Night: HiE

by Zactrooper

Welcome

Twilight decided to take me on a tour of the town after breakfast. We finished up, and headed out. I looked back and noticed with surprise that the house was literally a giant tree, with the house dug out of the trunk.

Twilight happily proclaims, “This is my house, the towns Library”
I nod, impressed. The interior certainly didn’t show that it was a tree. The builders did a good job. We
walk into town square, where there were stalls with of ponies selling anything you could imagine!

“This is the Marketplace, where my friend Applejack sells her apples.” Twilight said.

I notice an orange mare, strongly built, with three apples on her flank (Her…Cutie mark? Yeah that’s what it’s called), but her most striking feature was a Stetson hat on her head. “Howdy!” she says in a southern drawl, “What brings ya’ll here today?”

Twilight smiles and responds, “Hey Applejack, I'm just showing my friend around town, any ideas about where to go?”

Applejack rubbed her chin. “Well, ah don’t wanna sound like ah'm advertising, but come ta Sweet Apple Acres, best apples ‘round Ponyville. It’s mah home, and mah business too!”

I chuckle and reply with a shake of my head “I might just have to stop by.”

“Well, ya’ll have fun on your tour, and ah heard Fluttershy was looking for some help down by her cottage. I’d try down there next.”

Twilight nodded and said, “We might try that, thanks AJ.”

As we left the marketplace, there was a sound like a very large bird coming towards us.

"LOOK OUT!!!"

CRASH

Comments

[Lord Shaxx]

Every single one of these chapters would have made only one if they were put together.

You are cutting tiny sections from a story and feeding us the gristle. Stringy, tasteless, and rather slimy gristle.

The grammar is mediocre at best, there is no true plotline, the characters feel fake, the STORY feels fake, there is almost no rhyme or reason to be seen, each chapter is less than an eighth of one, and every single one ends with a nonsensical cliffhanger.

This isn't the worst I've read, but it's nowhere near good either.

[DAMN HAMSTER]

When you OD on smack that's it. There's no time to have those last wangsty thoughts or even take the needle out. But considering everything about this story is awful, expecting accuracy is rather pointless.

[MLPFan234]

[TimesX]

Woah, OC/Spike pairing? I'd like to see how that goes

EDIT: and since this is OP's first fic, I'm going to say, for a first fic, this isnt that bad I guess. Don't be discouraged by most of the hate comments here. Practice a bit, take a good amount of time fixing up grammar, I'm pretty sure you can improve.

I mean, I am seeing a plot here even if it's thin, but still, thin is something right? :)

[Deadreaderz]

[DAMN HAMSTER]

6978679 So if a comment doesn't kiss ass, it's "hate"?

[Lord Shaxx]

6978679 I will agree that there is harsh judgement, myself included, but it is pretty well deserved.

Literally each chapter is equal to a couple paragraphs on a relatively okay story. The author is ending each one with a silly cliffhanger to try and keep us hooked, and it isn't working. It's repetitive.

That thin plot is hardly tangible. It was only mentioned in the first few chapters, and never brought up again. Buried beneath mutilated fragments.

For a first story, it's bad. It isn't absolutely terrible, but it's bad.

[TimesX]

6978933 No, but if a comment comes with a link from a youtuber that actually screams awful instead of blatantly expressing it's "not good", then I'd consider that overly harsh which the author might think of as hate.

If you think I was referring to your comment- no I was not.

[TimesX]

6979591 I completely agree the story is really really bad, but I just don't want to make the author think that all is lost because of one bad fic. I mean, I myself have experience being bashed so hard for producing work equaling garbage in college, and it felt horrible, terrible even at a society where most people are sensitive to the judgement of others.

Your comment may have been really harsh, but at the very least it points out some points on which the author can improve on. Which is something.

And I'm not trying to "kiss ass" here but I believe that this can be better (because most comments here make it look like there's no future in writing for this guy.)

[Lord Shaxx]

6980609 And I completely understand. Thank you for being willing to explain. That isn't something you see very often.

[Zactrooper]

6979591

Literally each chapter is equal to a couple paragraphs on a relatively okay story. The author is ending each one with a silly cliffhanger to try and keep us hooked, and it isn't working. It's repetitive.

I'm sorry about that, I actually didn't mean to do that.