• Member Since 11th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen September 12th

ChromeRegios


Someone who's sensitive on things that's vulgar and violent. I WILL retaliate if anyone who's agressive towards me.

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When Octavia Goes to Manehattan to be famous, she encounters and gets attacked by a being called a "Persona" And meets a person named igor who explains the Persona And meets 5 other ponies who got Persona's. But unable to summon her Persona she gets depressed and locks herself in her room and gets attacked yet again by the same persona earlier, she is then abducted and only DJ and the Others can rescue her...

Based on the Game and Anime "PERSONA" by atlus, follows us to find their missing friend and battles other persona's on the way.. will they save octavia, in time before the winter wrap up?

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 7 )

Is this a bioshock crossover?

Your story requires a lot of editing. The first letter of every sentence should be capitalized. You also seem to add unnecessary periods.
Why is there a Bioshock picture? Is this a crossover?

Ok, lets see now... Lesson time!

1. The idea for the story sounds very interesting, but it is far to short (so far) to get much of a point across.
2. The writing is very untidy; you should indent every new paragraph, and start new sentences with capital letters. Also I's by themselves are capitalized.
3. The pauses (...) only need to be three periods long to effective. You don't need any more than those to get the point to the reader that you stop there longer than normal.
4. Check your punctuation. You have a bunch of stray periods that are just sort of hanging around in between sentences that serve no real purpose other than to distract the reader.
5. I strongly suggest you get someone else to help you revise this if you want it to be better.

For now, this is all the advice I can give. Hope this helps a bit.

35274 nope... its called PERSONA from the game as reference

35274 nope... its called PERSONA from the game as reference
35279 gotcha

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