At some point, we've all wondered what it would be like if we could meet our favorite fictional character. (Yes, you. Don't worry, you can admit it. I'm a paragraph on a website, I don't judge.) Maybe it was Harry Potter, or or whoever your favorite member of the Mane 6 was. Maybe you've thought about what you would actually do if you actually got to meet them. No matter how you'd think it would go, I can personally attest that if the magical alicorn princess of the night suddenly decides to show up inside your home without warning, you will probably react something like this:
First, you will go through your memories of the past few hours, just to make sure you didn't accept candy from a questionable stranger at some point that day.
If the answer is "no," you will probably stare at said no-longer fictional character, waiting for them to do something. To her credit, Luna really didn't react to me while I was ogling her, other than following my gaze when I walked around her. In hindsight, I probably should have at least introduced myself. Or done something other than have a staring contest.
At some point, I'm still not sure exactly how long it took me, you will work up the courage to reach out and touch them. The area my hand happened to find was Luna's mane, which still seemed like it was an animated oil painting up close. It didn't feel like hair, I couldn't even feel any individual hairs. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, it felt… viscous, sort of oily, but without the wetness, and it didn't stick to my hand. It definitely felt real enough.
So, to recap, a My Little Pony character was in my house, sitting on the floor while I stuck my fingers into her mane. I'm not exactly a diplomat, but I'm pretty sure that this was not the best way to introduce humanity to an alien diarch who has the power to control the moon in her home world. I stepped away from Luna and pulled out my phone. I needed somebody else here, to make sure I wasn't going completely and utterly insane. I wasn't sure who I was planning to call. Maybe Sara, maybe my parents, maybe the police. Well, no. I never did consider calling the police. I doubt they really would have helped. Regardless, I never got the chance. Nothing I had done before grabbing my phone had caused any real reaction from her, but that did. A spark of - was that fear? - shone in her eyes. Ponies’s faces are far more expressive than a normal horse’s, or even a person. It must have been fear. "Wait!" she whispered forcefully, taking a half step towards me. She was cautious, as if she was afraid of scaring me away, but was also worried about the the device in my hand. To her, I was a bunny holding a shotgun. Apparently, there was something about my phone that scared the Princes of Night enough that a second after she saw it, I felt a tugging from it and the phone went sailing across the room, coming to a stop next to the wall opposite me, seemingly uncracked. When Luna spoke again, she was visibly tensed up, as if she expected a monster to pop out of my phone. Actually, given what Equestria is like and how little she knows about Earth, that's not a bad guess.
"You… you probably shouldn't use that," she stated in what sounded like a subdued version of the Royal Canterlot Voice that was still loud enough to make the closest window vibrate. Hopefully, none of the neighbors noticed. “O-okay..." I managed to stammer out. The last thing I needed was to inadvertently doom the entire planet to annihilation because I scared an extraterrestrial world leader. "...Do you want..?" Think! Something I could grab in a few minutes that an alicorn would like! "...Coffee?" was the first thing that came to mind. Luna went wide-eyed. "You have coffee?" she asked, grinning like a five-year-old in a toy store.
And that was how, five minutes later, Princess Luna was sitting on my couch, still staring at me. I was utterly mesmerized as Luna grabbed a cup of coffee I made with her telekinesis. I didn't feel anything unusual when she grabbed the cup out of my hand, which made my second observation even stranger: there was no visible sign of what she was doing. She didn't have a glow-y field around the mug, not even her horn lit up. The entire time I was getting the drink, I don't think she ever stopped staring at me. She hadn't spoken since asking for coffee. It was honestly starting to get unsettling. Luna started drinking from the mug in small sips, as if wanting to savor it, then giving up and chugged the rest of the drink in one long gulp. Once she put it down, she went straight back to looking at me. At this point, I was struggling to think of something to say to her, and it looked like she was doing the same thing. Apparently, Luna decided on what to say first.
“You should probably sit down.” She pulled herself off the couch, and I took her place. As soon as she sat down on the floor, she continued. "My name is Princess Luna. I have no doubt you already know this, but I am not from your world. Six years ago, I Returned to ruling my nation, Equestria, after a long exile. Shortly after I regained power, I began looking at Earth." I must have looked more scared than I felt, because Luna seemed to soften her tone. "N-not for conquest, if that is what you are afraid of. I don't want anything from your species - hoo-mans? Is that what you call yourselves?" I coughed. "Humans." I responded. "Humans? Yes?" I nodded. "All right. In any case, I don’t want anything to do with Earth. I only came here tonight for one reason." She took a few steps closer to me. "And we're looking right at it."
Maybe if this was all just hypothetical, I could have come up with some collected, informative response on behalf of the human race. It wasn't, though. This was real, and so I said the only thing I could think of: "Why me?"
For the first time since I saw her, Luna broke her gaze. Staring off into some random point in the distance, she started to speak. I'm not even sure she was talking to me, just letting out a painful memory. "We... we had a child. When they were just a yearling, we lost them. For years, we never saw them, were never able to find them. It was like our child just vanished off the face of the world." She turned back to face me. Her muzzle was streaked with tears. "Until-" her voice cracked - "until now."
Perhaps, given Luna’s emotional state, I was too demanding with my response, but let's be honest, would you have reacted any differently? I sat down on the couch. "Wait. You're telling me that you had a long-lost son, and it's somehow me, despite me having two biological human parents who both have no idea who or even what you are?" I buried my head in my hands. In hindsight, maybe I was being too critical - I mean, I was hearing this from what I thought until about twenty minutes ago was a fictional character from a television show intended for six-year-old girls. I was asking quite a bit for something. - anything, really, at this point - to make sense.
I felt an appendage wrap around me from the side. It was warm and sort of prickly, almost... feathery? I turned my gaze back to Luna. During my small outburst over the sheer insanity she had wreaked upon me since appearing in my house, she had apparently gotten back onto the couch and scooted over to me, then wrapped her left wing around me like a child's safety blanket. "Well, no. That... isn't quite right." Her tone was calm, like I was a little animal Fluttershy was trying to calm down, even though we were both about the same size. She took a deep breath, then continued. "I didn't have a son." Her voice started breaking again. "I... I had a daughter."
I shut my eyes, trying to process everything that she was saying. Let's see: a princess of Equestria, from a cartoon show I watch, suddenly appeared in my house. She then told me that I was somehow her long-lost daughter, despite me being an 18 year old man with two very present parents, not to mention that Luna had been on the moon for the past thousand years, assuming the show was recent history from her perspective. What's next, am I an alicorn or something? How are you even supposed to respond to the kind of information she gave me?
"I have an... offer for you," said Luna, derailing my train of thought before I could find an answer. She said it in a flat voice, like she’d rehearsed it.
Luna paused, as if waiting for a reaction from me. When none came, she continued. She tried to hide it, but she was clearly upset. I'm still not sure if it was with me, with Celestia, or with herself. Or maybe all three. "You can come home. To Equestria. As a mare. You will have the privileges of a noble, have quarters in the castle with a private teacher to bring you up to speed with Equestrian life, and live as my daughter.”
I didn't respond at first. I had to judge what was going on. "And...if I don't?" I asked, trying to figure out how to answer her.
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. A single tear trickled down her cheek. "If..." her voice caught, and she made a noise that sounded like a horse had choked while trying to gargle. I couldn't tell if it was a whinny or a sob. "If you turn down our offer, we will erase your memory of tonight. Our paths will never again cross, and we... we will leave you to carry out your human life - here."
That was clearly too much for her to take, and she buried her head in my chest, sobbing softly. If she really thought I was her child whom she hadn't seen in years, it must have been a pretty emotional night for her, especially if I couldn't remember anything from Equestria. It almost felt like a large dog was pushing itself against my chest, so I did the first thing that came to mind. Luna was considerably lighter than me, as I found when I pulled her into my lap, and started rubbing her belly. That seemed to calm her down quite a bit. Well, at least, the sobbing stopped. That's a step.
Now what? Luna was asking a lot from me. Emigrating to a magical world inhabited by magical ponies was going to have consequences, and those consequences could be terrible. Even Especially if I was the daughter of one of their rulers.
Daughter. Odd that that stuck out so specifically. An alien princess from a children's cartoon who claimed I was somehow her child was currently sitting in my lap while I petted her like a dog. In that context, anything else is kind of a minor detail. Even besides the loss of species, I had a pretty good future ahead here on Earth. Guaranteed acceptance to an Ivy League college, a moderately attractive girlfriend, a 3.9 GPA, the works. The idea of throwing all that away after a fifteen minute conversation under ordinary circumstances was... troubling, to say the least. But Luna appearing in my home was definitely not what I would call “ordinary circumstances.” Maybe, looking back, if I wasn't put on the spot like this, I would have had a different reaction. Then again, if I'm really being honest with myself, I made up my mind the second she said I could come with her.
When I looked back at her, Luna was a little bit more collected. Or, more accurately, she was no longer crying. I cleared my throat. "Luna?" I called for her gently. She didn't move most of her body, just rotated her head to face me with a range of neck motion no horse on Earth possessed. Her eyes were still wet, but not bloodshot. That was odd. I brushed a few tears off of her face. She wasn't saying anything. Sometimes, I wonder if I should have done what I did. Literally every problem I've since had in my life, I was dragged into by those three words. In the end, though, I never would have said anything else.
"I'll do it."
And thus the story begins. I'll be watching.
Ditto but graaa I need more readings to appease me.
I... what? I'm trying here, I really am. I'm going to continue reading, but so far, two chapters in, this story is wanting quite a bit. Luna shows up, says "you're my daughter, come back with me", and that's IT? I mean, you'd think either of them would have more to say about it. Why would she expect Chris to believe this? Why would Chris agree after exchanging about three sentences apiece? He obviously doesn't believe it for obvious reasons. She says "you are my less-than-six-year-old daughter who disappeared". As he's pointed out, he's an 18 year old human male with two biological parents. Is she not going to address this? Like, why does she think it's him? Does she have evidence? Is there a story there? Anything? Maybe she's going to explain on the way, next chapter? Okay, sure. But realistically for any given person, there wouldn't be a "on the way" because no one would just say, "yeah sure" on so little. I... I just can't see this happening, and the story seems to be skipping all setup in a rush to get to where its going. I'm going to keep at this in the hope it improves, so please prove me wrong.
Soooo... throw away a perfectly good life, abandon girlfriend and family, don't even try to negotiate the sex/species-change to accept the offer of a fictional horse-princess, who claims she's your mother despite the obvious biological/temporal/spatial/logical inconsistencies in her story/claim, and go to live with her as a magical pony princess in a different dimension with absolutely no questions asked, people talked to, or time asked for to consider the absolute mindfuck you've be dropped and the monumental decision she's asking of you?
Sure, seems legit.
Insanity pure insanity, even my Draconequss character thinks so!!
7349953 What? Stuff like that happens often enough. Sure it may be unusual for someone to just pack everything up and move out into the wilderness on a whim but it does happen. This would just be an extension of that. Sanity is a myth propogated by psycologists so they can earn large amounts of money while doing little to actually earn it.
So any one going to comment on the erasing memory thing? Because for all we know this is could be the hundredth time she asked and this is the first time it worked.
7350347 yeah, this is why we all need to be properly skeptical when faced with extremely unlikely circumstances. Alternatively, realizing that we're trapped in the wrong end of loop means we might as well accept now to save her effort, unless we go down the rabbit hole of recursion and ask what effect her seeing us as persistent could be. heck, we don't even know if this is the end point of a loop, or a startpoint that might never happen.
there are too many variables, and this is not the story for such blatant insanity.
In case you are completely ignorant about the rules of writing dialogue, two different characters can't speak in the same paragraph. A different character than the one that spoke already can only speak again once a new paragraph has begun.
Also, at the start of that, it should be "Thou should not use thy tablet..." Trust me, I know how to use the older English correctly. I actually attempted to study some of the various words, and we have occasionally slipped into such a manner when typing.
7350641 are you autistic?
7350997
No, hes not.
Hes actually right. How ever not many people care about the writing, as long as its readable.
(imo)
Again, paragraphs six and eight need to be broken-up here. At least you're making an effort with the rest of the chapter.
That's not straight A's.
7351588 Could be A-'s.
7350641 While I wouldn't have given said advice in such a harsh manner, he does have good points.
Each characters' respective talking points should be their own paragraph. If the characters start talking to each other in the same paragraph, such as the conversation you have between Luna and the human, it can get confusing and difficult to interpret for the reader.
Concerning your use of thee, it can be difficult to distinguish it from thou, but hopefully this can clear some things up. Thou is nominative, while thee is objective. I'd rather not go into a longer winded explanation, so maybe this and this will help.
Here are some examples of their use:
"Thou art ready for thine trials?"
"We have been watching thee for quite some time," the goddess said to him.
This would be the correct use of spacing between speakers and of the use of thou/thee.
If you're ever confused on something, or just don't know for sure, be careful where you tread. It never hurts to look something up, or even do some research, and remember "New speaker, new paragraph."
7351101 In some cases, that can be true, however, that hurts our chance to improve and dissuades us from becoming better writers.
7349937 Von Snootingham is right (love that name by the way). You are rushing too much too fast to get to the point where your character is in Equus, and because of that, so much is being left out of the story. This rush is creating plot holes and things that just don't seem right. Why would he want to leave everything behind? Is he actually incredibly unhappy with his life among humans? (There's actually been a few stories that have done that.) Is he being being abused by his parents and that's why he has such good grades, to get out of the house as fast as possible? (That could be an explanation of why he has that sort of girlfriend.) And furthermore, why isn't he a pony? Why isn't he asking about not being a pony? *chuckles* Is he under some kind of spell? *sudden realization* Is this Luna actually a Changeling!? Is She Trying To Send Him Away To Replace Him!!? THAT'S HER PLAN ISN'T IT!!!? Once she takes his place she'll start slowly assuming control, and when she unknowingly becomes President I'll blame you narrator. You inadvertently caused the destruction of the world. How. Does. That. TASTE!
Now I hope you see how not giving proper exposition can lead to the story being difficult and even impossible to follow when not everything is there. Pip pip cheerio and have a nice day. *Tips top hat and jumps through a hole*
Well that's interesting definitely not what i expected but then again if me and luna were together we would probably plan to overthrow her sister....... I mean plan a big surprise for celestia.. "Luna quick hide the bomb"
7352247 To which Luna says, "GET BEHIND ME THOU NIGHTMARE!!!"
(She's tried that before. It didn't go well.)
7350997
Do you know what 'autistic' means?
I would have preferred an explanation before he agreed.
Wow...
You didn't even try to explain why an average man would drop absolutely everything he had to go change sexes and be a horse for the rest of his life with no warning.
You didn't even make out like he hated his life. In fact, you made it quite clear that he had everything a man his age could possibly want.
This is an impressive level of utter contrivance.
7456236 Agreed. I got to the bottom and realized I couldn't finish this piece. Motivation is key to making people care about characters and I don't understand this guy's motivations at all so I can't bring myself to care, especially after the near sue-ish living conditions he already had.
7350641 I noticed that as well. Though Whilst I did not study old English, I grew up reading the KJV Bible. While not completely old English, it does hold some old English in it. Which allows me to somewhat accurately know what thou sayst.(And this, twas not proper usage of old English, I am quite sorry about that, my compatriot)
7456236 I know! The more I read about how much of a good life he had the more out of place it felt for him to just drop everything. Lets face it, even if you lived in a dump, you would have a lot of questions here! He didn't voice his question of if he was an alicorn or not, He didn't ask if he could think about it or if she could wait and talk to his human parents about this too, he didn't even ask if same sex couples were a thing in Equestria. And for a guy that's attracted to girls that's about to changes genders, I'm pretty sure that last one is an important question! I know I wouldn't want to go to Equestria as potential royalty if it mean't changing genders and being married off to a noble stallion, because lets face it, ever single noble is going to either approach him/her, send their sons after him/her, or approach Luna in an attempt an arrange a marriage.
The olden days are way scary, yo!
7456236
Yeah, this is a little unbelievable, though fairly par for the course for this type of story.
Why would someone give up the only family they've known, all the friends they have, the only world they know, and their sex on the unverified word of someone they don't even really know? And especially when said someone reacts to a phone so negatively, meaning she doesn't want this getting out, even if it's just other individuals who will be affected by this decision, meaning she has something to hide.
And a whole chapter describing the changes in what some might call excruciating detail. No thanks.
7350997 If you knew the slightest thing about Autism, you wouldn't be using it in that manner. I'm sure a lot of people would appreciate it if you keep those ignorrant comments to yourself.
Oh my god… I think I just came up with the ultimate Omake for this chapter. Oh, dear God, I can't stop laughing!
Okay, here we go.
OMAKE:
That concludes this third-party Omake!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shamefully sit in the corner and think about what the hell I've just done.
What the—DEADPOOL!!! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING MY COMPUTER WITHOUT MY SAY-SO?!?
*Gulp* Uh, sorry, kiddies! Gotta go!
7352121
...a few stories that have done that..
...a few stories...
...few...
...few...
*squints*
...
*Can't tell if commenter is serious or being intentionally facetious...*
7350347
Interesting idea. This would imply that it might have started with when she first saw her in the dream. Only problem would be why he would accept it now, if he didn't accept it many times before. I could have understood it, if something went wrong with his life, like a break-up with his girlfriend, but seeing how everything seemed to be perfect for him it would be strength if this was indeed not the first time. Well, maybe the tears were the convincing point this time? Maybe the conversation always ended befor she could break down? That could be a possibility.
Be very careful with 4th-wall breaks. They have the potential to be incredibly hilarious and fun to use (especially with the pink one), but if done wrong can collapse a story's pull and leave the reader confused and disoriented.
7746395 Fourth wall break isn't exactly the right term. The idea is the narrator is writing this down an indefinite amount of time after the fact, and occasionally inserting commentary. Sill, point taken.
Well, this is going to end being a terrible, horrible journey isn't it?
I hope that the main char has the power to have their own will. This nearly sounds like he maybe would rope himself into adventures, romances and everything else against his will, with no control over his actions once he is going into mlp. I hope you meant it different, because enough people already take the willpower from their main chars, if I can say it like this.
You mean "I am Princess Luna."
You don't say "My name is the President" you know.
Her name is Luna, and she is a princess.
I've always imagined that Princess Luna is my ...... Mother . Even thou I am human and like your human male character I am Eck male . I on the inside feel female and as a mare . I wish I were in your shoes . I don't have a mother or an adopted mom . ( Both have died ) I am an orphan foal.