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“Because an illusion is an illusion. Reality always exists despite the facade." - Kasie West
On this particular day, in this particular time, a stain braves the winds of the Equestrian North. Despite her impending death, she stands strong. That is, until the facade breaks...
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Yikes, that is dark. Have a like.
5791010 I'm a huge fan of Chryssie, but I can't deny she has a dark side to her.
I'm considering making a sequel, but only if there is a demand.
~ Neon Lights
Nice. Short and sweet.
Oh, this is nice.
It definitely needs some editing, though.
It's too fast. There's a lot of dialogue-and don't take me wrong, that's not a bad thing- but in this case it seems to take away from Chrysalis's feelings. It needs some more inner thinking, something to show more of how Chrysalis is feeling. We need more time to really feel what she's going through, otherwise her transformation into 'the monster' feels rather... empty.
And now it's really quite late and I should probably go to bed.
That ending kind of rushed? Not sure how different describe it
5792800 Oddly enough, it was supposed to be rushed. I wanted to leave a lot to the imagination, and only show the basics.
~ Neon Lights
5793217
Then it didn't worked like that
5792182 If this story seems rushed, then that means I did it properly. I wanted it to be rushed, but also show the story in as few words as possible. It was supposed to leave a lot to the imagination, allowing the reader to answer the questions it left. I wanted people to think, imagine, and create the rest of the story.
That was the challenge I set for myself when I wrote this, actually. The ending was rushed only because it was her accepting her demon, and it was supposed to happen really fast.
~ Neon Lights
5793238 Oh? How do? I'm actually curious.
~ Neon Lights
5793255
Its not about kicking out descriptions or overall action but about "open/untold ending" like you did with Luna thinking about relations. But that compression of everything just make it without real impact, its should be like end but its felt in reality like you cut story in half.
But you know its just my opinion :P
5793364 ...Damn, well spoken. Well, I need to hit the drawing board. I'm gonna see if I can think of a way to fill in the missing areas and make the story feel more complete. I did write this story, shockingly, almost a year ago, so my writing has changed since then.
Thank for you comment! It's actually been really helpful!!!
~ Neon Lights
5793364 Possible new ending:
Chrysalis smiled, not a happy smile, not an evil smile, but an empty smile as she trotted towards the door to her room, opened it, and trotted out.
The room was quiet, void of almist any signs of life. But, soon a soft cry filled the air. It was almost a whisper, and could be mistaken for the wind, but it was there. In one of the glass shards on the floor was a broken, sad looking Chrysalis...
It's more of a draft then anything, but I wanted to see if you guys felt that it gave more of a... completeness to the story.
Please, tell me what you think.
~ Neon Lights
5794595
Uh wait ... I think I make mistake, that second comment of mine was completly to different story. Now I don't even remember what I wanted to say about this story. I'm not sure how I mistaken 2 different stories xD
5796933 Well, it coincidently make sense, so I can see where you could've gotten confused. And considering I have another story about Luna, I figured you were comparing this to that. Strange how a comment for a completely different story somehow works, yus?
~ Neon Lights
5793249
It's alrigt to try and write a shorter story, but if you do, you have to balance the dialogue and the... Well, everything else, really. The amount of dialogue you have now would be okay if you were to add in some more inner thinking and some more details about the setting, but if you want to keep it at this length you should probably cut out some of the dialogue. I feel like Chrysalis's "monster" talks more than she needs to- a lot of what she says could be edited or removed entirely, and it would be a lot more open.
And I just want to say- this isn't a bad story. It's very interesting, and it's a nice take on Chrysalis's character- I like seeing 'behind the scenes' stories on her, because the way the invasion was written in the show seemed a little odd to me, and she didn't get much development. I really enjoyed reading this.
And suddenly it's late again. How do I keep doing this?
5800043 Okay, that makes sense.
Thanks for your input, you really helped me on this one ^_^
And as for the late thing... Dude, who sleeps anymore?
~ Neon Lights
5803160
Only those of us who have to get up at 6:30 every morning.
And you're welcome for the feedback. I'm glad I could help.
Aww... poor Chrysalis.
5835768 Yes... Weep for best bug-pony!
~ Neon Lights
Just to make it clear. Is it "old" Chrysalis that returned? Or what? Also, Who is it that overtook her in the first place? Doubts or greed(bad side of personality)? I just have difficulty understanding it fully.
5840193 It was the old chrysalis that returned, yes.
Warning! My be considered a spoiler:
Well, my head cannon is that changelings are effected by emotions much more then you think. My theory is that changelings are ruled by their most dominant emotion. In the begining, it was hope and happiness, which was taken over by anger and sadness.
Basically, it's kinda like a Nightmare Moon like transformation. Luna was taken over by jealousy, and Chrysalis was taken over by anger and sadness brought by here inability to provide for her hive. Anger took over because it felt like it could get the job done better then hope, and, in the bonus chapter, you see that anger was wrong.
Hope that clears thing up. If not, then tell me and I'll try and clarify better.
Thanks for the comment, and I hope that you enjoyed the story ^_^
~ Neon Lights
5840251 No, everything is clear now, thanks. Well, that's an interesting theory. The story was really good. Although, right now I really want her to survive. Too bad, we can't have what we want every single time... (I'm also talking about her wishing to succeed)
5840278 Hehe... Who said she was dead?
~ Neon Lights
5840287 Is she gonna be found out? Is she gonna find strength to survive on her own? She is not dead on the end of the story, but I don't see her hanging around the land of living for long...
5840360 The sequel, my friend, will answer all of your questions. I'm planning on having the sequel being one chapter, but around 10k words, if it turns out how I plan it to be, at least. I wrote the Bonus because I got the idea for the sequel, and couldn't resist giving everyone a teaser that would make them not expect one. From your reaction, I know I have succeeded!
Spoiler, because I can't resist:
Luna when through Nightmare Moon, and is in charge of the dream world... I wonder if she'll have enough sympathy to help out another who has been consumed by an emotion???
~ Neon Lights
remain
/maniaclelaughter
Dark and sad...with true meaning behind the tags.
Well done.
we do face our own demons. its true
so many years of locked away emotion inside me... a true demon resides within.
my body is at constant war with my mind, in which my mind would see the destruction of humanity, and all life on this planet. a true embodiment of pure hate and anger.
but it fights with a side of me that would not hurt a fly, a side that wants to see happiness in others, even if i get hurt. a pure side that wont let others get hurt.
i am constantly dealing with this conflict. and both have even ground in the fight. but i cannot keep them at bay for too much longer. i just hope that darker side wont win... for humanity- no all life's- sake...
Poor Chryssie.
Poor Chryssie... But at least her two sides came to some form of an understanding.
7180597 Remember: there's a sequel!
And thanks for the read. Really appreciate that.
~ Neon Lights
I like this idea of her two halves facing for control, her Id and Superego meeting face to face. Have yourself a thumbs up! And for the sequel too. Not got as far as the sequels sequel yet though... Reading job for tomorrow.
You can has review!
The original never felt... right, really, as the prequel to Eyes in The Abyss. So, I fixed it! Have some horsewords!