Chapter 3: Thirst
Sunset’s alarm went off, and she slapped it until the sound stopped. She rose from her bed and stretched her arms out, yawning loudly. Aside from the odd taste in her mouth, she felt great! She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and pushed herself onto her feet. After sleeping for an entire day, she thought her muscles would be weak and stiff, but she felt incredibly limber.
“I knew it was nothing.” Sunset smirked. She threw open the blinds and recoiled at the unholy light of the morning sun. An involuntary hiss escaped her lips, and she snapped the blinds shut. “Okay, still sensitive to light. Noted.”
After the spots vanished from her eyes, Sunset wandered into her bathroom. Perhaps it was her imagination, but looking into the mirror, her face seemed a bit paler. Of course, she had been shivering under her covers for the last twenty-four hours. Her hair was also a knotted mess, nothing a hot shower wouldn’t fix.
Speaking of hot showers, Sunset noted she was still particularly cold. Not freezing like yesterday, but enough for her skin to form goosebumps. A shower, and maybe a bowl of soup for breakfast. The thought of food, however, made her stomach turn. All right, just the shower then.
Sunset peeled off her fetid pajamas and stepped into the steaming curtain of water. While it drove the goosebumps away, she still felt cold deep inside. She swallowed some of the hot water to chase it away, but it only alleviated the cold for a few seconds. Sunset ignored it and took to washing her hair and pulling the knots out of it.
The water felt so soothing that, were it not for school starting in half-an-hour, Sunset might have stayed in the shower all morning. She stepped out, dried herself off, and prepared for the day. When she finished grooming and dressing, she stepped over to the window and carefully pulled the curtain back.
A large group of clouds had blocked out the sun, making the light tolerable. Sunset still scrunched her nose. Perhaps she had just been inside too long and needed to slowly get readjusted. Either way, she hoped the clouds would keep the sun covered for a while.
She gathered her school supplies together and slung her bag over her shoulder. Before she stepped into the kitchen, she poked under her bed for the bat.
Nothing.
Sunset scratched her head, wondering how it could have gotten free. The shoe box was one thing. How did it get out the apartment? Sunset shrugged. It wasn’t her problem now. She paused in the kitchen, trying to determine if she was hungry. Her stomach made an unpleasant flop again at the thought of food, so Sunset went on her way.
The muted light still made Sunset shield her eyes. She waited a minute to see if her eyes would adjust. If anything, the longer she stood outside, the more they seemed to burn. She ran back inside and grabbed the sunglasses she kept in her drawer. They had been a little gift from Flash when they had gone to the beach, though Sunset had only worn them that one time. She wasn’t sure why; they were pretty stylish.
Sunset slipped them on and the light became bearable again. Checking her phone, she found she had twenty minutes left until the first bell and rushed to her bike. Perhaps it was the spike of adrenaline she had from realizing she might be late, but Sunset felt like she had practically glided down the stairs and across the pavement to her parking spot. It couldn’t have taken her more than five seconds.
Whatever. She started her motorcycle and raced down the road. Ten minutes later, she arrived at the school parking lot, having gotten lucky with the stoplights.
With the first bell imminent, students began to flock inside the building. Sunset followed the crowd and broke off to her locker to put away her bag. The locker next to hers belonged to Octavia Melody, who was currently rummaging through it with a sullen expression.
“Hi, Octavia,” Sunset said with a friendly wave. “You look upset. Something wrong?”
Octavia managed a weak smile, then rubbed her puffy red eyes. “Good morning, Sunset. I’ve just had a long night. My father was sent to the hospital yesterday.”
Sunset’s heart missed a beat. “Oh no, is he all right?”
“They said he should be fine, thankfully.” Octavia slipped a book into her bag and closed her locker. “It’s just, they aren’t sure what happened to him. Last night, he went to take the garbage out. When he took too long to come back, my mother went to check on him and found him lying in the alley of our house, unconscious. They said he just had a dramatic drop in blood levels, but they can’t figure out what caused it.”
Sunset finished selecting her books for her next class. “That is weird.”
Octavia nodded. She leaned in and dropped her voice to a whisper. “It gets weirder. While we were at the hospital, three more people were rushed in under similar circumstances. They were all found with extremely low blood levels.”
Closing her locker, Sunset fixed her eyes on Octavia’s neck. “Definitely freaky.” She could almost see the blood rushing through Octavia’s jugular, flowing at a heightened speed. She was still nervous, concerned about her father’s well-being. The vein twitched every third word; Sunset had stopped listening though.
B positive. In fair shape. Great circulation. Sunset mouth salivated a little. Perhaps skipping breakfast had been a bad idea. Now she was hungry.
The bell rang; its shrill cry shook Sunset back into the present. Octavia was walking away, waving goodbye. Sunset raised her hand, flashing an uncertain smile. Her mind seemed a little hazy. What had Octavia been saying a few seconds ago? Sunset rubbed her forehead. She seemed to have blanked out for a whole minute.
Maybe I should have taken an extra day off. Well, she was here now, might as well push through. She stopped to get a drink from the fountain. It didn’t too much to quench her parched throat.
******
“Nice shades, Sunset.”
Sunset set her tray of food down next to Rainbow’s. “What are you…?” Sunset reached up and pulled her sunglasses off, squinting at the sharp contrast. She pushed them back on and sighed. “Right. My eyes are still really sensitive to light I guess.”
Twilight sat down next to Sunset, her hair back in its bun. “Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better. The fact that you’re up and at school is quite a turnaround from yesterday.”
“Yeah, besides the light and constantly being thirsty, I feel great.” Sunset looked down at her lunch food, and her stomach twisted into a knot. “I also don’t seem to have an appetite.” She pushed her plate away.
Rarity tittered and set her fork down. “I know what it’s like to be on the tail end of a sickness, dear, but you must eat something.”
Sunset pulled the bowl of salad close to her and speared some lettuce onto her fork. Her stomach churned as she brought it close to her mouth. Touching her tongue to the leafy greens, her stomach heaved, and Sunset violently gagged.
“Can’t do it,” she said, covering her mouth.
Pinkie snatched the plate away. “Yaay, more for me!”
Rarity narrowed her eyes. “You could show a little more sympathy, Pinkie.”
“S’not gonna get her appetite back,” Pinkie said, her mouth full of salad.
Sunset took a long draught from her water bottle and sighed. “Well, the good news is, I’m getting better. By tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll be starving. I told you it was nothing to worry about.”
Twilight cupped an apple in her hand. “I still think you should be more careful in the future. What if it’s something really serious next time?”
“I’ll cross that bridge when I get there,” Sunset said nonchalantly. Looking over her glasses, she saw Twilight poke her bottom lip out. It was such an adorable pout, Sunset couldn’t help but laugh. “I promise, Twi, I’ll consult a doctor next time something serious happens, all right?”
Twilight took a bite of her apple and stared straight ahead instead of looking at Sunset, a splotch of pink on her cheeks. Sunset didn’t know what it was, but Twilight seemed prettier than usual today… sexy even. The silkiness of her hair, the outline of her cheekbones, the shape of her intelligent eyes hidden behind those glasses. Sunset moved her eyes down to the base of Twilight’s neck.
Her heart rate was a little faster than normal, and some of the blood was still rising to her cheeks. O negative; very rich. Surprisingly healthy for how little exercise she gets. But she eats pretty well. Sunset looked further down, licking her lips. They were hard to see, but Sunset knew Twilight had some slight curve to her body. Oh, how she’d love to sink her teeth into Twilight… and not just the neck.
“Sure you’re not hungry, Sunset?” Rainbow’s mocking voice drifted into her ear.
Sunset jolted upright. “What happened?” Everyone around the table was giving her various looks of amusement, while Twilight was now looking in the complete opposite direction of Sunset.
Rainbow stopped her giggles long enough to say, “Well, I’m pretty sure you were mentally undressing Twilight—”
“I was not!” Sunset’s cheeks burned.
“You were drooling.”
Sunset rubbed her hand across her mouth, mortified to find a line of spit. “I was just zoning out; I wasn’t even thinking about Twilight.” Truth be told, she couldn’t remember anything between her promise to Twilight and now.
Regardless, thanks to Sunset’s staring, there was an awkward wall between her and Twilight. She kept her back turned and continued taking tiny nibbles out of her apple.
The silences stretched on, making the wall harder to mount with each passing second. The lunchroom chatter dissolved into static as Sunset wracked her brain to find the words to save this situation. She clenched a fist under the table.
Stupid Dash, making this worse than it already is! There was no way Sunset could save face now. Well then, embrace it, her conscience whispered. There’s nothing wrong with liking Twilight. Who cares what they think? Sunset nodded to herself. Yeah, so what if I stared? Twilight’s worth looking at.
Sunset scooted closer to Twilight. “Fine, I was staring at her, but I couldn’t help it.” She leaned in. “I think you’re very beautiful.”
Twilight slowly turned around, eyes filled with surprise. “R-really?”
“Yes, really.” Sunset got an exuberant thrill from this newfound confidence.
Twilight looked down at her apple. “I… think you’re beautiful, too.”
Sunset couldn’t help but grin. If she had known things would turn out this well, she would have told Twilight she was beautiful a long time ago.
Rainbow ruined the moment by loudly biting a carrot in half. “So, are you two gonna kiss or what?”
Everyone around the table groaned.
“What, I’m just asking?”
As tempting as it was for Sunset to just grab Twilight and make-out with her then and there, something in the back of her mind told her now wasn’t the right time. The bell ringing a moment later confirmed her feelings.
The Rainbooms disbanded from the lunch room and headed for their separate classes. Twilight gave Sunset a little extra wave as she departed. Sunset licked her lips, watching Twilight’s retreating form.
She shook her head as her mind started to grow hazy. “Whoa, I really should get something to snack on.”
Too bad her favorite snack had gone off to class…
******
With the school day concluded, the Rainbooms sat together on the stone wall that divided the parking lot from the school lawn. They each had a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres’ Cider in their hands as they watched the clouds roll over head. Sunset got an irritating itch every time the sun poked its head out.
Twilight sat next to her, and it took all of Sunset’s willpower not to tackle her to the ground. As much as she enjoyed this new surge of confidence, she wasn’t sure she needed the… desires that came with it.
Pinkie tossed the rest of hers back and belched loudly. “Heehee, excuse me!”
Rarity waved her hand. “Indeed.”
“So, guess what I heard in math today! It’s super spooky!”
Rainbow took a large gulp of her soda. “Let me guess, some people are in the hospital because they randomly lost a lot of blood?”
Pinkie gasped. “Dashie, you’re psychic and you didn’t tell me?”
“No, I just heard it from Cloud Chaser. Flitter was one of the people admitted to the hospital last night.”
Fluttershy almost dropped her bottle. “Oh no! Is she going to be okay?”
“I hope so. I’ve never seen Cloud Chaser so upset.”
Sunset leaned forward so she could see Rainbow at the other end of the wall. “Well, the same thing happened to Octavia’s dad, and she said he should be fine.” She stared into her empty bottle. “Still, this is really weird.”
“I say it was a vampire!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, I told you, vampires don’t exist.”
Rainbow stuck her hand up. “Yeah, and I called BS on that, remember?”
“Yes, yes, magic pony girl can’t say things are only a myth. I stand by what I said that there are no vampires in this world, and I’m nearly positive there are none in Equestria. We have a lot of mythical things, but not vampires.”
Pinkie put her hands on her hips, trying to look serious. “Well, what else could have done it?”
Sunset rubbed her neck, passing over the tiny teeth mark. “A very hungry bat?”
Fluttershy cocked her head. “You mean the one that you said bit you?”
“Sure. I mean, maybe it’s just weird and wants human blood.”
Fluttershy tapped her fingers together. “Well, I suppose it’s not out of the realm of possibility. But I’m still wondering why a bat is here in Canterlot in the first place.”
Applejack sipped her drink, then said, “Someone’s idea of an exotic pet?”
Every head turned to Pinkie.
“Hey, it wasn’t me!” She held her hands up. “Besides, you know I take good care of Gummy. He never leaves my side.” She reached into her hair and pulled the baby gator out. “See?”
Twilight’s jaw nearly hit the ground. “You… you have a pet alligator? You keep him in your hair?”
Sunset put a hand on her shoulder. “Let it go, Twi, you’ll live longer.”
“But-but-but—”
Sunset placed a finger on Twilight’s lips. “Trust me.” She let it linger there for a moment before slowly pulling away.
“Anyways,” Applejack cut in, “if there is an aggressive bat flyin’ around and feeding on people, should we do somethin’ about it?”
The sun peeked out from the clouds again, and Sunset hid her face behind her arm. “Unless it’s sucking souls out of people, it’s a problem for animal control, not us.”
“What, are we the magic police now?” Rainbow asked.
“Oh my gosh!” Pinkie jumped up and stood on the wall. “We could totally be super heroes! By day, we’re your ordinary high school rock band, but by night, we’re hunting down magical creatures and artifacts and saving the world from evil!”
Applejack pulled her down. “No more sugar or Sailor Moon for you.”
Time kept slipping away until the sky was orange with the dying glow of the sun. A car pulled into the parking lot, and Twilight hopped off the wall.
“That’s my dad. I’ll see you girls tomorrow.” She paused and gave an extra wave to Sunset before getting into the car.
Sunset waved back. Her arm felt sluggish, as did the rest of her. Her skin was red from her persistent scratching, and she was even thirstier than before she drank the cider. She climbed down the wall, stumbling as she landed.
“I think it’s time for me to go, too. Still feeling kinda out of it.”
Pinkie leaned forward, narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips together. “Are you sure you’re just sick, Sunny?”
Sunset slapped her forehead. “Yes, Pinkie. Just because I got bit by a bat, doesn’t mean I’m a vampire. You watch too much television.”
“No; I watch just enough. That’s why I've got my eyes on you.” She pointed to hers, then to Sunset’s, then back to hers.
“Goodnight, girls.” Sunset waved to the rest of them.
“Night, Sunset,” they chanted.
Sunset hopped on her bike and took off down the street, wincing when the sun came out again.
She’s just got you paranoid now. Just because you got sick after a bat bit you and you’re a little sensitive to light, doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly become a vampire. The rational part of her brain knew she was right. The half that thrived on magic still had some doubt, however.
But magic or not, a bat can’t turn you into a monster. Even if there is some magical residue leaking into this world, that doesn’t mean every fairy tale creature is going to pop into existence. Sunset nodded. She just needed another night of rest, and she’d be back to normal.
******
Sweet nectar.
Sunset ran her tongue across her mouth, sipping up every stray drop of blood. It ran down her throat, finally quenching the unbearable thirst she had struggled with all day. She felt revitalized, energized…
She still felt thirsty.
The man lying on the ground before her had been delicious; a consistent jogger out for a night run. His foolishness was Sunset’s meal. He hadn’t put up much of a resistance when Sunset got her teeth into him. Then again, none of them did.
She walked across the open field of the park, enjoying the refreshing night air. So many smells dancing on the wind, they almost covered up the succulent aroma of blood. Her nose twitched, finding a new target. People in this town were either very brave or very stupid to be wandering around outside at night.
Sunset got a running start, then leaped into the air, gliding against the wind and over the trees. When she lost the cover of trees, she ascended higher, silhouetting herself against the lovely moon. Canterlot spread out before her, an entire buffet of fresh blood—thousands of meals just waiting to be had.
Speaking of meals, Sunset spotted her next targets. The two girls were parting ways in front of a music store, one of them Sunset recognized as Vinyl Scratch. She put her headphones on and started down the street, grooving to her music.
Sunset growled in excitement. If she was fast enough, perhaps she could catch both girls. She decided to start with Vinyl, following her from the rooftops. The rest of the street was empty, but Sunset waited until Vinyl neared an alleyway just to be safe.
When Vinyl left the luminescent glow of a street lamp, Sunset dropped down onto the pavement, quieter than a feather. She drifted closer to Vinyl, slowly opening her mouth.
Vinyl whipped around, taking a karate position before relaxing. “Oh, it’s you, Sunset. Had me scared for a sec.”
Sunset had her hands in her pockets, looking as casual as could be. “Sorry about that.”
Vinyl lifted her shades. “You okay? You look kinda… off.”
“Guess I’m just a little… thirsty.” She pulled her lips into a smile. “Want to come get a soda with me?”
“Kinda late, isn’t it? I mean, we do have school tomorrow.”
Sunset took a step forward, her patience already wearing thin. Her eyes glowed bright red. “I insist; one drink.”
Vinyl’s eyes took on the same crimson shade, and her entire body relaxed. “Y-yeah, sure,” she droned. She allowed Sunset to take her hand and pull her into the alley.
Keeping Vinyl tranced was harder than Sunset realized. She could feel her strength sapped by the effort. Once they reached the end of the alley, she wasted no time in spinning around and plunging her fangs into Vinyl’s neck, allowing the trance to break.
Blood streamed into Sunset’s mouth, its rich flavor and smooth texture dancing over her tongue before sliding down her throat. She’d compare it to fine wine if she had ever tasted it before.
Vinyl moaned and went limp in Sunset’s grasp. She occasionally tried to raise a hand to defend herself, but the more lifeforce Sunset drained, the less Vinyl resisted.
Sunset came up for air, blood dribbling down her chin and onto her shirt. She hadn’t meant to suck as much as she did, but Vinyl had tasted so good, surprisingly better than the jogger. She now lay curled on the cold ground, barely breathing.
Something itched in the back of Sunset’s conscience. Something telling her this was wrong. Her overwhelming hunger quickly silenced it, but she did agree leaving Vinyl in a dark alley at night was a bad idea.
A wide smirk revealed Sunset’s fangs. She would drop Vinyl off in front of the hospital. And then, if she was careful, perhaps she could get some snacks for the road.
******
The bat flapped through the night, still hungry. So far, it had fed on five rats, a squirrel, and a cat, but after being stuck in a box and a closet for a whole day, it needed more sustenance than that. If that red-headed creature hadn’t gone out last night, it’d probably still be stuck flying around in her tiny living space.
There was so much blood around it, but it couldn’t get to any of it—it was all locked away in those big buildings. And anytime these weird, tall things saw it flying through the air, they screamed and waved their limbs at it.
It was sick of feeding on tiny animals though. It wanted a proper meal for once. And the blood that came out of the red-haired creature had been the best thing it had ever tasted, even if it was just a sip. It wanted more of that, more blood from these weird, bipedal creatures.
It flew over the black dirt road laid out between two gray dirt roads, past dozens of identical looking buildings. It screeched once, more out of frustration than navigation. The echo came back, bringing more of the same landscape—
Wait! Something was slightly off. It hovered in the air, peering into the moonlit night. It screeched again, delighted to find one of the buildings had a hole in it like at the purple pointy castle. It flapped as fast as it could, smelling blood on the other side.
Through the hole, the bat saw a light green skinned creature curled beneath a bundle of soft, odd colored leaves. She had hair that matched her skin tone, streaked with white. She rolled over, showing off her neck.
The bat swooped in and landed on her shoulder. She stirred but did not wake.
Finally, it could eat!
******
Sunset hissed as her alarm went off again. She smacked it, hearing a loud crack and a cry of broken static. She looked up from her pillow, seeing the alarm broken in half.
Crap, how’d I do that? She pushed herself up, surprised to see herself still dressed in her clothes from yesterday. Her mind was foggy, and her mouth tasted like copper. What did I do last night?
She got out of bed and looked around her room. The curtains were still drawn, keeping everything drowned in darkness. She flipped the light on, wincing as the bright burst, but quickly adjusted her eyes.
Something on her desk caught her attention. She drew closer, her heart rate skyrocketing as she made out what it was. How… when… what?
Packets of blood were laid out across her desk, some full, some empty. With a shaky hand, she picked one up, watching the red fluid slosh around.
A sharp hunger tore through her, and before she knew what she was doing, she tore the bag open and guzzled down its contents. She licked the excess blood from out of the pack, then tossed it away.
Sunset stood rigid, her eyes slowly coming back into focus. She looked down at her hands, flecked with drops of spilled blood. There was an urge to lick them off—an urge Sunset almost gave into. She began to hyperventilate, her eyes dilating as the full weight of her actions crashed onto her. She looked into the mirror, seeing dried blood on her shirt, and her fangs retracting into her mouth.
“No… no, no. This can’t be happening. How? They don’t exist! I can’t be a… a… vampire.”
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So Sunset figured it out and Lyra is infected. Things are heating up now!
OOOOOOOOOOH, the bat will get caught just in time to save Sunny's butt, but everyone'll be stuck figuring out what to do with Sunny.
I'm pretty sure vampires don't know their blood types. Oh, no! The last thing I want is a repeat of THAT stupid vampire novel and I'm normally NOT into vampire fiction. The only reason I'm reading this is because I like Sunset.
OK, honest opinion time. The writing is good, nothing is jumping out at me as grammatically or syntactically wrong. The characters feel, more or less, correct. But, the story feels flat and pretty generic at this point. I will say the potential for the bat to turn other humans into vampires does add a nice 'potential' to the story, but even then, it's still kinda one dimensional.
However, this is only the third chapter, and there's lot of room to grow, so it's way to early to just give up. I'll be here for a few more chapters at least.
good luck!
BELIEVE IT, SUNNY!! It's a shame she not a "30 Days of Night" type vamp, with those crazy awesome fangs, and that sinister look in their eyes. Love those kinds of vamps, fuck this "Twilight" bullshit.
6513705 Unfortunately, one way or the other, it will be Twilight.
Great chapter. Happy to see Sunset didn't spend a whole bunch of time in denial about what is going down either, like a lot of supernatural story/movie characters seem to. Sure, a little skepticism is fine, but once you see the ouiji board spontaneously combust, it's time to stop sitting around with your thumb up your ass, and start making some calls.
Best part is the awkward look Sunset gave to Twilight.
You do not disapoint OP
OP is good
OP is love
OP is life
Looks as if soon, Sunny won't be the only vampire in town now
Oh boy. Things are getting good.
On the one hand it's an interesting idea....On the other hand images.sodahead.com/polls/001140549/Twilight_New_Moon_Vampires_Suck_answer_4_xlarge.jpeg
And no I don't mean that as I pun, I just don't like vampires...Now Werewolves
img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire2/58b1e19ca904b608683c068a043b929e1267763131_full.jpg
They are awesome.
Looks like Sunset has figured out what has been going on, so now she'll need to find out where she can go next before things spiral further out of control... which they probably will. Also, I love how Rainbow Dash was making all of those statements just to annoy Sunset who was already feeling uneasy because of her newfound desires.
I see that Sunset seems to be rather similar to a Skyrim vampire, with the trance spell and seeming to become more vampire-ish the longer she goes without feeding.
6513676 i dont think Lyra would be sleep under some leafs. I think that it's one of the Sirens
Ah yes, copper. I love the taste of that stuff.
Ate copper, Sunny.
6514210
None of the sirens have green skin though.
Epicly long review incoming shortly...
I'm starting to lean against this story now. I have a crippling love of vampires to begin with so I am all but required to read it regardless of quality but I have begun to notice several things that are bothering me, especially because it casts an uncertain shadow on this fanfic's future. It's a shame because it had a reasonable start.
First off it appears that the issue of vampirism feels like a secondary aspect of the story. I mean this in the sense that vampirism in this story feels strictly as something to be reacted to. What feels important to this story is how people react to vampirism and not how Sunset deals with it and that feels like something that should be reversed, considering the majority of the story is focused on Sunset's perspective of events. It's a shame, but this line in particular only seems to enforce that:
What feels particularly important to the story isn't Sunset, it's the reaction to what she does, and it had a very clear setup of the reverse. That's not good.
Next criticism is something I find particularly irritating about stories that commit this: they treat supporting characters in a particular scene and the audience as the same person. For example:
This was never brought up to the cast. Rainbow shouldn't know this and Sunset never told her either. Just because the audience is in on the loop, that's no excuse to hand wave things away to keep the plot moving. In addition it supports the irrational belief that what's important to a particular scene is the audience's reaction to it. That's not so. Scenes make sequences, and sequences make a story. Constructing a scene based on how to manipulate an audience member feels first, and how characters would act in a scene second, isn't good story telling. There's the ever-present shadow of being led by the nose and that's very unpleasant to have in a story because it lends credence to the idea that a story's afraid to let the audience think for themselves and explore. It's okay to leave unknowns in a story, just as long as characters have a good reason for not asking those questions.
It's the same issue for things like this:
Okay, she's a vampire so bloodlust is increasingly becoming part of her nature. Leading me by the nose, as unintentional as you may or may not be doing, doesn't stop me from asking this question.
How does Sunset know this?
Aside from seeing a donor card there's no way she could know this information. It's meant to highlight her increasing bloodlust but it backfires because it's physically impossible for Sunset to know this detail. I could let it slide that she's just developed a taste for different blood types, but she neither remembers the attacks, nor (it appears) she attacked enough people to know the difference in blood types.
The absurdity comes even further to light as Sunset doesn't remark on the strange turn of thought in the slightest. Look, I've asked people if they've had charcoal so I can put it in the fridge. Sound stupid and insane? Yes, but there's a method to the madness: Charcoal is a decent odor neutralizer. See? There's reason and a string of interconnected points that can rationalize the absurd. What's very weird about Sunset's interactions is that she refuses to question her strange turn of thoughts. So even if Sunset does know the different blood types by smell or taste alone, it doesn't doesn't rationalize why she's thinking this in the first place.
I get that it's a vampire story. Maybe it's just me and my insatiable love for them that's caused me to see all the tropes too quick and I'm being a little too hard on this story--it's possible. Still, it's going down the entire list of cliches one by one ad nauseam.
You keep passing asides. An aside is a short little bit that's directed at the audience. in moderation these are fine because they remind people of important facts that they may or may not have missed. The two things you should never do with an aside is let slip crucial bits of plot critical to the story, or what you are doing now and use them to keep bringing up the inevitable. The former, as explained above, is bad because it deliberately lets the audience know important facts ahead of the characters without them figuring it out on the own. The latter is bad because it constantly drills home a point that we the audience already know what is going to happen. Batman's parents die, Krypton blows up, Vaas is an asshole. We know these things. You don't need to remind readers again and again that Sunset is turning.
Take for instance the bite and Sunset's sickness. Instead of vampisism, what about the laundry list of other diseases and infections it might have been carrying? Seriously, you don't need to be hung up on vampirism this early. We've read the description. We know there are vampires. No need to constantly impress that on readers. It's the same thing with the focus on the neck. While the jugular and carotid artery are the most easily accessible veins, just about anywhere will draw blood. Not enough to satisfy, but for a bat, anywhere on the body would work; they would focus on Sunset's offending, flailing limbs before using the neck any day.
Many even forget the radial artery that runs up the forearm is fine anyway.
The attack on Octavia's dad also brings up another little bit: contrivance. Out of all the people Sunset bit it was someone who she could find out about very quickly. That leaves the feeling that the scope of the story is very small and not willing to use the city that was set up in any respect as well as things will be fed to the audience whenever it's needed. It doesn't feel like Sunset and Co. have to work in order to solve the problem. It's dull if everything's spoonfed to them.
Then there's the one thing I love about vampirism: the sexual overtones. No, not vampire sex; I got a folder for that. There's the exchange of bodily fluids, the dominance of an aggressor over a weaker individual, the initial pain that can sometimes cause pleasure, taking another's very life into your own; there's some serious overlap. Talking about sexual overtones and undertones is good. It's a facet that a lot often miss and a critical part of vampire lore as a whole.
It's a little early to tell, but the story feels very uncertain on how to deal with that aspect. There's Sunset's attraction to Twilight and the additional vampirism to throw into the mix, but there's little but shaky footing.
Take here for instance. Like I said lust and bloodlust have a lot of overlap but I can't tell what's going on here and what aspect I should be seeing this in. That's part of the problem about the nose leading described above: it gives the impression that there's only one way to view something, and finding that one way is very confusing. It could be lust, but Sunset hasn't shown the pervert aspect of her that would suggest she'd go down on Twilight like that. It could also be bloodlust, but Sunset seems (confusingly) unaware of her own thoughts. If she's thinking this from bloodlust, she doesn't show it.
I've also got the sneaking suspicion that the reason for Teen tag is to get it past the mature filter. It feels like there's a lot more mature material lying behind the scenes, but it was edited down in order to get it a more desirable rating. It's that indecision that's hurting the story. Just pick a path and stick to it. It's okay if this gets considerable more adult. On that same coin, being strictly teen is fine.
Just stay on one and try not to flip from both when the need arises.
Not separating bloodlust and lust makes this it confusing as it doesn't make the distinction of a lack of control or sexual arousal, let alone Sunset may be slowly confusing the two. Since Sunset seems to be in relative control of herself, her losing herself is unlikely in either respect. She's shown to be calm, making rational decisions, and going to school without trouble. Everything feels fine, except when the plot says so.
I think you want to show that violent, carnal aspect of vampirism but it's not showing. The ending scene feels more like dissociative identity disorder than vampirism. There's no firm lock on what vampirism does or doesn't do so Sunset giving in to her beastial instincts feels like it's just a chance card out of the deck. Anything could happen and there's no rules governing what is and is not acceptable. It's carnal, violent, and causes nothing but pain but oh that one moment of sweet life nectar on the lips is the finest ambrosia.
In short, the sexual aspect needs to work through two issues first: the distinction between sex and bloodlust, and giving a solid definition of what Sunset can and cannot do.
That's why I am of the opinion that the ending chapter feedings shouldn't be there at all. Yes, I believe they should be outright removed. For one It would structurally support Sunset's own internal confusion. She's not consciously aware of what she feeds so it stands to reason neither should the audience. Plus the ending feeding is showing a very confusing depiction of Sunset that serious clashes with her identity, the mood, the setup for her vampiric abilities, and just about everything else.
It's a bad idea to blend the Beast in with Sunset's normally lucid and rational thinking. For one it doesn't give a clear indication of the story using third-person limited or third-person omniscient. If she's not aware of something, neither should the audience. If the Beast is meant to deliberately contrast with Sunset, the more tricks you use to separate them, the better.
Take this quote from Smiling Jack.
Sunset's Beast feels calm, cool, in control. It's a completely different person... that just so happens to look like Sunset. It's built to not be anything like her, but still carries identical mannerisms. If the point was to imply the Beast was the Hyde to Sunset's Jekyll, that comes back to Sunset, or at least the audience, shouldn't be aware of it at this point in time. I have no idea what this other persona is, what it can or cannot do within the confines of this story. It's made all the more problematic that there are a few structural problems that are seriously hindering the formation of solid opinions.
I want to like this story but it's feeling one dimensional and riding solely on the appeal of vampires. I fucking love vampires but if the story continues down this road you're going to lose me. I am just one of many, and take what I said with however many grains of salt you wish.
Lastly here are the rest of the notes I made and could find a more streamlined way to incorporate into the review.
Leaning on the fourth wall is fine but it's way too heavy here.
What scratching?
If you start using Pinkie Sense as a Deus Ex Machina I will reach through the internet and slap you.
If all of her is cold, how can she feel herself and feel cold? I get the impression that a colder body temp is going to be her norm, so it shouldn't be something she'd notice. A cold arm touching a cold arm is going to feel a neutral temperature, not cold.
Quick call Van Helllsing and Princess Luna!
6514324 Some people just don't understand the basics
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I personally think your being overly critical.
This is obviously being written in the spirit of Halloween and as such should be taken in spirit of it. It can be cheesy, it can be cliche, and even comical because its the month of the spooky monsters!
I don't normally like vampire stories. I can make an exception though. Added to favorites.
Soooo...
Lyra is a vampire now too...
Damn.
Shit's about to get real.
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The vampire fruit bat probably doesn't know what a quilt is. Strange coloured leaves. I'd say it was a quilt, and she left her window open.
I would leave a detailed critique on this story and ways I think it can be improved... but Journeyman is clearly far more experienced then me when it comes to supernatural stories and the tropes they use. in fact I don't think their is a single thing he said that I don't agree with and many were things I myself was going to say (though in not nearly as much detail or as well worded).
I will say that I would have rather Sunset have not had undeniable proof that she's a vampire this soon in the story. I mean its only the third chapter and now any attempt at mystery or suspense is shot, I mean first thing she should logically do is write to twilight for help (she might be able to help find a cure) and inform the her friends so they can come up with a plan on how to deal with this in the mean time which includes catch the bat that obviously turned her before any one else gets infected. The only consolation is that they don't know about Lyra yet.
I do hope she avoids the restrooms at school or another place's (mmm tea)
6514558 Personally I'm glad it was figured out sooner rather then later. Id rather then just got to the point rather then drag out a mystery that we all already know the answer to.
so, when will Twilight find out? and when will Twilight find out?
Awesome so far, and she even has hypnosis. You don't see that with more modern day vampire stories anymore. One thing you forgot however is that Vampires don't have a reflection. Also if you want to go really old school vampire, they technically cannot enter another persons home uninvited
Sunset wanted to bite Twilight, but not on the neck. If you don't know where Sunset was thinking of, then stop reading this story. I have a feeling it's about to get sexual.
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i.imgur.com/M6H9FxJ.jpg
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Supernatural vampire senses to identify the blood type. And it's established in this chapter that Sunset doesn't remember thinking about the blood types, so it's understandable that she didn't comment on those thoughts. To her, she just zoned out.
Having the silly character jump from "my friend found a bat" to "a bunch of people lost a bunch of blood" to "vampires!" is not touching on the fourth wall at all. That is a logical progression of thought, even if the conclusion seems silly in-universe where vampires are supposedly fictional.
I'm seriously wondering whether or not Sunset'll strap herself down in a locked room to see if she breaks out in her sleep and feasts on blood, even if she was tightly secured in ways that a regular person wouldn't be able to escape from.
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If Sunsets condition takes a turn for the better, wonder if her relation with Twilight will be similar to the Rosario + Vampire manga?
You writer person. MOAR STORY!!!! MOAR VAMPIRE SUNSET. Also what is gonna happen to twilight?
GOD HATES FANGS
j/k
6514388 You are taking all this way too seriously.
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vampires are srs bsns
6514210 Except that none of the Sirens have green skin and green and white hair. I don't think she was actually sleeping under leaves, I think that's just what the bat said.
This is a pretty entertaining read! Interested to see where the Twi plot goes.
This is getting more interesting. One thing, though:
Shouldn't she see...NOTHING in the mirror?
The amount of witty, owning comebacks Rarity has in this is fantastic.
I'm curious now to see if other vampires are being created. Either by Sunset or the bat.
This story is a good bit of fun
I suppose it will last me until the eventual return of Long Road.
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THANK YOU, I was blanking on a green person/pony!
So, soon to be Lyra and Bon Bon vampires? I like.
6515143 That is very stereotypical to think as vampires would actually have a hard time blending in if this was the case, so no she would be able to see herself in the mirror... But others could make stories where they cannot be seen in mirrors.
Why do I like this story so much? The only vampire anything I've ever liked is Angel, but other than that I generally don't like vampires. You see, I knew I would at least moderately enjoy the story because it's Sunset (she's my favorite!), and I knew somebody would write a lusty vampire story from seeing the header picture, but I'm genuinely enthralled by this thing! It's awesome! No matter what the reason is, I'm glad it has my attention!
6514396 lol haha also call peter vincentsp.yimg.com/xj/th?id=OIP.M5679c7aefabdcc57600ffd6a3ab2d73co0&pid=15.1&P=0&w=300&h=300
this story is awesome!!
made me hungry...lol
6514732 He's probably going to give and take from the vampire legends. Stuff that's too far in the super natural territory like no reflection, no invitations and turning into a bat will probably be opted out. While super strength and stuff are in. The hypnosis I feel is still viable since it's technically possible to hypnotize someone. It'll be interesting to see what other abilities she'll have.
On a side note, I am pretty happy that the whole romance bit is kicking off fairly early. Besides going through like 5-10 chapters of them beating around the bush. Now that they know there's feelings there I am curious to see how this develops.
We must call Peter Vincent. He shall deal with Sunset Shimmer. Actually I think it would be kinda funny if there were some sort of easter egg in this story talking about him or some other vampire slayers and stuff like that. Maybe in a book on vampires and vampire hunters. Ya know just an idea. Or maybe just for giggles, someone is watching the Buffy movies on a mobile device and then Sunset Shimmer attacks them. And just as she attacks them a vampire attacks someone in the movie. Just a few funny ideas
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I don't presume to speak for Albinocorn, but as somebody who takes writing seriously and always wants to improve, I would've been humbled to receive a comment like this on one of my own stories, and it concerns me greatly that anybody would dismiss such a genuinely constructive and well thought-out critique for no reason other than that you also treat writing seriously.