Just another aspiring writer as well as YouTuber. I try to write dark stories, but I'm not good at descriptions just yet. Also, slightly new to the Brony Community.
After the CMC got their marks and became friends with Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom's grasp on reality starts to change. Blurry vision, jumbled words, and that's only the beginning. Friends coming in and out of life, and Apple Bloom has to suffer for it all. How will the CMC get through all this? Will she come to grips with the truth, or will everything she knew dissappear?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I could write an epic trilogy of novels with all the continuity problems this premise has.
But frankly, it isn't worth the effort.
Fight Club did this twist better.
Oh, well.
I really liked this story! You could do something of a sequel with an epic adventure and stuff. Make Apple Bloom have to go and rescue Scoots and Sweetie Bell. It might be hard, but you have a great base to do something awesome with!
I like it!
s sorry
... Well, now I'm sad.
Badly written, poorly paced, unoriginal, completely incompatible with show canon but not marked as AU, and filled with typos.
Just... no.
6553329 Feel free to do so.
6553611 Thank you for your criticism. I'll make sure to do better in my next story.
Nice concept, but the only problem I have with it is that it's not AU. I mean, somepony would've mentioned it at least once in the show's history. And Apple Bloom isn't the only pony who talks to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
So...yeah, it needs an AU tag.
You have me in tears now. That is the most creative fic about them and their cutie marks. And yet such a tragic one.....
And everything you described here makes a scary kind of sense, too much sense actually.
You have no idea how glad I am that this isn't true. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle not really existing, my heart couldn't bear that.....
6553611
All of these things are subjective impressions. Where is your actual criticism? Right now you are just complaining and expressing that you didn't like the story. Be constructive and objective or don't try yourself at criticizing a fic at all.
And don't come me with your precious opinion now..... It's one thing to have an opinion, a completely different one to express it in an insulting way like you did here.
And what you did here was clearly an attempt to say that the story is objectively bad, without actually being objective while doing so, and therefore nothing more than badmouthing of a good story that you don't like.
6554267
Being an author here on FIMFiction.net can be harsh sometimes. Don't let it get to your head what KingMoriarty said, he just doesn't like the idea. As an author, you should only listen to criticism that is actually constructive, not to whining like that.
You were thinking out of the box with this idea which is always important for an author. And it does, as I said, make a lot of (scary) sense what you said here, see below.
6554788
Except for when mentioning it and letting Applebloom know that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle don't exist would cause her to have a complete mental breakdown. There are extreme cases of people with hallucinations where ripping them out of their little worlds would proof to be much more mentally damaging to them than letting them live in peace inside of them.
This could have been the case for Applebloom too; Cheerilee, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and everypony else knew what was up with Applebloom and it was made public that finding out the truth would ruin her mind completely because she needs Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle to cope with the circumstances of her life, so nopony was interfering with her and instead, pretended that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle exist, fake conversations with them included.
"Crusaders of the Lost Mark" proofed that it isn't the case (because Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle would have disappeared after they got their marks together then), but it's a valid interpretation of everything.
6576683 The text is littered with spelling errors, moves too fast for one to get a good impression of anything, this twist has been done a million times already, and the sheer amount of times that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle have been spoken to by characters who aren't Apple Bloom means that they can't be imaginary within the show's canon, so this does need an Alternate Universe tag.
And if you're going to be patronizing and insist that this isn't criticism, then allow me to enlighten you; I give constructive criticism when a story is worth it.
6576710
"For one" Talking objective again without actually being objective.
It moved just fine for me, so what gives you the conviction that what you just said is more valid than what I just said?
You're bored by it, because you read the "My friends only exist in my imagination" twist a million times already.
Tough. Every idea was done somewhere else already, just because you aren't satisfied with the idea doesn't make it a bad one.
"This story is bad, because I know the idea already and I'm bored by it." is no criticism, it's whining.
That comes down to the amount of imagination you personally can bring up and is therefore not something the story can be objectively criticized by. I can perfectly imagine this being the case, from my POV before they got their cutie marks. To quote myself:
So you are the one who is judging it that this story is "not worth constructive criticism" and you say it's right to be unconstructive and insulting? Sounds like either your mommy never taught you to better don't say anything if it isn't something nice or that you live under the belief that the story was written with you in mind and that it's there to entertain you. Neither of which is the case.
6576773 Actually, I'm under the impression that my mother taught me to stand up for my beliefs, and that I don't care what anonymous assholes on the Internet think of me.
Also, when the fact that this twist is only ever done well when you can actually watch a show and think "Gee, it's odd that only one person ever reacts to this character in the middle of everything", it can come as a bit of a jarring surprise when someone who has had adventures completely separated from the people who supposedly imagine them is then suggested to be imaginary.
Everything happens incredibly fast, not allowing you to actually get invested in the plot, and the explanation of the nature of the imaginary Crusaders is an unwieldy block of exposition that could easily be told by a psychiatrist for all the distinct voice in it.
I'm not bored by the twist, I actually adore it. But I've never seen it done this poorly, with so little effort behind it. It's like how a vampire fan hates Twilight; they're not bored of vampires, they want to throw up at the massive insults being levied against their favorite thing.
All of these are merely more wordy versions of my original statement. If there was a way to remove my dislike of the story without actually liking it, I would do so simply because it got marked as AU an indeterminate amount of time ago.
I look forward to you dragging on this vitriolic and meaningless conflict further.
6576813
What if Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were indeed "real" in the sense that Applebloom's imagination literally brought them to life, by an unknown kind of magic that let them become "alive" and gave them temporary bodies and if Rarity and her parents would have adopted Sweetie Belle as their daughter and little sister and Rainbow Dash (after a while) adopted Scootaloo as her little sister, to support Applebloom's conviction to prevent her from mental harm, and if, once Applebloom got her cutie mark, the magic that kept them around as physical ponies began to fade since she didn't need them anymore to cope and thus the imagination that initially created them and to which the magic that gave them bodies was connected to stopped?
Basically some portions of Applebloom's mind split off by the connection her inherent earth pony magic has with her mind, formed Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle as invisible beings so that only Applebloom could see them, and then, it somehow even created bodies for them, because Applebloom's wish for two friends to help her was so strong?
That's an explanation for it why there were moments where Scootaloo and/or Sweetie Belle interacted with other ponies without Applebloom being around and it keeps it intact that they were created by her imagination and that they weren't really real, as Applebloom's active imagination was the only thing that kept them around and "alive".
Once more, it comes down to personal imagination. It's impossible to judge the story objectively by saying "I can't imagine that to be possible".
Not allowing YOU to get invested in the plot, yes. I did just fine with it, because I love these three ponies and so it hit me in the feels with ease. And it's portraying the end, focusing on the last moments of the existence of Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Dragging it out to a ten thousand words (or even just five thousand words) long mini-novel would make it necessary to fill in more events, probably stretching out the time before they disappear to several hours, which would not be focusing on their last moments anymore.
Also, the story has more likes than dislikes and you are the only one here who complains about pacing.
And yet you speak like it's an objective fact that the story is too fast for everyone.
Once again, you talk objective, without actually being objective.
You would like it more if a psychiatrist would have explained it, but Applebloom did it herself in the end. Both ideas are equally valid and make equal sense.
This only comes down to your personal taste. You are subjective again.
I don't like the portrayal of vampires in "Twilight" either, but I'm able to understand that this is just because glittery teeny vampires are not to my taste, as opposed to menacing, fear-inducing evil creatures of the night who wear black capes and can turn into bats to sneak into the rooms of virgins at night.
It's an idea that makes me personally puke, but it's her idea and she at least tried to give vampires a new spin and I would not have the nerve to appear at her doorstep and tell her "how terrible her story is and how she ruined vampires".
Same for this story here. It could be longer, he could expand it and build on the initial idea. But he only wanted to portray the last moments of their existence, not write a long, thrill-packed mystery story where Applebloom slowly finds about the truth of her friends.
He was focusing on the dramatic and tragicness after Applebloom found out, instead of the suspense, and that's totally fine with me.
Would I like it to see it getting expanded? Most certainly, because I love the idea. But I won't insult his story with accusing him of bad pacing in order to get him to write more. If he would have the story written in the way you would obviously like to have it, I would love it as I love it now. Either way is fine with me and I respect his decision to keep it short and to focus on the climax.
I don't see any vitriol and meaninglessness here except for your initial comment on which I answered for these very characteristics that I spotted in it.
Your belief that every story you read has to live up to YOUR standards and that it's okay to insult it with unconstructive criticism once a story doesn't do that is irrelevant, my dear.
It's bad behavior and if you think it's okay or worthwhile to stand up for entitlement like this then you took the lesson of your mother the wrong way.
6577063 On the subject of the psychiatrist, you completely failed to understand what I was saying.
I was saying that the exposition didn't sound like any of the characters, and could have been delivered by anyone. I wasn't saying I would have preferred a psychiatrist to say the lines, I'm saying that without the "Scootaloo said" and so forth, I wouldn't be able to tell who was talking.
I will admit that your theory on how Scoots and Sweetie could have their own agency is intriguing, and certainly possible given the enormous amount of magic in Eqeustria, plus their involvement with the Mistress of Illusions herself, Princess Luna.
Although I hate you for using remarks like "my dear", I will respect that you have a point, and that I've been an unhelpful asshole. I apologize for dragging on this conflict, admit that I could have expressed my sentiments better, and that those sentiments are the result of snobby elitism and nonconstructive criticism.
Can you please stop talking to me now?
6577110
Descriptive body language? Actions accompany their sentences? Point taken. That's something the story could improve on, even though it's nitpicking and a minor issue here.
Though, in case you spoke about the actual way they talk and choose their words, I like it that they sound a bit..... "static", for the lack of a better word. They talk more mature and a bit distanced to make it easier for Applebloom when explaining her why they have to go. I can see why he wrote their lines that way.
Well, that's a surprise. I was reckoning with it we would still sit here after ten more comments. I'm not used to someone redeeming himself in such a situation.
Well, I guess things are fine now. I commend you for showing self-reflection and for apologizing, not many do that.
6577159 Given the actions that you've brought to light, not sure I deserve the commendation.
I would like to sincerely thank you for bringing me down to earth on this.
6577248
Don't mention it.
I'm not sure what I missed during my hiatus, but geez. King Moriarty, I thank you for what you said and it's good to hear these things. It may not be critism, but any notes to the writing itself is still welcomed by me. I'm only a student, so hearing these things can help me down the line, so once again thank you King Moriarty. Fluttercheer, thank you for the comfort from King Moriarty but to tell the truth; I wasn't really hurt by his comment. When I first read it, I saw it as a normal comment and nothing else. I'm just glad to see that this debate/war has come to some sort of halt or end. Thank you all for reading this and on any of my future works, feel free to write what you think.
6577792
I was answering KingMoriarty because the nature of his initial comment was the kind of comments that discourage authors from writing at all or that lead to it that they change their stories in bad ways or don't use certain ideas in the future out of fear that they get negative backlash again and so I wanted to intervene and point out how unconstructive and insulting this comment was.
I'm glad you weren't phased negatively by it and hope you will just continue to write down your ideas in the future, whatever they may be.