RhetCon
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Most of them involve the substances you were dealing with when you wrote this, so I'll cut to the chase and say this: why would Applejack of all people tolerate this bullshit, sexist, backwards ass nonsense?
6610600 This will sound like just a dumb excuse, but I think it'd make sense. Having it be in an AU, I believe, allows for the characters personality to be changed. Instead of being a headstrong, brutally honest, proud woman to a more submissive, broken one. Maybe I did a bad job, that much is clear, but I think that this is a good enough excuse.
6610480 I used to have a decent editor *looks at Chillbook1* but he's been working on other things, so he hasn't had time. I usually post in the heat of the moment, so a lot of my stories are like this. In the future, I will reread my entire story/chapter like I did with others before it and change any story breaking sentences. We all know they pop up sometimes.
So, that was terrible. I don't even know why i bothered to read what little bit i did at the start.
6610825 I appreciate the comment, but...
Could you tell me why it was terrible? It helps the writer grow.
6610795 Don't blame me for not prereading anymore. You said I was too critical.
6610915 Oh yeah...
Okay, I ran my prereader away because he's an ass.
My bad.
6610923 If you want me to pre-read, all you have to do is ask, darling
6610897 Sure, I should have put more in my comment. Basically I wonder why use these characters at all. AJ effectively is an OC with a paint job, her abusive father is almost comical in his evilness and it dosen't feel like the apple family at all.
Not to mention, it almost reads like some kind of living hell situation, and AJ isn't doing anythign aj would do here. Shes not AJ at all.
Oh, and the father decides to shoot AJ? really?
This is a thing in this story. Then you have Rarity deliver a moral, which is fine, but seems so out of place with the life and death situation, that still isnt resolved and the father threatening to enslave rarity. HES GOT A GDAM GUN here, why isn't she getting the cops?
Like, theres so many things that just don't work together here even if they might work as separate parts.
Does that make more sense as to why I didn't like it?
6610972 Thanks. This does indeed address the reason you didn't find this story good. Moreover, it gives me a good representation of what I can do better in the future. Even though I probably won't be writing a story like this again. I might do better though.
Let me stop. I'm gonna continue writing for a different story.
This story* is not bad, it was only executed* badly, but that's okay; Everyone starts somewhere. Some things you should really work on are your narrative structure, vocabulary, and characterization. I noticed you went from third person to first person during the gun scene for no apparent reason. There was also an unexplained gap in time and circumstance between the Yevi scene and the gun scene. How did Vivi meet with Rarity and why did Rarity go all the way out to the farm? What was her motivation? Everything was also worded so bluntly and with little to no context. The characters were uninspired and lacked depth beyond one trait, besides Rarity and only at the very end. Applejack is sad, but what makes her sad about her life? If it's all she's ever known, why should she think there was anything better? What does she want instead? What made Big Mac decide to disobey his father and leave with his sister and lover? If Coco was afraid of Claus and Klyde at first, why? What made her like them later? Were they funny, gentlemanly, both? Did she find she was attracted to one of them? There's a lot here that can be correctly assumed if we know the characters from the show, but when you throw them into a world as vastly different and darker than Equestria, it makes little sense as to why they are the same characters, unless you give them a past that provides for that personality development. My vocabulary criticism is self-explanatory, I recommend reading some old Victorian-era novels to increase your vocabulary and prose. I also recommend reading work from the likes of Robert Frost, a great American poet, to inspire you to use more metaphor in your work.
Good luck, and keep writing! This was actually a good start to a much longer story.
6611342 I thank you for the comment, and I do agree that I need to learn how to write in a less blunt, straightforward way. My friend says that my lack of writing prowess comes from my actual akward behaviors in real life. I joke that my lack of vocabulary is me being illiterate a lot, but the truth is that I don't know how to apply certain words in a way that will make the flow of the story better. The characters in this story do have backrounds and lost stories that could use immense amounts of explanation, and so I believe that I can work on characterization.
In truth, no matter how I slice it, I'm a mediocre writer at best. And although when I first saw this story I got a little sad, this story has ended up exciting me more than anything. I really want to see how I can improve. Isn't that the reason why mistakes are made? To learn?
For a "MysteriousJerk", you don't act like one at all.
Then again, for a Prince, I'm far from regal.
How the fuck can a society run only by female princesses be patriarchal?
6611943 That's the sense of an AU tag. I guess that answers your question. If it doesn't, please be more specific.
Also, nice pic. Reminds me of Skyrim.
6613167 Makes sense. I would have to specify that. Thanks for the heads up.