The Mane Destination

by C0NN3X10N5

Prologue

The Mane Destination
Prologue

Las Pegasus is a city popular for its nightlife. From its popular casinos to the beautiful resorts, Las Pegasus is the perfect destination for a vacation.

As Twilight finished the passage on the magnificent city that is Las Pegasus, she put down what looked like a pamphlet on holiday sites on her desk with the help of her magic. Twilight has always looked for that day, in which she could just take a vacation and relax with her friends, but her studies always got in the way of it. Every time an opportunity came up, she would always try to seize the moment. This was one of those moments.
---
“Spike!” Twilight shouted, her voice resonating in the library.

“Ugh…What is it Twilight,” Spike said, irritated. “You know I’m in the middle of my afternoon nap.”

“I just wanted to ask if you still have them.”

“Y-You mean the train tickets?”

“Yes, Spike. The moment I’ve been waiting for is finally here!” There was excitement in her voice.
---
She had bought train tickets, six to be exact, to Las Pegasus way before her departure there. She knew the exact date because, lately, she has been having visions of the trip but whenever she has these visions, her head starts aching. The more she has these visions, the more the pain intensifies. She’s done everything to try and explain why she has these visions, with a letter to Princess Celestia as her last resort, but she hasn’t received a reply yet. Twilight doesn’t know how or why she gets them, but she sees this as an opportunity to go on that vacation of hers (no matter how much pain it’s going to cost).

Twilight’s friends also wanted to join her on her vacation (Twilight not telling her friends about the visions she’s been having), having their equal amount of stress as Twilight. The most eager to join was Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were reluctant in joining Twilight on her trip to Las Pegasus, but decided to tag along as well as they were the ones that worked the hardest and thought it would be nice to take a little bit of time-off from their duties.
Spike decided to stay behind and take care of Fluttershy’s animals (and Opalescence). He wasn’t into gambling anyway.

***
“All aboard!!!” the conductor, a Pegasus, yelled as he gestured everypony en route to Las Pegasus onto the train.
Twilight, along with her group, went ahead and boarded the train.

As they looked for their seats, Twilight saw someone, sitting all alone in a corner, her colours standing out even though they looked like the midnight sky (along with an interesting looking cutie mark).

Everyone in the train prepared for the trip as they heard the train’s horn blow and felt the wheels turn and grind against the tracks. The loudspeaker in the train uttered in a clear voice "Train 757 is now leaving the station!"

The inside looked much bigger than from the outside. It was spacious and yet still able to hold many ponies inside. The walls were coloured a nice shade of yellow that wasn’t too sharp as to hurt the eyes but not too dull to make the train look boring. Paintings hung on the walls, tilting as the train ascended, descended and turned.

Twilight suddenly felt a breeze, cold enough to cause chills down her spine.

But the windows were closed.

***
Rainbow Dash and Applejack dozed off, glad that they can take a day off of their work. Pinkie Pie smiled sweetly at the sight of the two of them sleeping. She was also smiling because Rainbow Dash and Applejack were hugging each other in their sleep (she also unsuccessfully stifled a giggle).

Twilight and Rarity were sitting next to each other, talking about Las Pegasus and how exciting their vacation is going to be. Twilight wondered why Rarity brought so much stuff with her, even though they were just staying there for a weekend.

Twilight turned to see how Fluttershy was doing. She was sitting next to the pony that Twilight has never seen before. Pinkie would usually throw a party for newcomers, but it’s not like Pinkie to miss someone. Twilight’s gaze went to her cutie mark. Her cutie mark is a crescent moon but it also outlines the dark-side of the moon. The moon itself is partially covered by a cloud at the bottom and there are three yellow stars around the moon. Fluttershy was too timid to even turn around in her direction; she was just looking out the window. As Twilight kept observing Fluttershy, Rarity was still talking (this time about a new dress she’s making). Twilight decided to lead her gaze away from Fluttershy and leave her social life alone. But as she turned towards Rarity, Twilight found herself listening to Rarity about their trip to Las Pegasus, again.

Halfway through the trip, Twilight felt the breeze again, this time it was a lot stronger and a lot colder than the one she felt before. Then suddenly, Twilight’s head started hurting. She knew what this meant but Twilight didn’t understand why she was about to have a vision because they were already on the train to Las Pegasus. Her brain pounding against her cranium, Twilight was forced to scream in pain, surprising Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy (and also the one sitting next to Fluttershy). Oddly, it didn’t wake up Rainbow Dash or Applejack. After about 10 seconds of mind-numbing pain, Twilight’s eyes stared into space as a vision started engulfing her thoughts.

***
Twilight saw the sign to Las Pegasus. It was lit up by neon, giving off a red-orange glow. As the train neared the station, it didn’t slow down. In the front of the train, the conductor was having problems with the brake, having spilled cider on it. To make things worse, a muffin fell from its place and hit the ‘Accelerate’ button, causing the train to speed up…a lot. The conductor started panicking but, as he turned around, he saw that his wings have become too close to the furnace where the coal was burning. He was running all around the room, setting fire to everything else in it, causing a small glow to come from the bottom of the door.

The speeding train whooshed past the station, creating a massive gust of wind.

Twilight noticed the train’s odd behaviour and wondered what was going on.

After about thirty seconds, everypony on the train was startled by a blood-curdling, screeching sound managing to wake up Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Twilight looked out the window and noticed that the train had switched to the track next to it. As Twilight looked farther out the window, she could see another train headed straight at them. Twilight tried to alert her friends (and also the one sitting next to Fluttershy, Twilight thought she looked ‘interesting’) but it was too late. The oncoming train had collided with their train. Glass shattered and belongings flew everywhere.

Time seemed to slow down as Twilight saw what was happening before her.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy managed to jump out into the aisle but a chandelier fell from its chains and impaled Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy, shocked from seeing Pinkie’s fate, didn’t notice one of Rarity’s bags falling from its place. Fluttershy was still paralysed from shock when the bag came crashing down on her, crushing Fluttershy instantly. Rarity, drowning in her own tears as she saw her friends being killed off, didn’t hear Twilight’s scream of warning as a large piece of glass went past both of them. Twilight managed to dodge it but Rarity didn’t make it. Rarity’s throat was slashed by the glass as her cries turned into choking sounds, her scarlet blood flying everywhere. Twilight, now soaked in blood, she noticed Rainbow Dash jump out the window along with Applejack. In a split-second, shrapnel from both trains flew straight at them, decapitating Applejack and piercing straight through Rainbow Dash’s eyes causing blood to splatter all over the windows, turning the light in the train into a light red.

Twilight suddenly heard a booming sound and before she knew it, she was being engulfed in flames as both trains exploded.

***
Twilight suddenly snapped back to reality, Rainbow Dash and Applejack sleeping, Pinkie Pie smiling at Rainbow Dash and Applejack sleeping, Rarity still talking about Las Pegasus and Fluttershy, who managed to face her shyness and socialize with the pony next to her. Fluttershy noticed Twilight’s distressed state and moved to a seat closer to her, inviting her new friend. Twilight started to calm down as they came over.

“Who’s your new friend?” Twilight asked.

“Twilight, this is-” Fluttershy started but was interrupted by her friend.

“Allow me. Hello, I’m Midnight.” she said, her voice smooth like velvet “Fluttershy has told me all about you…” she added, lengthening the ‘you’ as if asking for her name.

“Oh, I’m Twilight. It’s really nice to meet you Midnight.” Twilight said.

“Um…Twilight, I heard you screaming a couple of minutes ago. Is everything alright?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight started hyperventilating. “No! Everything is not alright,” she replied sharply “We are all going to DIE!” Rarity and Pinkie Pie turned to Twilight to see if they heard right.

“Excuse me Twilight?” Rarity questioned. “I said that we are all going to…die!” Twilight repeated. “That excruciating headache I just had was me having a vision, and it showed me that this train will crash and kill everyone on board, even us!” Twilight took a deep breath as she finished her explanation, trying to calm herself down.

Twilight noticed a small glow coming from the door leading to the front of the train. Oh no! Twilight thought. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slowly waking up from the outbursts happening between their friends. This was sped up by Twilight vigorously shaking them while shouting “We’re all going to DIE!”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack simultaneously said “WHAT!”

“I said…” Twilight started but was distracted by the train slowing down. Suddenly, a security guard stood right in front of the group of ponies, glaring at Twilight who is still on top of Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

“Miss, you and your friends are disturbing everyone in this train. I’m going to have to ask all of you to leave” gesturing to all of them, including Midnight. Within a few seconds, they found themselves outside the train along with their belongings.

“Oh great Twilight, you ruined our vacation to Las Pegasus.” Rainbow Dash said angrily.

“I’m really sorry everyone, especially you Midnight. You weren’t…”

“I-It’s okay Twilight, really.” Midnight interrupted kindly.

“By the way, Twilight, what did you mean when you said we were all going to die on the train?” But as soon as Rainbow Dash finished her question, they heard a harsh screeching sound coming from the tracks, followed by a loud booming sound. A wave of heat and wind whooshed past them. They could see the flames swallowing the train as it exploded.

“Oh!”

“So, uh, what now?” Applejack asked.

“We could walk back to Ponyville and pretend this never happened,” Twilight answered. “We didn’t travel too far.”

“But what about your vacation, dear?” Rarity said. “Yeah, you said that you’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.” Pinkie Pie added to Rarity’s question.

“Don’t worry girls. Another opportunity like this could pop up anytime soon.” Twilight said with confidence.

“Ok, we understand.” Everyone said in harmony, followed by giggling as they started their walk back to Ponyville, with Midnight following along.

Comments

[SkyStream]

*reads description*

so we can expect over-the-top comedic death sequences?

[Inferno demon Dash]

Seriously loved it, but the ending felt really rushed and not real whatsoever. If you must do a pairing then I'm all chill for Rainbow Dash and Applejack but would you also mind doing a bit of Spike/Twilight pairing as well? I'm a really huge fan of that pair. Anyway, I'm impressed by this and will track and give you honest feedback, hoping to see more of one of the greatest series ever created, though you may wish to edit chapter one a bit. Go DERPY!!!!

[Dark Lightning]

Im not sure if to read since I've read one and it pretty much just copied the whole movie, but with ponies.
Meh, I'll give it a try and see if I like it.

[Dark Lightning]

*read it*
Alright, its new, and I like it.

[A mess]

701811
You mean like rainbow and applejack are sitting on a bench in a near by town when rainbow buys a daisy and beet sandwich with extra mayo that turns out to be expired and when she goes limp after a slight gag applejack turns over with a "you okay there suger cube?" prodding her in the belly causing causing rainbow to noisily expel some flatulence thus prompting a puzzled applejack gives a couple quick inquisitive sniffs
4.bp.blogspot.com/-zrfMEwf8dKc/TsiHH9Eu9SI/AAAAAAAAAAs/IyXUE_zj1pQ/s45/Applejack-msn.png and with an "ew..." faints dead away and they both die.

something like that?

[Rainbow_Dashtruction]

702259 i believe that counts as a minor final desination death, not over the top final destination death. Maybe if the fart caused a butterfly to go flying into the human dimension, causing a tornado, causing a plane to fall into equestria, causing it to explode onto a house causing a plank to fly around the globe, landing on a nearby apple cart pullers leg, causing him to buck in pain, causing his cart to explode causing a apple to fly into the sky, causing a pegasus to fall out of the sky, causing the pegasus to land on a buffalo, causing a stampede through ponyville, causing a building nearbys foundations to weaken, causing it to sway a bit, causing a brick to fall onto rainbow's head causing a piece of her skull to explode, causing it to fly straight into applejacks skull, causing a pony who reads this out without pausing to have their lungs collapse, finally causing their death.

[A mess]

702561

ooooooh!
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133835483541.png

[Winonatank]

This is very good for your first fanfic. The ending is lacking the mood set at the start of it though... It just doesn't feel right that they would just forget everything. Know what I mean? It just seems vague and ignorant of them to just leave without a word like that. Otherwise, you've made a good start. Fabulous imagery there, eeyup, sure brings the blood bath to life. Keep doin' that. I like that OC, she adds a sense of mystery. As I've said before, keep moving forward. Just work on the mood and stay in character. Also, ease up on the parentheses and add a little bit more dialogue. It brings the characters to life. Happy writing.

[ProfessorArgon]

Somepony's gonna get hit by a bus.

[C0NN3X10N5]

CHALLENGE: How many sequels do you think can sprout from this?I'm full of crazy ideas right now!

[Perfect Prime]

I liked this and as Winona pointed out, it was a brilliant start, but I also feel that the ending was a tiny bit rushed. I also found a few minor mistakes and I'll just list them here if you don't mind.

----------

1) (no matter how much pain it’s going to cost).
(Twilight not telling her friends about the visions she’s been having)
(and Opalescence) and pretty much every where else you used brackets.

Basically, try to avoid using brackets and replace them with commas, dashes or semi-colons. It makes it look a bit better and appear more formal.

2) "having their equal amount of stress as Twilight."

I think you should replace "their" with "an" since this just doesn't read that well.

3) "The most eager to join was Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity."

Should be "were" because there are three ponies mentioned.

4) "it would be nice to take a little bit of time-off from their duties."

I think you should get rid of the words in bold since the sentence doesn't read well with them there.

5) "The inside looked much bigger than from the outside"

This sentence would be a bit less confusing if you used "train" instead of "inside"

6) "Twilight has never seen before."
"Her cutie mark is a crescent moon but it also outlines the dark-side of the moon. The moon itself is partially covered by a cloud at the bottom and there
are three yellow stars around the moon."

Replace the bold words with had, was, outlined, was, and were. Finally, instead of using "the moon" at the end, say something like "it," or "Luna's past prison" Anything other than "the moon" basically.

7) "After about 10 seconds"

Should write "ten" instead of "10" here.

8) "having spilled cider on it"

I think the past tense of spill is spilt.

9) "Twilight, now soaked in blood, she noticed Rainbow Dash"

There's no need for the "she" here.

10) "“Excuse me Twilight?” Rarity questioned. “I said that we are all going to…die!” Twilight repeated"
"“But what about your vacation, dear?” Rarity said. “Yeah, you said that you’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.” Pinkie Pie added to Rarity’s question."

Never have two different characters speak in the same line and might want to replace "questioned" with something simpler and more implicative like "stammered" or "stuttered" -- something that can let you imagine how Rarity looks as she asks Twilight to reply. Also, replace "said" with asked, questioned, pressed, interrogated -- anything that makes it clear Rarity is asking a question.

11) "That excruciating headache I just had was me having a vision."

"That excruciating headache I just had was due to a vision."

12) "Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slowly waking up from the outbursts happening between their friends"

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slowly waking up to the outbursts of their friends

13) "who is still on top of Rainbow Dash"

"Who was still"

14) "“Miss, you and your friends are disturbing everyone in this train. I’m going to have to ask all of you to leave” gesturing to all of them, including Midnight"

Everyone on this train. Also, you don't actually mention whose speaking and even though you did mentioner the security guard earlier, you still need to indicate who is speaking after the actual dialogue.

15) "“By the way, Twilight, what did you mean when you said we were all going to die on the train?” But as soon as Rainbow Dash finished her question"

You should add something like "asked the athlete" before "but as soon as" for it to read better.

16) "Rainbow Dash finished her question, they heard a harsh screeching sound coming from the tracks, followed by a loud booming sound"

You've repeated sound here so you can replace "booming sound" with boom instead.

----------

I'm sorry for making this huge list and probably masking you feel bad but think of it this way: this is you're first fic and with a gentle push from your readers, you can only improve from this point onwards. Think of this unsightly list as your "nudge in the right direction."

All in all, I really liked this fic and I really look forward to reading more of it when you get around to writing it. Keep up the good work and good luck to you in your endeavours. The beginning is always tough, but when you stand high on the mountaintops and look out over the world, aspiring to be like those of legends, then remember that it was because of your fans and your followers that you were able to climb so high, see so far and come so close to the absolute crème de la crème.

[C0NN3X10N5]

711998 I really needed this. Thanks!

[Perfect Prime]

764370 No problem mate. Sorry again for the enormous wall of text, but as long as you found it useful...

[C0NN3X10N5]

701922 Ooooooooh, mind giving me a link to that?