We've all wanted to be a part of our favorite stories. Hoping for an acceptance letter from Hogwarts, or maybe a run-in with James Bond. So when I got a chance to be a part of my favorite story, I never considered saying no - even if I knew there would be a few strings attached. I was expecting just about anything, but not being Princess Luna's long-lost chil...
Wait. Did she just say "daughter?"
Contains a (mostly) implied backstory some may find disturbing, HiE, TF/TG, my first attempt at writing, and an extremely self-aware narrator. Hi.
EDIT 7/1/16: Umm... wow. A feature on the first story I ever wrote. Thanks, everypony! More to come!
Cover art by Dividedby-ZER0.
Chapters (5)
You have my interest.
*clicks to chapter 2*
And thus the story begins. I'll be watching.
Ditto but graaa I need more readings to appease me.
I saw a thing in the description then I faved it xP
I saw a new chapter then I all time faved it.
Not bad, and click tracking.
When is the next update?!
Alright, I just read chapter one, but I need to tell you this now.
If there is a new speaker... MAKE IT A NEW PARAGRAPH!
Seriously, a lot of good stories are considered bad because people can't figure out who is talking in a paragraph.
I've read a story with this same concept before but the Luna in your version has handled things so much better good show
I need to ask; did the spell transform the various enzymes and such in his body, making her an herbivore, or does she still possess her former omnivorous diet? Did she keep her superior human endurance, as a fundamental trait from ancestral hyper specializing in pursuit predation? Or has she traded it for the comparatively lackluster equine long-distance endurance? Is she now as oblivious to everything (esp. falsehoods) as everypony else, or is her human cunning intact? There are so many things that could give her an advantage! That's why I like to compare us humans with the Yugoloths of Yith; an observer race, that might swap mind with natives to better understand, and have some context for what they've seen... But make them universal, with Infinite Universe/Everett's Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics as a thing, and you have what could essentially be humanity...
Okay so... I liked it a lot. Very well-written and a unique take on fairly formulaic HiE fiction. My problem is just how easily he made the decision to throw his human life away in favor of a new one in Equestria. Are you telling me a grown man with a loving family, a supportive girlfriend, and decent education prospects would cast that all aside because Luna turned on the waterworks? He asked no questions, he just agreed because he's a brony. I can't wrap my head around how unlikely that is.
Here's a thought: since traveling from Earth to Equestria and back seems to be pretty easy, why not make hi-her long term goal establishing first contact between the two species? If I got the gift of ponies I wouldn't just keep it to myself.
I feel I like this chapter a bit more than the last, the last seemed rushed? It felt a lot like 'here i am so yes or no'.
I... what? I'm trying here, I really am. I'm going to continue reading, but so far, two chapters in, this story is wanting quite a bit. Luna shows up, says "you're my daughter, come back with me", and that's IT? I mean, you'd think either of them would have more to say about it. Why would she expect Chris to believe this? Why would Chris agree after exchanging about three sentences apiece? He obviously doesn't believe it for obvious reasons. She says "you are my less-than-six-year-old daughter who disappeared". As he's pointed out, he's an 18 year old human male with two biological parents. Is she not going to address this? Like, why does she think it's him? Does she have evidence? Is there a story there? Anything? Maybe she's going to explain on the way, next chapter? Okay, sure. But realistically for any given person, there wouldn't be a "on the way" because no one would just say, "yeah sure" on so little. I... I just can't see this happening, and the story seems to be skipping all setup in a rush to get to where its going. I'm going to keep at this in the hope it improves, so please prove me wrong.
Soooo... throw away a perfectly good life, abandon girlfriend and family, don't even try to negotiate the sex/species-change to accept the offer of a fictional horse-princess, who claims she's your mother despite the obvious biological/temporal/spatial/logical inconsistencies in her story/claim, and go to live with her as a magical pony princess in a different dimension with absolutely no questions asked, people talked to, or time asked for to consider the absolute mindfuck you've be dropped and the monumental decision she's asking of you?
Sure, seems legit.
Is this a writing shortcut you just forgot to take out and complete? Or are you yada-yada'ing your own story? Because if it's the first it'ss an understandable if sloppy mistake in the editing process. If it's the second, then that's pretty terrible storytelling.
I don't know, dude, you didn't seem to have a problem with it. You only took a minute to agree and you didn't even have any explanation beyond "Grab my tail! Let's gooooooooo!"
This story: orig03.deviantart.net/1985/f/2011/210/e/3/grab_princess_celestia_by_stephainestarfire-d4218r7.jpg
7349507
Yes, exactly my problem, I did have to scroll up and check for a dark tag because I can think of no reason for someone with a perfectly good life to say yes so quickly, and with so few questions and no conditions or caveats, besides mind-control/strong mental influence. If he was deeply unhappy or was abused I could see it but he just accepts her story instantly and willingly switches not only species but also genders, he's shown no signs of gender confusion so it makes no sense, if this situation happened to me I would be negotiating the exact terms of the whole thing for hours and then getting Luna to sign the agreement in blood and magic plus leaving a timed message of some sort if in case she's evil as well as demanding some way to communicate back home, he's plainly aware of fanfic's and therefore that there's a good chance she's actually pure evil or even literally the Devil (the multiverse is a big place) and he's just signed over his soul. Heck she's an alien she could not even be 'evil' but she could just as easily have a orange-blue morality.
Insanity pure insanity, even my Draconequss character thinks so!!
7349953 What? Stuff like that happens often enough. Sure it may be unusual for someone to just pack everything up and move out into the wilderness on a whim but it does happen. This would just be an extension of that.
Sanity is a myth propogated by psycologists so they can earn large amounts of money while doing little to actually earn it. 
7348798
Bit longer than 12 hours, I'm afraid. This was the last chapter I had ready. It's probably going to be a week or two, but I hope you'll think it's worth it.
7350027 What?
Some people do move out to wilderness on a wim because they're tired of all the normal.
7350090
Sure, I can get over his accepting her offer but the total lack of caution, questions, or conditions is apocalyptically thoughtless and short-sighted. Plus those guys who go into the wilds typically aren't 18 year old in high-school with no major issues in their lives and excellent future prospects, they also don't become a female squirrel as part of the package.
Heck even his letter to explain to his loving, biological family sounds exactly like one from someone brainwashed into joining a cult. "Hey Mom, I got a great opportunity that could last for the rest of my life but it requires my dropping off the face of the Earth with only this vague letter to explain my disappearance and you may never see me again but don't worry. I'm where I want to be."
Before I read, I'm gonna assume, an average human is the daughter of a cartoon character she thought was a cartoon character?
EEEWWWWWW Kraft has the WORST Mac & cheese!!
7350227
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So any one going to comment on the erasing memory thing? Because for all we know this is could be the hundredth time she asked and this is the first time it worked.
Okay, I'm willing to play along, for now, but I'll have you know I nearly stopped entirely when I saw this:
You kind of mangled Luna's speech registers all across the board, but this got a visible flinch out of me.
7350347 yeah, this is why we all need to be properly skeptical when faced with extremely unlikely circumstances. Alternatively, realizing that we're trapped in the wrong end of loop means we might as well accept now to save her effort, unless we go down the rabbit hole of recursion and ask what effect her seeing us as persistent could be. heck, we don't even know if this is the end point of a loop, or a startpoint that might never happen.
there are too many variables, and this is not the story for such blatant insanity.
In case you are completely ignorant about the rules of writing dialogue, two different characters can't speak in the same paragraph. A different character than the one that spoke already can only speak again once a new paragraph has begun.
Also, at the start of that, it should be "Thou should not use thy tablet..." Trust me, I know how to use the older English correctly. I actually attempted to study some of the various words, and we have occasionally slipped into such a manner when typing.
A star swiped by through the infinite vastness of the internet, before stopping at a singular page in a literature rich site. Landing inside my favorites tab...
7350227
It's Kraft Dinner. Mac and cheese has far more milk and almost no cheese in it. While both are tasty, Kraft Dinner is better.
7350227 And I'm just here like "I could go for some shrimp flavored instant Ramen."
7350980 ramen is actually bad for you.
7350641 are you autistic?
7350997
No, hes not.
Hes actually right. How ever not many people care about the writing, as long as its readable.
(imo)
The sixth paragraph in needs to be broken-up, like 7348869 just said.
Again, paragraphs six and eight need to be broken-up here. At least you're making an effort with the rest of the chapter.
I give-up. Either learn to story or get a proofreader/editor. How this managed to get featured with how it is is beyond me.
7350997 I do not have autism, but we have many of the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and Sensory Processing Disorder, leading me to believe that I have said disorders.
No matter what time or universe, when a female says we need to talk. It is never good xD
Overall I like where your story is going, but I do have a couple of issues with your story.
First: I find you are using to much exposition. You tend to tell us what happened instead of showing, which is making the story a bit dry for me.
Second (biggest pet peeve): Your paragraph structure needs some major work especially when two characters are having a conversation (one person says something then when the next person starts talking you start a new paragraph).
Third: Not sure I agree with the how your character just accepts Luna's word and then agrees to her proposal without any real contemplation. It sounds like he had a loving family, wouldn't him leaving without a word cause them to feel distraught. I mean he just up and left without a trace there would be no chance for his family to have any real closure.
I am going to stop my rant here. know that while your story needs some work I will still track it as I enjoy the concept. For your future chapters if you are looking for someone to proof/edit your story let me know.
"I'd" is a contraction of "I would" already.
For this being your first story, you are doing a pretty damn good job. Now I can't wait for more!
That's not straight A's.
Did he die? Cause if not, then it isn't quite electrocution. However, in the modern vernacular, electrocution can now mean receiving an injury by electricity, usually pretty grievous.
This is a good start, at least the story was written and posted, but there is a long way to go. Dialog needs to be handled correctly, plot needs to develop in a way that isn't just insane, and I think the overall language can be brought to a higher level. The readers are told what is happening and not shown, combined with other things involving word choice; this makes the story difficult for me to read.
Well the story is on a good star but I has a hard time believing that he would take Luna's clams to her words and not provide any proof that he/she was in fact Luna's daughter and just accepts her offer like that and leave everything behind without time to think it over. True there could be intensives to go there, and the guy might not be big on forethought, but accepting a new species and gender he would probably regret the decision for a while, especially sense probably doesn't realities how different the gender roles are. I wander if he could ask to get his previous gender at least.
7350804 It's only Kraft dinner in Canada. Maybe also in the northern states of the good old USA.
7351542 From the way the rest of the sentence is put together, I'm thinking that was supposed to be "I'd wound up spending more time with her."
Favorited for relatively large vocabulary.
7351588 Could be A-'s.