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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yes, I see the link problem.
I wonder where Ruby, Weiss, and Blake are for their story arcs, also I hope they meet up at some point. You have my attention, keep going.
7033714 KO awesome chapter and fight, looks like Yang is going to put herself through some training for her to keep fighting in the new world.![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
![:rainbowdetermined2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowdetermined2.png)
DANG, that was brutal. Made me think of a recent chapter in a different fic that crosses RWBY with Warhammer 40K.
7033744 Well, I know where Blake is in her arc and I can tell you it's not any better.
Meh, I've seen gorier.
Dang, that was brutal, but realistic considering the Manticores don't have aura, I am actually kinda surprised they were able to put as much of a good fight as they did against Yang. All in all it was a great chapter, and I think that this is the most well-written RWBY story on this site in general.
Hopefully Apple Bloom isn't too traumatized by the end of Yang's arc.
Interesting, keep up the good work.
7033825 Here, lemme tell you as a reliable source what's going to happen to everyone:
I'm kidding, I'm not going to derive you of the joy of finding out what happens to everyone
Fuck yes
I presume this is a mistake.
Great story, keep up the good work!
7034173 Shit, I thought I fixed that...
The start of the chapter mentions Applejack can't sleep because of Applebloom's sniffles? But Applebloom isn't in the hospital, right?
Other than that, I was so happy to see the new chapter. Those fuzzy bastards didn't have a chance. I'm guessing AB got herself to Zecora's, I just hope Yang doesn't get herself in trouble. She took a few good hits.
7034208 The "Apple Bloom's sniffles" thing was from an earlier draft. It should be fixed now.
7033780 half expected you to say, "YANG, that was brutal." ....eh? Am I right?![:pinkiecrazy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiecrazy.png)
7034263 -_-
And now Apple Bloom is probably scarred for life, and is now in the Everfree Forest. Good job Yang.
Well... This chapter was a Yang...
Damn.
I guess that's kinda traumatizing; she's right, they don't exactly have blood and gore from their kills on Remnant, so she just killed on a whole different level than she's used to.
7034263
You're bad, and you should feel bad. Shame on you.
7033714
Not sure what that means, I opened up another tab on my laptop just fine, and the YouTube video worked for me.
I thought it was an odd choice for the scene, given how triumphant that song is, and how this scene.... really isn't. The only part that truly fit was when I got to the part of Yang imagining she was brutalizing Torchwick, since by the time I was reading that part, the electric guitar rift came in. But then the fight was over, and the lyrics had returned.
I think the Grimm DO have blood, given the nice shade of red filling we see when they get chopped open. But I assume it evaporates along with every other piece of the Grimm. As an aside for world-building, I think the Grimm do take in oxygen (the purpose of blood being to transport it), which is why we don't see them hop into the ocean walk across the sea floor like an army of undead.
They just don't seem to need much of it, since they don't have much in the way of traditional biology. That could be why there's not much of a blood spray, even when they're sliced in half.
Speaking of slice, do you want to use that word twice in the same sentence?
I know they're being used with two different contexts, but perhaps it would be best to change one of them?
Whoa
Yeah that was brutal, the change to mature tag was absolutely necessary.
That first kill was like a Mortal Kombat finish move. If the updates had followed more smoothly I would I've thought it would have been excessive and ooc, but after seeing how Yang react in the final of season 3, I can totally see her doing that.
Poor Apple Bloom, hope she won't be too traumatize and that Yang can calm down a notch after that, cause like said even in Remnant there ain't that much gore.
Also find a mistake.
paw
7035056 Even if Grimm do have blood (which I don't think they do, that red could simply be a bunch of muscle mass) they don't leave any behind in any situation, so Yang would still notice that killing manticores is much different than Grimm.
Also, I just couldn't figure out a way to word that sentence without using Slice twice.
In regards to the song choice, it was either I Burn or Die. And I felt that I Burn fit just a little bit more, plus it has the honor of being the song that gets alluded to the most through Yang's arc.
7035084 For awhile I considered changing that kill, as the story was still Teen at the time. But I kept it.
I planned on Yang going overkill from the start, though. Before season 3, we never saw Yang really and truly pissed off. So it was fun imaging the carnage she could cause without caring who she hurt. Luckily, the finale gave us a glimpse of her anger and it aligned with what I had in mind.
7035134
Good sir, might I recommend to you thesaurus.com?
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/slice?s=t
7035215 I looked at that. None of the synonyms felt right, so I just stuck with the repeating word.
7035221
Well, okay. Extremely useful site though, right?
7035328 Yup.
Dang... Really ramping up the suspense factor!
Its. Yep, it's all supposed to be Its.
"claw" I suspect. Also, you use "as" twice, so this might be better as two sentences rather than one.
Considering all the scenes of Dash destroying trees, rocks and buildings with her face, that is a doubtful conclusion.
stood, albeit
it was
Also, "the other sans" has already highlighted some places where you used it's instead of its. "It's" is a contraction of "it is" so it is not possessive.
7042515
7038661
Okay, I get it, I've failed as an editor! Get off my back!
*sulk*
7043059 It's not so bad. I've found errors in stories that had four editors.
7043064 Yeah but I pride myself on being four editors all on my own. I like being able to say, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with this chapter now" after i've gone through it.
6934006
Seriously? I've fallen behind a little in the episodes, but now I don't want to catch up.
7043104 You may at least want to read up on the newest episodes. Events taking place in Volume Three will end up being important later on.
7043091 We all have our off days so no worries about it.
7043104 He did put it in spoilers.
7044824 I didn't mean because it's spoiled, I mean I don't want to see that.
7044826 You probably do want to see it, for the sake of clarity of Volume 4 when it comes out. Or at least look up episode synopsis's.
7044962 Or I might just quit watching it. It sounds like a pretty severe shift in tone.
7044978 I'd recommend you still watch it. What episode did you get to?
7044978 Yeah, it escalated very quickly.
Dude, the heck you doin', get back to the keyboard and GIVE. US. MORE!!!
7045762 The one where Yang got framed
7046284 Okay.
Well, you should continue, but that's your choice now.
7047795 It sounds like they lost two of the three characters that I like. I don't like depressing shows where they kill lots of people. If I did, I would watch Game of Thrones instead of My Little Pony.![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
7048062 personally, I don't think they'll be killing anyone else in the near future.
I don't have anything original to say, but I want you to know I like this story.
Good stuff, home boy.
I like this story so far and it's the best RWBY crossover I've read on this site (which isn't saying much) but there is now a glaring problem in it that I can't stand: plot contrivances, or in this case plot armor.
Man, those Manticores had Mark IV MJOLNIR diamond-infused titanium super alloy ray shielded force fielded plot armor that clearly had enough power to withstand a fucking hyper nova without a scratch. I mean seriously, you even said in the story that these things without an aura would be helpless against shotguns. You solidified this by having Yang shoot one of them and, predictably, that single well-placed shotgun blast killed it. You tried to make it epic by saying that she only had 20 shots but lets be honest, a teenager with enough strength to lift a semi-auto shotgun could easily kill 4 lions with it, especially when he/she has the drop on them. You continued trying to make it epic by citing the amount of ammo she had but that just made the strength of their plot armor even more obvious. I mean seriously, she had what, 14 shots left by the end of the fight? A highly trained individual like her should've had 16. For some reason you kept Yang from utilizing her full potential until the end and even then it was so glaringly contrived that I legitimately had trouble reading it.
Here's how this would've gone without the plot contrivances:
Yang jumped into the clearing to see four manticores surrounding what was obviously Apple Bloom who wasn't dead yet for some reason. Being a highly trained pre-huntress from a world where aura protected most living creatures from the full fury of a shotgun blast, she easily aimed and fired four blasts from her gauntlets that made contact with the manticores' skulls, which then exploded because that's what happens when you're shot by a shotgun at relatively close range.
"You okay Apple Bloom?" asked Yang after easily dispatching her opponents.
"Yeah, thanks Yang. Wow, that was really easy. Imagine if you were too stupid to use the shotguns on your wrists."
"Not use my guns? What idiot wouldn't use highly effective ranged weapons attached to their wrists against clearly superior and larger opponents?"
End scene.
I started this chapter knowing that you had a very limited number of options for Yang's battle scene. On one hand you could give the manticores plot armor that kept Yang from killing them immediately, which is what you did. What I was hoping for was that Yang would kill them immediately and then have to fight a significantly harder opponent, such as a hydra, while Apple Bloom gets away. This second option would likely minimize the needed plot armor and make for a significantly more exciting scene (in my opinion).
In case you can't tell, I HATE PLOT CONTRIVANCES, and plot armor is very clearly a plot contrivance. I'll probably continue reading, but please think about how thick your plot armor is before you put it on.
7057289 There's really no way to say this other than:
How do you know Yang was capable of fighting at her full potential?