16. It Came from the Internet
Edited by DJ_Neon_Lights, Kudzuhaiku, and TuxOKC.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom’s secret headquarters…
A pair of changelings slinked through the library, their heads turning this way and that as they explored the rooms. It was not a large building, nor was it exactly small. The interior was spacious and open to the second floor. In the open space hung odd items and banners suspended from wires. They were colorful, their wording was bold and eye-catching, but that did not interest the changelings right now. They needed information. They needed to know something about humans and their world.
It was agreed that a library was a good place to start.
There were rows upon rows of books, the shelves groaning under the weight of the knowledge within them. The library was clean and dusted. It was also deserted. To the changelings, it was a huge sigh of relief. Still, they were as nervous as long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs. Just because humans didn’t seem to show an affinity towards magic did not mean they did not have it secreted away elsewhere. It was reasoned between the two changelings, if there was magic, it would be used to protect their knowledge. There had to be wards in the library!
Yet, neither could sense anything.
Both changelings were males. They were also from the same clutch. Smaller than their brothers and sisters, this pair was also the youngest. The brothers had stumbled and bumbled their way through the city, nearly being discovered several times. Sheer dumb luck had saved them from discovery multiple times. Yet, they were not oblivious to their near discoveries. If anything, it made the pair all the more paranoid.
Whispers through the mind told them Wesley had found chocolate. They wanted chocolate. All they found were musty old books in a human building. Libraries. Yeck! Books were edible, but the ink used on some of them left questionable aftertastes. How would human books fare? They appeared as though they would at least make for good pulp.
One of them found a cookbook and was tasting it. After a nibble and a speculative chew of the corner of the cover, he spat it out and made a sour face. “Hoomans make terrible books!”
“We’re supposed to read them, not eat them,” his companion said with a roll of his eyes.
His brother held up the book. “How else are we supposed to learn?” Shameless were his words.
The first changeling facehooved. “I—you—ugh!”
The grin that followed was even more infuriating. They needed something to alleviate their frayed nerves. The human world was confusing and crowded. Even in the silence of the morning, signs of human influence was everywhere. There was even a suspicion the humans controlled the weather and the sun and moon. It made sense, as there were no pegasi or alicorns to do those tasks.
“Nevermind that. We need to familiarize ourselves with human customs. Start looking for books on local culture. They must have a catalogue system of some sort.”
The first floor was filled with tables and chairs, along with what appeared to be the librarian’s desk. There were boxes with black screens on them to one side of the room. One was turned on.
The first changeling spied it. Tapping his brother on the shoulder, he pointed him at it. “A god is awake!”
“Does it require worship?” his brother asked.
“I will not be a slave to the idiot box,” the other proclaimed. Curiosity, however, begged he should at least investigate further.
The two changelings made their way to the glowing screen, their eyes as wide as saucers. It sat upon a small desk and was mounted on a black box with a tiny glowing green light to one side. In front of it was an odd pad with square buttons and rectangles of various sizes. The first changeling sat himself comfortably in the chair in front of the desk. His brother noted another chair at a nearby desk and scooted it next to his brother. Then, he too made himself comfortable.
They stared at the screen. ‘Welcome to the Springfield Public Library’ proclaimed the words centered in the glowing light. Underneath it, in much smaller text, ‘press any key to continue’. The changelings looked at the screen. They blinked, turned their heads to each other, and blinked again. For good measure, they blinked for a third time, as if the act would present for them the answer to the dilemma.
“What is the ‘any’ key?” they asked each other.
A tentative hoof reached out and tapped the screen. Eyes searched the ground in dim hopes someling had left a key for them to use. Why must humans riddle them with riddles? This work was an enigma, wrapped in a cypher, and double-coated in dark chocolate. Were the holes in their changeling bodies riddling not enough?
“Should we offer a sacrifice?” the second changeling asked the first.
“What do we offer it?” The first looked around, still looking for that darned key.
A partially chewed cookbook was placed before the glowing god. It settled upon the rectangular thing with the odd pegs. There was a click and the screen flashed with a bright myriad of colors. The startled changelings almost fell backwards out of their chairs as they reared back in surprise. They bounced forward and stared as the screen changed. The god then spoke.
“Hello! My name is Carol. I am here to help you find whatever you might need help with! Please, type or say what book or type of literature you wish information on. When asking a question, please speak clearly into the microphone mounted above the monitor. Please keep in mind certain sites are blocked as the Springfield Public Library is meant to provide free access to the internet to all ages. Some sites are inappropriate for public computers. How can I help you today?”
“We demand human culture!” the brothers blurted.
They began shouting questions at the god, forgetting in the heat of the moment it could obliterate them at any given moment.
“How do humans live?”
“Why do humans wear clothes?”
“What do humans eat?”
“What country are we in?”
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
“Will I ever find true love?”
“You have a pretty voice, Carol. Are you single?”
Both changelings waited on bated breath as the screen flickered. After a few agonizing seconds, the voice replied, “Could you please repeat your question?”
“You had to ask her if she’s single, didn’t you?” the first changeling asked the second. A hard knock to the back of the head by a hoof followed. “Let’s be practical about this—we’ve got a willing goddess who will tell us whatever we want. All it took was a cookbook!” He rolled his lips back and forth while his brother glared at him. “We need to know about the human mind. Frank is being difficult. Speaker won’t stop ranting at how difficult he is to keep placated.”
His rolling lips stopped rolling. Chancing a glance at his brother (who was sticking his tongue out at him, hiding it when he was looked at, then sticking it back out when attention was turned back to the screen), he asked with slow forming words, “Goddess Carol, using magical theory for mental application on hoomans, what is the best way to keep a hooman mind under control as opposed to an equines? You see, we’re having a hard time keeping a large human male docile and cooperative. He is prone to mood swings, far more than his wife, who has been to this point a lot easier to handle. What is the best way to keep a hooman male under our mind control?”
There! The question had been posed! The changelings would have their answers and they would have their guide to this strange and terrifying world!
Carol thought hard on the question (given in several parts). The goddess responded after a pregnant pause, “Magic is the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces. Among the earliest psychological theories is the psychosis theory, advanced by Sigmund Freud. According to this theory, ‘primitive man’ is not a rational being, and in fact magical thinking bears a strong resemblance to neuroses. However, this conclusion has come into question, as more recent psychological theory acknowledges that psychological testing does not cross cultures with complete accuracy.” Carol stopped, then in an altered voice, added, “Taken from Wikipedia, Psychological Theories of Magic.”
The first changeling’s mouth hung open, his jaw hanging (even squeaking as if on metal hinges). “What?” he asked intelligently.
“Magic, I guess, is an irrational thing?” shrugged his brother helplessly. “Hoomans require brain damage to access their magic?”
“I… don’t think it goes that far,” his brother replied, feeling way out of his mental league. “Newton would know. Do you have that memorization spell?”
“Uh, yeah? I don’t think I’m going to like where this is going…”
“Memorize the goddess’ memories. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“You want me to what?” The second changeling’s eyes went wide. Beads of sweat appeared on his chitin. Which was weird, since changelings don’t have sweat glands. There is a lot of explaining to do in regards to previous chapters and changeling sweat, isn’t there? Another plot hole. Go figure. Shaking aside the breaking of the fourth wall by our story, he stared at the screen. “I dunno. I don’t think my brain could handle a goddess.”
His brother growled, “Just skim her.”
“You skim her mind!”
An impromptu shoving match erupted until one changeling was knocked out of his chair. The other had shoved so hard, he too soon followed.
Meanwhile, outside and clearly visible from one of the massive windows of the library, a pair of changelings zipped past a few feet off the ground on buzzing wings. One was holding several boxes of stolen chocolate bars while the other was giving furious chase. Wesley was wearing a manic grin and his muzzle was smeared with chocolate. He was laughing. It was the sort of laugh best associated with one who was running for his life and having the greatest sugar high in the history of changelings to fuel his love addled brain. TK421 was not sharing his enthusiasm as she threw round-eyed and panicked stares over her shoulders, alternating between them. Nope, not one bit did she share her brother’s love of the chase.
Behind them were some humans giving chase. Pitchforks and torches may have been involved. But, when a changeling is in a state of panic and has no queen to seek comfort from, well, let’s just say the imagination tends to expand just a tad.
Anyhoo, back to our two library spelunkers!
Oblivious to what was going on outside, both brothers picked themselves up off the carpet, glaring at each other. Then, one of them had a brilliant idea. It was a terrible, awful, splendid idea!
“What if we both did it? What if we spread the spell along the hive mind?” one suggested to the other. It was difficult to tell which changeling was which. “Everyling will get the knowledge we seek. To this point, everything we know about humans comes from that wierd portal guardian. I think this is a benevolent goddess. She accepted a chewed up book.”
Well, the reasoning sounded reasonable enough, so the two shared a sage nod and climbed back into their respective chairs.
The question was nervously posed, “We’re just skimming, right?”
“Yeah, yeah! Nothing too much! Just enough to help us understand hooman magic! Nothing bad will—”
“Hold it right there! You don’t want to jinx us!”
“You’re right! Okay, then let’s just cross our hooves and pray Mother still loves us!”
“Eh, good enough. Chargin’ my magic!” The tell-tale green glow of changeling magic wrapped itself around a changeling horn. A beam shot from the horn and to the screen. The moment the spell hit the goddess, Carol then blessed the changeling hive with a smidgen of her wisdom. And, like the old MTV commercial (before the station went to pot), a blast of invisible energy struck the two changelings as the spell responded to the information it contacted with. It even came with awesome electric guitar play. Sunglasses appeared on their faces and they gripped the sides of their cheap library seats as they gazed into the light of incoming knowledge.
“Wheeeeee!” they cried, not fully understanding the power of the Internet and everything that comes with it. Luckily, from the library, some sites were blocked. On the plus side, both changelings found their identities and even selected names for themselves while their brains were being addled with human knowledge.
And thus, two Meme Lords were born.
Meanwhile, back at the Halls of Justice…
Ni was a quiet changeling. She was an unassuming little mare who did her job and did not complain about it. She loved working with her brothers and sisters for a common goal. With her was Bob, an older brother who felt unappreciated as Gordon’s understudy. Both were in the hive’s brand new kitchen, putting on the finishing touches.
“Now, we just need a stove, a refrigerator, a dishwasher, a sink with running water, and floor tiles,” Bob said to her as he brushed the dust off his hooves.
“Ni!” agreed Ni. She was always ‘Ni’ing’ everyling. There was an ongoing debate as to if this was adorable or annoying.
Another female changeling entered. She hovered on her insectile wings and wore the expression of someling who had been working nonstop for ten hours. Exhausted and unable to enjoy the sanctity of a little peace and quiet in a busy hive, she was looking for changelings who were not filling the air with their endless chittering. Pindrop nudged her sister in greeting after she entered the kitchen. Everything important in this story happened in a kitchen to this point, so… why not here?
Work at the new hive had been nonstop. The changelings had thrown themselves fully into the task of making their new home. Word came from Speaker, the Queen and her parents were coming, so there was a mad scramble to at least tidy up the construction. Things had to be in inspection order! Word had spread the moment the approaching party had entered into the woods. The Queen was coming! Joy buzzed throughout the hive mind.
Pindrop had just finished her task of shoring up one of the side tunnels. Hope for a snack had dragged her to the kitchen. It was pleasantly quiet compared to the din everywhere else. Excitement for the pending visit from the Queen was rising to a fever pitch. Not all changelings were all about making happy noises in anticipation of Catherine’s arrival. What was wrong with a simple moment of a smile and sharing a hug... or three?
At least it wasn’t like the Beatles when they first arrived in America many decades ago.
Then, the hive mind was flooded with something different. Something overwhelming. Something terrifying! Pindrop froze, staring at Ni. Bob’s head jerked up. Three pairs of eyes glowed a swirl of color as a spell rolled through their minds. Frozen by the magic, they were held fast in place, unable to even twitch a muscle, no matter how hard they tried.
Ni tried very hard to run somewhere, anywhere!
The flood of information had almost exclusive content on humans. What they had learned before paled in comparison. Everything that defined humanity, the things that divided humanity, united humanity… The floodgates had opened and the unsuspecting changelings were bowled over in complete surprise as their minds endured the full force of learning without time to absorb it. There was no preparation. There was no defense. The hive mind was wide open and its greatest asset revealed its greatest weakness. What affected one changeling affected the others across the mind scape. The reactions varied from changeling to changeling, depending upon their mental strengths.
Quite a few dropped to the ground, stiff legged and stunned. Others yelped in pain, clutching hooves to their heads as the mother-of-all hangovers struck without so much as a ‘hello.’
In another part of the small, but growing, hive, the oldest changeling was correcting some ongoing construction. Changelings were constantly adjusting as they built, conforming to the earth and encountering odd human pipes and lines as they dug. Newton, engrossed in some last minute details before going out to greet the entourage, knew the hive mind well enough to feel the incoming wave before it struck in all its glory.
“Mein goddess,” he whispered, scrambling to put up a mental defense. The old changeling was quick enough, but he still reeled from the impact to his mind. “Dummkopf! Idiots! Imbeciles! Dummkopf, dummkopf, dummkopf!”
His eyes rolled white, then shimmered with all the colors of the rainbow. After what felt like an eternity, he blinked. The colors faded away and the immense pressure on his mind faded away. Newton took stock of the situation. He found his mind stuffed to the gills with access to information he did not have before. An odd thought struck him, and it came out of nowhere.
“Vy do I know kung fu?”
I hope this chapter clears at least one question that's been posed in the comments section.
Now, on to more plot holes!
Could not find the MTV commercial that had it, but hey, here's the ad they tried to emulate!
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Oh, God.
Oh, God.
The world will never be the same...
~ Neon Lights
Oh my, you've disturbed the natural order... This will go only one direction, crater-wise.
Abel and Prez?.... nah
7190192 God can't help us on this ride, hold onto your butts....
Oh joy... these changelings have just accessed the largest library known to man, and they practically know everything... I can't tell if this is really cool or horrifying.
Poor Changelings... And poor humanity... Internet is a power that is not easy to use... And less to understand
Oh god.
And oh bigger god, this is going to cause many many things!
On the plus side
unassuming (I don't think you meant the opposite?)
Pile of extra spaces in there, maybe it was meant to be a new paragraph?
A nice chapter, only a few breaks in the 4th wall, and all were for a good cause.
I expect that in a few days humanity shall bow to their new nuclear-capable changeling overlords. Because there are stuff like that on the internet.
I needs me some Brain Damage!
This chapter in a nutshell.
Dear god I hope that 4chan was blocked in the library.
Oh my god... The end is neigh.
changeling learned about on the internet so it must be true
Beware mortal, for they will be hillarious!
The names, the names!
I hope that Newton figured out how to build a device capable of healing wounds otherwise fatal wounds, and rendering the patient invincible for eight seconds, thanks to that wave.
Hope you guys get the reference.
So a couple of Meme Lords were born, eh? Well, you never laugh if you don't lol. You never flame if you don't troll.
Just great. The idiot changelings are now full of cats.
Yes. YESSS.
Jesus take the wheel!
And thus the story was never the same again.
The changelings downloaded the Internet into their brains...
Thus, Lawnmower Bugs were born and much mind-raping happened.
7190308 If you wish to know what happens when someone gets too much Internet into them: Look at me. I was there In the Beginning. I saw it come to pass. I browsed the first pages at a time when downloading enough to fill a floppy disk took 5 hours.
I saw too much... and now I am the madness.
And the Hive went: "Everyling was kung fu fighting!"
That ending
Well... hivemind and the internet are not a good combination, especially when it can take it all at once.
They're lucky that the content was restricted. Unfiltered internet... I think it would break them. Absolutely. Forever.
7191884 and mlp IS a show there so ya got that
7191867 Felt more like a matrix reference to me.
...their minds would not be able to handle that amount of information.
There's countless amounts of information on the Internet and that's only the surface. They just used a spell on the entire internet barring a few blocked sites, that means they memorised the Deep Web as well, which holds even more information than the surface web we all know.
I'm pretty sure all the changeling's should be comatose, have a massive headache, forget everything to make way for the new information, or have their heads explode. Even if they skimmed it, that's too much information for one mind.
7197113 Maybe there was a limit or the hivemind works as another server (telepathic Wi-Fi).
He knows. I think he might be the chosen one. Bring him out.
It's not that the Internet is full of information, but that the information is almost completely self-contradictory. If they're still sane after that, then changelings have unbelievably resilient minds.
<Muffins?) (Muffins!!> 
Oh lordy, all of humanity's history and innovations straight into their minds. Anyone else getting a Fifth Element vibe?
Finally read that new chapter. I wonder if Carl the military ling will become a thing that now the bugs were zaped by the power of rainboweaters. He would don a helmet, declare himself general, do a rocket jump and restore order after the memetic fallout.
7190198
Wouldn't be the first time.
I'm not kidding. If you watch the episodes which give Freakazoid's origin story (The Chip, parts 1 and 2), Roddy MacStew explains that the flaw in the Pinnacle chip which would create "a kind of freaky-zoid, capable of doing anything" would do so by downloading the entire contents of the Internet into the person's head.
Freakazoid is literally 4chan given flesh in an era when the general public was only beginning to learn of the Internet's existence and it was a much more innocent place. (mid-1995. The Internet burst into public awareness during the end of 1995 and 1996.)
On a related note, have a PMV of that song. (And, just because they're related to that and made with grin-worthy editing, PMVs for Pinky and the Brain and the network-forced spin-off, Pinky, Elmyra, and The Brain.)
Great story, love to see more.
Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Lol Chuck reference. I don't think I've seen one of those before.
7606422 YES! Other people know that show!
I loved that show so much!
7196787 It's a "Chuck" reference!
Oh man, this chapter is beautiful.
7349638
I finally found a source to watch Freakazoid.
I think I relate to the main character on a deep, emotional level.