• Member Since 14th Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen Aug 5th, 2017

AIRS


I am a person.

T

Aegis has gone though a lot in her life. More then a pony should of gone through. But she has lived her life and has become the smart and knowledgeable one in her group. Her life has had it's ups and its down. But in the end for her it will hopefully fold out to work. Hopefully.....

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 3 )

Touching begin.:moustache: But there are quite a few errors in grammar.

You see Aegis was growing up in a different community,

*See, Aegis*

Any of those places would he heaven compared

*be

themselves to 'Pures'.

*As

Aegis Heard a pebble

No need to capitalize the 'H'. How did she know it was pebble? I would say that it would be better if you change that to: 'Aegis heard something hit the window.' Something along those lines:twilightsmile:

Aegis had sat down.

Sat down what? I think you accidentally put 'had' in there.:rainbowhuh:

In Silvers head, Aegis was a Unicorn.

Maybe better if you change it to: 'In Silvers eyes,'

'dinner'

Why is dinner quoted? Was there some special meaning? -->

Aegis had picked all this up when she listened to her father after 'dinner' and was left in her room.

You mean she heard it while she was in her room and her parents were having dinner? I guess you meant that.:rainbowhuh:

Silver had her "Oh-So-Cocky" tone in full swing.

It is better if you replace these quote marks ( " ) with these ( ' ). The double quote means that the/a character is speaking.

Aegis then quickly jumped onto the bed and levitated a notepad and a crayon, ah childhood.

As nice little touch as it is, ( Because childhood was indeed the best.:scootangel:) it doesn't really fit in how the story is portrait the whole way, and sudden that comes along.:twilightsmile:

"Not-So-Wanted"

( ' )

he stepped back out of Aegis' room,

*Aegis's room* The 's means 'belonging to', like: This is Aegis's room.

Silver was under the bed holding her breath begging that the parents don't start asking questions.

Needs a comma between them: 'breath, begging'

that Aegis' Mom

's

"Please, You nearly cost me dinner.."

No need for the capitalized 'Y', double 'period'.

window. Aegis looked down at

Extra 'space'.

It is a touching story, I would like to see you grow as a writer.:twilightsmile: Although, I do recommend to try and get an editor/pre-reader.:twilightsmile: Like and good luck!

6537833
Ahaha, Ironically I do have an Editor, We are both improving though, thanks for pointing out errors though! It just improves the story!

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