The Long Dark

by NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

Prologue

thump-thump

thump-thump

thump-thump

She was woken in the night by a throbbing, pulsing, thumping sound, like nothing she had ever heard before.

thump-thump

thump-thump

thump-thump

It came from the ground far below her, and she dove through her floor, spiraling down to the field that lay beneath her house, just east of Ponyville.

thump-thump

thump-thump

thump-thump

The sound was emanating from the ground beneath her hooves. The vibration rattled her bones. It was as though a great beast had come into being, and now its heartbeat was shaking the earth itself.

thump-thump

thump

Then just like that, it stopped.

Snorting in frustration and irritation at being woken up at such an unholy hour, she blasted off, soaring back up and into her house, soon falling asleep once more.

Beneath her, the earth was still and silent.

---

The following morning, she woke again, feeling much refreshed and writing off what had happened last night as a dream. Yawning briefly, she rose out of her bed and slowly trotted to the kitchen, quickly fixing herself a bite to eat. The advantage to living in a cloud home, she thought, is being able to chill food whenever you want.

Oh, she knew any moderately powerful unicorn could do one better, keeping food in full stasis, but all the same, it brought a small iota of pride to her for being a pegasus.

Once she had finished eating, she made her way to the door, eager to start the day. As she opened it, she noticed something.

Huh, she wondered, where's that ticking sound coming from?

It couldn't be her clock, she had tossed it a day and a half ago. So what was it?

As she followed the sound, she noticed with some consternation that it was growing more and more rapid. Something seemed familiar about it, but she couldn't quite put it together.

Then she realized, and dove desperately downwards.

She almost made it, too, before there was an enormous explosion and a purple flash blotted out her vision entirely. She felt intense burning, then freezing, and then nothing.

And then she fell.

Comments

[Lost_Marbles]

Not a bad start.

I'm very curious as to what caused that loud thumping. I liked the description you used to describe it.

Two things I think would improve this chapter:

much refreshed

Is that correct? I had to stop because it felt off to me.

Also, I did a double-take the first time our main character dove through the floor of her house to make sure I read it right. I didn't know that she was a Pegasus (even if she is described as such in the story synopsis) and lived in a cloud house. If you could add the word "cloud" in front of the first instance of "floor" when she dove through it, I think it would help immensely.

One more thing, if you add something a little more personal to the character, it'll help humanize her more and get readers more invested in her.

Other than my nit picks, this is a pretty good start giving questions I would like to see answered.