Princess Luna interrupts one of Diamond Tiara's dreams to have a VERY long and heartfelt talk about the filly's attitude, and she tells her a thing or two about the victims of her bullying, namely, the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
After that, Diamond Tiara is forced to make a decision.
[…unWARP!!!]
Good evening.
This is a one-shot concerning a certain bully, and the decision she has to make once she is given very important information concerning her victims.
NOTE: I started writing this LONG before “Crusaders of the Lost Mark”, and while I made a few last-minute changes to more-or-less have it fit in with that episode, I’ll still give this an Alternate Universe tag, just in case things get even MORE different later on.
Chantal Strand
Tabitha St. Germain
bring forth
DIAMOND TIARA’S DECISION
with
Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom
Madeline Peters as Scootaloo
Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle
Cathy Weseluck as Mayor Mare
Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity
and Peter New as the doctors
Some segments were co-written with Able DuSable and The Incredible Werekitty.
Edited by Nathaniel T. Freeman
Excellent story. Glad to see someone rake DT over the coals for once rather than just making her a misunderstood "poor little thing".
there have been a few others "Actions have Consequences " by Pegasus-skip comes to mind well done up voted and saved for rereading at times.
6677555
Thank you kindly.
If there was anypony who should have raised a flag with DT and her attitude, it should be Princess Luna.
Excellent fic hope Luna did teach DT a lesson it been a while since I read one of your fics I really enjoyed it particular the cmc dreams about what will do DT
6701860
Thanks
I honestly think this story was just too harsh on Diamond Tiara. It's well written and thought out, but I just can't like this story.
6677555 I actually prefer the poor little rich girl stories compared to being cruelly tormented like DT was done in this story.
6722354
You mean in a similar manner to what DT and SS have done to the CMC up to now?
6722942 Actually, what Luna did to DT is worse than anything DT has ever done to the CMC.
6723051
Confrontation of what one is doing wrong, and being warned of short-term and long-term consequences, is torture?
6723056 When the one you are talking to is a filly and you make threats (perjury? seriously?) then YES it is torture. I'm surprised she didn't try to take her own life after a torturous dream like that. I know I would have.
6723145
This same filly who openly and brazenly lies to her parents AND a Princess of Equestria, and deliberately harassed a filly who MIGHT be handicapped? Not to mention STOLE another filly's milkshakes AND threw out the CMC out of their own clubhouse?
I think DT got off lightly.
6723148 LIGHTLY!!!
You don't tell a filly that her family is going to go broke because of her actions. Banning DT from places, fine. Making sure the family are blacklisted, boycotted, and turned away from an agreement that's been around since the founding of the town?? That is uncalled for.
You don't show a filly that she may get hurt or killed and no one but the assailants give a crap.
You don't make a filly feel like she has no reason to have ANY type of self-worth. True, she did that to Scootaloo, but she's a filly, Luna is a 1000+ years old alicorn.
I this this is FAR from getting off easy.
6723203
And that those consequences are a result of her own actions?
Were you ever bullied in school?
6723207 Regardless, she is a FILLY. You don't do that to a filly. Does she need to be shown what her actions caused, yes. However, what Luna did was far and beyond what was necessary. If not for the school election, I doubt DT would not have been able to go to sleep for some time. No child deserves that.
And yes, I've been bullied. I've also been threatened by my mother to either fight back or fight her. I also got my ass kicked because a friend of mine did something. I also developed self-esteem issues because I felt the only thing I was good at was my academics. So, forgive me if I sympathize with Diamond Tiara and despise Luna's tactics.
6723295
Well, you're entitled to your opinion, and I'll not press further on the matter.
Still, if you compare this story to other DT-hating fics on this site, you'll see that I was a bit more lenient to her than other authors have been.
6723303 Fair enough. I stay away from fics that specifically hate on any character. Even characters I don't like.
Gotta say, i think you handled this one PERFECTLY.
I agree with Bronzedragon in that it's good to see you didn't turn Tiara into a "poor little thing" but rather someone who KNEW what they were doing was wrong but thought they could get away with it regardless.
I also liked how Luna let Tiara tell her side of things before proving oh-so-carefully just how WRONG she was. Cause I'm sorry, my guilty pleasure is seeing arrogant pridebutts be yanked down, and you did a VERY good job there. I also liked how you didn't have Luna semi-revert to Nightmare Moon at all during the discussion. I've read a couple fics with similar premises where Luna turned Nightmare to get the point across, so it's nice to see her remain civil the whole time (I do count the Canterlot Voice as being civil).
You also did a great job keeping everypony in character. If Hasbro decided to take this chapter and make it into an episode, I could picture very little changes in it beyond shortening it to fit in a normal episode's length.
Overall, this story is an Insta-Fave and earns a 10/10 from me. Good job.
6781016
Wow, thanks!!!
SPOILER ALERT!!! (It is easier to do this than to make sure I get everything spoiler formatted. For one thing, I think each paragraph has to be spoilered separately. Easier to read probably too.)
SPOILER ALERT!!!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
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-Thought I might give you a sample of my unusual feedback style in case you want me for a pre-reader old friend. The most unusual part of this style is that I give insight into what is going through my mind as a reader. I suspect I do not typify your readership, but it is, at the least, better than having no such feedback. Naturally I will also mention technical issues and writing style points as I notice them.
A pale pink earth pony filly, with a lavender mane and tail, donned a diamond-studded silver tiara on her head. Her flanks displayed a similar item, much to her pride and joy, and very much proclaimed her given name: Diamond Tiara.
-Rich visual description is usually a good thing. In this case I'm not so sure. I've seen a lot of writers do this, and it may, indeed help draw the reader more into the story. What I wonder is if fanfiction for a cartoon might not be an exception when it comes to the especially prominent characters and locations. In theory the reader should already know what the characters look like, so it might be wasted words. Again, this is just a wild theory of mine, but I thought I should mention it here while I'm thinking of it. I probably should bring it up in one of the writing groups.
While she was pretty and proper by Equestrian standards, her attitude, personality, and general disposition left a lot to be desired, unfortunately.
-I don't know about "proper". Her insults are blatant rather than the slightly more oblique barbs of those who pretend to class (for instance Blueblood). Also, I think you should probably have blank lines between each paragraph for better readability. Use two blank lines, or the horizontal line to separate scenes if you want something to distinguish that from mere paragraph breaks.
she was harassing three other fillies, one yellow earth pony, one white unicorn, and one orange pegasus, i.e., the self-proclaimed Cutie Mark Crusaders™.
-See first comment regarding the text of this story.
Namely, Diamond Tiara, while retaining her filly proportions, was as tall as a two-story house, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were half their normal size, thus making them no larger than insects compared to the giant filly.
-First passage important enough for me to bother with the spoiler tags. I may be inconsistent about that. Okay, so this is a dream. Also, the pendent in me notes that those might be some pretty big insects (I'd have to do some math to be sure), but I suppose Equestria probably has those, even outside the Everfree. Whatever... if you are really worried about you could just insert 'seem' before 'no larger'. I wouldn't mention it except that I'm reluctant to outright REMOVE anything I've typed in this sort of review.
And Diamond Tiara knew perfectly well that she had the upper hoof at this point in time:
“Do my homework or I’ll crush you like the roaches you are!!!”
The yellow filly (Diamond Tiara considered their names to be inconsequential and thus didn’t bother remembering them) looked up and shouted, “But we had plenty o’ problems doin’ our own homework! It took us forever t’ do!”
-Spacing inconsistent. This is also where it occurs to me to wonder if Luna has taken control of the dream yet... or if she ever will be controlling the environment to any great degree, rather than MOSTLY just talking. I think the long summary of the story implied greater manipulation.
Which almost blew away her victims, but a quick stomp pinned their tails to the ground.
-The part of this sentence before the comma feels awkward to me. So does the stuff outside the quote-marks in the previous sentence, although to a smaller degree. Consider combining them. Something like "They would have been blown away by gale-force wind of her shout had she not quickly stomped on their tails, pinning them to the ground."
They weren’t going anywhere.
-Is this supposed to be Diamond Tiara's thoughts, or a fiat command by Luna to the structure of the dreamscape, and thus probably inaudible to DT? If the former, I'd clarify, perhaps by adding "she thought" to the end, perhaps after throwing quote-marks around it. Keep the italics in any case.
“DO MY HOMEWORK NOW, YOU MISERABLE BLANK-FLANKS!!!”
-Still 'Gale Force Sound'? For some reason, this re-emphasizes that this is a dream, or Cheerilee would be giving her detention, both for the volume ensuring she was heard, and the idea of the CMC sitting around during recess doing said homework that Cheerilee could look at to confirm things... yes, this keeps the surreal element up, and doesn't get lost in the wash of the size changes with semi-associated breath-wind. Wierd how the mind work, or maybe this is more specific to me. Probably not unique in your pool of potential readers though.
“With what??? We don’t have any books, paper, or pencils, duh!!!”
-Further drives home the point about doing it at recess. I wonder if she will make them do it in
bloodmud, on their "blank flanks" since by dream logic they are blank enough to write on.And being completely intolerant of their “insubordination” and “defiance” of her orders, Diamond Tiara raised her right hoof one more time…
-Normally I wouldn't bother mentioning the somewhat formal rule about not starting sentences with a linking word like "and", but for some reason it bugged me in this case.
…and flattened her victims with one swift stomp.
-Over the top showing her dark heart expressed though the medium of dreams twisting it beyond anything she would ever do in real life, or Luna twisting things to show a lesson by means of extreme example?
Satisfied that they were now dead,
-Huh, I was expecting cartoonish flattening... really earning that "Dark" tag early, rather than saving it for when Luna shows her her future. Or maybe "earning" is too strong a word. Certainly "a reasonable payment of earnest money" or something like that...
she scraped her right hoof on the grass,
-Implied blood and guts?
but then suddenly realised,
-Or maybe no blood and guts when she realizes it was cartoonish flattening after all?
“Oh, great, now I have to find even more miserable blank flanks to control! But there should be plenty here at school—”
-Whoever is creating this dream is really going over the top. My gut is telling me it is more Luna bending it this way than Diamond Tiara's subconscious, but I wouldn't care to name odds either way. Also, I should probably send you a PM regarding my fanon regarding Diamond Tiara's future. It centers around her cutie mark being about "absolute control" and how she eventually finds peace with that. Also, glancing at the main description page (for some reason I can't remember), I note Pipsqueak, and wonder if he will be her next target.
A sudden vibration on the ground, right under her hoof, interrupted her rant. For a moment, she thought that those miserable blank flanks had somehow survived her fury and were squirming under her, so she pressed her full weight on her leg and twisted her hoof in order to finish them off.
-Luna going to burst out of the ground? I guess she might enjoy to mixing it up between her Pegasus and Earth Pony natures... or maybe the ground will collapse under Diamond Tiara... "Diamonds as flawed as you should just be left in the ground." <- If Luna to turn the tables a bit before showing her the future of the CMC like the description said would happen. "Buried alive" is a step up from even what happened in "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils", but then again, Diamond Tiara has had years to become set in her ways, rather than a day or two and has a mutual reinforcement loop with Silver Spoon (and apparently DT's mother). Incidentally, I don't think the "Alternate Universe" tag should be applied for stuff that hadn't happened at the time of the last major re-write of a story, but that could just be a matter of preference. You should go with whatever the average person browsing this site would expect.
(Previous break was here)
However, instead of the vibrations stopping, they increased, and then, much to her surprise, something solid began forming between her hoof and the ground.
-Ah, I know I guessed this, but I would have actually thought the bottomless sink-hole of endless falling more likely. "Crushed on all sides by suffocating dirt" was the least likely. I wonder if Luna will make a reference to treating others like the dirt beneath your hooves... and then mention that an Earth Pony should know better than to disrespect soil.
Whatever was appearing, it was spherical in shape, and it was glowing with a very intense blue light.
-Ah, so in a bubble of energy, rather than propelling herself through the dirt like a fish in water (although maybe with no motion of the body), or phasing through it like a Dungeons and Dragons earth elemental. This also argues in favor of this being the first time Luna has effected this dream, rather than Luna creating it from scratch, or having amped up the cruelty... which would have required controlling Diamond Tiara's dream form now that I think of it. That might be difficult, impossible, or at least slightly ethically dispreferred for Luna.
In front of her, in all her royal glory, stood none other than Princess Luna.
-I wonder if Diamond Tiara will have been shrunk down by Luna without her noticing? It would seem helpful for gaining the psychological advantage... come to that DT's subconscious might have done that in deference to the highest rank of the social strata (and DT is all about the social strata). Would be interesting if it turns out you keep her giant and Luna her real life size though.
A “pop” suddenly dissipated the light, so when the bully turned to see what had happened…
-Looking back to this line, I wonder when she turned away? It sounded to me like she stepped back, and raised a fore-leg to block the light.
And not only was it Luna, she was proportionately in her full size, meaning that she was much taller than Diamond Tiara,
-This had also briefly occurred to me, although I discounted it as not worth typing about. Also, I THINK I was pretty careful with the scrolling so I didn't accidentally read ahead subconsciously, but I can never be sure. It may happen frequently to me, it may have never happened. No way to know.
Diamond Tiara had enough sense of self-preservation that kicked in at this moment, meaning she quickly bowed and pressed her nose on the ground.
-Awkward phrasing. I suggest something like "Diamond Tiara had enough sense of self-preservation that she quickly bowed and pressed her nose on the ground."
“Aye, but first, we’ll need to ‘reset’ our setting…”
-More non-conclusive evidence that Luna wasn't guiding the dream before she appeared.
-Your spacing continues to be inconsistent. I may or may not mention this again.
but despite the lack of a sun or a moon or any form of light—natural or artificial—they could see everything clearly.
-"lack" may be overstating the case as it connotes a complete absence to me. Starlight is light after all. Although given possible historical fear/avoidance of the night, their nightvision might be even worse than a human's.
“This is a realm of which only I have the power to enter and leave, and only I have the power to bring guests here, such as yourself. It is here where I monitor my subjects and I stay on constant alert against any nightmares anypony may have. Each ‘star’ you see around you is a dream somepony is having at this moment. Some are brief, some are long, and if the dream is a nightmare, the star will turn red and blink rapidly, alerting me to action. I then enter the dream and assist the pony in dealing with whatever fear is causing the nightmare.”
-So rather than showing potential futures she may be going to show the CMC's nightmares? I guess DT may have been bullying them especially badly that day if all of them are having nightmares about her... perhaps some of the nightmares will be unrelated, or perhaps Luna will merely cite past nightmares as evidence. Also the last two sentences here feel like wordy exposition dump. If it was Twilight doing the talking, it might feel right, but for Luna it doesn't work quite as well. Unless maybe DT is a closet intellectual and Luna is adapting her teaching style to that. Probably not.
(Going to go ahead and post this, but only because I don't want to risk losing too big a chunk and once to a mishap. Will probably be editing many further comments into this post, although if I take a break from reading for more than an hour or so I will probably just start a new post, this has been edited twice so far.).