My first fic ever. This is a story of Twilight and her friends who escape from certain death. They soon learn that you certainly cannot escape from death or cheat it. Basically, this is ponified version of 'Final Destination'. I put in a little comedy in here although I'm not sure many people will see it. Constructive criticism and critiques are much appreciated.
THANKS TO: Ickhart and Winonatank for giving me all the support I needed.
petra13131 for letting me use her OC Midnight.
I do not own 'The Final Destination' franchise
Chapters (1)
*reads description*
so we can expect over-the-top comedic death sequences?
Seriously loved it, but the ending felt really rushed and not real whatsoever. If you must do a pairing then I'm all chill for Rainbow Dash and Applejack but would you also mind doing a bit of Spike/Twilight pairing as well? I'm a really huge fan of that pair. Anyway, I'm impressed by this and will track and give you honest feedback, hoping to see more of one of the greatest series ever created, though you may wish to edit chapter one a bit.
Go DERPY!!!!
Im not sure if to read since I've read one and it pretty much just copied the whole movie, but with ponies.
Meh, I'll give it a try and see if I like it.
*read it*
Alright, its new, and I like it.
701811
You mean like rainbow and applejack are sitting on a bench in a near by town when rainbow buys a daisy and beet sandwich with extra mayo that turns out to be expired and when she goes limp after a slight gag applejack turns over with a "you okay there suger cube?" prodding her in the belly causing causing rainbow to noisily expel some flatulence thus prompting a puzzled applejack gives a couple quick inquisitive sniffs
4.bp.blogspot.com/-zrfMEwf8dKc/TsiHH9Eu9SI/AAAAAAAAAAs/IyXUE_zj1pQ/s45/Applejack-msn.png and with an "ew..." faints dead away and they both die.
something like that?
702259 i believe that counts as a minor final desination death, not over the top final destination death. Maybe if the fart caused a butterfly to go flying into the human dimension, causing a tornado, causing a plane to fall into equestria, causing it to explode onto a house causing a plank to fly around the globe, landing on a nearby apple cart pullers leg, causing him to buck in pain, causing his cart to explode causing a apple to fly into the sky, causing a pegasus to fall out of the sky, causing the pegasus to land on a buffalo, causing a stampede through ponyville, causing a building nearbys foundations to weaken, causing it to sway a bit, causing a brick to fall onto rainbow's head causing a piece of her skull to explode, causing it to fly straight into applejacks skull, causing a pony who reads this out without pausing to have their lungs collapse, finally causing their death.
702561
ooooooh!
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133835483541.png
This is very good for your first fanfic. The ending is lacking the mood set at the start of it though... It just doesn't feel right that they would just forget everything. Know what I mean? It just seems vague and ignorant of them to just leave without a word like that. Otherwise, you've made a good start. Fabulous imagery there, eeyup, sure brings the blood bath to life. Keep doin' that. I like that OC, she adds a sense of mystery. As I've said before, keep moving forward. Just work on the mood and stay in character. Also, ease up on the parentheses and add a little bit more dialogue. It brings the characters to life. Happy writing.
Somepony's gonna get hit by a bus.
CHALLENGE: How many sequels do you think can sprout from this?
I'm full of crazy ideas right now!
I liked this and as Winona pointed out, it was a brilliant start, but I also feel that the ending was a tiny bit rushed. I also found a few minor mistakes and I'll just list them here if you don't mind.
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1) (no matter how much pain it’s going to cost).
(Twilight not telling her friends about the visions she’s been having)
(and Opalescence) and pretty much every where else you used brackets.
Basically, try to avoid using brackets and replace them with commas, dashes or semi-colons. It makes it look a bit better and appear more formal.
2) "having their equal amount of stress as Twilight."
I think you should replace "their" with "an" since this just doesn't read that well.
3) "The most eager to join was Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity."
Should be "were" because there are three ponies mentioned.
4) "it would be nice to take a little bit of time-off from their duties."
I think you should get rid of the words in bold since the sentence doesn't read well with them there.
5) "The inside looked much bigger than from the outside"
This sentence would be a bit less confusing if you used "train" instead of "inside"
6) "Twilight has never seen before."
"Her cutie mark is a crescent moon but it also outlines the dark-side of the moon. The moon itself is partially covered by a cloud at the bottom and there
are three yellow stars around the moon."
Replace the bold words with had, was, outlined, was, and were. Finally, instead of using "the moon" at the end, say something like "it," or "Luna's past prison" Anything other than "the moon" basically.
7) "After about 10 seconds"
Should write "ten" instead of "10" here.
8) "having spilled cider on it"
I think the past tense of spill is spilt.
9) "Twilight, now soaked in blood, she noticed Rainbow Dash"
There's no need for the "she" here.
10) "“Excuse me Twilight?” Rarity questioned. “I said that we are all going to…die!” Twilight repeated"
"“But what about your vacation, dear?” Rarity said. “Yeah, you said that you’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.” Pinkie Pie added to Rarity’s question."
Never have two different characters speak in the same line and might want to replace "questioned" with something simpler and more implicative like "stammered" or "stuttered" -- something that can let you imagine how Rarity looks as she asks Twilight to reply. Also, replace "said" with asked, questioned, pressed, interrogated -- anything that makes it clear Rarity is asking a question.
11) "That excruciating headache I just had was me having a vision."
"That excruciating headache I just had was due to a vision."
12) "Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slowly waking up from the outbursts happening between their friends"
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were slowly waking up to the outbursts of their friends
13) "who is still on top of Rainbow Dash"
"Who was still"
14) "“Miss, you and your friends are disturbing everyone in this train. I’m going to have to ask all of you to leave” gesturing to all of them, including Midnight"
Everyone on this train. Also, you don't actually mention whose speaking and even though you did mentioner the security guard earlier, you still need to indicate who is speaking after the actual dialogue.
15) "“By the way, Twilight, what did you mean when you said we were all going to die on the train?” But as soon as Rainbow Dash finished her question"
You should add something like "asked the athlete" before "but as soon as" for it to read better.
16) "Rainbow Dash finished her question, they heard a harsh screeching sound coming from the tracks, followed by a loud booming sound"
You've repeated sound here so you can replace "booming sound" with boom instead.
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I'm sorry for making this huge list and probably masking you feel bad but think of it this way: this is you're first fic and with a gentle push from your readers, you can only improve from this point onwards. Think of this unsightly list as your "nudge in the right direction."
All in all, I really liked this fic and I really look forward to reading more of it when you get around to writing it. Keep up the good work and good luck to you in your endeavours. The beginning is always tough, but when you stand high on the mountaintops and look out over the world, aspiring to be like those of legends, then remember that it was because of your fans and your followers that you were able to climb so high, see so far and come so close to the absolute crème de la crème.
711998
I really needed this. Thanks!
764370 No problem mate. Sorry again for the enormous wall of text, but as long as you found it useful...
701922 Ooooooooh, mind giving me a link to that?