- Member Since 21st Feb, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 3rd, 2021
Cramson Madness
Twilight fan and hand writer, drawer. Maybe shipper... Ah' don't know?
Cramson Madness
Joined 21st Feb, 2016 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Cramson Madness · 3.9k words · 101 views
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Huh. Well I gotta say that this story shows some interest. But it needs detail. Anyway congrats on your first story.
This is written so terribly
Sorry for bad writing
Oh, bother it. I retired from the whole "review new guy's stories" thing a year ago. However, since this is your first story, and you are a fellow Flashlight warrior, I'll give this a look over when I can and give you all the tips I can afterwards.
Thanks dude
Alright, review time! Keep in mind as I break down your story, that no flaw, error, or problem cannot be fixed. Anyone can put words on a page, but to be a true writer, you must listen to what I am about to say, unless I say not to do so before hand/hoof. Lets begin with the basics, AKA: The description.
It is not the worst I've ever seen, but it is not good. Firstly: The use of the "season 5" thing really breaks the immersion with the reader, it is best to use the name of the final episode so as not to draw attention to the fact that My Little Pony is a show. Stories have to be realistic, unless the star of the story is Pinkie Pie, then you can basically do anything you want. Secondly, the words are some-what scrambled and difficult to read. I want you to reread it and see if it makes sense and flows properly. Thirdly, it is not very informative. Yes, Twilight's boredom is cured by the arrival of her crush (Flash Sentry) and the start of a war, but a war with what? Why did Flash Sentry arrive in the first place? Why are you asking if Zecora is hiding something? Why bring up Rainbow Dash and Soarin in the description at all if the story focuses on Twilight/Flash? All these questions are going through my mind, and the description does not answer any of them.
The biggest problem I see, is that there is not a single comma anywhere to be found. Comma's are your best friend, so learning to use them correctly is not optional, it is a must. Also, there is no period at the very end of it, which does not look good in the least.
More minor flaws are the following: Why say the thing about Zecora? By doing that you all but confirmed that she is hiding something, and readers will now be searching the scenes with her in them for clues. And as for this Rainbow and Soarin thing, it seems like an after thought that is best just kept in the story and not in the description so as to not make the description seem like an info-dump.
The description is very important, it is what can make or break a story. What will people first see of the story? In order to draw viewers in to reading the chapters, the description must be informative, but not as I said before, info-dump-like.
Okay, now for the story itself. Please, do not feel overwhelmed by this point, because we are just getting started. You can ask me literally anything once I've finish, and I will give you my most helpful answers.
The forth-wall breaking at the very beginning is acceptable, and cute in a way, but wait was misspelled and the I in i'm was not capitalized.
Continuing where you left off in the description, the words are scrambled and choppy.
This is a struggle to read, it should look something like this. (This next part is my person opinion, other may disagree and be correct at the same time, so this is just my interpretation)
Next thing to talk about, is your dialog. the whole use of the "Blah blah blah"- Person-who-is-speaking is, to me, very new and interesting, but to others, it will most likely be annoying, especially due to the fact that how you position them is very inconsistent.
Okay, this one is pretty bad. "did the map send me," not "did map send me." Also, how did she start moving while still staying in the same place?
(One hour later)
Alright, I've read through the whole story, and I've learned that I really am not a good enough writer to help you, but, the good news is, I know someone who can help you more than myself in the long run. He is, as far as I know, a genius. He can be a bit blunt at times, but he means well. I'll send you a link to his page so you can ask him to review your story, tell him I sent you.
Overall, you are not the worst I've seen, but I can't really help you in a way that isn't simply telling you what is wrong. You need a different form of help than that, because I don't see me correcting everything in a comment helping you very much. My advise to you is really just to go read the works of greater Authors to get a feel for how things should be done.
Here is the link: Fourpony. And remember, he means well, no matter how brutally honest he may be. He can not only tell you what is wrong, but how to fix it, how to learn to fix it on your own, and how to become comfortable in doing it so that it becomes second nature to you.
I'm truly sorry for not being able to be of greater assistance, but this just isn't my field of expertise. If you were to entrust me with that pass-code to go in and fix anything wrong myself, not only would you not learn anything, but once I would be done, you'd be looking upon a story that wasn't yours anymore. I want more than that empty feeling (I know it well) for a new author on this site.
As I said before, I am willing to answer any questions you may have regarding anything on FIMFiction and writing, so feel free to do so. Have a blessed day, Mr Pl_brony.
Please comment to help me make this story better
6965741 First of all, what's with the hyphens/- before and after every single quote. Are you trying to make dashes? like en and em dashes. If so, that doesn't make sense either.
Second, you apparently know what this is awfully advanced language use here (That's a good thing by the way); Why is that?
Third:
Ponyvile = Ponyville
Realy = Really
i'm = I'm
Pluged = Plugged
I don't know why you keep on omitting letters. They're essential.
Cutiemarck = Cutie mark
This... is... not... GERMAN!
Marck = Inappropriate slang
Those is plural of that by the way.
Click on this oversize link right HERE IF YOU NEED HELP WITH GRAMMAR!
I kinda messed that chapter up... I would love to hear what is exactly wrong (probably that horror wanna be scene, it was an experiment:/ )
well that escalated quickly