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[Derpy vs Fluttershy] - Ponyville 4th Annual Staring Competition Finals3,442 words
[Twilight vs Pinkie] - The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials3,882 words

[Twilight vs Pinkie] - The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials

“Thanks for tuning in with us, folks. We are just about to witness Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie go book-to-book in the ReadExtreme Speed-Reading with Meaning and Toned-down Feelings of which I am Deeming, Cleaning, will not be Competing... Competition. I’m Bob.”

“And I’m Jim. And it’s just called The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials, Bob.”

“Just thought I’d add a bit of rhyme this time, Jim. I probably don’t have to warn our viewers out there, but there’s going to be a lot of reading happening.”

“Yes. For those unfamiliar with the sport of competitive speed-reading, what will happen here is Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie will each be given a pile of the same ten books. Neither of them have read these books before, so neither will know what to expect.”

“Remind me again how we know neither of them have read these books, Jim?”

“That’s because, Bob—and get ready for this—these are math-history-economic-law textbooks. You couldn’t pay a pony to read these blocks.”

“Not at a normal pace at any rate.”

“The first pony to have read all ten of their books, cover to cover, will be declared the winner of the ReadExtreme.”

“Today’s exhibition match will be taking place in Princess Twilight Sparkle’s castle library. Gotta ask Jim, you think there might be the slightest bit of home field advantage going on here?”

“Well Bob, it’s hard to have Twilight and library without a home field advantage. Though I suppose you’re right that this is a literal home advantage. It is no exaggeration to say that Twilight—in preparation for this competition no doubt—has slept here for at least the past few months.”

“Gotta admire that dedication. But not as much as you gotta admire the audacity of Pinkie Pie to challenge the princess of books and reading, at books and reading. I admire her gumption, but I don’t see how she stands a chance, Jim.”

“Don’t forget, Bob, this isn’t your typical reading: this is speed-reading. I agree that Pinkie Pie has an uphill climb ahead of her, but where Twilight is a pro in the reading, Pinkie may make up for that in the speeding. For all we know, she may have a trick up her sleeve that will win her this ReadExtreme today.”

“And with more on Pinkie’s tricks up her nonexistent sleeve, let’s head down to our spotlight on the action, Spotlight. Spotlight...”

“...Hey, Bob. As you can see behind me, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie are just about ready to get this read-off underway. The official over there is giving one final check on their stack of books before they get going. I asked Pinkie Pie earlier today if she was going to bring something to the competition knowing she was going up against such a seasoned reader. She told me her plan was simple. She is going to put her face in the book. Just plop her face right there in the book. She called this her patented Face-book strategy. That along with copious amounts of sugar-loading before the competition. Back to you, Bob...”

“...Thanks Spotlight. Well Jim, that explains why she’s so jittery down there.”

“Pinkie may be too jittery, Bob. Remember that in speed-reading, you still have to read. Anything Pinkie misses reading she will have to go back and reread correctly. While energy is part of what separates the speed-readers from the everyday-readers, too much energy may only lead to mistakes. And given her competition, Pinkie can’t afford to make any mistakes.”

“Well there’s no questioning that Twilight has a greater experience in this field. What is worth questioning is if Pinkie’s strategy is really enough. Are jitters and Face-Book enough to beat the princess at her own game? Jim, we’re about to find out. Both competitors have snuggled up into prime reading positions right beside their stack of ten books, and are ready to go.”

“The official is giving them one final rundown before they begin. Also, we want to apologize that our sound equipment malfunctioned in transit and—save for Spotlight—we will be unable to hear the ruling on the floor as it happens. We will do our best to interpret what we can see from here.”

“It’s like they’re in a library, Jim. Shush! No noise allowed.”

“I suppose it’s only appropriate. We’ll keep in touch with our field reporter to stay up to date on the competition as it gets underway.”

“Actually it looks like they just started! Each of them have grabbed their first book and are zipping through pages now. Pinkie is bursting through hers at a rapid speed, while Twilight appears content to take a more relaxed pace. Gotta say, Jim, it’s quite mesmerizing watching their eyes go.”

“Try not to get lost in them, Bob. Also, can we get a closeup of their first book? I’d like to see their titles as we go…. Their first book appears to be... Twenty-Nine Uses of The Pegathagorus Theorem in the Court of Law. Oh boy. They don’t start easy with these, do they? That is a thick textbook.”

“You just gotta push through it, Jim. The slower you read, the more painful the book.”

“Now that we’re underway, Bob, I forgot to mention one advantage Twilight has in this competition.”

“What is that, Jim?”

“Her magic. Twilight can use her magic to levitate the next book off her stack to save her a few precious seconds over picking it up with her hooves as Pinkie will have to do.”

“So… are we talking like... a total of two seconds saved?”

“...Okay, it’s not much. But more importantly, she doesn’t need to use her hooves to flip pages. This can allow her to maintain her focus better on reading rather than keeping her hooves at the ready to flip each time she finishes a page.”

“I guess…. That does make the minutiae of page turning all the less time consuming. But honestly, Jim? Do you really think that’s going to make the difference here? I mean-”

“Just a sec, Bob. Twilight has put down her first book already. That was quick. She has immediately levitated her next book off the stack which is... How the Chain Rule and Financial Potholes Relate…. I don’t even want to know how, Bob.”

“Neither do I, Jim. But as I was saying, I’m tired of those sports columnists who like to complain about the so-called unicorn advantage: that is to say when a unicorn gains an unfair edge over other ponies in a sport through the use of their magic. They always point to small aspects, like page flipping, as evidence as to why unicorns seem to strive in certain competitions. But I gotta ask, really? Is that really gonna make a difference, Jim? I’ve heard a bunch of claims about the unicorn advantage, but personally, I don’t think it’s real.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I don’t. I don’t think the unicorn advantage exists.”

“Well in that case, what about the alicorn advantage? Or maybe the princess advantage? ‘Cause it appears Twilight has put down her second book while Pinkie is still struggling to get through her first. Pinkie’s initial speed has slowed down dramatically since the start.”

“Those twenty-nine uses will hold you up, Jim.”

“But do you think Twilight is not benefitting from using her magic here?”

“I didn’t say that, Jim. I said I don’t think the unicorn advantage exists in any relevant way. She may be benefitting from what her magic allows, but who knows if that method is costing her somewhere else? In the end, the better speed-reader will come out ahead. If Twilight happens to win, it’s because she’s the better speed-reader. Plain and simple.”

“That’s an interesting point, Bob. But regardless, Pinkie is gonna have to do something quick lest she fall prey to what I will call the Twilight advantage.”

“I think she’s just the better speed-reader, Jim. Nothing more to it. Pinkie was clearly outclassed here from the start.”

“And to drill-in that point, Twilight has just finished reading her third book, Optimism in the Depression, and has moved onto her fourth book, Calculus, A Limit Towards Infinity.”

“Infinity ain’t far enough between me and these books. But look at that! Pinkie solved how the Pegathagorus Theorem can be used in a court of law and has placed down her first book. I’m sure that information will be useful someday. Until then, she has now started on book two, How the Chain Rule… the chain rule one. But still, it’s not looking good for her, Jim. She already looks winded.”

“Indeed she does, and with nine books still to go. Unfortunately for her, competitive speed-reading is not known for its comebacks. Making up the distance of even a single book is nearly impossible to do, let alone two... now three books as Twilight lays down her fourth book and picks up her fifth.”

“The Fall of the Crystal Empire; A Lesson in Trickle-Down Economics. Yeesh. I don’t know how she does it, but Twilight makes this look like a light read! But before we trickle too far into this one, let’s take a moment to check in with our spotlight on how our speed-readers are doing. Spotlight...”

“...Bob, I am here witnessing what has to be one of the most one-sided speed-reading comp… heh, ‘what has to be one of the most won…’ erm… anyway. I chatted with Twilight earlier before the competition got underway asking if she was nervous about the upcoming ReadExtreme. She told me it would be no sweat since she regularly reads twenty books on a Saturday over tea, before noon, while she brushes her teeth…. How she brushes her teeth and drinks tea, I will never know. But she practically cracked-up laughing when she heard there would only be ten books here today. Bob...”

“...Thanks, Spotlight. That princess, Jim… she’s an egghead.”

“Tell me Bob, It was because of all these books that you decided to get into sportscasting, right?”

“Exactly. Who has time to read these days?”

“Apparently Twilight does as she lays down her fifth book already.”

“Actually, that was her sixth book, Financial WOAHS of the Neighteen-Hundreds. She just picked up her seventh book... When the Quadratic Formula Wiped Trottingham Off the Map…. Who writes this drivel, Jim?”

“Heh. Well, uh… I’m sure whoever wrote it is quite the, um… oh hey look! Pinkie Pie finished her second book and has moved onto Optimism in the Depression.”

“But does that book have enough optimism for her? She is still four books behind Twilight.”

“Indeed. For those of you just tuning in, Pinkie Pie has just finished two books to Twilight’s six- scratch that, seven books. Twilight has just started her eighth book out of ten.”

“The Cottage Bubble; Economic Crisis or Mathematical Adventure? Just when you think they can’t get any worse! Great Celestia, not even a bonfire would want these books!”

“Yes Bob, speed-reading is an art, but competitive speed-reading is brutality. Once you get to the big leagues, there’s no such thing as an easy read. It just goes to show: if you want to enter the ReadExtreme, you best have the endurance of a buffalo and the tolerance of a bro-”

“Hold up! Pinkie just put down her third book. She’s not giving up yet- wait, wait… no... oh dear. She was so focused on her own books that she hadn’t noticed Twilight’s finished stack of seven books yet. Jim, that cannot feel good to see.”

“Well Bob, it’s like Pinkie said, you just gotta put your face in the book. If she has to go down, she might as well go down reading. It does seem Twilight is slowing down a bit though. Actually, she’s looking quite confused down there. This may be the break Pinkie needs, though I can’t tell for sure what’s going on from here. Spotlight, can you give us an update?”

“...Sure can, Jim. It appears in reading The Cottage Bubble, Twilight is caught up on an analogy about a pie chart and a mortgage having a debate about horseshoe prices at a carrot-dog stand. I mean, clearly that doesn’t make any sense, right? Why would a pie chart care about horseshoes?”

“...Thanks for the update, Spotlight. Well Bob, seems like that may hold her up. A good tip for any aspiring speed-readers out there is to practice breezing past any random analogies you come across. Kinda like those pitfalls you find while trotting across the desert in autumn. Yeah, just like those. Better just to avoid them.”

“In other words, when you come across an analogy pitfall, it’s best not to read into it.”

“… … … That was good one, Bob.”

“Thanks, Jim.”

“But it seems Twilight has moved past that conundrum and is onto her ninth book already... Bigone Biweekly Bisections of Biology.”

“I don’t know how any of this bi-lates anymore, Jim.”

“Hopefully more than that pie chart did, Bob. But I’m afraid this competition was a foregone conclusion from the start. With just two books to go, Twilight has nearly wrapped up this ReadExtreme, leaving Pinkie Pie on the waiting list.”

“Not even the Dewey Decimal System could save Pinkie now. As I said earlier, I don’t know how she stood a chance here. Though to her credit, against Twilight, who would have? And I know ponies will bring it up, but I don’t want to hear anything about the unicorn advantage or the alicorn advantage or the princess… whatever advantage. All that’s happening here is simple. Twilight has played a fair game that she was unintentionally training for all her life. Not even Pinkie’s jitters are enough to compete with that.”

“Yep. Even as Pinkie Pie lays down her fourth book, Twilight picks up her tenth and final book: Money Mattress; Comfortable Appreciation…. I suppose that’s an appropriate title considering Twilight’s comfortable lead.”

“Easy there, Jim. Don’t make me complement your quips! Though I gotta hand it to Pinkie here. She has only sped up as the competition has gone on. Like a true athlete, she pushes herself to the brink, even when the match has long been decided.”

“It’s not every day you see a competitor push herself this hard when she is this far behind.”

“It is impressive to see, Jim.”

“Pinkie Pie even manages to put down her fifth book. But with five books still to go, Twilight Sparkle places Money Mattress on top of her finished pile and takes the win. I’d like to say I was surprised, Bob, but I’m afraid that was as expected as it could be.”

“I’d say one surprising outcome of this match was that Pinkie actually managed to make it halfway through her stack of books against the reading legend herself. If we could just stuff two Pinkies together, then perhaps it would have been a close match.”

“If you want to look at it that way, Bob. But really, who’s to say? Twilight had this in the bag from the start. Who knows if she was even trying?”

“At any rate, lets check in once again with our field reporter on the spot. Any final thoughts, Spotlight?”

“...Why would a pie chart care about horseshoes? That makes no sense!”

“...And I suppose that concludes this ReadExtreme. I’ve been Bob.”

“And I’ve got to stop you right there, Bob. There is some commotion going on between Twilight and the official down there.”

“Wait, why? Didn’t the official call it already? Twilight won.”

“I thought so, but...”

…

“Hold up! Bob, I’ve got what’s going on.”

“What is going on, Jim? Twilight won this already?”

“But she didn’t. Look there, where the official’s pointing.”

“At Money Mattress? I don’t see why… oh…. Oh no! Twilight’s tenth book has a page missing! The last page is missing! She technically has not finished reading Money Mattress. The competition is still going!”

“Twilight is furious with the official, but he refuses to declare her the winner. Not until she finishes reading the final page of her tenth book. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie has kicked into overdrive. She has already sped through her sixth book and is on her seventh as we speak.”

“This is unprecedented! Twilight is tossing her books everywhere right now in search of that missing page. She has to find it before Pinkie overtakes her in what could become the biggest upset in competitive speed-reading history! Jim! Is this really happening right now?”

“It is Bob. The rules clearly state that a book can only be considered read if the reader has read through every single page. I don’t know how, but there’s a page missing from Money Mattress and Twilight has to read it in order to take victory in this ReadExtreme.”

“Money Mattress, what have you done? Pinkie has just nailed down her eighth book and is onto her ninth!”

“Twilight is emptying every shelf in her library in search of that missing page. I don’t know, Bob, this is just making a bigger mess to sort through.”

“But it’s what she has to do, Jim! She needs to find that page to wrap this up and she’s running out of time to do it! Pinkie has just laid down her ninth book and has cracked open her own copy of Money Mattress, her tenth and final book! This is it! It’s now or never Twilight! Where is that page?”

“Pinkie Pie is practically vibrating at the speed she’s reading right now. She’s almost finished.”

“Wait! There it is! Twilight found the page!”

“Pinkie Pie slapped down her last book. She is done.”

“Oh no! Pinkie was too late! She couldn’t quite wrap it up before Twilight found her missing page. Jim, you can see the disappointment on Pinkie’s face. She was this close!”

“Hold on, Bob. Twilight found her missing page before Pinkie Pie finished, but Twilight hasn’t read that page yet.”

“Wait. you don’t mean…”

“I think…”

“Pinkie won? Pinkie Pie won? Did Pinkie Pie seriously just take the win? I can’t believe it! In a challenge against the reading princess herself, Pinkie Pie has reigned victorious in this ReadExtreme! Folks! Jim! I am speechless right now!”

“Apparently so are the competitors, Bob. Neither of them are celebrating. Rather, they both look... upset.”

“That’s… odd. It seems the official is giving them some conflicting messages down there. Spotlight, are you getting any of this?”

“...It doesn’t make any sense!”

“...Spotlight!”

“...Oh hey, Bob. Yes it seems the official claims that neither competitor has finished their ten books. In fact, the official claims neither competitor has finished their first book.”

“...Huh. Your right, Spotlight. That... doesn’t make any sense.”

“...No, it makes perfect sense, Bob. The official claims that they were never speed-reading, but instead were actually speed-skimming. It doesn’t disqualify them, but Twilight and Pinkie would have to start back from book one and neither one wants to do… heh, ‘book one and neither won….’ Uh, but... I must admit Bob, this is the first event I’ve reported on where both competitors feel cheated. And I don’t know how, but I feel cheated by that pie chart. Doesn’t make sense, Bob...”

“...Thanks, Spotlight. You’re one of a kind. Now... I gotta say, Jim, with calls like this, I don’t think there’s a future for the sport of competitive speed-reading.”

“Well the point here, Bob, is that neither of them were technically reading. If they were reading, we’d have a winner.”

“No, they were reading. We saw what happened down there. That official doesn’t know squat!”

“Regardless, I’m afraid that there won’t be a winner of The ReadExtreme Speed-Reading Trials today. Both competitors seem to have agreed to forfeit rather than start the match over again; of which, I can’t blame them. Save for maybe one, those books don’t hold much value in rereading them.”

“Jim, the winner was Pinkie and we all know it. She finished reading first.”

“Oh come on, Bob. Twilight was one page away from winning. One page. She’s clearly the better speed-reader here; which you claimed the winner should be.”

“But Jim, think of the story if Pinkie won this. This match would go down in history had that happened.”

“You’re always for the underdog, Bob. Look, if Pinkie Pie had won, it would have been because of a ridiculous play call by the official. It was exciting while it happened, but one page shouldn’t count when your five books ahead.”

“Who knows, Jim? Even if there are rarely comebacks, that doesn’t mean they can’t happen. What can I say? I’d love to be there when it does.”

“Well, there shouldn’t have been a comeback in this match, Bob.”

“Yeah, maybe. Regardless, I do think there is one thing we can agree on.”

“Yeah?”

“The official is the one to blame here.”

“I completely agree, Bob. What a poor representation of moderation on the part of the official.”

“Just look at him; he doesn’t even care! He didn’t even once let the competitors know they were speed-skimming as he claims they were.”

“Not to mention he checked and double-checked their books and didn’t catch the missing page ahead of time.”

“You know what? I’m curious if he actually did notice the missing page but didn’t do anything about it. Something about him. He just seems like the kind of pony who would do that.”

“I’d be curious if somepony didn’t take legal action against him for this sheer display of negligence.”

“You think somepony would?”

“Maybe. All I’m saying is that if he’s taken to court over this, he better know how to use the Pegathagorus Theorem.”

“Tuh. Well on that note. I’ve been Bob, he’s been Jim, and we’re done here. ‘Til next time, folks.”

Book List:
1) Twenty-Nine Uses of The Pegathagorus Theorem in the Court of Law - by Sea Squared
2) How the Chain Rule and Financial Potholes Relate - by Quantum Bracket
3) Optimism in the Depression - by Up’n Down
4) Calculus, A Limit Towards Infinity - by Coplanar Tangent
5) The Fall of the Crystal Empire; A Lesson in Trickle-Down Economics - by Slippery Slope
6) Financial WOAHS of the Neighteen-Hundreds - by Stinkin’ Rich
7) When the Quadratic Formula Wiped Trottingham Off the Map - by Play-by-Play
8) The Cottage Bubble; Economic Crisis or Mathematical Adventure? - by Derpy Hooves
9) Bigone Biweekly Bisections of Biology - by Binocular, inventor of the Bilingual Bipedal Bicycle
10) Money Mattress; Comfortable Appreciation - by Davenport of Quills and Sofas