What if our dreams allow to glimpse other worlds? What if extraterrestrial creatures can stumble upon our world in their dreams? What if a link becomes more stable?
Three mad scientists (mad in the clinical sense) decided to test some theory about user interface on a random man from the street. Namely, me, a part-time waitress. Then a guy doing forensics for police forced me to eat a breath mint. Which turned out to be an evidence — unknown designer drug. I fell asleep and woke up in Ponyville. It was a nice dream, and I even regretted when it was over. But then...
"Teen" for dangerous substance misuse and possible graphic descriptions of mental disorders and treatment procedures.
On hiatus for now. David Silver started the story with a similar idea, and seems to be doing it better.
I like the Idea.
6711345 Glad someone finally expressed his opinion :)
I really liked the first chapter, second one was a little hard to follow at first.
7103803 Hard to follow? Why? Was the change of viewpoint so jarring?
7106633 [Warning opinion ] it felt like it jumped around an awful lot. I was able to follow the restaurant scene. After that it jumps from her having a bad day (break up, midterms ). Then it jumps to smoking, and tic tacs. Then finally forced vomiting.
I assume the chapter is "first person limited*". Can the main character describe to us what is going on, how the tic tacs taste. Basically more details.
Really enjoyed the first chapter Luna inadvertently yanking some one out of the dream world is such a cool concept. I would love to seeing the rest of the story.
Going to give it a second read see if I can give some more concrete opinions. Give me a few days
[Warning: opinion inbound]
I read it several times more and I think you have the start of some thing really good.
Figured out where I got lost. Starts at the MRI. The problem for me was I wasn't sure what was going on. It felt it could use much more description so I wouldn't feel lost on what was happening. Could one the characters explain why something is happening or perhaps some detailed internal dialogue from the (donkey/human)(I am assuming both are the same person or at least related at some meta level )
1. Why does she need the MRI
2. Why where they making noises
1. Did they take her blood, and why
2. Why where they checking for heroin
I was able to follow the next few paragraphs the ones involving the tic tacs. Though they could use much more description. It moved to quickly for what I assumed is a important scene.
1. What is her reaction
2. Did they taste funny
3. Was she angry
All in all it looks to be a unique story. You had my interest peaked from the beginning. Fleshing it out with more details would be the remedy.
7110255 Those guys are developing software for medics. They wish to test if their software is intuitive enough for a total stranger to use it. The first program she tested was for processing MRI tomograms, the second one was for analyzing chemical composition from spectra. There were no blood tests involved, they used the data collected somewhere else (probably, years ago). Although they work in close contact with medical laboratories and do have access to all the analytic equipment, should they need to analyze a composition of a pill or a human blood sample.
Some things are obvious to all characters involved and warrant no explanations. Yet the readers do need an explanation. Thanks for pointing that out.
As for the taste of tic-tacs, she didn't have much time to taste it. When she opened her mouth, the perma-stubble guy started shouting, she jerked and accidentally swallowed the pill. The scene looked good in my head, but putting it into words didn't work quite right. Maybe I should write that there was this odd chemical taste, like that time when she tried tasting her grandmother's medicines for external use, at the age of three.
7110255 I revised the testing scene, and I'd like you to try it again.
Much more descriptive and easier to follow for sure. I am glad you went back and changed it.
The swapping of different computers was a nice detail tidbits that add depth to the scene.
I liked the snark about urine/blood test. It reminds me of attendance codes here at work (someone fool made them all start with 777,and no one bothered to fix it)
Looking forward to the next chapter
7736325 Thanks. I hope to publish it this year.
Am a bit confused but it's very funny so far
8466068
In short: Luna entered Sunny's nightmare, which reflected her life in another world. Then it got interwoven with hallucinations of a sleep depraved man Sunny knew there. Then he fell asleep and got pulled to Equestria when Luna ran away.
("Sunny" is the waitress introduced in the following chapter. She will get this nickname in the 3rd chapter when I get to finish it.)
8466441
OK