Things don't always go the way you want them to. You may not get what you want as quick as you want, or as fast as you want. Some pony could leave, anything can happen. When Buffy was a filly her life wasn't the very best, but this helped change her into who she is, now. Years after her old friend, Pixel Wavelength, returns to Ponyville to ask her a favor, Buffy instantly agree's. This is the story of Buffy.
Short story written for the MLPF's mascot contest.
This story is my first! Written for Buffy.
I'd love any comments on the story or anything like that, hope you all enjoy it!
Chapters (1)
I'll give you an "A for effort" of course. Nice effort for this contest.
What you can do is try to clean some spelling errors and other things such as run-on sentences.
Hello there! First of all, I'd like to say that on behalf of Poniverse, I want to thank you very much for taking the time to write and submit your entry! It was a pleasure to read it and see what ideas you came up with for Buffy. I do have some critiques, for sure, my biggest being not so much that it was rushed (although admittedly A LOT did happen for a +5,000 word fic), but that it was very tell-y. Huge sections of your story were just summary of events, even summary of just what ponies were saying. Dialogue summary is especially tricky and an easy trap to fall into, so I can understand that. Overall, my favorite section of your story was actually the beginning because it was far more slowly developed. You did have some nice imagery in Canterlot, particularly when they first got there, but most of the events in the second half seemed heavily summarized. Given that I can understand how writing even 5,000 words can take awhile (I'm a very slow fic writer myself), I would've suggested making the whole story the second half of this one (maybe starting with Buffy taking her break at work and just quickly explaining what she does) so that the Canterlot section, where the most important events occur, could be more developed. Other than that, my only other critique is that there were some spelling errors here and there.
I did very much like your idea of Buffy's cutie mark, that's fairly creative and imaginative given that cutie marks can often be something that only barely seems to relate to a pony's talent. Pixel's wasn't quite as imaginative, but still, good job working a backstory in their for her and everything. Overall, I appreciate how ambitious your fic was, but that said reining itself in just a tad might have been warranted here. Best of luck with your future writing, thank you very much for the pleasant read, and let me know if you have any questions! Cheers!
Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.
HI BUFFY! I'M TAI; HOW ARE YOU DOING?!
Ahem. That was for Buffy. Do you think she'd appreciate that? No?
Good attempt! I really like how you interpreted Buffy's cutie mark, as it's definitely something that I could see Buffy doing. Getting ponies talking . . . y'know, if she manages MLPF by day, she could be a mean politician by night!
Unfortunately, much like politics, the world of writing can be a critical and not-very-nice one. I'll apologize in advance for what I'm about to say, but being totally frank . . . this story has some problems.
One thing I observed was how detached a good portion of it is. It's related to an old writer's adage called "show vs. tell." Try to show events as they occur, rather than tell your readers the summary of them. Telling is quicker, but showing is more engaging, and it's that side of the balance you should err on.
Now, consider the following:
This entire section could be an engaging story in of itself, but instead, it's condensed down to a couple sentences. No, it's not necessary for you to write several thousand words about this, but considering how important Pixel is in the later half of the story, brushing off a long-time childhood friend like this seems to mitigate the significance of their friendship.
Here's another thing. I quite like that you integrated every one of Poniverse's mascots into the story—and I support Buffy x Viola completely!—but strictly speaking, from a story perspective, you've got about three characters too many. Without adding characterization on the level of Buffy and Pixel, the mascot cameos are just names without much personality or significance. You wouldn't lose much by nixing them entirely or lumping them as a coalition of friends.
That's all I've got. This story isn't fantastic, but it's definitely interesting, and it's an great take on our favorite ALL CAPS mascot. Good luck in the contest!
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Damn politicians!Hiya! Thanks for writing out such a long review for me!
Annd sorry mine is so short!
I really just wanted to include every pony from Poniverse instead of lumping them all together or using other ponies, just my want I suppose! I should have fleshed out all of them and Pixel I agree,
laziness got the best of mewhen I write another story I'll be sure to not skip out on important friendships or anything like that! Batbrony said the same thing of me not having enough development, so I should really work on that.Again sorry my review is so very very short, I really do appreciate you writing the review out for me, thank you!