- Member Since 20th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen 6 days ago
Element Reading
Welcome to my page. If you wanna send fan art my way then send it via private message on here, thank you for following here and my Youtube channel. And I'll see you all in the next story or video.
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Too fast.
7130680 I do see it went fast, though the next chapters I hope to make the story slower.
A wild critique appears! Just a heads up that this is not in any way intended as an attack on you or your writing abilities. Rather, you should take this as an opportunity to see in what ways your writing can be improved.
Just from the short description and the main description alone, I can tell that if you aren't up to spell-checking your work, or your skills in spelling simply aren't up to snuff, you should find an editor, pronto. There isn't really any excuse for simple words such as intercept and thieves.
Let us take a look at the long description, putting aside any further spelling contemplation for the moment.
First and foremost, the biggest problem is a combination of syntax and a run-on sentence. Thieves should be followed by a comma, and there should be a full stop after anything. "He can't let Equestria know," and "It would ruin the Crystal Empire," are what are to be considered independent clauses. Both can stand apart and still be considered fully functional sentences on their own, and the only real reason to ever have a comma between these two is the presence of a conjunction such as because, which expands the former to explain why Shining Armor cannot tell Equestria. Throughout the story, it's all rather inconsistent regarding grammar and syntax, but comma splicing is prevalent throughout.
Making those changes, you'd have a prettier, functional start to your story description. At the same time, there is still a very long way to go. Cadance being kidnapped by thieves, which in itself is a very odd way to term anyone who would take a nation's figurehead hostage, is not a very good reason for the Crystal Empire to be 'ruined'. It would certainly cause quite a lot of panic among the citizenry, but that in itself would not cause ruination. Rather, the only thing to be ruined here is Shining Armor's reputation as a protector. For example, if you state that she had been taken hostage and being ransomed, with the threat of execution should Equestria been involved, yes, that would be a valid reason for him to not involve his homeland. As it stands, it comes off as a thinly veiled excuse to shoehorn in Shining's 'human friend'.
Onto the human friend, who, just from the story description alone, already comes up as a big red flag to readers. Whenever the words "dark past" come up to describe who by all accounts is to be the central character, it becomes an almost cringe worthy cliché. It brings up imagery not of an assassin or a gun for hire haunted by the things they've done for money, but a brooding teenager dressed all in black listening to death metal and writing 'deep' poetry. It probably isn't anywhere near the implication you want to slap right on the front page of your story, so better wording is a must. He doesn't have a dark past that could help, but rather he might have a very particular set of skills rooted in a checkered history.
Finally, back to this part:
Please never do this. Asking questions for the reader is by far the cheapest and clichéd means of a story hook, and comes off as incredibly lazy and lacking in creativity. You could have said so much more by simply writing something such as "The clock is ticking down to the end of Cadance's life as she knows it, and the only thing that can keep her from a fate crueler than death is human ingenuity and pure determination."
In regards to the story itself, I have one very important word that I am going to repeat in bold. Show, show, show, show, SHOW!. If you want to hook a reader, the single most important thing you can do is show the readers the important details, and know when to tell them the minor stuff. You dedicate the first few paragraphs of the story to telling the readers about humanity's involvement with ponies who have shown them peace, harmony, and the not-so-implied threat of extermination at the hooves of Luna and Celestia. If you can help it, never info-dump at the start of a standalone story, especially if that information is immediately followed by something relatively irrelevant to what has just been dumped on the reader. It comes off as fairly incoherent and hard to follow.
Look at it like this.
This makes about as much sense as going from talking about humanity and its black market to describing the bedchamber of Cadance and Shining Armor.
The thing about going into a lot of detail to describe an environment is that although it paints a prettier picture, it places undue importance on things, turning it into unnecessary fluff at best, and at worst, a room full of red herrings. The reader comes to expect something important, maybe even a large scuffle, to upend that room. This is the idea of Chekhov's gun: if an author points out a gun in the story, it is going to be fired eventually. Whether or not it actually becomes important is what separates something from becoming Chekhov's gun and not just a red herring. The same principle can be applied to attention to detail in an environment.
At this point, we transition from a high amount of detail to a low amount of detail. Shining groans and wakes before stating "D arn, I gotta go." No implication of where he has to go, or why he has to go, until he goes into the bathroom to fall back asleep. No explanation why, no Shining Armor cursing the baby who has been plaguing his waking hours, nada. You are simply telling the reader what is happening here. Likewise, the scene that follows could easily have had a number of paragraphs dedicated to it, but rather than showing the reader what is happening, the reader is simply told that these well equipped mercs trapped Shining Armor in the bathroom under a hail of gunfire while they got away. Exit stage left. All this telling makes for very awkward pacing.
Likewise, rather than state "The next day," as a transition marker, why not insert a horizontal rule between the scenes and do something to show that time has passed. It could be as simple as a soldier directly beneath Shining in the hierarchy reporting that his troops searched all night, but could find no trace of the humans, their aircraft, nor Cadance.
My last piece of criticism is this: pick a verb tense and a point of view and stick with it for the scene or chapter, with changes in both only when necessary. The first few paragraphs make it out to be a human narrating it There are only ever a few occasions where changing tense mid sentence is appropriate, and this:
is not one of those opportunities. I don't think I've ever seen an instance where past tense to suddenly and inexplicably transition to present tense has come out looking right.
I hope this critique is something you can find helpful.
7131055 I ahve wrote chapter two, and this chapter is slower, the first chapter was really to get the story moving.
7130763 Thank you so much for the help, I will implement a few of those, some of the others I will just have to think about. Manly because they would require me to pull the chapter for heavy work.
But besides that I do need an editor, it's just I don't trust really anyone whom I don't know in real life. Besides that I will do my best to do better.
I don't see a gore tag... Unless you already got rid of it?
7181365 I actually did, after I wrote this chapter I thought it nessecary to remove it. Now I forgot to remove the message.
This was a very interesting story, and I can not wait to read the sequel
8269600
Thanks, I worked hard on it and I think you'll like it.
me: I'm scared of pinkie
ouch i feel sorry for the poor bastard
aaaaaaaaaawwwww he has a dick grower potion I want one too XD
9097284
You should be, I still hear a pop when I move my neck.
9097317
ya, we all do, we all do, sigh.