Searching For Starlight

From the Void came Cosmos, and from Cosmos came Light. The stars of the universe, dancing with boundless, raging fire. Each has a soul, and until they unite, they cannot be complete.

Yet, no matter how far she searches, one soul cannot find her star.

She cannot find Sun.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

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meme_hater_6948_

meme_hater_6948_ #1 · May 15th, 2017 · 1 · ·

This fic has some really great imagery going on and I genuinely like some of the phrases you've created, but my only major criticism is that it doesn't really have anything to do with ponies or MLP in general until the last paragraph. Taking it solely as a one-shot story not related to MLP, I'd give your occasionally beautiful prose and excellent use of grammar a 6/10. I can't really rate it as a fanfiction though since it kind of isn't one.

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone #2 · May 15th, 2017 · · ·

8166240 Mmm, that's fair. I was trying to find ways to link ponies into it more, but most of it takes place across so vast and early a time that I have no idea how. I could really use some advice on that, if you have any.

meme_hater_6948_

meme_hater_6948_ #3 · May 16th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8166247

There's a few different approaches which could work while still retaining most of the story's structure. You could rewrite it to be a conversation between Celestia and Twilight, for example. You could also try to remove a few of the more abstract segments about astronomical phenomena and have Celestia ponder her current state on whatever the pony world is called. Or you could expand the story and throw in a couple of flash forwards that show things like Celestia's faint memories of these massive cosmological events in the contemporary pony world. Any of those would be viable and would allow the story to keep being what it is currently while also giving it the benefit of more strongly linking with MLP's current canon.

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone #4 · May 16th, 2017 · · ·

8166274 Thanks, that's incredibly helpful. I'll start editing immediately, because I agree; it's rather far separated from the MLP canon.

On a different note, you mentioned that there are certain passages you liked. Care to tell me which ones, just for my own stupid pride?

EDIT: Well, I've realized that I had almost 1000 words not save, and for some reason didn't notice that almost the entire end is gone and I have to rewrite the entire thing.

Why.

meme_hater_6948_

meme_hater_6948_ #5 · May 16th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8166292

Oh damn that sucks but it happens to everypony. Anyways, the third passage had some really flavorful imagery that I felt effectively set the scene for the greater cosmic story going on. I also loved the line

>Then, far off in the endless depths of space, there was a sound. A bell, rousing me from the velvet night consuming me.

because it managed to be emotional and descriptive without being overly purple-prosey, which is a hard balance to strike.

ChudoJogurt

ChudoJogurt #6 · May 16th, 2017 · 1 · ·

I concur with the previous reviewer.
The technique of writing is generally fine, though I did not find the descriptions especially evocative, unusual and on occasion found them borderline purple prose. But the substance is sorely lacking, and, somewhat questionable and confusing. E.g. I could not help but ask why did only the Sun have a "soul"? Should not other stars also have them (as is implied in the text), but why does Celestia never meet them? How is she then related to Luna, who is actually responsible for MLP stars?

In short it is a somewhat prettified but ultimately vacuous and pointless piece.

Though it does me idea for a fic about Celestia attending the conclave of the stars in the Endless Night comic.

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone

NeverEatTheLemonsAlone #7 · May 16th, 2017 · · ·

8167415 Appreciated. Upon consideration, given the fundamental differences in the cosmology (e.g. Luna not controlling the stars, Equus orbiting Sun), it probably merits an AU tag.

ChudoJogurt