The Long Dark

After some sort of accident, a pegasus wakes up in a strange place, with no idea where she is. Gradually, though, the pieces of her location gradually begin to fall into place, and a terrible realization will dawn upon her.

Chapters (4)

Prologue · 5th Dec 2015 · 355 words
355
Download .txt
Download .html
Floor One - Limbus · 5th Dec 2015 · 1,125 words
1,125
Download .txt
Download .html
Floor Two - Luxuria · 7th Dec 2015 · 1,019 words
1,019
Download .txt
Download .html
Floor Three - Gula · 8th Dec 2015 · 1,127 words
1,127
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Lost_Marbles

Lost_Marbles #1 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · · Prologue ·

Not a bad start.

I'm very curious as to what caused that loud thumping. I liked the description you used to describe it.

Two things I think would improve this chapter:

much refreshed

Is that correct? I had to stop because it felt off to me.

Also, I did a double-take the first time our main character dove through the floor of her house to make sure I read it right. I didn't know that she was a Pegasus (even if she is described as such in the story synopsis) and lived in a cloud house. If you could add the word "cloud" in front of the first instance of "floor" when she dove through it, I think it would help immensely.

One more thing, if you add something a little more personal to the character, it'll help humanize her more and get readers more invested in her.

Other than my nit picks, this is a pretty good start giving questions I would like to see answered.

Lost_Marbles

Lost_Marbles #2 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · · Floor One - Limbus ·

Woah, woah, woah. Wait a minute? The main character is Rainbow Dash? *checks character tag*

Well I'll be. I know I should have checked the tag earlier, but until the one time you mentioned "Rainbow" in the chapter, I thought the character was some OC. You really should have an indication of some sort at the beginning of the story.

Okay, I have something else to say: You've done an excellent job with the atmosphere. It is incredibly thick and boding. You had me at the edge of my seat. That really got me invested in the story. I'm enthralled by this cave and am eager to learn more about it.

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone #3 · Dec 7th, 2015 · 1 · · Floor Two - Luxuria ·

6708240 Actually, the character lacking name and description is part of the story. It becomes story element. And thank you for the compliment. It means a lot.

Lost_Marbles

Lost_Marbles #4 · Dec 7th, 2015 · · · Floor Two - Luxuria ·

Wow. Such a dreary place. Makes me think she's in purgatory.

A Joe in the Bush

A Joe in the Bush #5 · Dec 8th, 2015 · · · Floor Three - Gula ·

Definitely getting a purgatory vibe now. It doesn't help that I just finished reading the Divine Comedy.

I really admire what you've done with the setting and tone. So much about the world is described in so few words. You know exactly what everything looks like. It serves as a neat contrast to the undescribed characters.

Lost_Marbles

Lost_Marbles #6 · Dec 8th, 2015 · · · Floor Three - Gula ·

I knew it. I knew it!

Okay, I thought there were some vibes that seemed familiar.

Well, this is going to be interesting. How will Rainbow trek through the remaining journey? Who is Teller, and why is he helping her? But more importantly: Why is she here in the first place?

You, sir/ma'am, have caught my interest. I look forward to your next chapter, which will be uploaded, in what, an hour or so?