Talking Is Hard

by Leoshi

Resolve [Sequel to Resolutions]

This entry follows continuity from the first entry of this year, Resolutions. This is also not as cheerful or cathartic as previous entries. View the notes on the bottom for context.

Happy New Year, anyone.

"Back outside again, huh?"

"Oh? Rainbow Dash, darling, please don't mind me. You should stay inside. It's dreadfully cold out."

"Yep. That only makes me wonder why you're hanging out here on the porch like some kicked stone. Are you okay? I saw what happened."

"Don't fret over it, please. It was just a lapse in judgment, and it won't happen again. It's my newest resolution."

"Rare."

"Hm?"

"Resolutions are nice because they sound nice. Don't just slap some pretty words on this and expect me to let it go. Talk to me."

"I... I don't wish to discuss it."

"Is it because you truly don't want to?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Do you not wanna get into it because it makes you uneasy, or because you have this idea that somehow you'd be making me uneasy?"

"What gives you that impression?"

"Oh, nothing, really. Just that it's exactly what your resolution for this year was. You know, minding your words around your friends in order to be more considerate. Seriously, Rare, I appreciate the effort, but I'm not Fluttershy. I can take it."

"Well, it's not like she can't take criticism either..."

"Not tonight, it seems, but come on. We just got through another wacky year. I know you, and I will drop the subject if it's hard for you, but if it's just because you don't want me to think about it? Then you've got another thing comin'."

"Ah..."

"Rarity. Stop looking at your wine glass. I learned the hard way that bottles don't have any answers."

"Ha! Heheh..."

"Oh, made you smile."

"Heh...hmm. I suppose... It is a new year. Might as well go into it with a clear head."

"The wine ain't gonna help with that. Maybe we should wait until it's past midnight."

"My, my, such restraint. Just how many, ahem, answers did you seek this year?"

"Only the bottles and the Wonderbolts know."

"Heh, indeed. Okay, Rainbow Dash, I'll confess. Fluttershy's new confidence is something worth my pride. All of our pride. She's grown so strong and beautiful in just a year, and I don't mean her body. It's her spirit. She's bigger, and better for it."

"Yeah."

"Yes. And...hm. It shames me to say it, but a part of me wished she weren't quite so strong. It's made me realize how much things have changed. And it's nothing at all like fashion and seasons - those are all works of passion. But the way she carries herself now just strikes me harder than any other surprise I can name."

"So... What, you didn't like how she's grown so confident, so you low-key sassed her all night until she finally snapped?"

"It wasn't just tonight."

"Oh. Oh?"

"Please."

"Rarity, you wanted a clear conscience, remember?"

"Yes, well... I think I need a bit of courage to get through this next part."

"Heh. Fine, have your glass. At least you won't be sharing secrets with some fancy label."

"Somehow, you're not much better."

"Hey, I've grown up these last few years, too, you know? I'm not gonna go around spilling secrets."

"No... No, I suppose you won't. Hm..."

"Hey... Hey, come up for air when you drink that stuff."

"I've been drowning in negativity for weeks, Rainbow Dash. A little more drowning of a different sort won't change it."

"Weeks? You've been feeling this way for weeks?"

"Yes, for Celestia's sake! She's... She is so strong now, Rainbow. Her confidence is stunning, her spirit is inspiring. And the lengths she's gone to in order to help those she cared about? And the sanctuary! The discovery of a cure to something that petrifies ponies into trees! She even kept pace with us the entire time we were searching for other races to help us in Canterlot!"

"Rare... Nothing you just said is a bad thing."

"I know! So why am I so jealous of her spirit? Why am I so much more sarcastic around her right now? This only started after Nightmare Night, after she stayed in again. I just couldn't help but make a playful rib at her predicament. I called out the irony of her newfound spirit against her habitual cowardice on the holiday, and it's just festered ever since. First it was just jokes, then critique at her expense, then muttering behind her back. Now I can't be in the same room with her and not undermine her!"

"Wow, yeah. Those? Those are the bad things."

"Pheh. Like I don't already know that."

"It sounds like you didn't quite hold yourself to your last resolution."

"No. No, I did not. I tried so hard and made such strides, but in the end... It seems they were just pretty words, like you said."

"Rarity, come on. One bad show doesn't wreck the whole tour."

"Oh, we're speaking in Wonderbolt terms now?"

"Just hush up and use the analogy."

"Fine. One bad show is all well and good when the audience doesn't know you personally. But if I went to your shows and I saw you all falter, fall, and crash, I'd be worried for the safety of my friends. Because I know them. This isn't some show, Rainbow Dash - this is Fluttershy. My dearest friend. It's not a show I didn't practice, it's a friend I've hurt because I've somehow forgotten what it means to be a friend!"

"I... I just..."

"Please, no more. Not now, not yet. I need to find her and apologize, but I must figure out why I can't just be happy for her. I know that friends are allowed to be cross with each other from time to time, but this? I find myself thinking of ways to embarrass her. I wake up some mornings, and my first thought was if Fluttershy got better rest than I did. I think about her worries against my own, and if she even has any worries left, because she's carrying herself so wonderfully now. I'm supposed to be Generosity, aren't I? So why do I crave my friend's success?"

"I, uh... I don't know."

"No, I suppose you don't. And that's not your fault. Heh, maybe now I'll become jealous of you, simply because you don't have the same feelings of jealousy."

"I've been jealous plenty of times. I told you about the cadet I was partnered with, right? Lightning Dust?"

"You... Oh, please. Don't compare this to that. You might have been jealous of her spot at first, but you were justified in the end. The only pony who lost something was Lightning Dust herself, and she brought that failure on herself."

"But...ugh. Maybe I really don't know what you're feeling."

"Hm. So answer me this. What was the point in telling you any of this at all?"

"Wow, okay, I'm trying to help you, Rarity."

"And here I am, still drowning. At least my bottle makes it a little more flavorful."

"You know what? I think I'll try some of those pretty words right now. Next year, I'm gonna be supportive of my friends, even when they don't want me to be. Because that's the kind of friend I am."

"Off to a poor start."

"Nah, Rare. It hasn't started yet. There's still time before the new year begins. So until then, enjoy being out here in the cold, alone, just like how you want to be. And maybe next year, you'll try not to drive a wedge between you and your friends."

"I already know this is my fault!"

"Yeah, well... Then you must have seen this coming. See you tomorrow I guess. And don't trust that bottle all night long."

Author's Note:

Context:
One of my oldest friends is going to a rough patch (death in the family, forming an open marriage after his wife cheated, and temporary suspension from work, to name the most recent events), and yet when he visited with me and another friend earlier this week, he seemed to be without any worry. I don't know if it's a strong spirit or something I can't name, but I've thought about it a lot. What must it be like to have everything bad happen to you, and yet you can still talk and laugh as though everything were okay?

I can't say if it's the direction his grief has taken. I can't say if he's just putting on airs. Really, I can't say for sure what he's feeling, because it's a situation I've never been in. I know this year has been hard on him. Not just the year, either; it might just be the last four months. So I've been trying to put a name on his behavior that I saw earlier, and of course I can only use names of things I know and have personally felt.

Really, it's not my place to assign any one label to what he's going and gone through. And there have been brief moments where I saw his behavior fracture, where whatever metaphorical mask he put on would crack and show a bare hint of what he was really feeling. Still, that part, where the confidence shakes and something else is revealed, is something I've both seen and done several times. And there's no other time where personal reflection is more prominent than when the year turns.

This entry took on a number of surprising turns. It began as just a repeat of the setting from the previous entry: two friends discussing themselves as the year ends and the next begins. But as I wrote it, I remembered how my recent get-together with friends was different than normal, and how it seemed to stem from what one friend was hiding. I drew inspiration from what I actually know - confidence and jealousy - and then the conversation became something much more profound. Much more alarming. It's not even about jealousy. It's about the resolve of a person and whatever shape that resolve takes. But more importantly, it's about how that resolve can fracture when things change that can't be controlled.

I'm always here for my friend. I've invited him to share whatever he feels in whatever way he wishes, knowing that I can't help any more than just being here for him. There's no way I can really know what he's going through, but doing is just as useful as knowing, I think. I've seen his resolve, and I saw moments where it cracked at the edges. I can only hope that he remembers that we're here for him if he needs us. Even if it doesn't start tonight.