Heart of the Mountain · 16th Nov 2018...

...29,217 words

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Edit:

Without her sight, Rarity had no choice but to follow wherever the apprehending curs were taking them.

Uh, helloooo! You're a unicorn! You have magic!

this is a good story, but that middle section just dragged on and on and on. Frankly like 20k words of this could but clipped out and it wouldn't feel like I missed anything at all.

9296411
I want to put a link in for people who might want to skip it, but I don't know how to do it. Or even where to find the information.

Holy crap nuggets! That was one of the longest scenes I've ever read. Saucy!

That ending though, I hope there's going to be hell to pay.

9296366
Appropriate.

Also... YES,YES,YES! Finally! Can’t say I’m not annoyed by the ending but I absolutely loved this.

Will stop being so perfect

will *you*

clitorous

It's spelled "Clitoris"

tonite

tonight

9296473
Thanks for this. Had no idea I spelled it that way so many times! Don't know why spell checker didn't warn me.

9296470
I never realized how much people dislike long chapters. I don't mind them personally, so long as they have substance; of course I don't feel that way about this chapter, but I know some of my readers were drawn in by the prospect of certain things happening, and felt I had to make this chapter go out with a bang!

Pun intended.

9296366
I've never had so much come out of me!

Finally!

Well the sex scene was kinda depressing and the end, their in danger again you can't even say its two steps forward and one step back because there are no steps forward. They get in danger, they get out of it, they do a thing and then back to danger its frustrating, I mean there's progression in their relationship witch is good but there's still no sight of them actually getting out of the forest.

so it finally happened and shit hit the fan! wooo!

Can not wait to see what happens next. Keep up the great work.

idk why but the voices i had for the ogres at the end where of

Me smash! No Bash

9296477
I think you misunderstand why we said ‘holy shit’. I feel it’s a common feeling, or at least for me, that it’s just impressive to see long chapters. Nothing bad at all. Keep it up.

9296437
Don't listen to him, 20k words of smut is an achievement. But seriously, u y cliff hang? *tears up*
Literally the only thing I can hope for is that the dream catcher will be separated from them and Luna and Co. will pop in there the next day to fuck shit up. If we're being honest I thought you were gonna have Rainbow Dash notice them from the sky eventually.

well that sure got hot.
grate chapter perfect details.

9297423
Glad you enjoyed it; I could never be sure if it was hot, or not. I guess because it was my own writing and I already knew what was going to happen, rather than reading someone else's.

9297373
Exactly!
9297343
Gotta keep ya'll antsy for the next part somehow! I can usually pick out good cliff hangers. I kinda wish I left my past Chapters as they were for that purpose.

9297264
Sorry, I meant that to be a general "I know most people don't like X, but I don't find it so bad." Kind of deal. Appreciate your reply tho!
9296501
Sorry you didn't like the end. I'm trying to make this as much of a love story as a survival/adventure. The end goal is coming soon. Next chapter isn't going to have them with their captors for very long. The whole symbolism I'm trying to convey with the short journey is that; when you set out to accomplish a goal, you might find it's easier to achieve than you first might've thought. Atchmon has attempted to leave the forest by himself many times in the past, but gives up at the first sign of trouble, and contented himself to living in his 'safe zone' and waiting for an 'opening' that'll never come.

-slow clap-
Wow.
This is why we can’t have nice things XD

This was definitely worth the wait. Totally worth it, very romantic and steamy. Then that ending came along and cut the legs from under me. Here's hoping the next chapter will come soon. Not sure how long I can hang off this cliff.

(I was waiting for when she'd finally ask about the damn dreamcatcher.)

_{......my fingers are getting tired....}

9297591
you pulled off this chapter really good.

Good shit man; the clop dragged on a bit imo but I appreciated the scene changes within to be sure, kept it from getting stale for how long it ran. I also appreciated your approach to their anatomical differences, and how you didn't just go along the common routes of "Man of Average Size Appears Titanic because ponies are very small" or "Ponies Climax In 15 Seconds or less or your money back/Virgin Human goes 4 hours before first orgasm" (not to say i don't enjoy either premise). You did a very good job with showing the other facets of sex that aren't bumping uglies, while also showing reasonable boundaries with both characters that didn't feel unrealistic at all.

As for the rest of the chapter, I don't have much to say honestly; the clop dominated the chapter in terms of wordcount, and the scene climbing down the plateau into the cave, followed by the trek to the hot springs felt (in hindsight) like an explanation into how rares and atchy got to fucking in a hot spring -- though the confession and awkwardness around it did feel very heartfelt and not all that rushed. (honestly it was kind of a long time coming thing imo) That said, the scene at the end didn't have too much of an impact on me -- whether I'm used to it happening in other fics or just expecting bad shit to happen in general. the reaction I got from the ending was less "Oh No!" and more "Aw shit, not again!"

Overall though, glad to see them actually in a romantic relationship now, and though I'm somewhat miffed at the sudden conflict-cliffhanger (i would have preferred they had a longer period of afterglow and relaxation -- y'know, the fuzzy shit) I'm hoping said conflict progresses the plot much faster towards their eventual escape from the Everfree Forest and back towards Ponyville, and all the shenanigans that'll surely happen there.

As a conclusion and non-sequitor, I'm going to break my traditional rule of "Only Rating A Story When It's Done" and give this fic a thumbs up, I feel it's earned it.

9298173
Thank you, I tried to keep everything realistic and within the 'realm of the possible', while pushing my newly formed skills to make the clop as hot as possible.

The hotspring and everything will be explained in greater detail the next chapter. I now kinda wish I hadn't ended like I did, just to put in that bit of explanation and detail. But then I'd have to put in the Morning Sex scene I had planned for them. (I'm certain Atch would've wanted to ride the pony one more time, before they had to go; I know I would )

I try to convey Atchmon as being a person who IS much larger than the average human through little tidbits of dialog. (Looking like a criminal, being a bully, big guys have it rough, and so on) But that balanced by his insecurities, selfishness, and desire to succeed the quickest and easiest way possible.

I tried to justify their relationship, especially on Rarity's end. And explain her reasoning behind WHY she would choose Atch. I hoped it conveyed that she sees him as a strong, independent male who makes her happiness his responsibility, rather than the other way around. As I imagine her attitude would be in RGRE.

What a chapter.

9298270

I try to convey Atchmon as being a person who IS much larger than the average human through little tidbits of dialog.

You did this quite well in earlier chapters, I was referring with my

"Man of Average Size Appears Titanic because ponies are very small"

remark about his less than exceptional -package- size (as he himself stated) and how I appreciated how he was neither (to the ponies) a divinely-endowed (referring to penis size) figure of raw masculinity nor a being of seemingly infinite sexual stamina. I figured that he exceeded 6 feet in height at minimum (probably 6'4" or over guessing by his rep as "the big guy" that shorties like myself would fight to prove their dick size) I know that big guys can have it rough, my brother in law who is 6'4" (I'm 5'7" on a good day) hits his head on a whole bunch of things when we're at work.

The hotspring and everything will be explained in greater detail the next chapter. I now kinda wish I hadn't ended like I did, just to put in that bit of explanation and detail. But then I'd have to put in the Morning Sex scene I had planned for them. (I'm certain Atch would've wanted to ride the pony one more time, before they had to go; I know I would )

I'm happy to hear that there's more info to come on the hot spring, I've encountered the "Underground oasis with glowing flora and other cool things" biome a few times before, most famously the Blackreach setting from Skyrim. I wouldn't have minded the "Morning Sex Scene" in this chapter because it was already 20k-ish words of pure clop at this point (with so much one more scene wouldn't really hurt tbh all things considered) + some other shit

I tried to justify their relationship, especially on Rarity's end. And explain her reasoning behind WHY she would choose Atch. I hoped it conveyed that she sees him as a strong, independent male who makes her happiness his responsibility, rather than the other way around. As I imagine her attitude would be in RGRE.

I had a handle on Rarity's views as of the first scene when they bathed together (concerning the RGRE aspect) in that shallow waterfall near atchmon's home base. (it helped that Rarity had that little monologue after staring at his junk) I'll say that you did a good job of building their relationship as to be believable enough to progress from platonic to romantic while also including Rarity's inner thoughts on the matter, so it doesn't feel rushed in that respect. IIRC they've been together for maybe a month or two as of now (been a bit lax in keeping track of the time lapses), but I'm totally willing to give credence to the fact that they've been constantly in and out of do-or-die situations, so that would accelerate things compared to a more standard relationship; you at least took the time to build things up instead of having them fuck after only a week of meeting each other.

The conflict between Rarity's Personal Views and her Traditional Views was also fairly well written out in story, and you did a pretty good job of playing that up with her internal conflicts once the sexy times went down.

Great work, now they just have to survive this.

god damnit xD so close

Can we get tags for avoiding the sex next time? It's not that I hate it or anything, I'd just rather move along with the story.

I've been enjoying this immensely so far, not many stories out there that do what you've done as well as you've done it. I can't say it's perfect, there are a few things that bothered me a bit story wise but it was easily overlooked and I moved passed it on to the better parts. You've earned my fave, I look forward to seeing how these two will get out of this situation.

9298317

figure of raw masculinity nor a being of seemingly infinite sexual stamina.

Yeah, I just wanted him to be a horny boi in this this chapter. I was afraid of having him come off as that with as many times as I had them copulate within that time frame. I just really wanted to work in the "Making up for lost time" piece of dialog.

hits his head on a whole bunch of things

tall people problems; I can relate.

I've encountered the "Underground oasis with glowing flora and other cool things" biome a few times before, most famously the Blackreach setting from Skyrim

That's where I got the inspiration from, and the Lazarus Pit from Wonder Woman for the blue glowing cave pools. I originally had it as all mushroomy like Blackreach, but wanted it to be close to something like the Eldergleam cavern or that other nice dungeon you encounter in the questline (can't remember what it's called).

one more scene wouldn't really hurt

I mainly dropped it for Rarity's "insatiable" line, I wanted her to comment on that; I also had a BJ scene planned too, but it also had Horn rubbing, which didn't make sense bc Atch didn't know horns feel good to rub at the time, so I dropped that; Also because I don't think Rarity would use her mouth in that situation. I almost didn't include kissing either for that same reason: bad breath and cleanliness. But I felt I was really limiting myself by making it too 'realistic'. Whenever I'm reading a Fallout Equestria Clopfic, there's something hot about knowing the characters are kinda dirty in that setting.

together for maybe a month or two

It's been a month and 6 days so far; they aren't going to be in the forest a few days longer. A month when the Date happened. Then 4 days passed while the Rain flooded the area, Separated and Monsters Takes place on the 4th and 5th day; so 5 days since the date. And now they are on the 6th day at the end of HOTM. I don't plan on them being in the forest longer than 4 more days; if that.

The conflict between Rarity's Personal Views and her Traditional Views was also fairly well written out in story, and you did a pretty good job of playing that up with her internal conflicts once the sexy times went down.

I appreciate that. I wanted to show the month of falling in love that stories like Xenophilia lacked. In Xen; it starts off with the protagonists already being in love and only mentions why they are throughout the story, instead of showing it. It's still a great read despite the massive amount of clop within it.

9296366

Uh, helloooo! You're a unicorn! You have magic!

Right? I'm sure most Unicorns would forget they even have a horn if it wasn't attached!

I'm with Azarias on this.

I don't mind clop in a regular story, but most times it seems rushed, as if the author wrote the build-up of the story to get to the clop as fast as possible.

With this story, the buildup of the story as a whole is well paced, which doesn't make the clop feel out of place, but rather as a progression of the story itself. And for that, I commend you. Well done.

9300043
I'm ure I'll comment if anything comes to mind. It'll be awhile before I start a re-read though to catch up. I have a metric ton of other stuff to read, hundreds of movies in my "to see" pile and about two dozen PS3/PS4 games to get through.

"Nothing!" She tersed and looked away bashfully.

"Tersed" is not a word. Terse is not a verb. It is a descriptive word, an adverb, maybe sometimes and adjective. See Merriam Webster
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/terse

9304476
I have a disability that prevents me from fully understanding words like 'adjective', 'adverb', if it's not something simple like 'noun' or 'verb', then I don't know what to do with it.

All I can do is read it out loud and see if it sounds good, or not.

Mind offering suggestions for an edit?

9305577
Perhaps something like this

"Nothing!" She said tersley and looked away bashfully.

Although this revision looks awkward to me, and I tend to associate being terse with someone as a negative thing, like when you're annoyed or angry.

9306351
I changed it to something similar. When I looked up terse (the very first time) it was the only word I could find that meant short, brief, or apprupt. I never thought it COULDN'T have a past tense or describe Rarity's voice.

Another wonderful chapter, cant wait for more!
I wonder if the dream catcher will be left behind. If so, Luna to the rescue in a blaze of glory!!

Making up for lost time, indeed, holy shit. A bit much honestly, though some of the inner monologues were nice to shake things up a bit.

In the past, I have seen start and ending lines listed in an author's note at the start to mark where the smut is for those who don't want it. The search page function is good with that.

I’m happy that the two are having sex, but did it have to be that much?

Never thought I’d ever see the day that I’d actually skim over a clop scene. Like wow! Kudos for not repeating yourself too much through it all though.

9312650
Thanks. I figured after the first one I could kinda skim on the details a little more as it went on.

9312170
Yes.

9309464
I was hoping Atch came off as unsure about making a move every bit as Rarity was. Especially Rarity's thoughts and feelings about herself and their relationship. I can relate to her concerns about looks whenever she's less than her ideal self, or worse like in the episode "It isn't the Mane thing about you".

This chapter gives me the urge to play Terraria.

9352365
It's more of a play on the "Dog and Pony show" episode. Rarity is alone in a strange place with a strange creature that eats meat and doesn't bat an eye about it. I'm sure she say anything to save her hide.

The sex was great okay? It was sensual, well made, very well developed and felt like a culmination of everything that has come up in this story. Their relationship finally getting to an EXTREMELY satisfying gratification with them making love. I really enjoyed everything in this chapter.

Except that last bit. I honestly just went through an amazing time reading the relationship and sex stuff, knowing our "heroes" are finally coming close to the end of their adventures. The "Relationship" arc is pretty much done, with a very satisfying peak. The "Survival" arc seems to be over, in terms of them staying at their camp. The "Journey" arc seemed close to finishing, especially since we got some comedy with the bears, survival with the wolves and a "separation" mini-arc that lead into the sex.

Holy fuck can we just get to Ponyville? Fucking CHRIST this whole surprise ambush sucks.

When you have wolves and other animals coming at our characters, it makes sense. We are in a forest, and for chapters we have heard howls, cries and screeches of animals that will be a threat to our characters. This also sets up the the Ursas since they fit the theme.

We have NO lead up to this ambush. Just WHOOPS TIME FOR BEING CAPTURED. This whole "captured" arc will accomplish nothing but padding. We know both of them won't die, we know they will eventually get to Ponyville, we know they will be in a relationship, we know they will get back home. Our main man here isn't suicidal anymore, Rarity went through a self-discovery, both are almost done full complete character arcs.

Just. Get. Them. Home.

What are you going to accomplish as an author with this new side "arc" that you will take our readers on? You have established that high society ponies will not like the relationship between the two characters. That seems like a very good lead-up into a bit more final development before they both live their lives and be happy with eachother. This accomplishes almost nothing but drama for the sake of drama.

An example: There is a full scene in Star Wars Episode 3 with the Sith where Obi-Wan and Aniakin fight. The fight scene accomplishes nothing and the only reason why people like it is because Obi-Wan did a great meme line with "I have the high ground". George Lucas said literally in behind-the-scenes where that particular fight scene is nothing but "They fight". For pages it was "They fight" with no actual story development whatsoever. Anakin could have just walked away from Obi-wan in an emotional scene where they could have had him symbolically walk away from both his mentor and the Light Side with a ten minute scene and no fight. It padded out the movie, was cheesy and honestly the fight wasn't even good because there was no stakes, no development (Anakin was already on the dark side), and nothing of value was achieved.

You could have had them stumble upon a camp deeper in the caves, realized there might be someone else around. They are recently bathed, so they can hide and dodge the Diamond Dogs from smelling them. Holy fuck we just watched two extremely conditioned survivors use the smarts and knowledge they have had in the forest (which they have shown they can plan, notice details and be sneaky), this is just them being dumb and unaware.

This isn't me being me being a "hater", this is me loving this story and seeing it turn to a bad direction. I have read too many goddamn stories where they add extra drama and filler just because their story was "popular" and to milk a few more views from being bumped into the bottom three featured slots for updated popular stories. I even have considered dropping this entirely, seeing as how most of the arcs are done and I was satisfied with the sex. I'm not because this is all well-written. I'll just skip the next few chapters until we are back on the real journey again.

9359739
Thank you for being so passionate about the story. I originally planned one last sex scene and a bit of world building, and I am still considering going back and adding it. But the result would still end the same with them getting captured. I only cut it out because of how gratuitous the sex had been in the chapter already, and I figured after 20k words of sex my readers would be tired of it.

Them getting captured like they did is showing they're weaker when they're apart. But we've seen little snippets already that show how well they can work together, and do the whole 'stronger together' or 'fire-forged friendship' trope. the last chapter is going to be dedicated to them taking a stand.

So far we've only seen them deal with semi-intelligent animals, and now they're in the grips of a more intelligent race of Equestria. Atchmon still has some growing to do, and I want to use the opportunity to show where his 'lines to cross' are.

The bears were a 'fast travel point' and there's going to be another in the next chapter; I imagine they're about 1/3 of the way home right now.

There's only 3 more chapters of story left, and I'm going to add a Epilogue and an Afterword for people who might not be interested in reading the sequel.

As for the capturing. Sometimes things just happen. And there's no way to predict or counter it, even if you see it coming.

So will this story continue? I know I’m one of the last people in the world with the right to ask that considering my rate of updates but I’d like to know before I get hooked. Though honestly I pretty much am as of chapter 4.

9432254
It will. I've been plugging away at chapters when the mood hits me. As well as the sequel. I just haven't been very motivated to finish since I've been constantly in and out of job interviews the last month. And I'm starting a new job at the local hospital in a few days. So the story hasn't been very high priority. I apologize, but rest assured, it is my goal to finish this thing!

I'm glad to hear you're still working on this I know that life can get in the way of a lot of things LOL. your story is amazingly well-written well-thought-out and the character development is really really good. I know some people want to complain about how things are just getting started and then bam their captured, but I personally believe that it'll develop a strong core cuz they just got together and it lights a fire and shows the care and dedication that they need for each other. I really look forward to this please update soon!

9488867
Thank you! I'm sorry it's been awhile since I last updated this. I'm still chipping away at it when I can.

I've learned that I am definitely a Part-time worker. Working 5 days a week is nuts! You don't got time for anything! Of course, having a crappy 2nd shift schedule doesn't help either. Especially for a night owl like myself. I sort of miss my old job. I still juggle whether or not I'd go back if given the chance... In happier news, I've just about acclimated myself to this new job so I should be getting more writing done very soon. Hopefully this next update I'll have out within the month.

9490416
That's awesome! I completely understand what you were referring to because I'm actually in the middle of a job transition myself. is a scary thing considering I've been doing the same job for almost 15 years. And I understand how hectic it can be LOL. I have three kids a full-time job and everything in between so I get it. I look forward to seeing what you liked this has been one of my favorite stories for a very long time and I cannot wait to see what happens and how it develops when I finally get out of living in the wild and have to acclimate the pony society. Oh I can just imagine how hard it's going to be for our protagonists LOL!