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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Uh, you might want to use 'force to throw' instead.
'Force to force' just sounds weird and can interrupt the flow of the story.
Either way, 9/10 story you got here.
Yes. So... much... YES!!!
IT HAS BEEN CENTURIES SINCE I LAST SAW A RWBY CROSSOVER ENTER THESE LANDS. AND IT HAS BEEN TWICE AS LONG SINCE IT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD.
This is good stuff so far. If there's any spelling errors or mistakes thought I'm probably not the best to ask but regardless a fantastic story and I can't wait for what happens next!
Overall I like this story, but still some nitpicks: "Faunas" is spelled "Faunus", according to the wiki page. Also, how can Applejack recognize breasts? Do you assume EG as canon here?
With that in mind, I think I'll proceed with some observations as per requested. I'll mostly point out typos and stuff that seems confusing to me. Let's start.
Wouldn't "to fire explosive flares/projectiles" be a better description?
Just a question, but didn't the four of them arrive at the location at the same time? Why does it seem that WBY just arrived to the site right after Ruby was "killed"?
If they didn't arrive at the same time, then I would recommend making it clear that Ruby gave pursuit while her team tried to catch up.
Mustard.
SHUT UP, RAY!
Didn't she threw Yang to the floor just next to her? When did Yang: get up, walked away from Neopolitan, and re-grouped with her team?
I'd recommend making it clear that Yang was thrown towards her teammates.
That phrasing seems a bit odd, imo. "Just seconds ago" would be better.
Using the same pronoun so close to each other just looks odd, imo.
Double quotation marks right there.
Is that really necessary? "Show, don't tell." Or at least tell it in a way that fits the overall tone.
Also, Mercury's weapons are greaves, not actual boots.
"hits." Missing a "t" right there.
FAUNUS! The term is "Faunus." Not Fauna, not Faunas. FAUNUS (Sorry, this mistake is incredibly infuriating for me).
How does Blake know her name?
You should keep better tabs on what does everybody know at this point in the story. For example: All of Team RWBY believes that Mercury, Emerald and Cinder (whose name having been told to Team RWBY is never shown) are just regular students. So at least showing surprise at seeing the two of them involved in the operation would make more sense than "oh hey, they're also here. Let's fight."
Singular noun with Plural possesive. Either make it all plural or all singular.
No. Just, no.
To make it clear, changing the canon name of a character out of convenience is a big no-no. You said that this story deviates from everything PAST "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", so everything before that holds truth in this story. Changing Applejack's name if the story took place in an alternate Equestria would make sense.
From a logical standpoint, why would Applejack take notice of that?
"It also wore some clothes that didn't seem to cover much of its hairless skin," would make more sense.
How can Applejack know that "it" is a female if there are no records of human anatomy in Equestria. She wouldn't know that female humans have their mammaries on their chest.
Why the "but"? Is this contradicting anything else that has been previously mentioned in the same paragraph? Wouldn't "Also" be better?
Sorry for the long comment. I'm still not sure if I will put this in my favourites, but I'll still keep an eye on it.
I thought this was extremely well written, solid flow, amazing descriptions and an impressive sense of tone and character shone through with all the characters. Though I'm surprised Blake knew Cinder's name. Best of luck to you in the future!
FINALLY!!! Something RWBY related on here!!!
.... Uh... I didn't just squee... totally.....
FINE I DID. YOU HAPPY!!! JUST DO IT!
... Why were they just standing there, watching, as their team member got killed? That makes nada sense. I mean, with Ruby it seemed like they just arrived - okay. But with Yang they were just looking while she died?
Holy fuckaroonie! Team RWBY may have fallen in Remnant, but how will they fare in Equestria? You have my attention!
Great job. My issue is everyone's elses issue.
WHY WAS THE REST OF HER TEAM JUST STANDING THERE WAITING TO BE MOWED DOWN?
my that's large.... but at the same time... That's kind of the level of the problem...
Everything else is sheer awesome.
Holy shit. That's the bloodiest moment I've read in connection to RWBY ever...
Give me a moment, please...
Thank Primus! I never though that somebody would make this crossover! But Team RWBY is death?!
This has potential. I'll keep my eye on this.
jesus christ, that got dark QUICK
Host*
Short, sweet, I like it.
As someone who's read both the original version and the rewrite, I have to say this is an improvement. First of all, it properly introduces the world of Remnant, so even if someone isn't familiar with RWBY, they aren't totally lost.
Cutting out the fight scene improved it. At this point, setting up the bulk of the story seems more appropriate then opening with an action sequence, especially when it ended on a tragic note.
Overall, it's shaping up to be a good story. Keep it up!
The revised prologue is much more prology. The flowery language is good for painting a general picture and skipping over the details that either aren't important, or aren't important yet.
Nicely done. You put a good amout of info for fan of both shows, to get an idea of them.
But the night is not devoid of it's secrets, oh no
1. Its.
6676517 blame it being the easiest way to get into equestria....
I blame the internet... and the lack of religions and gods in some realms...
Fascinating! I've always loved RWBY and MLP! But now a crossover? Ooh! This'll be good!
I just found this story and it has promise, but I can't help but notice from the other comments that you removed a fight scene between team RWBY Roman and Cinder, which I would have loved to read. Otherwise good story so far.
8360629
I did indeed remove it, as it ultimately added nothing to the story and it was just 5000 words of senseless violence. The fight is alluded to several other times I may show it off a bit in a later flashback.
I think it would be best to write this sentence as 'A world of Huntsmen and Huntresses, warriors who have sworn to protect the four kingdoms from the Creatures of Grimm.' It sounds more natural.
9517714
Sounds the opposite of natural to me. Too much info poured into one sentence.
Alright, i will say, I’m going to read this whole thing before i pass my judgment, and it’s been a long while since I've been on fimfic, though im probably going to criticize a lot until it grows on me. That being said.
That was an awful lot of telling and little showing. It got the point across, but at the cost of being... well, dull.
“They died”
How though? Could we have seen that expanded upon it? That feels like it coulda been a cool prologue, opening with a fight.
“This is how the worlds work”
Most of us know this and if we don’t, we honestly shouldn’t be reading.
“AJ felt/did/didnt see this”
^that, that right there hurt me the most.
This feels... like nonsense. Why am i being told this?
ALSO! My biggest issue!
... AH! Oh that was just there to be there! The loud explosion was fine but that! Oof... 3rd omnipotent doesn't make for great reading...