felt like I was drowning, but I could breath. No, I didn’t breath. Something breathed into me. I was floating. Or was I suspended? Words seemed to tangle themselves together. Many things could mean one thing -- thousands of combinations all meant the same thing. Which one did I pick? Was there a wrong choice? Or, was there just a more right choice?

I tried to focus. But what should I focus on? So much was happening. I had gained so much. I tried to feel. It was the loudest. I felt my body. Everything hurt. Everything was sore. But parts of me hurt more. My chest. My chest hurt. Pain radiated from something in my chest. Or did it stick out of it? A name popped out from the feeling: tubes. Yes. That was what I felt. Tubes protruded from myself. From my chest. They hurt. They were unnatural. I didn’t want them there. I wanted them gone. Could I remove them? I felt more. I felt something else. It came from my mouth. It was another tube. Why were there so many tubes?

I tried to panic again. It hadn’t worked the first time, but I needed to do it again. Why did I need to panic? Did I want to panic? I was tired. Panicking made me tired. I wanted to rest. Sleep. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to dream. I wanted more.

I had more.

I focused more. Sound. I focused on sound. Hearing. I heard. It pulsed. Garbled vibrations surrounded me. I had no words for it. Were their words for it? Should I create my own? Buzz. Buzz sounded right. Did what made me feel wet make this sound?

A new feeling hit me. It was strange. I felt it in my ears, but it was not sound. Balance. It told me that I was moving. Tilting? That felt right. It was tilting. Shifting. Falling. My body moves, but I did not command it. It just happened. I felt pain. Pain made more sense, now. It radiated from my muzzle, chest, and where all the tubes where. They tugged at my body. More pain. I did not welcome this pain.

I felt something else. It was not a sense. It was not a feeling. I gave it a name: regret. I regretted something. Could I have prevented the pain? It hurt. It hurt a lot. It pulsed from my head. Sight began to fail me. So did touch. So did sound. So did smell. I felt something. Tired. I felt tired. I felt sleep. I drempt. I learned. I remembered...